what do you say??

J

jessica31876

New member
When you have a teenaged son/daughter who has just broken up with their boyfriend/girlfriend and is just completely devastated? Not just one they had just been with for a week or two but months and months and had been friends for a long time before that and now they just dont have anything? My daughter is going through this and nothing I say to her really seems to get through to her. It hurts me to see her hurting but I just dont know what to say. While I had boyfriends when I was young I only had one serious boyfriend...her dad/my current husband. She tells me I dont really know how it feels then because I met him when I was in high school. So shes right I dont REALLY know hurt like that but her dad and I have been through our fair share of trials and hurt so its not like I dont know how it feels for someone you love/care about to hurt you. She is my oldest though and the only one of my kids who have had this happen and I am just stumbling along with no clue what to say/what not to say??
 
Awww, thats so hard! Your poor DD! I don't really have any advice... I'm like you - my first boyfriend is now my DH, so I don't really know what its like to have that kind of hurt. HUGS for you though!
 
Awww, poor girl! I remember getting my heart broken big time in high school, and the one thing I recommend NOT saying is what I was told. "I know it seems like a big deal now, but years from now you'll realize that it wasn't really important." UGH That still bugs me to this day.

I'm sorry you guys are going through this though. that's tough. :(
 
What I have told her so far is that I know it hurts and its going to hurt and sometimes youll think that itll never stop but it will stop eventually. Kinda like time heals all wounds...I told her that if it is meant to be that he will realize that too and realize he made a mistake. he broke up with her because he has alot going on in his life (two close relatives dying in like a month, graduation looming, college stuff, a band which practices several times a week etc etc) and he said he just couldn't handle a relationship right now and its not her its him. Kinda cliche line I think but whatever. But now he doesn't talk to her at all. So they went from being really good friends and doing everything together to not saying anything. She tried to stay friends but it isnt working and so I think that is what is hurting her so much. I think she gets kinda aggravated with me because I feel like I am saying the wrong thing to her but I just dont know what else to say or maybe just let it go until she is ready to talk about it?
 
exactly what I did say basically!!
Libby Weifenbach said:
Awww, poor girl! I remember getting my heart broken big time in high school, and the one thing I recommend NOT saying is what I was told. "I know it seems like a big deal now, but years from now you'll realize that it wasn't really important." UGH That still bugs me to this day.

I'm sorry you guys are going through this though. that's tough. :(
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HAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Well, I'm sure you said it in a much more loving way. I just remember to me, it seemed like my mom didn't care and thought I was just being petty (and this has been like... 15-16 years ago now?).

I bet she'll come to you when she's ready to talk about it. She's just crushed right now. Poor girl. :(
 
I suppose so. She knows I care and Ive told her that Im here and it is ok to feel hurt and totally understandable. I try not to minimize what she feels but still let her know there are other people out there and how great she is and that she will find someone else when the time is right. I guess I just wish that you could heal this kind of hurt the way you do when they are little...a hug and a kiss from mom. Soooo hard to see her hurting and know there isnt anything I can physically do to make it not hurt
 
I would just be there to listen. I always hated how my parents tried to fix things... all I usually wanted was to vent.
 
When I was a teen, the last thing I wanted to hear was "it will stop hurting" or "there will be other guys" or..... you know, anything that wasn't about the NOW. When I broke up with my BF, I wanted to talk to my friends about it, not my dad (no mom.... so yeah). So, just listen and don't try and tell her that in the grand scheme of things, it'll get better, yada yada.... at least that's not what I wanted to hear. lol
 
I guess Ill just keep trying. I told her tonight that she could come to me anytime just to talk and Id try to help or just listen if thats what she needs but I do find myself trying to fix it for her or to say/do something to her that will make her feel better now and not days or weeks from now.
 
You know, I don't think it matters WHAT you say to her right now. She's hurting, and she just wants to feel loved. Nothing you say is going to be what she wants to hear, and I don't think she expects you to fix her right now. Just be there and listen. Let her talk, and you just listen and nod, and hug her. These things take time, and she needs to grieve first...as much as it breaks your heart to see it happen. Hugs to you both - my girls are only 2 and 5, and I dread the teenage years to come.
 
I think the main thing is, be there to be a shoulder for her, if she doesn't want to talk about it, don't insist. You can't make it better, nothing you say right now will make it better for her, it just sucks. I was there as a teenager, and though it was devestating, this is how my parents approached it, which made it easier for me to open up to them.

It hurts, it really hurts to have someone you love break up with you, and she will be ok in time, but for now, she just needs you to love her and support her.
 
I think it's great if you just became the shoulder she could cry on while she feels hurt. When I was a teenager, this was what my mom did for me when I broke up with my boyfriends, and that really helped a lot in making me feel like she understands me. Totally the opposite of what my dad does... he wants to break the guy's face. LOL

Hope it will all turn out to be great and she'll heal in time and you can be there to support her all the way when she does :)
 
Thanks everyone...I know she will get over it eventually. In the meantime though it really bothers me to see her upset and thought maybe someone might have had some kind of thing to say to get her to see that it'll be ok and that she will move on. I guess like I said only time will help her realize that.
 
yep. what all of the ladies said already. you don't need to say anything to her. i know teenage heartbreak all to well and i remember it like it was yesterday. just listen if she needs you to and be there. why don't you two do like a mom/daughter date nite. go to a nice dinner and movie just the two of you. having a loving mom who understands you and want to be there is enough and what she needs. :)
 
lizzyfizzy said:
yep. what all of the ladies said already. you don't need to say anything to her. i know teenage heartbreak all to well and i remember it like it was yesterday. just listen if she needs you to and be there. why don't you two do like a mom/daughter date nite. go to a nice dinner and movie just the two of you. having a loving mom who understands you and want to be there is enough and what she needs. :)
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I was about to say the same thing. Have a mom/daughter date of some kind. Or just go buy a big tub of ice cream and sit in her room and eat it with her. What she'll remember about this time isn't what you said, but what you did. Being there for her like you are is whats most important.

((hugs)) Watching your child hurt is so hard.
 
I do that when we can. Its hard though because she has alot of activities she is involved in. Student government, honor society, chorus, work, friends and volunteer work plus all AP classes and honors classes. She does manage to balance it all though but because I know those activities are important to her and to her getting into a good college I just do what I can with her when we can. A day out for me and her in the near future (like this weekend probably!!) would be a good idea. Even if it isnt talking about what is going on just to spend a little mom/daughter time together.


lizzyfizzy said:
yep. what all of the ladies said already. you don't need to say anything to her. i know teenage heartbreak all to well and i remember it like it was yesterday. just listen if she needs you to and be there. why don't you two do like a mom/daughter date nite. go to a nice dinner and movie just the two of you. having a loving mom who understands you and want to be there is enough and what she needs. :)
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You know, my DS went through this too. I just put my arms around him and let him cry on my shoulder. I told him that I know it hurts, that it will hurt for awhile and that I would always be there for him if he needed me. I think letting him know that I was there was the best thing for him because it helped him know that I was there for him.
 
Like others have said... really nothing you say right now will help. I really didn't like to talk to my mom at that age... especially about boys!

Something you may do to help... is make her a journal or such... so she can express those feeling without fear of what others will think and say. I don't know if this is something that your daughter would like... but it is just a thought.
 
I feel like I've just been from serious relationship to serious relationship. I dated one guy for almost 2 years my freshman yr to the middle of my sophmore year. Then dated another guy from then til my 2nd yr in college...got engaged...broke it off. And now I've been with my current boyfriend for 3 years. Talk about serial long term dating.

Best advice I ever got was: "Absolutely everything happens for a reason, whether you know it now or not. Things happen, and you always learn a lesson from the situation. It may not be obvious at first but with time you'll figure out what the lesson is."
 
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