Question for SAHMs

C

Coila

New member
So if you are a stay at home mom does that mean you are the only parent that ever takes care of your child or children? That your husband has a free pass because he "supports" you.

Yes... this is a rant. I'm sorry. I just am so frustrated but maybe I am being unreasonable. Ever since my son was born I have done everything for him. Fed him, changed him, gave him baths, put him to bed, held him when he was sick, got up in the middle of the night with him, etc. I'm serious, everything. Then when I ask for a little help I get it thrown in my face that I haven't worked in 2 years and that he supports me. Wth? So, is this the way it is for real? I don't even remember the last time I did anything without my little guy attached at my hip. I even had to take him with me to get my blood drawn because my husband was too busy. He has his own business so it's not like he can't get away for 30 minutes he just chooses not to.

I'm so tired of it all though. I know that it should be mostly my responsibility and I love spending every day with my son. I know I am lucky for that. But is it unreasonable to get a little help every now and then?

Sorry so long... please tell me if I am being crazy though.
 
I'm in the same boat as you. It's very very very frustrating. It was really bad at first, but he has gotten a bit better in the last year. But it took a long time. And it took a certain verbal approach...otherwise they block stuff out.

You can't approach things like "You never" "You always" It comes off as an attack and you won't be heard.

Have you tried counseling?
 
I'm so sorry! :( that would be very hard. My husband probably does more than he should. With our last baby, he'd get her when she woke up in the middle of the night and sometimes change her, but always bring her to me so I could stay in bed the whole time.

Then, once he's home at the end of the day, he pretty much does everything--of course, my girls make him, but he happily does it. He changes any diapers or clothes that need changing and he has a certain "bath" night every week where he gives the baths. And as I'm getting huge, he is taking on more.

Have you talked to your hubby about it? Even though yes, he "supports" you, he is still a parent too and should be doing things that parents have to do!
 
I know what you mean about the attack. I try not to say it that way but then when I'm so fed up... after it all builds up... I end up saying "you never" etc.

We actually have been to counseling before. I don't think I could get him to go back.

I try my best to take care of everything but it is so overwhelming sometimes. Then I get no appreciation for anything. And on top of it all I'm having another baby in May. Yes I am really happy and excited but terrified of taking care of a very energetic almost 2 year old and a newborn at the same time... alone. I feel so weak
 
That is how it is in my home, but I work and go to school full time also, all internet classes. Hubby doesn't do anything for our daughter, I have to beg him to watch her while I run up to the town grocery store to get food. If I was doing anything else I would have to take her with me. The only time he ever did any of the "mommy" things was during the summer when I was taking a class I had to attend twice a week, and he threw it into my face that he had to take care of her then. I hope it gets better before the new baby comes, I am sure it will be worse until I return to work in august.

I sympathize with you!!!

Rachel
 
Wow, I'm jealous :)

Sarah8914 said:
I'm so sorry! :( that would be very hard. My husband probably does more than he should. With our last baby, he'd get her when she woke up in the middle of the night and sometimes change her, but always bring her to me so I could stay in bed the whole time.

Then, once he's home at the end of the day, he pretty much does everything--of course, my girls make him, but he happily does it. He changes any diapers or clothes that need changing and he has a certain "bath" night every week where he gives the baths. And as I'm getting huge, he is taking on more.

Have you talked to your hubby about it? Even though yes, he "supports" you, he is still a parent too and should be doing things that parents have to do!
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My DH is awesome and here's just a sample of why...he took off 30 days when our twins were born so he was right there alongside me doing the baby thang day and night. We agreed before having kids that we would both be active parents. Now that our boys are nearly 5 he does the baths and can take care of them solo. Sure he does a few things different but he gets it done and is a super great dad. The minute he comes home from work he is fully engaged and our boys adore him!
 
Jealous again :)

alansrock said:
My DH is awesome and here's just a sample of why...he took off 30 days when our twins were born so he was right there alongside me doing the baby thang day and night. We agreed before having kids that we would both be active parents. Now that our boys are nearly 5 he does the baths and can take care of them solo. Sure he does a few things different but he gets it done and is a super great dad. The minute he comes home from work he is fully engaged and our boys adore him!
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You certainly have a lot on your plate! I don't go to school at all but I do all of the office work, invoicing, billing, etc. for my husband's business. So it keeps me busy. I keep hoping it will get better too.

nehmelman said:
That is how it is in my home, but I work and go to school full time also, all internet classes. Hubby doesn't do anything for our daughter, I have to beg him to watch her while I run up to the town grocery store to get food. If I was doing anything else I would have to take her with me. The only time he ever did any of the "mommy" things was during the summer when I was taking a class I had to attend twice a week, and he threw it into my face that he had to take care of her then. I hope it gets better before the new baby comes, I am sure it will be worse until I return to work in august.

I sympathize with you!!!

Rachel
Click to expand...
 
I've done both. And from my perspective, it was easier to work all day and come home to a 2 year old than it was being a SAHM. I quit because she had to have eye surgery, big mess with the daycare, blah blah blah...but sometimes in these last 7 years I have missed adults and being at work.
You have the most important job in the world, raising a child, and some just don't seem to understand how tough that is. I'm sorry you're not getting much support from your significant other. I think you need to take off for a girls weekend and let him see just how hard you work! (((HUGS)))
 
Hugs honey, seriously I am so sorry you are not getting the help and support you deserve. Wes is amazing and I know I am a lucky girl but its taken almost 4 kids to get him the way he is LOL So I can sympathise. Now he does all the diaper changes with our toddler when hes home and he cooks/ cleans etc when I just dont feel like it. However I get a lot of flack from his family. They are the ones that don't get it. His mom is a total pain in that aspect.
 
I am sorry you don't have more support...I know it's difficult to be a SAHM sometimes...(((hugs)))

My Mom carried the burden all of my childhood...my Dad only ate, slept and worked. I now can appreciate all of her hard work. I feel so blessed my dh goes into Dad mode the second he steps through the door after working 12+ hours. He also lets me call him at work to rant when I need to.
 
I am so sorry your DH is acting like that! I can see his point, that he goes to work and provides for you, but he musn't realize that his job ends at a certain point in the day (9-5 or whatever). YOU'RE job as a wife and mother NEVER ends. Your day doesn't end at 5. It goes on and on and on. He wouldn't like having never having lunchbreaks, having to work from 6am to 12 midnight, and be on call through the night, would he? Thats no different than being a SAHM. Maybe you can reason with him that way??

My hubby is one of those men who's goal in life was to be married & have a family of his own. He wanted a stable job to support his family, but most of all he wanted the wife & kids, kwim? So now that he has that, he's very involved in Ava's day. When he gets home, he gives me a kiss, asks how my day was, helps get supper started (sometimes makes it), and plays with Ava. He's in charge of bedtime, so he reads her a story, gets her changed for bed, warms up a bottle, says a little prayer with her and then puts her down. I am really very very fortunate that he does these things for us!
 
I'm sorry. :(

Ironically, I think the best thing that ever happened to my FI when it came to his parenting skills and abilities was his divorce. Having to be a single parent has made him a much better caretaker and even now that we are together, he does 99% of the work for his child: baths, bedtime, laundry, pickups and dropoffs, school functions, dr appts, etc. I'm sure that would change some if/when I became a SAHM and if he had to take a corporate job (he works at home now), but I know that those few years having to do it all himself will make him a very hands on parent when it comes time for us to have our own. He knows firsthand how hard it is to do it all alone and would never shirk doing his share when it came to our kids.

On the other hand, I don't think I'll get much help from him when it comes to the house itself. Being a SAHM to him = almost all housework. We'll see how it goes.
 
I would find your situation very frustrating also. (((HUGS)))

I do have to say that's not how it is in our house. My husband and I chose to have kids together, and we share the responsibility. I do stay home with them, but in the middle of the night when one is screaming or sick, my husband will often get up too. I usually do it if I can because he has to get up early for work, but he will often try and convince me that it's okay, it's his turn, he doesn't mind. So we share the nighttime stuff. My husband usually puts one of the kids to bed, and I the other. I usually do baths, but he gets the kids pajamas ready, or cleans up the kitchen while I'm doing that or something else. It's never ever a fight. Sometimes neither of us feel like getting up and we laugh about that, we get tired, but we're tired together. Once we even rock paper scissored to see who got to sleep in on a Saturday morning and who got up with the kids. :) Sometimes he can tell I just need to get 'out' and he'll take the kids somewhere so I can have a bath or scrap, or he'll tell me just to go out. I've been away for a weekend and he's fine. He takes days off work to take the kids to doctors or dentist appointments and sometimes just so we can have a fun family trip the kids would like as a surprise in the middle of the week. I'm the one who kind of remembers all the things the kids need, when we need to buy new clothes, makes all the meals, etc. but DH does all the finances and bills and taxes and stuff (plus he works 9-10 hour days) so it's totally fine with me if he doesn't remember our daughter's shoe size. :)
 
Oh, honey. I have SO been in your situation. I have been a SAHM for seven years (just started working for the firs time in August) and my DH used to do the same type of things. He felt like his job was to bring home the paycheck. And my "job" was everything that had to do with the house and kids. He felt like he was "off the clock" anytime he was home, which meant I was "on call" for the kids 24/7. It was awful. We would fight and it would end up in a screaming match with me yelling at him that "I didn't have these kids by myself, and I'm not going to raise them by myself". Ugh, I don't ever want to go back to those days. Our marriage was a total mess. We've been in marriage counselling for a little over a year now and so much has changed. He still sometimes pulls that "I work, you don't" thing on me, but its few and far between.
I think there were two big factors in changing his view on our roles... one was an AMAZING marriage counselor that had no problem telling him, "Look, this is NOT how it works in a marriage". And second, was me getting a job. I got a job because I had to, financially, but it worked out well for his "view" on my role in the house. I still do the lions share of the housework but he takes a much bigger role in raising our boys.
Just keep your chin up and don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. And go to a GOOD counselor. Even if he doesn't. It will be good for you and your marriage even if you both don't participate. ((hugs))
 
When our first daughter was born it was like that for us, but it was because I felt bad that my hubby had to work all day then come home. He got a wake up call when I went back to work, I don't work much usually one day a week, and his first time staying home with her alone (she was 3 months) when I got home he told me how much I worked all day and that he needed to do more. Now, with two kids and one on the way its a 50/50 care process and the girls WANT him when he gets home so he is happy that they look forward so much to time with him.
 
(((Hugs))) Sorry things are like that. I know I'm blessed with the most incredible husband out there. He does bathtime every night so I can get some stuff done.

I'm old school in the mentality that I do stay home..least I could do is make things easier for him when he gets home..only b/c he does work so hard during the day. He does way more for me though than I deserve. I'm so thankful for that though. I hope if you talk to him that y'all can work out a compromise and even out the help.
 
A big fat {{{HUG}}}! Reading your post made me mad. I agree, you got to start sticking up for yourself. Whether its going to counseling by yourself or telling hubby that you have had it, it sounds like you are fed up with being a single mom. And truly, that is what you are it seems atm.

I don't know you personally, but it seems to me that being the best mom you can be does require some YOU time, otherwise, constantly being a unappreciated wife/mother will bring you down-which isn't the best for the little kiddos. Take some action of some kind for YOU and the good health of your family.

I did. I thought I wanted to be a SAHM, but six weeks at home was enough. By the end of that time, I was going insane. I don't know how all of you women out there do it without having an angel for a husband. The kid part is great, but pile all the house crap on and it just sucks sometimes.

Good luck!
 
Thank you all so much for your responses. It is amazing how much better you can feel when people understand what you are going through. It even makes me happy (and insanely jealous) to hear good stories too because it just means that there is always hope.

Oh and real quick - the in-law comment from Sarah: It drives me insane that my husband's grandma (she raised him) makes me feel inadequate and like I am totally out of line for wanting help. She totally babied my husband growing up (still does) and I think that has stuck with him. I think that is how he expects women to be. Drives me crazy though.

I also say I am a married single mother :)

I am greatful that my husband supports me and that I am fortunate enough to experience the first 2 years of my son's life first hand but it is not like I have never supported him either... he was out of work for a year once, before we were married, and I paid the bills because I worked. He seems to forget that. Oh no wait that was different because I wanted him to live with me... he could've just moved back home. That's right. (sarcasm being used here if you couldn't tell)

But I do think I want to see a counselor, with or without him. That way I won't lay all this on the sweetshoppe community :)

Thanks for making me feel better though :)
 
I haven't read the thread so I may be the exception to the rule, but my DH bends over backwards to help me!!! We have 4 children (3 are older and our baby just turned 1) yes I have put the baby to bed every night (except for maybe 1 or 2 times) but my husband put the 3 older kids to bed every night. I can go anywhere I want at any time, although I usually don't. my DH still offers every weekend for me to take a few hours by myself!! My husband got up every night withe the baby....i took the first wake up he took the second...even when he would be up for 2 or 3 hours and then have to go and work a 10 hour day He never once complained!!! HE takes the kids to the bus stop every morning so I don't have to go out in zero degree weather with the little ones. And the biggest thing he has done recently is I am very sick and I haven't had to do one dish in almost 2.5 weeks!!! Also this morning he had a big meeting that he was going to have to leave early for (he usually doesn't leave for work until 8:30AM) and I was going to have to get breakfast and get the kids all ready for school and take care of the baby and get them to the bus stop all by myself, I was almost crying last night........my DH got up an hour earlier this morning then he needed to and made sure the dishes were done and he made pancakes for the kids and stuck them in the freezer so I'll I'd have to do is warm them up!!!

I swear, I got the pick of the litter when I chose my DH and I thank God for him everyday and I bend over backwards and go out of my way to make sure I am the best wife....most loving wife to him I can be!!!! :wub: I can't fathom a DH not acting like mine for the woman he loves.....the mother of his children....his best friend and life partner!!! It hurts my heart to hear how some of the DH's of you wonderful woman act!!! :(

I'm so sorry you DH is being a butt head!!! Big Hugs!!!!
 
I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with! Hubby needs to realize that supporting a family financially isn't completely supporting the family...he needs to be more than a paycheck.

SAHMs are caregivers, housekeepers, cooks, chauffeurs, medics, and a host of other things, and that's 24/7 365 days a year. I am blessed with a husband who tells me he couldn't begin to afford to pay me a salary for what I do.

I hope that your DH comes to realize this before things are too far gone, and his mom needs to stop criticizing you (sounds like her babying him is alot of his problem). (((hugs)))
 
I am so sorry you are having to deal with that. You deserve the help from him.

My DH is very helpful. He changed more diapers than I did the first week of DS1's life and he's always been fully involved. He is primary parent from dinner time until bedtime nearly every night so I can get some time to myself & never says a word about my taking an afternoon with friends or going to bunco monthly. Unless he has plans already & we work around that. He also does dishes & cooks once a week. He has no clue what size clothes they wear, who their friendds at school are or when their next dental appointment is but he is hands on with no complaints.

He grew up with a stay at home father. His mom worked full time & his dad was on disability by the time DH was a year old. So the idea of dad taking care of the kids and dad taking care of the house and both parents being constantly involved (cuase his dad wasn't physically able to do some things So his mom had to despite working FT) is a totally normal thing to him. I'm the one who had to adjust my thinking.
 
My DH hardly does anything for our kids...he always rolls his eyes when the girls want him to give them a bath. It's not like he even does it very often. Maybe once every 3 months or something. I know he works hard and stuff, but sometimes I need a break too. He just doesn't understand and I don't think he ever will.
 
When I was a SAHM, I looked at it this way: his job was at the office 9-5; my job was to take care of the kids at home 9-5. When we both got "off work", it was time to split the responsibilities 50/50. It's completely unfair for you to have to work 24/7 while he gets his evenings off.
 
I'm sorry but your DH's behavior is totally not acceptable. I can say this because I'm on the other side of the coin - my DH stays home with the kids while I go to work full time. I don't in any way make excuses that I worked all day and the kids are his job. IMO, it's harder staying home with the kids than going to work. I get to sit at my desk, and sip my coffee without someone needing me to wipe their butt or prep their food. When I get home, I play with them, do homework, prep food, bathe and read stories for bedtime. (And somehow find time to scrap?! LOL)

Personally I don't think I could handle staying home all day, packing lunches, dropping 2 kids off to daycare, dropping another off to kindy, picking up the other two then then one from kindy later in the afternoon. THAT's a lot of work. Your DH needs to get real, how about you take off for the day and let him stay at home with the kids?
 
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DawnMarch said:
When I was a SAHM, I looked at it this way: his job was at the office 9-5; my job was to take care of the kids at home 9-5. When we both got "off work", it was time to split the responsibilities 50/50. It's completely unfair for you to have to work 24/7 while he gets his evenings off.
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I like this way of looking at it. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm so lucky to have my DH. He's beyond wonderful with the kids and usually takes them for a few hours every weekend so that I can have some me time. I do more bathing, cutting nails, dressing, etc because I'm home...but he does his fair share, too. At night we each get a kid to put to bed...it varies on who takes which one. We normally honor their pref on this one, especially since it evens out.

I hope you and your DH can come to some sort of compromise. I can't imagine how hard it must be to do it all alone and you shouldn't have to.
 
I know exactly where you are coming from. My life is exactly the same. Like you said, I know I am so so so lucky to stay home with my dh, but a little break every now and then would be so great! I don't think you are being unreasonable. We work all day long too! Just because we aren't bringing in money doesn't mean we don't need a break. I don't get why our dh's don't think we need help sometimes! Drives me nuts!!!!
 
I'm so sorry for all of you ladies that have to go through this! I guess I'm really lucky. I'm not a SAHM, but I work days and hubby works evenings, so we don't have to use very much daycare except for a couple hours of overlap. He really likes to help out with Nathan.

I'm not saying we've never had one of those "I changed the last one!" or "The last one I changed stunk bad enough to count as two!" conversations, but in general, hubby really enjoys being a daddy. He's almost always willing to take over at bathtime or bedtime or whatever.

Maybe things will get better as your children grow older. Some guys just aren't sure what to do with a baby, but when the child's old enough to play catch or have a real conversation things might change. I'm trying to think positively! (((Hugs to you!)))
 
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