Personal situation, wwyd?

L

Laura_A

New member
This is a bit on the personal side and might be a little long, so thanks in advance for sticking with it.

My husband and I were really close friends with a couple who live our of state. They were like family...we've flown to visit them, they've flown to visit us. We were very close...texts and phone calls almost daily, until June when we had a 'falling out'. It's been really hard for me because I felt like she and I were like sisters and I'm good friends with him too. However, she blames me completely for what happened which I feel is unfair because all 4 of us had a part to play. I've owned my part in the situation and apologized but she doesn't want any contact with me. Some things have come to light that makes me question if she was ever really my friend to begin with, which is painful enough. Normally, I would just try to move on and call it a lesson learned. The problem for me is, she still stays in contact with my husband. Not as much as before, but contact none-the-less. It hurts me deeply that 1) she would be so insensitive...like she's rubbing it in my face, because she knows he will tell me when he hears from her, and 2) it feels like my husband doesn't have my back. He's not doing or saying anything against me, but he's too nice to tell her to back off, that we're a team and you either take both or neither. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings. So it makes me wonder...am I being unreasonable? Should I just resign myself to the fact that I've lost a friend but he hasn't? It just makes it difficult to let it go and put it behind me when she's still a part of my life in a round about way.

Anyway, thanks for listening if you've made it this far. lol I guess I just needed to get it out and maybe someone can see it differently than I am? :o
 
Boy that is a tough one. Maybe your hubby could tell her it really hurts your feelings that she is willing to communicate with him and not you and that he doesn't want to see you hurt anymore.
 
Wow that sucks. Right or wrong it would bother me if my husband remained friends with a women who he knew did not like me. I know you can't tell him who to be friends with, but maybe you can make him understand that it hurts you and ask that he end the friendship. If you don't I think it will continue to fester. Since there appears to be no saving that friendship, I think your husband should cut ties too and you should both move on as an united team.

Now having said all that, please remember I have very little experience with marriage, my hubby dying so young and all, so I may not be giving you the best advice.
 
I would be livid if P was in that situation and didn't tell her to take a hike. Personally, I won't be friends with anyone that would treat my husband that way and he wouldn't either.
 
Ive been in the similar situation where one of my girlfriends hated my husband because of some stuff him and his brother did when they were younger (more his brother then my husband). Well I was good friends with her before meeting my husband and I was not going to not talk to her just because my husband and her did not get along. When we did see her my husband was always cordial and so was she but I knew the reason why she didnt like him. So I guess my opinion is all of your friends do not really have to be mutual friends IMO
 
In that situation I know I'd *want* my DH to cut all ties, too, but I wouldn't make him give up the friend. I'd tell him how I felt and then ask that if he chose to stay friends with her he didn't talk to me about her or tell me when she called.
 
Ok, so here's my thoughts... I'd definitely have a problem with it. In my mind, that friendship was a mutual one for you two, as a couple. What purpose does it serve for your husband to have a close friend who is a woman who lives long-distance (who doesn't like you!)? In my mind, it goes there... I would worry and I would probably be upset, too. Would you want him sending her cards for Christmas? Calling when he's upset about something or to chat about his favorite pizza toppings? Planning to meet up when it's been awhile since ? I guess my question would be: what is the purpose of this friendship when it doesn't include you?

Your husband obviously doesn't want to upset her. He seems like a nice guy... maybe too nice? LOL! She is a friend, or at least was, and that might make it hard for him to just cut her off when she is being friendly to him. I would call her yourself and tell her that if she can't be your friend she needs to back off from both of you. You're a package deal. I think her befriending your DH independent of you is wrong and it's clear she is trying to be hurtful towards you. Then, I'd tell your DH that you called her and would ask that he respect your feelings in this situation. If he wants to be friends with them again, the relationship with you & her needs to be healed. :)
 
ouch I have lived that one, with one exception. MY hubs told the woman (and couple) if you have an issue with my wife, then you have the same one with me. We can clear the air and move on, but you can not continue to shun my wife and then be all buddy buddy with me. We are one, united.
Sadly, the friendship ended. I miss them so much. It has been over 15 years, I see them in the store and we are polite. But these were friends we had so many memories, now that we are all older, it would be fun to sit around and laugh about them as we made new.
Hugs to you, cause this is a pain that hurts so deep. Hug your hubs, and tell him you need him to stand with and for his lady! ♥
 
Tough one. I think you should stress to your husband how this hurts your feelings, give him an example of a man calling and texting you. You'll be leading him to the water yet not actually telling him to drink it.
 
Traci Reed said:
I would be livid if P was in that situation and didn't tell her to take a hike. Personally, I won't be friends with anyone that would treat my husband that way and he wouldn't either.
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this!

Does your DH or you still talk to this lady's DH? Not that it matters... but I can kind of see it the hubs keep in touch... but it doesn't make sense as to why the wife would call your hubby to talk... that seems fishy. Like what is this ladies problem? I think in my own relationships with friends (only have one couple that we are close with)... but if I had a falling out with Anne, I wouldn't think of going to call up Chris and chit chat with him... is she doing it to continue to punish you for what has happened? Well, if she isn't going to get over it and move on to build the relationship... then hubby needs to stop answering her calls...
 
First of all, BTDT. A friend of mine whom I have known since I was 15 years old 'broke up' with me this past fall because I jokingly told her on Facebook that I hated her after a smartalecky remark she made. She evidently has a 'no tolerance policy' abt people who use the word 'hate' in reference to her?! I explained, apologized, and asked for her forgiveness. Nope. Despite that being the only misunderstanding we've ever had in our friendship, that was that. She had unfriended me on FB and Twitter within the hour, and I haven't heard from her since.

I was blindsided and really hurt.

If she ever attempted to contact Hubs after what happened between us and he responded to her, he and I would be having a loooooooong Come to Jesus discussion. This would be unacceptable behavior to me, and he would know it.

What purpose can this friend of yours possibly have in contacting your DH? She either wants to hurt you OR flirt with a man she is attracted to plus hurt you.

I will give your DH the benefit of the doubt that he wants to be nice, doesn't understand her agenda, etc. but you need to explain to him that he shouldn't be protecting HER feelings, but YOURS, that him 'being nice' to her is NOT 'being nice' to you.
 
I wouldn't be okay with it. I'd tell hubby that I was very hurt by it, and I would definitely expect the friendship to end. I agree with some others also that it seems inappropriate, and like she is trying to hurt you.
 
Traci Reed said:
I would be livid if P was in that situation and didn't tell her to take a hike. Personally, I won't be friends with anyone that would treat my husband that way and he wouldn't either.
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Absolutely, 100% this. My DH would have my back and I would have his without question. No friendship is worth jeopardizing my relationship with my best friend - my spouse.

I also agree with Brook, my mind would go there... I would question her motives for remaining friends with my DH and not me, regardless of what happened to end our friendship. Men are painfully clueless sometimes, so I'm sure he's just trying to be nice, but his niceness to her is hurting you and well, that's not so nice.

I hope you can get this resolved and move on. :hugs:
 
It's 100% not ok. Your husband should back you up no matter what. If he knows that him talking to her hurts you he should not want to do that. Seems like a little talk is needed to clear the air!
 
I guess if I were in your situation, I'd probably tell my husband that it's nice he's trying not to hurt her feelings, but in doing so, he's really hurting yours. Do you feel like the relationship with this lady will ever be salvaged? I know you said you've tried to make amends, but she's not open to it yet. What about her husband? Is he friendly with you or your husband?
 
Her husband is still friendly with us both, but we don't hear from him often. I know my hubby is a bit clueless and wouldn't guess that she might be trying to hurt me through him...yes, he is TOO nice sometimes. I'm confident enough in our relationship and trust him completely, so I don't feel threatened, even if she was trying to flirt with him. I'd just like to know that my hubby would choose my feelings over hers if he were asked to choose. In my heart, I know he would. There's probably a part of me that wants to salvage my friendship with her and that's probably why I haven't asked him to cut ties...BUT, if she thinks this is a game and she's doing it to hurt me, what kind of friendship was there to begin with?? Sigh :unsure:
 
I didn't read any replies, but I don't feel this is a tough situation at all. You are a unit, if she doesn't want to talk to you, she doesn't get to talk to him either and he needs to tell her that. Its like she's trying to hurt you by doing that. Unacceptable.
 
I find it inappropriate that she only wants contact with your hubby. I think if she isn't willing to have contact with you, she shouldn't have contact with your hubby. You two are a couple and it she needs to respect that.
 
wow... yea sorry my hubby would hear it if he ever did something like that, but I know from experience he would tell her off .... tell your hubby to man up and have your back! :)
 
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