:( Sad for and embarrassed by...

schock77

schock77

New member
my son's behavior lately. I feel somewhat anonymous here, so I'm spilling to you all. I feel like I've failed him as a mom... here I am a teacher who helps kids with issues all of the time. For goodness sake, I have an entire shelf of behavior management books for my special needs students. I've had TONS of kids with serious behavior issues and been able to help them "fix it" but now with my own kid, I'm stuck. :(

He's super smart- 6 years old and reads way above grade level. He's a sensitive guy and was usually pretty sweet- even gets along ok most of the time with his sister. But lately, he literally can't control himself when he gets upset. It could be something as simple as his video game freezing up- or like last night at the inlaws (talk about embarrassing)- he had a total meltdown about not winning.

His meltdown? Crying, screaming at the top of his lungs about not wanting to be "a loser", stomping, throwing the soccer ball... we don't talk like that at the house and certainly don't act that way. I've put him in his room, I've taken things away, I've tried talking to him (when he's calm) about ways to calm down and deal with anger, and yesterday, I lost it and spanked him (which kind of defeats the purpose as I'm trying to teach him NOT to act in anger)...

So I'm thinking of calling his pedi and getting the name of a counselor, but I'm embarrassed even about doing that. Anyone been to a counselor before? I have a feeling I'll show up and begin crying and spilling all of this and she'll think "No wonder!"...

Sorry for spilling this on you, but I needed to talk to someone and not exactly someone I "know"........
 
First off...speaking from experience...do not be embarrassed that you want to get your child some help!! Ask the pedi for a referral to a "child behavior specialist" and let them evaluate him. They are trained in all kinds of behavior...and will be able to help you. Our pediatrician recommended us to the "best doctors in Kansas City" as he phrased it. Only thing is it took 9 months before they could see him...but it was hard dealing with him for 9 months...but SOOO worth the wait to see these doctors. I'd have gone nuts by now without these two doctors that my children (yes I said children!) are seeing...in fact they have seen all 3 at one time or another.

My oldest was able to talk to one of them about him and his dad being about ready to kill each other (they have the same temper and set each other off)...he was very pleased with how the dr told him to talk to his dad...it worked so well that his dad built him his own bedroom in the basement (and a nice room at that!)...and dad had sworn he would "never finish the basement". It's not all finished...but there is a nice bedroom down there now taking up about 1/3 of it.

It's hard to be "emotionally separate" from your child to help them like you help your students...so don't be so hard on yourself. ...but I highly recommend asking for a child behavioral specialist...and just as an fyi...we had to change insurance for our family in order to see them. ...feel free to PM if you want to! {{hugs}}

P.S. My oldest read at age 2...by Kindergarten was reading Isaac Asimov's The Rocky Planets and could fully understand it. ...but had a major problem with the winning/losing bit...
 
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I think that is pretty normal for a 6-year old, especially if he behaves nicely most of the time. My oldest daughter was a bit like that for a couple of years but she's become a lot better over the last year (she is seven now). We usually just ignored her tantrums, and gave her space to calm down, and then when she was calmer we explained that that is not OK behaviour. We also talked a lot about taking a deep breath, and trying to think things over before getting angry. I think kids at that age have a hard time controlling their emotions, but they will learn.
 
OH NO, Stephanie! :( I wish I lived close by and we could discuss this over coffee. My 4 1/2 year old has JUST started acting this way; it has caught me totally off guard because he is so good natured. I dont have any suggestions, just shared heartache.
 
I have a 7yo that has trouble controlling his emotions when he's angry or upset. It was far worse at 5 and 6, it's improved a lot - but it's still an issue. The biggest help I can reccomend is that if he's upset and screaming and stomping and all that - you need to be the complete opposite - totally calm, and soothing. If he will let you, hug him and rub his back, and try to sooth him saying things like - it's ok, I understand, take a big breath, etc. If he won't allow you to hold him or hug him, then I'd remove him from observers and try to talk to him gently. If he wants to know why he is going to his room or another room - just tell him, we're going to stay here until you calm down. Don't try to address the issue or discipline while he's in tantrum mode - but then when he's calm, talk to him about it and be honest about what he needs to do.

- everyone needs to learn to control their emotions when they get upset

- maybe ask him if he sees other kids throwing tantrums the way he does (at school, at church, etc) This really helped my son for some reason - just to have it pointed out to him that - dude, people don't do that!

- give him some ideas of things he can do to work through his upset if he feels a tantrum coming on.

I totally understand where you are coming from - it's really hard when it's your own kid and when you are with people that don't understand.
 
I don't have any further advice, but I just wanted to offer lots of hugs and sympathy! There is NOTHING wrong with going to see a therapist or specialist. I very firmly believe that we all need a little outside assistance at one point or another!
 
sounds familiar.. I've been going through a lot with ce the past 6 or so months. I had the same "I'm a failure, why couldn't I fix this" thing- I worked with special needs & behavioral kids/adults.. I know the drill by textbook.. but when it's your kid, well as I've learned finally everything is different ^_^ I don't feel comfortable writing out everythign that has been going on here in the main forum, but I will say I finally broke down and got him into therapy.. it was hard to admit that I needed help, but it's for the best. Lil dude has gone through a lot with the divorce and other things.. and I know it's not something that is going to be fixed overnight..
Anyway... what I am saying, is don't feel like a failure because you need help- It's taken me a few months now to accept, LOL, but that is what they are there for. Talk to your pedi, see what they reccommend and go from there. Feel free to pm me as well :]
 
No advice, just offering big hugs. I know as a mommy we want to fix everything and make it better. And sometimes we just don't know how to.
 
((hugs)) Stephanie, we haven't been through it, but I know my son had a major change after being in kindergarten, I kind of chalk it up to the influence of other kids. When he's home with just us for awhile he's fine and I notice as soon as he's around other kids, he starts to misbehave and have some attitude issues. Good luck
 
I can relate on soooooo many levels.

First, I'm a teacher, too. I work with kids (4 year olds) all day every day and help them in numerous ways. Yet, I can't even help my own son? Seriously?

Second, my kiddo is 6, too! And, intensely smart. Kindergarten was awful for us. Just awful. The few behavioral problems we had before K5 were AMPLIFIED to the 100th degree when he hit school.

Meltdowns/temper tantrums/where-are-the-aliens-that-abducted-my-son-andeplaced-him-with-this-thing --- all the same on this end.

I literally FEEL your pain. In fact, I just did a layout about this a few days ago (check my gallery...it's 'I Will Not Fail You').

We recently saw our pediatrician and got a referral for a Behavioral Psychiatrist. We are attempting some other behavior modification techniques as well.

For example, once the fits begin, Whit is removed from the situation (whatever the situation is) for however long it takes for him to calm down. It is not acceptable for him to scream in my face or meltdown with other people around. I just won't tolerate it. So, he goes to his room or we go to a bathroom or whatever. I won't try to talk to him or anything until he can talk calmly. If he throws a fit, well, we just wait it out until he can calm down. I won't let him "show out" in front of any one else...it just makes it worse.

And, my hubs and I have tried sitting with him for 45 minute to an hour each day and just do what he wants to do. My doctor said, "sit your tail on the floor and just do what HE wants to do for an hour!" Sometimes I get so wrapped up in cleaning, computering, etc and I think "well we went to McD's to play or swimming or to the park, he should be happy!" But, that's not the same. DS wants time with US. Just me or his dad...all by himself. I will say, this has really helped him, I think. Most of his behavior stuff was attention-getting behavior, so now that he gets his "fill" of attention from us, he doesn't demand it in a negative way.

I don't know. These are just a few things that we are trying while we wait to see the specialist in a few months.

Plus, we are trying some other "things," which I don't really feel like talking about publicly. But, if you PM me, I would be happy to talk to you more openly about!

Seriously, you are not alone! I really understand what you are going through and I am in the EXACT same boat.

{{{{HUGS}}}} to you, girl! PM me...I'd love to talk!

Leigh
 
I took my oldest to a therapist when he was around that same age. His problem was that he was always worrying to the point of making himself sick to his stomach. Eventually he got over it. But don't feel like a bad mom or embarassed because you need a little extra help with some behavioral problems. Get him in see what they say maybe they can teach you both how to handle it. GL!
 
I have to say my 6-year old boy is having all the same issues - as are some of the boys of other mums at our school, which I had found reassuring in a totally selfish way!

We are dealing with it ourselves, and I can relate to all the stress and the end results of that. I had quite honestly never considered going to councelling as I truly believed it was pretty normal behaviour: starting to assert himself and finding his place as an individual in this world, but with the emotions of a child.

Alex always does better when the tv is off and we are one-to-one, and he particularly flares up when both my husband and I around (and discussing work etc), or we want to do something and he doesn't - even over simple things like bath time.

It has always seemed that he does best when reasoned with, involved and asked his opinion. Trouble is we can't always do that, or are simply too tired to. Those are the awful times when all tempers kick off.

I really don't think you're a bad mum - though I have definitely thought the same of myself - you're just a normal one doing the best you can with all the other million and one things going on around you too!

The world really is so different even from when we were kids and I just think a lot of the issues are a result of the way our young men growing up today and trying to find a place for themselves in this very, very busy world, and all we can do is our best to support them and give them as much of our time as we possibly can - and accept ALL the help that anyone is offers the rest of the time!

...remember, you are not alone.
 
Another one here who knows exactly what you are going through. DS (9) has been having some of the same issues. He has such a flaring temper and it's usually when he doesn't get his way. And can be for just the silliest things too - losing at a game, having to turn the tv off, getting ready for bed, etc. He is also in the GT program at school. He's also my anxious one - had some interesting fears as well. I think sometimes these GT kids' intellectual abilities surpass their emotional ones. They can't always emotionally handle what their brains are processing and so general coping skills are harder.

We've talked about getting some counselling for him but it seems that his episodes are fewer and further between as he gets a little older. We also notice that once he goes to his room and is allowed some quiet time to calm down, we can then reason with him a little better and talk it through. Hoping it continues on this trend. I do feel for what you are going through. I'm another one you can pm if you ever need to talk!
 
I'm dealing with this also not with both twins just with Aubrey. I'm not sure what to do most days. Wish I was able to offer you advice. I'm going to go and read all the other posts now and see if any are able to help the both of us! (((((HUGS)))))
 
Oh hun I can so relate! DS is 5.5 and I just am starting to see this, not very often, but I have a feeling once he starts Kindergarten it will be an issue! So I'll be reading this thread and hoping for some good advise to try. I too think that the more intellectually advanced are often not as mature emotionally and this causes great frustration for them.
 
OMG...my 8 y/o is TOTALLY like this and I just don't know what to do with him most of the time...he is very hard on himself when he is playing a game and the game doesn't go well...so lots of times we tell him to shut it off and he just looses touch....I am hoping alot this has to do wtih him adjusting to mom being back ome and enforcing rules since I was gone for the past 7 months...I'll be checking out this thread to see what other moms have to say...you are definetely not a bad mom...
 
Thanks girls---I can't tell you how much I needed this today... I really appreciate all the thoughts and hugs and support. That's what I love about SSD- not just the scrapbooking stuff, but the community. ♥
 
{{{HUGS}}} to you Steph! I have an almost 6yr old that has been going through the same things for the last 18mos. Hang in there! You have been given some really good advice here! Do what feels right for your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers
 
I just want to say, I know it's hard to talk about these things, because you think that you might have 'failed' or that people are going to judge you by how your children behave... but good for you for coming here to 'talk' about this! And I don't have much advice, but I hope you find the answers you are looking for...
but one little thing... have you taken him to a pediatric allergist or nutritionist (or some doctor who is knowledgeable in these things?) I know from when my brother was younger his diet made a HUGE difference in his behaviour. One big trigger for him was the clarifier in apple juice and any red dye at all. He'd loose any ability to control his behaviour! He was nuts! Also, whenever it was spring or fall, his environmental allergies made him really irritable (like ragweed, etc.). A family I know took their kids off ALL preservatives (those kids were crazy monsters from birth!) and they are now the calmest, happiest children! It worked for them. For my daughter, if she's had more sugar than she should, she's very difficult to reason with and only ever seems to throw tantrums if she's had a candy. Maybe diet is contributing in small ways?
 
well I didn't read all the other responses, but I could have wrote that exact post! A lot of times I can contribute it to being Ethan is tired and/or he is in need of some one on one time. That and they are still young, they are learning to how to control those types of emotions... that said we are doing check ups this year before school and I will most likely be mentioning it to the dr to just make sure it is all normal, but I don't suspect anything out of the norm.
 
Thanks ladies again- I wanted to post in case you all end up looking to do the same. Be sure to check with your employer- my husband has the kids on his insurance, so I called to check if we had benefits/coverage for my son to see a counselor.

His employer has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) that we can go through first- 5 sessions free and then if the problem continues, it kicks over to the "mental health" portion of our insurance (which surprisingly is pretty good coverage).

Anyway, thanks again ladies... I was really in a bad place when I wrote that and appreciate the kind thoughts and knowing I'm not the only one dealing with this.
 
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