Need some advice...

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nikkiARNGwife

New member
I don't know what to do with Avery. I am so beyond frustrated with him. He has been and All A student for 2 years and now the past 2 weeks he's just decided he doesn't want to do his classwork and in his take home papers the past 2 weeks he's had zeros..as in multiple zeros for not finishing his class work. It's been an everyday thing for the past 2 weeks to pick him up and hear a bad report from his teacher. I am literally at my breaking point and it took all I had not to just burst into tears today right there in the pick up line.

I KNOW this has a lot to do with DH's deployment. And his teacher does too, but he's always been one to have a hard time focusing and now I think he's just up and quit on us. I have no trouble getting him to complete his homework..but I'm able to sit with him one on one until it's done. I understand that she can't stand over him the entire time and make him do it..I used to teach so I know all that. But bottom line I think he's just plain bored. They do a TON of worksheets and stuff like that..writing their spelling words 2 x each every day and then every night for homework. Math worksheets that are the same just different problems..handwriting sheets which he hates. So he's bored. But that doesn't change the fact that he has to do it or obviously his grades are going to plummet..and this is from my child who is reading at 3rd grade level and by his own teachers words is probably the smartest in the class.

So I don't know what to do. I have punished him, taken away the things he loves, upped his bedtime..anything I can think of and nothing seems to be working. Avery responds more to "incentive" type things but I can think of nothing I can do at home that would encourage him to just do the dang work!!

I'm so frustrated and tired and Ella is three and giving me all kinds of fits herself..just this afternoon when I was trying to talk to Avery about his grades from last week that he brought home today..she goes in the kitchen and scarfs down 2 cupcakes without me knowing it then dumped apple juice all over the carpet ON PURPOSE!!

I'm feeling very defeated..any ideas about what i can do with Avery and his classwork?
 
Oh hugs Nikki...I'm not much help...Has the teacher made him stay in class from recess to finish his assignments...I know that's what they do at my son's school...It seems like he is having a hard time dealing with his dad being deployed and he's acting out in this way...Be patient...I know it's easier said than done...
 
Oh, poor little guy! I think it has a lot to do with his daddy being away ... I wonder if things will work themselves out in a few weeks, once he's had a chance to adjust to things ... :(
 
Nikki - so sorry you are having to deal with this when you know it's because DH is gone.

My only suggestion is instead of punishing, bribe him. What does he like or is there something he wants he could earn the money for? My boys have tons of friends who get paid for grades and it does seem to motivate them. We never have done it, but in this extraordinary instance, it might be worth trying.

((HUGS))
 
(((hugs)))

Can you do some kind of incentive chart... Like for every completed project he gets a coin or sticker or something and then you have a chart for things he can "spend" them on so smaller/cheaper toys cost less and bigger toys cost more... That way he has incentive to collect a lot of coins or stickers or pebbles or whatever and he gets to choose what he wants to work for
 
I totally agree with you that it's him acting out because of his Dad's Deployment. It's tough on everyone and hopefully he will accept it soon and know that his dad will be coming back. Its just a hard time for everyone and you all need to work together to make it through.

What about on Friday night if he has turned in all his work he gets to choose where you guys go out to eat. Or he gets to choose the movie from Red Box and you pop popcorn and get some treats and have movie night together but of course only if he does all his work.
 
I've requested a meeting with his teacher..so hopefully she and I can come up with something that will work. I'm just really worn out with him the past couple of weeks.
 
My goodness, this must be hard on you. I had typed out a whole thing about a chart for incentive and then saw Heather had covered that one. lol Charts always worked for my son because he could see how well he was doing and it made him proud. And he loved to show it off to my parents, who would praise him to the nines.
 
Nikki, what grade is he in? Are there any highly capable options available to him?

Yes he needs to be responsible and do his worksheets, but perhaps if he can prove he knows his spelling words by day Tuesday, he can do some other kind project during spelling the rest of the week. Same with other subjects. Maybe he would do his worksheets if there was 'hope' he could study something more interesting to him if he proved he knew the current material? Maybe something to propose to his teacher.
 
Misty Cato said:
Nikki, what grade is he in? Are there any highly capable options available to him?

Yes he needs to be responsible and do his worksheets, but perhaps if he can prove he knows his spelling words by day Tuesday, he can do some other kind project during spelling the rest of the week. Same with other subjects. Maybe he would do his worksheets if there was 'hope' he could study something more interesting to him if he proved he knew the current material? Maybe something to propose to his teacher.
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He's in first grade...and unfortunately not.. he goes to a very small private Christian school..but there are no Gifted or accelerated classes. I'm really just going to have to talk with his teacher and hopefully she will have some ideas.
 
:hugs:

Could a pastor or one of the youth kids talk with him... maybe he needs to talk about his feelings of Daddy being away and feels he can't talk to you because he is the "man of the house" and he is just overwhelmed with everything and his school work is suffering. I know at that age, I was totally in awe of anyone in junior/high school taking and interest in me.
 
Thanks everyone...I'm going to try and come up with some kind of incentive chart...maybe brainstorm with his teacher as to what she thinks would work best. I know it's literally going to have to be one assignment at a time at this point.
 
I'm sorry you're struggling with this and especially with your DH just deploying.

We just went through something similar with DD (she's 8 and in 3rd grade). She started getting bad grades on her classwork and not bringing study guides home for tests. I know it sounds obvious, but does he realize that the classwork grades affect his report card? I took it for granted that DD did but actually she had no idea and thought only tests counted for her report card. Once we explained that to her she turned her grades around quickly. The rest of her problem was talking too much in class. :)

I'm sure his teacher can give you some more insight and ideas.
 
So my 5 year old has been acting up a lot lately and I think it has to do with his dad coming and going so much lately. He works on the road and is normally gone for long stretchs of time, but he broke his shoulder and has been around a lot more lately. I am considering having him talk to a therapist about it. Maybe this could help with Avery.
 
I have a few suggestions but first wanted to say I know how hard this must be for you. It is not the same thing obviously that I am going through but my son is having issues right now due to the turmoil in the family from the accident and all the medical issues my husband has been going through. He started acting up a lot since the accident but does not really want to talk about how he is feeling or about his brother being gone.

Now here is what I would do:

I would go to the school and try to work out a reward/praise program for him that will be working through school and home alike and then possibly get him a journal to write his thoughts/feelings down or draw them. Whichever he prefers. Let the teacher know you are concerned and want to find a solution to the problems he is having and have some ideas to present to her as well. Then maybe do an advent style calendar only do it per week his dad is gone where he gets a little toy or special treat each week. That way he is getting a reward and counting down the days til dad gets home.

I would also talk to him and find out what he thinks is behind the slacking off on classwork. If he is bored the teacher might be able to work out a special curriculum that challenges him more. I was just like that when I was in elementary and ended up needing to go to a gifted class to get a little more challenging work. I was allowed to check out more books from the library and when I had complete my classwork I was allowed to help the teacher grade papers or go to younger kids classes and help their teachers as well. I loved doing that. Maybe his school has some programs that would be more challenging for him and he might excel if the work was a higher level.
 
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I think you need to involve your DH in this. If you're able to Skype, I think you should have DH go through a worksheet, spelling list, or whatever with him and let him know he's doing a great job at it. I think your DH should also have a heart-to-heart 'man of the house' talk with him and without stressing him out or leading him to believe he's in charge, give him a little ego/testosterone boost and let him know that as acting man of the house, he needs to work hard at his job as a student just like Daddy is working hard at his job as a soldier, that that is 'what men do' and that those are Daddy's expectations while he is away.
 
I feel your frustration! Ben is incredibly smart and has no trouble with the content of the schoolwork, but with his focus issues and other special needs we deal with this all day long. Kindergarten has been a very long year for us so far. I'd definitely try some sort of incentive chart. If you find it isn't helping enough, try a variation that has an immediate reward rather than "saving up" for the end of the day or week. You may need to build consequences into it, too--it's not just that he doesn't get the promised reward, but he also loses a favorite toy or tv time if he isn't trying.

And Lauren is doing the same types of things Ella is. She doesn't have a deployment to deal with, but all of a sudden she's just arrived at that realization that she is her own person and doesn't have to do what we want. Until now she wanted to please and just a look or me counting to 3 was enough to stop almost any misbehaving; it's so frustrating to have her purposely defying me and laughing while she does it! I know Jason went through this too at about the same age, but remembering that doesn't help much.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with your children's acting out over the deployment along with all the practical, day to day things you're having to manage on your own now! I hope you and Avery's teacher can figure out something that works for him and that Ella gets past this stage very, very soon.
 
Nikki I am not sure if there is a big military presence where you are but there were progams out int he community for kids who's parents are deployed and this helped Ben ALOT while I was gone. He was in 3rd grade adn really struggled, but with the help of the group he managed to do alot better. My kids school also has a "homework" club so if the kids don't bring their homework to school {including the kindergardners} they have to go to homeowrk club and complete there homework while everyone else goes to recess...hopefully a good chat with his teacher will give you some direction. {{{HUGS}}}
 
LeeAndra said:
I think you need to involve your DH in this. If you're able to Skype, I think you should have DH go through a worksheet, spelling list, or whatever with him and let him know he's doing a great job at it. I think your DH should also have a heart-to-heart 'man of the house' talk with him and without stressing him out or leading him to believe he's in charge, give him a little ego/testosterone boost and let him know that as acting man of the house, he needs to work hard at his job as a student just like Daddy is working hard at his job as a soldier, that that is 'what men do' and that those are Daddy's expectations while he is away.
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This is exactly what I was going to say. Let him have a talk with Dad without you in the background. Dad can fill you in on his responses/reactions later.
 
i know you don't need any more advice at this point...but i just wanted to send you some love, nikki. i just can't even imagine the change that you all are going through.
 
(((hugs))). I think everyone has great ideas here. One thing that I would add is just to make sure that he feels like he can have a fresh start. When my DS1 would have a bad day- or a bad week --especially because he was finding it hard to control his impulsiveness, he really needed his teacher (and me) to feel that every day was another chance to do well. Your DH had to leave and your DS is dealing with it as best as he can. 2 weeks seems like forever for a little guy. Maybe have a 'fresh start Sunday' and not talk about the work he has missed, etc the past 2 weeks. It might help him to feel like he can be successful again and is not 'in the hole' for not being totally together the past 2 weeks.
 
Does he like puzzle books?
My friend had brought a puzzle book for her son to do (at school with the teacher's permission) when he completed his regular work. Is there anything like that, that can get him "through" the dullness? Comic book to read?

I agree he needs Dad (when he can) to remind him he needs to still work even though he is hurting. Hugs. Its hard without a deployment, so its super-humanly hard with one at times! Hang in there, make it through this day!
 
hugs nikki. i think loads of ideas have been covered here. just wanted to let you know i'm thinking of you.
 
((hugs)) Nikki! You've got lots of good advice in this thread! I was going to suggest something along LeeAndra's idea. My girls get upset with themselves if I talk about something they're doing not so good at - like school, or acting up a lot that day - to someone on the phone... Especially Grammy - and I've even called dh in the middle of a shopping trip when they act out in public(It makes them realize that he's going to hear about how they're acting, and they don't like to disappoint daddy!!). They're horrified when they realize I'm telling someone else about something they did that's not so good. I was going to ask if he's thought about that his dad is going to hear about how he's doing and not be thrilled about it? Just thought I'd throw it out there... I'm sorry you're going through this, and I wish there was a super easy fix for it - I can't imagine what this is like for you!
 
Thanks again everyone...some great ideas here. I do want DH to talk to him but he's still not in a location where that's possible..I've only had a handful of emails from him since he left and talked to him once. He's special forces and they go places that sometimes don't have all the phones and computer capabilities that other locations do. Plus I hate to dump all that bad news on him when I do get a chance to talk to him..I feel like he's got enough to worry about without worrying about us at home.

But I'm going to try and incorporate some of this..it's helped to have you all brainstorm with me. I'm thinking I'm going to try and make some kind of reusable chart..with his subjects listed and then as he completes an assignment he can place a star sticker or something in that spot and if he fills them all up for the day then he gets a prize or something. Not totally sure yet and of course I have to run it by his teacher. I don't mean to complain about her b/c I really like her but I don't really feel like she's done much to encourage him to finish..other than just telling him to finish. This isn't totally new...I mean he's been one to not finish the first semester..but she would keep him in at recess until he was finished..apparently she's just stopped doing that and is now grading what he turns in which is nothing. So...I'm frustrated to say the least.
 
I don't have anything to add, as you've been given excellent advice already, but I just wanted to let you know I'm sending you prayers and good thoughts. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for all of you. Hugs!!
 
I don't have any advice besides some of the things already requested, but just wanted to say hang in there! I've been through this sort of thing with a couple of my kiddos (not the exact situation of course), and it has worked itself out over time. We homeschool, but still there have been times when 1 decides they are not doing their work. Brie's suggestion has worked for me - I call dh at work when one of them will not obey the rules - sometimes I don't even get the call made before they decide that they would rather do the work. I know with kids at school you aren't able to do it quite like that, but maybe if he knows it will be discussed with his daddy? I hope his teacher will have some good suggestions for ya :)
 
nikkiARNGwife said:
Thanks again everyone...some great ideas here. I do want DH to talk to him but he's still not in a location where that's possible..I've only had a handful of emails from him since he left and talked to him once. He's special forces and they go places that sometimes don't have all the phones and computer capabilities that other locations do.
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:( That stinks that you don't get to talk to him much!


nikkiARNGwife said:
Plus I hate to dump all that bad news on him when I do get a chance to talk to him..I feel like he's got enough to worry about without worrying about us at home.
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^Yea, I was thinking of this, I almost didn't suggest it. I feel for Avery, I know he's having a hard time adjusting too, and I felt a little mean suggesting it, too :unsure: Maybe if he knows that it will be discussed though, might be a little nudge? Or maybe telling him how proud his dad is of him when you have good reports back from school? I mean, I'm sure he knows, but it can't be fun getting back into the groove of how things are when he's gone. Are you allowed to send your dh packages? Maybe you and Avery could start picking out assignements he completed and did good on and send him some?

I hope something gives, and he can get back on track soon!! :hugs:
 
Nikki, I don't know how it works with the National Guard, but do you have access to any kind of military support groups or anything? Not to say the advice here isn't good but I know deployments are difficult for you and I really think it would help you to have other people to talk to who are going through it as well.

I do know that schoolelated behavior like that is very very normal for a child whose parent has just deployed especially when you consider his dad has only been gone for two weeks. It's something they can control in a situation that feels very uncontrollable for them.

Personally I wouldn't be too hard on him given the situation and this being new behavior. I would probably just remind him how proud his dad is of him when he does his school work, etc and then give it a little time to improve. Would it help if he had a photo of him and his dad to take to school with him or something? If you can get your DH to write him a note or email or something about it (in a positive way) that could be good too. You might also talk to the teacher and see if there's a way to not have it affect his overall grade for the time being or something.

I do think it'll get better with time - kids needs time to adjust just like adults do. There were certainly things I didn't care about the first two weeks my DH was gone, just no one was grading me for not doing them, haha.

Hang in there Nikki! Deployments are tough but you can handle it. :)
 
I love all of the wonderful ideas and advice you've been given!! I don't have anything else to add except that I'm thinking of you and sending lots of love to you all!! (((hugs)))
 
Wow, it sounds like you have a lot on your hands with your DH's deployment. Its surely a big change for the kids and will probably affect things for a while. Kudos to you for being so on top of things though. His teacher is lucky to have such a supportive parent on her side!

My daughter is older (4th grade) but has always been a model student. This year we went through some changes with her where she had a very similar attitude. She wasn't doing her classwork or was just rushing through things to get them done putting down any old answer. We were beside ourselves trying to figure out what was going on with her. She is in the gifted program at school and her teacher showed a math paper of hers to her gifted teacher who was floored that she would do such a bad job on an assignment. They both agreed that there was something going on. It took a little nudging at home and at school but she got back in the swing of things, thankfully. She pulled her grades all up to A's and has held them there since. We still aren't sure exactly what was going on. I kind of attribute it to the changes for the year (new school, new principal, etc.) but I'm not really sure.

You mentioned Avery may be bored and I know that is something that really doesn't sit well with bright kids. When my daughter was in 2nd grade she was facing boredom and actually asked her teacher for more homework. The teacher started sending home logic problems with her every night and she had a lot of fun with them. The teacher would also give her extra assignments in class to keep her occupied if she finished early. It was such a blessing to us because I hated to see her so bored and showing no enthusiasm for school like she previously had. She wasn't in the gifted program yet at that point. We have always done everything we can to enrich the kids outside of school through educational fun but we can't do much about how things are while they are in school.

I have a kindergartener who I fear may be facing this very problem soon (boredom). He started kindy reading at a 2nd grade level. He can easily read anything we put in front of him (he may not understand it or be interested in it but he can read it) and there are many students in his class who are still learning their letters. We were lucky enough that one of the kindergarten teachers got a student teacher in her room and that freed her up to take my boy along with two others who are advanced readers and work with them at their own pace. It made a real difference in his attitude at school. His behavior was being affected by him being bored and uninspired at school.
 
nikkiARNGwife said:
Thanks again everyone...some great ideas here. I do want DH to talk to him but he's still not in a location where that's possible..I've only had a handful of emails from him since he left and talked to him once. He's special forces and they go places that sometimes don't have all the phones and computer capabilities that other locations do. Plus I hate to dump all that bad news on him when I do get a chance to talk to him..I feel like he's got enough to worry about without worrying about us at home.

But I'm going to try and incorporate some of this..it's helped to have you all brainstorm with me. I'm thinking I'm going to try and make some kind of reusable chart..with his subjects listed and then as he completes an assignment he can place a star sticker or something in that spot and if he fills them all up for the day then he gets a prize or something. Not totally sure yet and of course I have to run it by his teacher. I don't mean to complain about her b/c I really like her but I don't really feel like she's done much to encourage him to finish..other than just telling him to finish. This isn't totally new...I mean he's been one to not finish the first semester..but she would keep him in at recess until he was finished..apparently she's just stopped doing that and is now grading what he turns in which is nothing. So...I'm frustrated to say the least.
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I figured he was out of communication a lot with his job. Even if he could write him (to him specifically) a short note it might help. And yes you hate to add to your hubby's plate when he has to be "on", but I'm sure that he WANTS to help and would love the opportunity to do what he CAN. Obviously don't tell him "this bad thing, that bad thing, etc" but if you are upbeat about it (what you are doing/planning/working with teacher) he won't feel like "its in his lap".

And don't forget to take a "date night" with yourself! YOU need to be taken care of as well. If there is support system there, use it! And most of all know that there is a TON of us here thinking and praying for you all during this time!!!:hugs:
 
Thanks muchly everyone. I'm just taking it one day at a time. Since we're national guard and don't live on or near a base we don't have much in the way of family support systems. The larger battalions probably do, but since he's in a very small (30 or so) special forces unit it's just not available to us. I wish we did though.

I have a meeting with his teacher next week. So hopefully we'll work out some type of system that will help..she's also having trouble with him acting out in class which is not like him at all. So I know it's all going back to the big changes in his life the past few weeks. And honestly I'm kind of miffed that she's not taking that into account more...it almost feels like she's just aggravated with him and wants to pass the buck onto me at home...which I'm trying but isn't she the teacher? Isn't she supposed to control his behavior while he is at school?

Come on summer vacation!! lol
 
Nikki, I don't have any real advice, but it just breaks my heart for you and your little guy. It has to be so hard to just one day not have your dad there. My gut instinct says to ignore the poor performances, heap a ton of attention when he does the right thing and move on. I teach kids with serious behaviors and I almost never address the bad behaviors (other than to keep kids and staff safe) but when kids are doing great, we give tons of attention... sitting together and reading, playing together, special errands, a piece of candy slipped to them wordlessly, etc. I'm not going to change whatever triggered the behavior (i.e. deployment in your case) but I can change the way the child wants to react to it by rewarding them when they do what I want. There are still going to be some really rough days, but give him all that love and support and he's going to be fine.

I'd do the same with getting dad involved as well. I wouldn't even have dad comment on the school stuff, just tons of everyday stuff and lots of love.

You just can't know what's going through Avery's head... maybe he thinks if he does badly, dad will come back. Maybe he's trying to see what he has to do to get you to leave. My kids are at the age now when they're talking about how they perceived things that happened when they were young, and their perception was so different than reality. It makes me laugh because at this point I can't go back and change things, but they really had some strange thought processes at that age. I think the best thing you can do is let him know you love him and support him.
 
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