Question about Teenagers

nun69

nun69

New member
ok so here is the deal....my DH and I work full time and our kids range from 19-5, but I am letting my DD's BF move in to our spare bedroom (it is a long story, but we have disscussed it and everything is clear)...but I mentioned to my DD's best friend that she could stay with us this summer when college got out if she didn't have anywhere to go....here is her situtation:
1. her parents are divorced (dad is remarried, mom is not)
2. they both have money
3. they want her to pay rent $400+ a month over the summer once she comes home from college
4. the girl goes to school 3 hours from home, so she hasn't been able to find a job in her hometown because she doesn't live there except for the summer

I came from the mentatility that if my kids were gonna go to college that I would support them anyway I can. Well my 2 middle ones (11 and 6) will be out of school all summer and my DH and I don't have alot of time to take off to do anything with them....so if I let them both move in it would be better for me mentally and less stressful when it came to things that needed to be done around the house such as:

1. I would have to do NO chores
2. they would have to spend some quality time entertaining the 11 and 6 y/o taking them to the park/beach/walks/etc
3. no yardwork cause my DD's BF would be willing to do it
4. they have to buy any of their own special snacks/sodas/ice cream/etc(my DD works part time whenever ON calls her and her BF is working full time right now for the summer)
5. and all those little organization things I have never been able to get to since we moved in could be done over the summer

so I guess what I am asking is do you think this is fair trade for rent? I figure in reality I have 3 full time maids and babysitters :) LESS LESS stress for me!!!!! and maybe DH and I could getmore quality time together with 3 babysitters around. We have lots of room and her BFF is willing to share rooms with my DD and really only has her computer and clothes that she would need to bring with her.

Sao any advice? thoughts? Concerns? I am a big girl I can take it :)
 
As long as you know and trust both of them (well really all 3 of them) and everyone understands and accepts the rules and the conditions, then I say

YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!
 
Angie, sounds pretty sweet to me. Since classes let out my sons two bfs are here all the time. I swear the one boy hasn't gone home in four days and I get nothing out of all of them!!! If you can work a deal than I say go for it!!
 
If they are willing to be true babysitters and actually entertain the kids, not just be around them, and they are willing to do some household chores, I think that's an awesome trade. I agree about the buying of own snacks, too. Those things get expensive.
 
my oldest is planning on leaving the state in 2 years for college *SOB* and I can only hope and pray she makes a friend whose parents will treat her as their own while she's away from us. I know I would do the same for any of her friends so I think it's a very fair trade. I'd make sure your expectations of them were clear UP FRONT though before anybody agrees.
 
and yes so far her BF and her have already had the talk and know exactly what is expected and I have to admit I leave my oldest DD a "list" everyday and I expect it to be done by the time I get home, so I feel the other kids would do the same. And I honestly beleive that they might actually enjoy taking th eother kids places over the summer just so they could get out :)

her BF just emailed her today and asked if we were serious about it or not.
 
I just wonder how much the BF will be able to help out since he's working full time. I'm not so sure that yardwork once a week = fair trade. Is he going to be willing to do work full time, plus be a BF and spend time with her, plus yard work, plus babysit, organize, clean, etc ? However, the BFF coming from college will have enough time to help with all those things since she's not employed right now, so I think for that situation it sounds like a fair trade.
 
I would totally do what you are doing too! I think it is a fair trade and I think that kids, especially GOOD kids with a sense of responsibility deserve a break in getting their lives going in this world... especially in this economy. I would never ever expect my kids to pay me rent if they were not taking advantage of me. Good for you for being there for them! :)
 
I think it sounds like a good deal. My only concern would be them not getting along eventually. Maybe its just me, but I never could live with my friends for very long without us getting on each other's nerves.

Also- who charges their kids rent? It kinda seems like they are setting her up for failure.
 
I would put everything in writing and make them sign a contract. Kids are kids and what YOU think they understand may not be reality to them. Don't just assume that since you've talked to them that you are on the same page. Put it in writing. :) And that includes your DD since they are her friends and you have expectations from her also.

I just have to add, that having teenagers myself and knowing all their friends (and my boys are GOOD boys and have great friends), I would not leave anything to chance. Are you expecting no sex from your DD and her boyfriend? Put it in writing and say the BF gets kicked out if it happens (or whatever you think is justified). I just know that teenage brains are not fully developed and we can't expect them to act and know how to act like an adult in all situations. No matter HOW much you trust them and think they are mature. And just make sure your desire for the help and less stress doesn't make you compromise what you feel should be the right thing for the kids. I know for me, it would be kind of tempting! LOL

Just being real here. ;)
 
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good point Mary about the contract thing!!!!! and I don't expect them to do everything, but alot of the stuff I am pretty sure they would be willing to do. And we live on a lot and only our front yard needs cutting once every 2 weeks :) and i am sure her best friend will spend time at home just not all summer..plus when we aren't here there is lots of room for her and her bff to to be seperated ..so i will just make it clear up front was is expected and what the consequences are if they don't meet them :) they really don't have to babysit much cause the 11 and 6 y/o are pretty self suffiecnet, but they do need to have some one older around to keep an eye on them....
 
I made the same mistake thinking BF was boyfriend at first. Best friend, right?

I'd do it in a heartbeat.... I think. We're private people and we have our routines and I'd want to be sure that I'm really OK with someone else living in our house for a few months. It sounds good, but it might get on my nerves to always have someone there.... not because she's annoying, but just because she's there. KWIM? My oldest dd is only 16, but she's so good about doing chores and things while I'm gone. If I could clone her, they could both live here free for a summer.
 
MissKim said:
I made the same mistake thinking BF was boyfriend at first. Best friend, right?
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I believe there is a BF = boyfriend (who moves into the spare room) and a BFF = Best Friend Forever sharing the bedroom with DD.

LOL - I'm sure Angie loves me explaining all of this when I might even have it wrong. ;)
 
I guess I'm the weirdo but I don't think it's wrong for parents to charge their kids rent!!! Maybe not $400 dollars worth ...but I don't think it's unusual for a parent to ask an adult child to contribute to the house hold finances!!!! Especially if they were going to "live their own life" and do what ever they wanted!! :D :D

Anywho...you are a fabulous person to open your home to them....I couldn't do it...but that's just my personality. It would drive me bonkers to have extra people around and I just know that there would be a huge blow up!! But I agree with Mary....PUT IT IN WRITING!!! :thumbup: Good luck Angie, I hope it all works out for everyone!!!
 
yes Mary is right there is her BF and BFF that are coming to stay....I agree with Elizabeth that I don't think it is necessairly wrong to expect kids to pay for rent, but why would you expect it form them when they are only there for college summer break and she can't find a job in such a small town that already has people struggling for jobs....I just kind of feel bad for both kids, but we will defeinetely set some rules and put them in writing. The good thing is they won't have alot of free reign since the 11 and 6 y/o don't believe in sleeping in even in the summer lol! Her Boyfriend's parents have both said {they are divorced and remarried} that if it doesn't work out here, he can always come back home which I think was smart on his part before even thinking of moving away from home. I figure I'll give it a "trial" period and see how it goes and let them know up front it is totally a trial period lol...thanks for all the advice gals, I'll let you know what we really decide.....
 
mummytothree said:
I guess I'm the weirdo but I don't think it's wrong for parents to charge their kids rent!!! Maybe not $400 dollars worth ...but I don't think it's unusual for a parent to ask an adult child to contribute to the house hold finances!!!! Especially if they were going to "live their own life" and do what ever they wanted!! :D :D

Anywho...you are a fabulous person to open your home to them....I couldn't do it...but that's just my personality. It would drive me bonkers to have extra people around and I just know that there would be a huge blow up!! But I agree with Mary....PUT IT IN WRITING!!! :thumbup: Good luck Angie, I hope it all works out for everyone!!!
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I don't think it's wrong either to charge adult 'children' for rent. They have to learn somewhere to be responsible. I paid rent in my home when I became an adult (once I graduated high school). However, my parents put it into an account and when I got married a few years later, my dad handed me all the 'rent' back and said to "use it wisely". I was surprised to say the least because I didn't know he had been saving it for me. It taught me how to be a 'big girl' and take on financial responsibilities. I am so grateful that my parents pushed me along in being responsible.
 
nun69 said:
good point Mary about the contract thing!!!!! and I don't expect them to do everything, but alot of the stuff I am pretty sure they would be willing to do. And we live on a lot and only our front yard needs cutting once every 2 weeks :) and i am sure her best friend will spend time at home just not all summer..plus when we aren't here there is lots of room for her and her bff to to be seperated ..so i will just make it clear up front was is expected and what the consequences are if they don't meet them :) they really don't have to babysit much cause the 11 and 6 y/o are pretty self suffiecnet, but they do need to have some one older around to keep an eye on them....
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I'm probably the odd man out here, but I don't think it's a fair trade (for you) that the BF only will need to mow the lawn every two weeks. He's an adult and working full time, and yet will only have to mow the lawn every two weeks? I think he's getting off easy, but perhaps thats what your wanting to do, I don't know. But if we are looking at it being fair on both sides, I don't think it's a fair trade at all. If your only looking to see if it's fair for HIM, then yes, it's fair to him, it's more than fair.
 
Lara I think you may be right on her bf as far as getting off, so I am gonna talk with my dh and see what we can come up with. Were you a full time college student and paying rent at home? I don't expect my dd to pay rent as long as she is going to school and keeping her grades up and she takes care of her brother and sister in the morning and gets them off to school and that is a huge stress relieved for me because I don't have to get them out of bed and take them to a before school daycare

Eta: I really appreciate the advice :)
 
nun69 said:
Lara I think you may be right on her bf as far as getting off, so I am gonna talk with my dh and see what we can come up with. Were you a full time college student and paying rent at home? I don't expect my dd to pay rent as long as she is going to school and keeping her grades up and she takes care of her brother and sister in the morning and gets them off to school and that is a huge stress relieved for me because I don't have to get them out of bed and take them to a before school daycare

Eta: I really appreciate the advice :)
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Nope, I wasn't. I was working full time, at the time I was paying rent.
I have set up the same rules for my two kids as my parents had for me when I was younger. Which was when you graduate high school you will either go to college full time and they paid for it all, or you work full time and pay rent, or you go into the military. Or if you don't like them apples, you can move your bootie out and go enjoy your life elsewhere, under your own rules and checkbook.
As a matter of fact, I have a college student. My daughter is in her 3rd year of college, is 19 and also works part time. She doesn't live at home, we have her in an apartment up across from her University. Our rules for her are that we pay 100% for everything - tuition, books, supplies, apartment rent, utilities, food, car insurance, cell phone, car repairs, etc etc etc... everything... so long as her grades are kept up. Her money she makes from her part time job is hers to do with as she pleases. She doesn't have to have a job if she doesn't want to, but she really enjoys it and so that's fine with us as long as it's not interfering with her grades. So as far as 'chores' here at our home, she doesn't have any since she doesn't really live here anymore. However, when she's home visiting she's usually very willing to help me tackles projects if I'm in the midst of one. If she wasn't in college full time and keeping her grades up... and if she was living at home, then she would be paying rent because I refuse to allow my kids to live at home and be bums. I have a family member who lives at home with his parents, and he's a bum (he does work)... he doesn't pay a lick of rent whether monetary or in 'chores'. I won't allow my kids to be this way. I don't think the rent even needs to be high... even something small, very small, makes them learn to become financially responsibile and somewhat independent. I don't think it's right that my 'bum' family member pays zilch, but works full time, and does zilch to help out around the house... all the while is happy to have the parents *who are in their 60's* pay everything! Sure, it's the parents fault for allowing it... but it's his fault as well for taking it, and not being a man.
I am all for helping adult children, but I'm also all for helping them learn to become independent adults as well so that someday they can live on their own and have a fruitful life.
I figure it worked for my parents with me and my two older brothers, so it's the path I have taken for the raising of my two children as well.
 
About the rent thing - I won't be charging my boys rent if they are in school. I have one in college. The last 2 years he lived on campus and came home in the summer. The only time I would charge rent is if they are out of college and have a job. But honestly, they better be out of the house by then!!! I'm not even sure I would let them come home to live - it's stressful having a college student home who is used to doing his own thing during the school year, I can't imagine one who is a college graduate with a job.

When I graduated from college, I only stayed home for about a month before I was off to Arizona to find a job. So I expect the same from my boys - ideally I hope they have a job ready before graduation.
 
Ok, my gut reaction is a negative one about this. Only because I have two similar situations in my memory from family friends that did not end well.
Situation #1: Parents, both work full-time, allow DD's BF to move in a spare bedroom because his parents are divorced and things are not going well with his mother who lives nearby. His father lives out of state and he wants to stay near here to go to his school. They give ground rules, all seems fine, 8 or so months later DD ends up pregnant. Turns out, after the parents head off to bed at midnight-ish BF is sneaking into DD's room and has been sleeping with her nearly every night.
Situation #2: Parents, both work full-time (although, the husband works more sporadic hours and is home before his wife, and sometimes has days off when she does not) allow college aged friend of the family live in their house when she comes down for the summer. Husband ends up starting an inappropriate relationship with her.

Now... I realize both of those things can totally happen without people moving in your house. Husbands can have affairs, sure, if they are so inclined and the opportunity is there. Only you know your marriage and how strong it is for him to have a college aged woman around your house who is not his daughter. Your DD can possibly get pregnant if she's having sex with her boyfriend, regardless of if he lives in your house or not. But, you know if they have... it will be nearly impossible for them to live with each other in the same house and NOT. I almost think it's unfair to expect it to not happen. It will... whether you know about it or not. LOL. ;)

Anyways, hate to be a storm cloud... but, these are things I think about. I can't say I would have a problem with my daughter's friend moving in for the summer... but the BF? Well, I'd say no to that. But that's just me. :p
 
YepBrook said:
Ok, my gut reaction is a negative one about this. Only because I have two similar situations in my memory from family friends that did not end well.
Situation #1: Parents, both work full-time, allow DD's BF to move in a spare bedroom because his parents are divorced and things are not going well with his mother who lives nearby. His father lives out of state and he wants to stay near here to go to his school. They give ground rules, all seems fine, 8 or so months later DD ends up pregnant. Turns out, after the parents head off to bed at midnight-ish BF is sneaking into DD's room and has been sleeping with her nearly every night.
Situation #2: Parents, both work full-time (although, the husband works more sporadic hours and is home before his wife, and sometimes has days off when she does not) allow college aged friend of the family live in their house when she comes down for the summer. Husband ends up starting an inappropriate relationship with her.

Now... I realize both of those things can totally happen without people moving in your house. Husbands can have affairs, sure, if they are so inclined and the opportunity is there. Only you know your marriage and how strong it is for him to have a college aged woman around your house who is not his daughter. Your DD can possibly get pregnant if she's having sex with her boyfriend, regardless of if he lives in your house or not. But, you know if they have... it will be nearly impossible for them to live with each other in the same house and NOT. I almost think it's unfair to expect it to not happen. It will... whether you know about it or not. LOL. ;)

Anyways, hate to be a storm cloud... but, these are things I think about. I can't say I would have a problem with my daughter's friend moving in for the summer... but the BF? Well, I'd say no to that. But that's just me. :p
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Those are the types of things that come to mind when I think of this type of situation as well, Brook. As a matter of fact, my very best friend just found out that her daughter, who just graduated high school, is now pregnant.... oddly enough, they blame the boy. However, I blame ALL of them - the boy, the girl and the parents... .the parents allowed him to move in a few months ago, and they are 19... what the heck did they think would be going on when they are at work and the 'kids' are home or when they are sleeping and the 'kids' are still up and about?? Hmmmm..... I personally feel like allowing the BF to move in sets the daughter up for feeling trapped if she chooses later that she doesn't like the BF anymore, she may feel like she's trapped in the relationship because she doesn't want to boot his bootie out. I also feel like it's giving the 'kids' permission to play 'house'. And Im not naive... I knowwwww what goes on with 19yo boys n girls, lol, BUT there will be no house playing under my roof. My husband would kill me (ok, not literally... I don't think.. LOL!!) if I even suggested that our daughters BF move into our home - and we like him a whole heck of a lot too.... but I don't like him or any other boy in this world (other than my son) to be living under my roof. Uh uh, noway.

However, I'm also old fashioned though. LOL :-)
 
Ladies, I am one of those who thought that asking for rent from a child was setting her up for failure, but I was assuming she was coming home for the summer and would be returning to college in the fall. When I was in school, I paid 100% of my college tuition, books, food, and rent during the school year. I took out loans and had a few scholarships. During the summer, I worked a full time job and used the money I earned to pay my living expenses the next year. I was very careful with my money and somehow always ended up spreading my $5,000 through the whole year. If my parents would have charged me to live at home, there is no way I would have made it.

Good luck, Angie. :)
 
marlathrall said:
Ladies, I am one of those who thought that asking for rent from a child was setting her up for failure, but I was assuming she was coming home for the summer and would be returning to college in the fall. When I was in school, I paid 100% of my college tuition, books, food, and rent during the school year. I took out loans and had a few scholarships. During the summer, I worked a full time job and used the money I earned to pay my living expenses the next year. I was very careful with my money and somehow always ended up spreading my $5,000 through the whole year. If my parents would have charged me to live at home, there is no way I would have made it.

Good luck, Angie. :)
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My parents also did not charge me rent. I went to school nearby and lived with them. I went to school full time (75% paid by scholarship), had a part time job to pay for my clothes, gas & car insurance etc., and I had chores around the house. I agree, charging rent for a full-time student home in the summer seems harsh!
 
marlathrall said:
Ladies, I am one of those who thought that asking for rent from a child was setting her up for failure, but I was assuming she was coming home for the summer and would be returning to college in the fall. When I was in school, I paid 100% of my college tuition, books, food, and rent during the school year. I took out loans and had a few scholarships. During the summer, I worked a full time job and used the money I earned to pay my living expenses the next year. I was very careful with my money and somehow always ended up spreading my $5,000 through the whole year. If my parents would have charged me to live at home, there is no way I would have made it.

Good luck, Angie. :)
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I don't think the girls should be charged rent, it sounds like they are both full time students. Even for the Summer I don't think they should have to pay rent. I'd hope that the Summer would be spent perhaps helping around the house, maybe a job to prepare for the upcoming Fall semester fees and living, etc. However, if they don't return to school then thats a whole new ballgame.
 
yes both of the girls are full time students :) and I actually do get money to pay for my DD's school (quite a bit actually for my GI bill) so really she isn't living rent free, even though it sounds like it) LOL! but her BF is trying to save money to go back to school full time, his parents kind of flaked on him and started paying for his school and then quit...one day he came over and didn't even have socks on because his mom refused to buy him socks (and this was before he even had a job)....and my DD totally buys all of her clothes now that she works at Old Navy :) my DD is working on going to the same school next fall after she get's her associates in 2013 with her BF so we still haven't decided yet. And ont he affair situation, I know my marriage has lasted thourgh 2 seperations, a 3 year tour overseas and a 9 month deployment, so we are pretty solid in that area :)
 
My son is currently in college. He lives at home because it is cheaper and works part time during the semester and full time during the summer. I don't charge him rent and still pay for his cell phone, but I no longer pay for his schooling. He went through my savings and his college fund on an expesive private school he had to attend his first year. 40 freaking k a semester, so now he has to pay for the rest of it on his own. When I protested the private school he told me it was his fund and his decision so i let him do it making it clear we had the money for one year. When he asked about year two I told him to figure it out. He did. I don't know that i did anyof it right but he has grown up a lot through the process.
 
Loriebug66 said:
My son is currently in college. He lives at home because it is cheaper and works part time during the semester and full time during the summer. I don't charge him rent and still pay for his cell phone, but I no longer pay for his schooling. He went through my savings and his college fund on an expesive private school he had to attend his first year. 40 freaking k a semester, so now he has to pay for the rest of it on his own. When I protested the private school he told me it was his fund and his decision so i let him do it making it clear we had the money for one year. When he asked about year two I told him to figure it out. He did. I don't know that i did anyof it right but he has grown up a lot through the process.
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It sounds like you did just fine! :-)
 
I think you did good to Lorie and my DD knows that once her GI Bill money runs out she is on her own for college cuase we just don't have the extra money for her to go to school. So she knows that after Spring 2013 she is on her own.
 
AMEN Lorie...trial and error, maybe I will get it right by the time the last one leaves :)
 
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