alright..this is my VERY FAVORITE emails of ALL TIMES..enjoy and feel free to share
pretty sure that there is some explecitives in here..but i didn't write it..i just read it and busted a gut
disclaimer...remove ALL food and or drink from you mouth before reading this!
WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to women (even some guys)
everywhere who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
football cheerleader 48 years ago, I decided it would be a good
idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old
aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started
and encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found
it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find
Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with
blonde hair, dancing green eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Before long I assume I'll resemble Belinda. Belinda gave me a tour and
showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which
she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to
be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee and I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into
the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe
I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
try to steer or stop, so I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when
I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell
would anyone invent a machine to simulate activity rendered obsolete
by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some
other crap too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour
late, it took me that long to tie my shoes Belinda took me to work
out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent
another skinny
bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which
I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human
being in the history of the world Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic
little tramp. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering
why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine
with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV
remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me
to bend over,
he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds.
