Over-indulgent MIL...what would you do?

amystoffel

amystoffel

New member
First let me just say...I know that Grandmas are supposed to spoil their grandchildren. But there has to be a line.

We are not a family that has money, and honesetly, my DH and I make more than she does. She struggles with money all the time. Far be it for me to tell her how to spend her savings account, but here is the items she has bought for my 2 children...so far:

They each have their own tree decorated with toys. Hotwheels I think. She bought Kota the baby Triceratops, he's over $300:blink:. Biscuit, he's over $300:blink:. A leapfrog computer with 5 games. An Elmo that blows kisses. 2 drum sets. 2 guitars. Go Diego dinosaur rescue. A race track. Cars bedding for each of them. And who knows what else? I'm sure there will be more.

Personally I think they could share the dang dinosaur thing or the dog toy....does anyone else think this is ridiculous? What would you do, or do I leave it alone?
 
Man, what would it be like to have a MIL like that? My MIL buys my kids a shirt and a book. That's it. LOL
 
My parents used to go nuts with my kids too but it has settles down a bit since she died (5 years ago)...My Dad still spoils them a bit but not as bad as before....I think it is a bit much but if it makes her feel good then let her do it!!!
 
wow. that's a lot! i want that Kota dinosaur for Aidan, but i'm not about to drop $300 on it, lol. if that's what she wants to do, i think its nice. but, yah, i also agree that its ALOT.
 
Maybe next year, you could suggest a spending limit for each child. Say something like, "We're trying to teach our kids about the true spirit of Christmas, so we feel that it would be best if we tried to limit how many presents they got." I'm sure you could come up with something better than that. Or maybe suggest that next year all gifts should be homemade. Or ask that her money be put toward a family trip (with Grandma included) so you could make memories together.
 
Yes, its overboard. WAY overboard, imo. But its such a touchy subject, especially since she's your MIL rather than your mother. If your DH wants to say something to her, let him. Otherwise, I would simply bite my tongue and just deal with it.

Oh, and another thought.... what if you say something to her like, "We appreciate how much you like to give the boys for holidays and they love everything you give them. But perhaps you could take 1/2 that money and give it to them in a savings bond for their future?"

The truth is, the kids will never notice that they're getting less presents from grandma (especially since they're so young) and if she gives them bonds, its such an amazing investment. My oldest DS (almost 7) already has almost $4000 in savings bonds! Imagine how much they'll be worth when he's ready to go to college!!!
 
Before I can answer...

(a) How often do you see Grandma? Daily/weekly or is it more once every 6 mos/yr?

(b) Are there other grandchildren? Are they treated the same way? Is she materialistic in general: has nice clothes, nice car, nice house OR is giving gifts the only thing she overindulges and she does NOT have nice clothes, nice car, nice house?

(c) Will any of these toys stay at Grandma's house once Christmas is over?
 
My mama always bought wayyyyy too much, but she calmed down alot when I told her that I just didn't have room for all the stuff she got my 3 kids and that only 2 toys each kid could come home with them. The rest has to stay at her house!!! :thumbup: Now she's much more reasonable with the amount she gets them because she doesn't want all that stuff at her house either.
 
Oh, I maybe bit just a tiny bit jealous she does something for your kids, my Inlaws don't get my girls the smallest of gifts or even a card. They don't even do a tree. We stopped going there at Christmas, it's just too depressing.
 
LeeAndra said:
Before I can answer...

(a) How often do you see Grandma? Daily/weekly or is it more once every 6 mos/yr?

(b) Are there other grandchildren? Are they treated the same way? Is she materialistic in general: has nice clothes, nice car, nice house OR is giving gifts the only thing she overindulges and she does NOT have nice clothes, nice car, nice house?

(c) Will any of these toys stay at Grandma's house once Christmas is over?
Click to expand...

She lives next door! They see her everyday. She has her own stash of toys that are at her house. And she is soooooooo not materialistic. I don't even think she has bought herself anything new in years.

She has another grand-daughter, my DH's daughter. But it's a long story and needless to say we havent seen her in three years.

I think I am bothered because I really dont want Christmas to be all about toys and getting spoiled.

But she does over-indulge everyone.
 
amystoffel said:
But it's tooooooooo much. I'd be happy with a shirt and a book!!!!
Click to expand...

I agree it is too much. I would talk to her and explain that if she keeps buying your kids that much stuff, they will come to expect it and they will. My grandma was like that while my grandfather worked, but when he retired and they were on fixed income, she couldn't afford it anymore. But, once kids get used to it, they expect it.
 
amystoffel said:
She lives next door! They see her everyday. She has her own stash of toys that are at her house. And she is soooooooo not materialistic. I don't even think she has bought herself anything new in years.

She has another grand-daughter, my DH's daughter. But it's a long story and needless to say we havent seen her in three years.

I think I am bothered because I really dont want Christmas to be all about toys and getting spoiled.

But she does over-indulge everyone.
Click to expand...

Think of it this way.... Some people show their love with words. Some people show their love with touch (hugs, etc), and some people show their love with things. It sounds like your MIL's "love language" is gifts. Its the same with my in-laws and I know it can be hard to deal with. But perhaps its the only way she knows how to show love.

Its a tough situation. Good luck hon.
 
if it's bothering you, i would maybe mention it like jenny said. a saving bond will be much more useful to you, DH and your children in the long run. that way she can feel like she can still enjoy and buy for them at christmas but also feel good knowing her money will help them with college or a car in the future. it is a delicate situation, you don't want to hurt her feelings but it really is TOO much and you being the mom know that its too much spent for little boys who will forget about it in 6 months. hugs, amy...this is tough.
 
Amy, I agree with Jenny and Lizzy. It's too late for this year but maybe next year you can either suggest a spending limit or ask that instead of buying so much stuff she add $ to the kiddos saving account. You could make it a really big deal...go to the bank together and then lunch, have them keep a register of deposits, etc.
 
Maybe give her a list of preaporoved toys so that you have some say in all the crap that gets put at your house? I honestly wouldn't stifle it, it's not my business to tell her how to do Christmas for her grand kids....just make her keep the big ones at her house
 
Now that I have more info, I'm going to go with the 'gifts' love language theory (unless the long story could somehow tie in as she's overcompensating the gkids she DOES see b/c of the one she does not) like Jenny suggested.

My mom is the same way. A gift, to her, is not just an object, but an object that is tied up in the amount of energy she put into thinking up said object + the amount of time she put into acquiring the object + the amount of money she spent on the object. It is a symbol of her love. My mom is not particularly affectionate and only says 'I love you' in email or sometimes at the end of a phone call, so I've learned to 'hear' what she is saying when she buys me something for Christmas or my birthday.

I would broach the subject with her nicely, just letting her know that you know she loves through gifts so she gives your kids lots of gifts because she loves them lots, but you are running out of space/feel it is too much/want the season to be abt something less materialistic & see what she says. She might have never thought of gifts = I love you before. See if she'd be willing to 'spread the love' to other less fortunate kids & have your kids help hand out the presents or spread out presents throughout the year for your kids rather than a huge amount at Christmas.
 
My own mother tends to be this way. Last year there was so much for L.J. and my 2 nephews that they didn't even realize what they got. I think she noticed and has calmed it down this year. My DH always threatens her that he's going to walk in Christmas day with a box that says "To Be Returned" on it.

Luckily they get along really well.
 
My parents had this problem, mostly because they were so delighted to at long last have grandchildren that felt the need to indulge in their long pent up grandparent feelings. OMG! The stuff my kids got from them!

2 years ago I finally told them it had to be scaled back because there was just too much stuff. I had no place to put it all & was giving half of it away within a few months of the boys receiving it. I gave her a list of things the boys would like in avariety of price ranges & asked her to stick it and they have been very good about it the past 2 years
 
my mum used to be like that and it used to drive me insane. Now that she doesn't speak to me she doesn't bother with Lukas either so I don't have to think about it. You could make alternative suggestions next year but if she wants to buy crap she's probably going to anyway sorry. Hugs Crystal xx
 
my parents would so be this way with my son but i always beat them too the punch and get it for him...my son is the only grandchild and they do way too much for him but they were like that with me and my sister...

i would be concerned if she is going into debt to buy them the gifts...that would be a deal breaker...
 
I agree it does seem like a bit much, but grandma just loves Christmas. My own mother is the same way, she still gives us all stockings and christmas p.j.s and I am 33!!! I told her not to get too much for Kylie this year, but already, she has more for her than I do!! But, I don't want to spoil her fun, so I am not going to say anything, besides, I know next year we won't be as close at Christmas, due to my husband being in the military, so I will let my mom spoil my daughter while she can, :)
 
A couple years ago my mom bought my kids a bunch of stuff off of ebay for Christmas. It was HUGE, and a bit overwhelming but we really didn't have the cashflow that year, so it was a help ... they were little enough that it distracted them from Santa's small pile. Last year was toned back, and I was glad. I don't think they overdid it, but when my mom asked me for suggestions of what to get the kids, I made a point of saying I'd prefer the kids get a few bigger things rather than several smaller things. There are a few reasons for this ... some "good" reasons, and some selfish reasons.

1. We don't have room for a ton of stuff and they get gifts from several people at Christmas.
2. They are horrible about picking up no matter how much I keep on them to clean up, and mom gets sick of the mess. (that's the selfish bit)
3. They don't need to expect tons of gifts, and they need to learn to appreciate what they have.
4. I don't want Grandma and Papa to be giving them more gifts than Santa does ... they will eventually figure it out and question it. (that's the selfish bit)

If she were my mother, I'd be saying something to her about it BEFORE Christmas. But, if it were my MIL it'd be a touchier subject and I'd have to see how DH felt about it and probably have him deal with it.

But yeah ... if it bothers you, I'd at least put the nix on it for next year.

HUGS,
Melinda
 
I say leave it go. if you say anything or make suggestions about future Christmas gifts and amounts, you'll just stir up trouble. and an angry MIL is so not a good thing!!!
 
my MIL doesn't do anything for our daughter...but for DH's brother she does everything and the child isn't even born yet *grumbles*
 
Do we have the same MIL?!?! We tried to make some limitations a few years ago, but it created so much stress and tension between all of us that we finally just let it go. We do ask that she let "Santa" bring some of the big-ticket items so that Grandma isn't overshadowing him and we have the kids spend the weekend after Thanksgiving cleaning out the playroom and packing up toys to donate to Goodwill so that we have room for all the new toys coming in.
 
My MIL is over-indulgent as well...I just never know what to say...so I say nothing.
I told my hubby it is his job...but he tends to also say nothing-I just roll with the flow and try to be grateful.
 
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