Personal update.... and vent.

lorigaud

lorigaud

Well-known member
So a while back I posted about hiring a lawyer and planning to ask my husband for a divorce. Even though I found a lawyer back in April, my plan was to wait until the school year was over and I could deal with things over the summer. I talked to my husband over Memorial Day weekend about not being happy, etc.... but didn't specifically use the "D" word. Obviously he got the message though, because in the time between then and the end of the school year a couple of weeks later, he met someone else. By the time school got out, I had already found out about this (let's just say I'm a good detective, and he left some fairly obvious clues). Anyway, I had the paperwork in order and ready to go, and a week ago Friday I told my husband that I want a divorce. He agreed, which I know was helped tremendously by the fact that he has this other woman in his life now. He is willing to work together with me in the best interest of the boys, who are 12, 14 and 16, and that is great. He is not interested in fighting me for custody, and I appreciate that. What I didn't appreciate is that 5 minutes after I told him that I want a divorce, he made the comment that he guessed a sleepover the next night at his new gf's place would be ok. Seriously?
Anyway, the next day was our son Noah's bday party, and after the party, off he went to stay over at her place and never came back until the next afternoon. Our youngest asked where dad was, and I lied for him... which pissed me off.
This weekend, same thing... only it was her birthday yesterday, so he never came home until after 6pm.
We went to counseling with our former marriage counselor last Thursday and she helped us with how to tell the boys, which we did on Friday. (He originally wanted to wait and tell them at the end of July after our oldest returns from a Boy Scout National Jamboree, but I did not want to wait that long.) At least this weekend when he left, they were able to understand that he was leaving so that we would not be here together at night (normally, he works nights, so the only time the sleeping arrangements are an issue is on the weekend).

So.... I'm feeling very conflicted right now. Honestly, I got what I wanted. I wanted him to find someone else, because I knew that it would make things easier for me. I'm reminded of the saying "Be careful what you wish for" though.... I am having a very hard time with his coming and going, knowing where he is. After being married for 18 years (today is our anniversary, actually.. ugh.) and together for 20, it's hard to deal with, even though our marriage has been over for a long time. I originally told him that it was fine for him to stay here at the house for the time being, since we rarely see each other anyway with opposite shifts. He is looking into housing options, but I don't know how long that is going to take. I don't know how long I can wait given the current situation. I don't even want to be in the same frigging room with him. I am determined to take the high road for the sake of my boys, but it is tough. I do not want this divorce to get ugly either, and will do my best to avoid that. I just have to keep telling myself that this will all be over soon, and the boys and I will be much happier.

It's hard to feel both bitter and happy at the same time.....

If you've read this far, thanks for hanging in there. :)
 
Oh, Lori. :( I am so so sorry. Big hugs to you. Hang in there! I can't personally relate, but I know from others that divorce is the hardest thing they ever went through.
 
*hugs* that's all I can say. Hang in there for your and your boys' happiness.
 
Lori, I think it's completely normal to feel the way you do. I think I would feel the same if I were in your situation. Just focus on yourself and the kiddos and the good times to come. (((HUGS)))
 
I divorced almost 10 years ago and even though I feel some of your pain, only you know how to handle your personal situation. Just know that taking the high road doesn't mean being taken advantage of. xoxo
 
I'm so sorry and I think what you are feeling is totally normal. Not that this helps, but I seriously doubt he found a girlfriend that quickly. He's probably had her around for awhile and decided this means she should be public. Taking the high road will be super hard but it really is the best thing for your boys.
 
Thank you all for your thoughts. Marla, you are correct about her having been in his life for longer, although it was as a friend. There may have been some interest there before, but after Memorial Day when we talked, apparently he gave himself the green light to pursue something more. I honestly believe that it's only been for a short time that they've been "dating." Not that it matters.... the only thing I can hope for now is that it lasts long enough for me to have a relatively peaceful divorce and then I can move on.

I know that the future ahead will definitely be brighter. I've always known that ours was more a marriage of convenience than anything else, sadly. I wanted kids. He wanted a place to live other than in his parents' house. I guess we both got what we wanted at the time. I love my kids more than anything, so I don't have any regrets. :)
 
((Hugs)). I hope he finds a new place to live soon so that this can at least be a little easier on you.
 
Ah, Lori. I feel like I've "known" you a long time, and I'm sorry you're going through this. Do what's best for you and your boys.
 
Even if you've been wanting it for ages, the reality of divorce can be so hard and confronting once it's finally happening . . big hugs to you Lori, and your boys. Surround yourself with love and support - you will get through this!! xx
 
Thanks again ladies. Today was a good day. I spent some time cleaning out part of the basement, and he came down and started packing up a bunch of his stuff (he's got A LOT). I also noticed upstairs that he has packed a bunch of his clothes. This honestly makes me happy. I don't want this whole moving out thing to take any longer than it needs to.

I have an appt. with my counselor tomorrow.... really looking forward to that. I see her every two weeks, and the last time I saw her was just before I told Arthur that I want a divorce. Lots to talk about! (Although I have spoken to her once on the phone, so she knows that he agreed.)

Got to the gym today, too... once this morning, and for Zumba this evening. I know I'm going to need to be consistent with that in order to keep my stress level in check. If there's one bright side, hopefully the Divorce Diet will work for me... since the stress of the last year or so has definitely taken a toll on my health and well being.
 
Divorce isn't easy, been there done that 10 years ago. I agree with taking the high road. I've never thrown him under the bus with the kids, even now but there have been times when I've been tempted. I'm glad that he is moving out, do whatever you can to help that along as it will help you to NOT be as (don't really want to use the word angry but there will be times it fits). The more emotional and physical distance between you will help you with objectivity and creating your new normal. I thought I hid my feelings from my kids who were younger than yours but apparently they picked up more than I thought they did. Happy mom = happy kids. The therapist I saw in preparation said the kids would take their mindset and attitude from me so I made sure they saw a good one. You'll get through this and be happier on the other side.
 
Having no experience with divorce, I have no advice or insight. I am glad that things seem to be going rather well for you despite the situation.
 
It's totally natural to go through a grieving process when you're in a situation where your marriage or long term relationship is ending, even if it's on your own terms. It's possible he jumped into a new relationship as a defense mechanism. Anyway, I hope everything goes smoothly. Good luck! {hugs}
 
staciahall said:
Divorce isn't easy, been there done that 10 years ago. I agree with taking the high road. I've never thrown him under the bus with the kids, even now but there have been times when I've been tempted. I'm glad that he is moving out, do whatever you can to help that along as it will help you to NOT be as (don't really want to use the word angry but there will be times it fits). The more emotional and physical distance between you will help you with objectivity and creating your new normal. I thought I hid my feelings from my kids who were younger than yours but apparently they picked up more than I thought they did. Happy mom = happy kids. The therapist I saw in preparation said the kids would take their mindset and attitude from me so I made sure they saw a good one. You'll get through this and be happier on the other side.
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I love this advice... will keep it in mind while dealing with all of this, since I definitely want the boys to maintain a relationship with their father. Honestly, he's not as involved with their lives now as I would like him to be, but I'm hoping that he'll do a better job once he is separated from them and has to really focus on the time they have together. We'll see.
 
I can't give you a whole lot of advice, as I'm in the midst of divorce as well, since mid-April.
It's was my choice. And is on my terms. But it's still tough. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made, but I can tell you that I am happier than I have been in a REALLY long time and somedays I'm mad, sad and hurt. It's going to be a long road, but I believe that it's whats right for us. If you ever want to chat or have someone to vent to feel free to FB message me. :)
 
Lori, it makes total sense to feel the way you are feeling. I would feel the same way. Even though I initiated my divorce, it still hurt that it was ending. Hugs!
 
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