Photos with unwanted person

helptheold

helptheold

Active member
So this is a problem I've been wrestling with for a few months. It's a bit heavy but I honestly don't know what to do about it and would love some unbiased opinions!

We found out that a person who was involved an activity that one of my kids attended several years ago was arrested recently for not good things (trying to keep this vague but your assumption is probably right). Everything was done outside the location of the activity which is the only place my kid ever saw this person.

There's no way anything happened to my kid during this activity which was done in the open and had lots of people (other kids, parents and tons of staff) around but the thought of this person now makes me feel icky. Which is a shame as they were great to my kid who loved them and really learned a lot from them.

Most of the pictures of the activity that I have and the person is in you can't see their face but there are a few, one in particular from when my kid left the program, where seeing the person's face was the reason for the picture.

How would you tackle preserving this memory? My kid remembers the activity very well and if we mentioned it they would remember the person with positive memories as well. Of course if I did end up scrapping this photo the person's face would be blurred for any online postings but would you still print it out for a book?
 
I am struggling with an unwanted person too...my son and his gf of 2 years broke up and it wasn't pretty. Some pages are done but prom, some vacations, christmas etc...ugh!

If they have good memories you could print it...or you could print it with the person blurred out or covered with an element. I haven't scrapped the last memories with her bc I know it is painful for my kiddo but it sounds like your kiddo has positive memories and hopefully you can keep it that way for him.
 
I would not put the person in the pictures.

I had to deal with this for a year end video I was doing, I removed that person from all photos. Any good memories anyone had of this person were not trumped by the horrible thing he did and thus tainted all memories. Remove and forget that person.
 
I wouldn't include the person, either. My brother-in-law's wife left him a few years ago, and my kids were devastated. At first I felt like it wasn't authentic to leave her out of our album, but all her picture does is make us all feel sad. We had no closure with her, and I realized that seeing her in our memories taints them. So I just eliminated her from our albums. It's not that I want to act like all of our memories are happy, but why would I want to remember the ones that aren't?

In your situation, if you have pictures that the person isn't in, I would just use those, even if it means not using photos that are good.
 
Kimberly27 said:
I am struggling with an unwanted person too...my son and his gf of 2 years broke up and it wasn't pretty. Some pages are done but prom, some vacations, christmas etc...ugh!

If they have good memories you could print it...or you could print it with the person blurred out or covered with an element. I haven't scrapped the last memories with her bc I know it is painful for my kiddo but it sounds like your kiddo has positive memories and hopefully you can keep it that way for him.
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There are lot that I can cover the person up very easily but it's just that last photo that I'm struggling with. If it was a situation like yours, I think I could eventually scrap the photos as the hurt heals as I've done with our first dog who passed many years ago (took years to be able to scrap her photos) but this is just so different.
 
lovely1m said:
I would not put the person in the pictures.

I had to deal with this for a year end video I was doing, I removed that person from all photos. Any good memories anyone had of this person were not trumped by the horrible thing he did and thus tainted all memories. Remove and forget that person.
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Thank you for your thoughts! We've done our best to not mention the activity at all to our kid as we don't want to taint his memories but we just can't not think of it. I may just delete that photo, will have to check to see if it was posted on Facebook as well, definitely delete from there!
 
joelsgirl said:
In your situation, if you have pictures that the person isn't in, I would just use those, even if it means not using photos that are good.
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Luckily we have lots of good photos that don't have the person in them or ones where I can easily hide the face so that's no problem. Just that last good picture with my kid so happy kills me to get rid of.
 
I agree. Just delete the photo. In a few years, your kid won't remember the photo or notice it's absence.
 
helptheold said:
There are lot that I can cover the person up very easily but it's just that last photo that I'm struggling with. If it was a situation like yours, I think I could eventually scrap the photos as the hurt heals as I've done with our first dog who passed many years ago (took years to be able to scrap her photos) but this is just so different.
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If I may offer an alternative suggestion?

Since this person (a) did not engage in inappropriate behavior with your child, (b) was a positive force in your child's life, and (c) your child does not know about this person's bad actions ...

... why not take that one photograph you're wrestling with and create a layout for your child to read as an adult? Journal about your mixed feelings toward this person, how grateful you are that your child is safe, acknowledge whatever good they did, and be honest about their bad actions. This isn't something for your child to see now, but later. Can you imagine if they were ever in the position you're in now, with their own child, how comforting it would be to know they're not alone? To read your words and hear your voice and your feelings about the situation.

I'm struggling a lot these days with cancel culture and the idea of white-washing. There's only been one perfect man who walked the face of this earth. People can do great good, and then in the next breath, they can do something very, very wrong. They should be punished and our children should be protected, but when we delete the photos and the stories and try to erase them completely, we leave not only leave zero evidence of whatever good they did, we're also leaving no evidence of the bad and the lessons learned. I don't know if that makes any sense; I say this all with zero judgement - simply that this is a topic I'm wrestling with these days and I haven't come to any conclusion.

I will close by saying this: I am grateful I didn't delete or destroy any of the photos or scrapbooks I created about my first marriage. Twenty years after my divorce, not only am I able to look back on those photos with a sort of humorous nostalgia, but I'm able to share them with my stepdaughter and talk about the whole situation ... as she is now of an age, and in a relationship, where those lessons I learned the hard way can benefit her mightily.

Anyway, just something to consider. Praise God your child wasn't harmed by this person, and big hugs to you, Mom, as you try to to the right thing for them.
 
I agree with Angie.

I would use the picture - it is part of my son's story.... unless the act was against him or our family. I have a family member that hasn't been welcomed in the family for many years. - when I come up with old photos, I still scrap them. They are apart of our story at that moment in time.
 
That's a tricky one... If you have more photos of this activity, meaning photos where this person isn't in the photo... then I would only scrap the photos where the person isn't in them and not scrap the other ones.
That way, your kiddo still has a layout of this activity and you won't have to look at the other person their face.
 
I agree with Sarah, it's really difficult. I had a similar problem but unfortunately my kids were harmed so for sure this person doesn't exist anymore for us and I did a photoless layout about it.
Fortunately I didn't have much pics. So I would act like Sarah and choose others pics. But what Angie said is interesting too and could be a great alternative if you really want to have those pics in your album.
I admit this question is really difficult to answer as it depends of how you feel about that.:(
 
Right now your child has fond memories of this person; however, eventually your child will learn of this man's misdeeds, whether from you or from someone else (or the internet). So, while making a page that reflects ALL of your feelings about this man may help you work out your own thoughts, that page doesn't address your child and their own experience.

Your child will have their own feelings once they learn of this man's actions. They may rethink every encounter they ever had with this person. And they may have questions about how you acted, or didn't act, once you knew. I don't know the age of the child in question, so I'll just say that this conversation may happen in 10 years, or it may happen tomorrow. What do you want your child to think of your actions in response to this man? While canceling someone for a minor offense isn't appropriate, is it okay to accept someone who, it seems by your post, has committed a horrific act(s) that (again, based on your post) hurt some of our most vulnerable--our children? What ethical boundary do you want to model for your child?

So back to the photo: If you delete it, how will its absence affect your child? Once aware of his alleged crimes, will their memories of him change in ways similar to how yours changed? If they do change, will your child still want either the photo, or any scrapbook pages in which it's featured? Because there is a very big difference between cancel culture and an appropriate response to abhorrent, unethical, and harmful behavior. I wouldn't want my children around this person, which could be considered a type of shunning or "cancel culture" even though it's on a personal basis and not a "mob mentality" situation like cancel culture. I don't care: my duty is to my children, not to being polite. (Plus, I wouldn't say/post anything inflammatory about him, which is a big part of cancel culture.) I just wouldn't be around him and I'd tell my kids, in age-appropriate ways, what happened. But that's just me. Actions have consequences. If this person did what you're hinting, one very natural consequence is that the people who are in his orbit, however close or far away, possibly (almost assuredly) will remove themselves from his life and will remove evidence he was in theirs.
 
angiekey said:
If I may offer an alternative suggestion?

Since this person (a) did not engage in inappropriate behavior with your child, (b) was a positive force in your child's life, and (c) your child does not know about this person's bad actions ...

... why not take that one photograph you're wrestling with and create a layout for your child to read as an adult? Journal about your mixed feelings toward this person, how grateful you are that your child is safe, acknowledge whatever good they did, and be honest about their bad actions. This isn't something for your child to see now, but later. Can you imagine if they were ever in the position you're in now, with their own child, how comforting it would be to know they're not alone? To read your words and hear your voice and your feelings about the situation.

I'm struggling a lot these days with cancel culture and the idea of white-washing. There's only been one perfect man who walked the face of this earth. People can do great good, and then in the next breath, they can do something very, very wrong. They should be punished and our children should be protected, but when we delete the photos and the stories and try to erase them completely, we leave not only leave zero evidence of whatever good they did, we're also leaving no evidence of the bad and the lessons learned. I don't know if that makes any sense; I say this all with zero judgement - simply that this is a topic I'm wrestling with these days and I haven't come to any conclusion.

I will close by saying this: I am grateful I didn't delete or destroy any of the photos or scrapbooks I created about my first marriage. Twenty years after my divorce, not only am I able to look back on those photos with a sort of humorous nostalgia, but I'm able to share them with my stepdaughter and talk about the whole situation ... as she is now of an age, and in a relationship, where those lessons I learned the hard way can benefit her mightily.

Anyway, just something to consider. Praise God your child wasn't harmed by this person, and big hugs to you, Mom, as you try to to the right thing for them.
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I really, really love this idea as you've nailed how I feel about it. My kid didn't come to any harm but it breaks my heart to know that someone my kid looked up to and we trusted did something so horrible. But you're right that there are very few truly evil people and that someone can do something horrible but still do good things.

I think I'm going to scrap the photos without the person and put the photos with the person on the back burner for a few years. THANK YOU!!!
 
Some things are so horrible, which is what was implied here and what I implied in mine, that "canceling" someone is absolutely the right answer.
 
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