Words of Wisdom, Strength, Guidance (the big D)

MandaT

MandaT

New member
I feel crazy putting this out there, but I'm looking for words of wisdom, advice, strength...

It's not been a secret for a long time that things here at home have been on the downhill slide...well this past week, there were decisions made, and my DH and I are now separated/ing.

I'm worried about my kids though. I need some guidance and advice on how to make things easier on them.

I know it won't be easy and things are going to get rough, but my parents separated when I was 12. I remember all the things I felt, watching my little brother (who was the same age as my girls are now), ugh...

I'm at peace with my choice to leave. I can't continue being unhappy and feeling this way every.single.day. It will be what is best for me, which ultimately will be good for them too, but just getting there...ugh...
 
hang in there.....when Matt and I seperated (twice) I did the best I could for Sam to keep everything routine...she still went to school/daycare and I still worked the same hours and we went on my life...the only good thing for us was Matt was in Oregon and I was in VA~
 
Ohhh....big hugs Amanda. What a tough decision.

I don't have any personal experience with separation, but would imagine that keeping communication lines open with the kids would be a big thing. Don't let them hear you say anything bad about their Dad (and vice versa). Go forward with a positive frame of mind. Think not so much of what did/didn't go wrong, but what can you learn from this ... how have you become stronger because of it. If you dwell on the negative things, you'll find plenty to discourage you. Instead, look for the positives, even if it's just the smallest thing. I know, it's probably easier said than done.

I'm a firm believer that when one door closes, another one opens. Look for the hidden blessing in all of this. It may not be obvious immediately, but it will eventually become apparent.

Huge, huge hugs and prayers for you and your children.
 
{{Hugs}} Amanda, decisions like this are always nerve-wracking, but if you know in your heart that it's the right thing to do, then we are all here to support and love on you!
 
My husband and I seperated for almost a year. Towards the middle we were working on reconciling. But we both had a lot of stuff to work through. It is really hard. I will be praying for you and your family.
 
Amanda, I admire your courage and strength in making such a difficult choice and taking steps forward! I have no advice, but want you to know I'll be thinking of you and praying ((HUG))
 
My sister went through a nasty divorce 2 years ago this summer. She has three kids who, at the time, were 12, 10, and 7. The middle one is her boy and he took it the hardest as the image of his dad was shattered because of what he saw. My sister left because of years of abuse and her boy was in a lot of denial, likely to cope. She made sure his school teachers knew he was having trouble and was fortunate to have a good child counselor in school to help. My sister has good, male role models in her life, so she enlisted their help to set better examples for her son. They did and got him involved in sports, which has done wonders for his self-esteem.

It was very rough for the first year with my nephew, but now he is doing better than ever in school, at home, with friends, and has even joined the swim team. The oldest girl knew what was going on at home and was happy to see the divorce happen. It was still an adjustment for her, but she managed it very well. The little one was mostly scared, but my oldest niece very much took her under her wing and watched out for her. My sister also made sure her teachers knew what was happening and went to the school counselor.

I guess my advice based on many calls with my sister and my own personal chats with the kids is, they are stronger than you think. They may be scared and confused at times, but they will also be OK if you're honest with them. Don't hide anything from them or dumb it down. They know. Every child is so different and you know your kids the best, so the words will come when you need them to. If they don't, holding them and reassuring them it will get better is very powerful - for you, too.

Lean on your own friends and family for support, not your children, and you will come out of this stronger than you ever thought, too. The change I've seen in my sister in such a short time is wonderful. I hope you're on a path to happiness very soon! xoxo
 
I just want to give you a big hug!! It's not an easy decision, but you have to what is best for you and your children... My prayers for guidance for you and your family!
 
Big hugs!

For your kids, I'd say try to keep things as normal as possible...the less change in routine for them, the better. They need to know that mom and dad both love them, and that it is NOT their fault (kids are so good at figuring out how they are to blame for things).

I'd also advise you to let their teachers/counselors at school know what is going on...sometimes the kids will act out or their behavior will change alot...it will help the staff to know how to help the kids if they are aware of changes at home.

Lastly, if you think they need help coping, ask your school counselor or clergyperson about counseling. Sometimes they are more willing to talk to an outsider than they are to mom or dad, because they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
 
Sending you lots of positive thoughts Amanda... I am in the process of filing for divorce now, myself. It is a decision that I have put off for so long, but I know it's the right one. My boys are 12, 13 and 16, so a bit older than your kids. I am hopeful that in the long run things will be so much better for them... but in the meantime, my plan is to do my absolute best not to be negative about their father in front of them. They know what they know.... and they'll figure out the rest. Hang in there!
 
I don't have any advice. My parents divorced when I was 15 and it was really traumatic for me. I still knew that under the circumstances it was for the best. I just want to offer hugs and positive thoughts. Living in an unhappy household isn't good for anyone, it's a hard road but you will all get through it.
 
No advice, but I want to offer you lots of support. Kids are strong, yours will make it though and eventually bloom. Growing up with two separate houses is MUCH better than growing up with fighting and unhappy parents. I will pray for you guys!
 
Thank you girls so much, you have no idea how much that means. ((((hugs))))

The decision came only after a lot of intense reflection. It's extremely difficult on a lot of levels. It means facing some of my biggest fears, demons, and self-doubt. But the doors are opening to an entire new chapter & world.

I had my first day of 'real' work in 8 years today. It was Ah-maz-ing. I'm a shipping clerk for our local water plant, essentially I'm checking in truck drivers all day. I get to wear jeans & my boots to work and my co-workers are super fun. Just another confirmation that I'm doing what's right/best.

I'm totally at peace with my decsions and know that I will be okay. My kids will be okay (eventually), I just don't want them to ever feel trapped in the middle.

After last night I'm afraid that I'm the only one who sees it that way, because he's never had to deal with that. I was away for the weekend with a couple of girlfriends and came home to 1000 questions from the kids as to why I said daddy had to move out. We had agreed not to discuss it with them until we were together & had the little things sorted out (ie: living arrangements, etc). I was/am absolutely livid about the situation he's created by telling them 'by himself'.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts & prayers and hugs.
 
I am divorced. If you ever have any questions or need any support, feel free to message me on Facebook. I left 3.5 years ago after years of time when I should have left, but wasn't ready to. My divorce was finalized a year ago (I just now realized I missed the anniversary completely, it was on 4-3). My son was only 3 when I left

Here's my advice. Forgive your husband for the crap he put you through and everything you went through together. Have a talk about moving past all that and not allowing it to seep back in. If you can move on as friends, it is much healthier for the kids and so much less stressful on you. Yes, you will occasionally fight, but keep it between yourself and don't let the kids know.

Second, be open with your children. Let them know you are there for them to answer any questions they have. They will come to you.

Lastly, you will be happier and thus, your children will be happier. This will take time, but it will happen eventually. Good luck, I am sure this will be for the good for you and your family.
 
Oh Amanda... so sorry that he decided to tell the kids without you. One of my biggest fears is that despite my every intention to take the high road, my husband will not. He's going to be angry, and the result is going to be bad. I so hope that we can manage to come to an understanding, but I'm preparing for the worst.

I hope that you were able to comfort your kids and that you're able to communicate with your husband about the need to keep the kids out of the middle.... and that he HEARS you. (((HUGS)))
 
((Hugs)) I don't have any advice, but I'm sorry he went against what you both decided and told the kids without you. Congrats on the new job. It sounds like you're excited about the new possibilities in your life, and after some time and help to adjust your kids are going to be fine.
 
Oh, honey, I so feel your pain. :( While I'm happy to hear that you're at peace with your decision, I will warn you that there will be times when you'll doubt yourself and every choice you've ever made. That's normal. Just don't let the doubt and uncertainty overwhelm you. Know that everything happens for a reason and that you are sooo right; when one door closes, another opens. It's hard to see it now, but in a year or two, you will look back on this with a whole new perspective and will feel proud of yourself for having the courage to stand on your own two feet and do what was best for you and your children.

Divorce sucks. There's no way around it. It will most likely be tough on the kiddos, but just keep in mind that this is what's best for them in the long run. For years, my DD watched my ex and I fight and argue, and I just wish I'd had the guts to walk away before things got to that point. Kudos to you for taking a stand and making yourself and your happiness a priority. You are worth it, and YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!!

If I can ever lend a helping hand or just an ear to listen, please don't hesitate to reach out to me. There were many wonderful people who helped me get through my separation/divorce, and I would've been lost without them. I wish you all the best. You can do this, girl! Many hugs and much love to you. :wub:
 
I don't have any advice. My husband is an alcoholic and we've been married for 17 years with many ups and downs ... very much a roller coaster and I was always too afraid to leave. Never thought I could "handle" things on my own so I stayed and stayed and stayed. That's not to say that things can't work out between us, but it's like now I've invested so much of my life I just can't walk away. Guess it's a good thing he's in Saudi Arabia for a year? Really I just wanted to say that I sincerely admire your courage and you should be proud of yourself for taking control of your life.
 
I've been divorced for 10 years this year. You will get through it and so will the kids. You will be happier and the kids will be happier because YOU are. I went to see a family counselor one time to learn about how to tell the kids things, what to do and what not to do (like never say anything bad about their dad and I haven't), how and when to introduce them to someone new etc. I can recommend a visit like that to help you to deal with them in a healthy way.

You are strong enough to handle all that comes at you, even if you don't think you are. You will amaze yourself with what you can learn to do. It will be okay.
 
Thank you girls so much. I appreciate each and every one of your thoughts, prayers, wishes and encouragement. It's going to be a long road, but I believe that this is what is best.

He's started staying at his own place tonight. The kids handled it pretty well. I'm going to help him move over the weekend, the kids are going to be with my mom/sister, I don't want them here to see him going, I think it'll make it a lot harder on everyone.

Much love to you all. *hugs*
 
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