Open Letter: Incapable People

LeeAndra

LeeAndra

Sweet Shoppe SugarBabe
Feel free to chime in. :)

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Dear New Insurance Lady,

While I appreciate the fact that the quote you've given me is $50 less a month than my current car insurance, I can't quite understand how or why it takes you 3 separate apologetic comma splice-happy emails to send me 2 attachments. In fact, it's a little silly to send me the second form at all since Jeff is the one who needs to sign it and you have his email address.

Then again, you are saving me $50 a month, so maybe I will just let Jeff handle working with you and your haphazard technologically impaired self in the future.

Fondly,
me
 
Dear current daycare provider -
Seeing as how you are the only daycare my children know, and seeing as how I picked my daughter's new elementary school based on where you lived, could you POSSIBLY have maybe warned me that you were looking for a job? Seriously?

Me.
 
Dear very old and probably senile mailman,
I regret to inform you that you are not, in fact, 5-years-old, and thus, you do not need to ring my doorbell 3 times when you deliver a package.

My children nap during the time that you come and, so help me, I will throw the mail back at you, corners pointed toward your eyes, if you wake them up. Do you have ANY idea what a 3-year-old boy is like when he hasn't napped?!?!!? DO YOU!?!?!!????!!!!!!!!!!

*throws mail anyways*
 
Dear Stupid customers:
Just because we changed the look of the website, doesn't mean that any of the features have been removed or changed. Get used to the new colors because they are not changing until we decide to do another redesign, a long time from now!

From:
Our whole development team


On a side note: Robin - You will not hear any complaints from me when the new SSD launches - I know all to well how it feels to put so much hard work into it to only have a whole bunch of people complain over the little things!
 
AnnieBananie said:
Dear very old and probably senile mailman,
I regret to inform you that you are not, in fact, 5-years-old, and thus, you do not need to ring my doorbell 3 times when you deliver a package.

My children nap during the time that you come and, so help me, I will throw the mail back at you, corners pointed toward your eyes, if you wake them up. Do you have ANY idea what a 3-year-old boy is like when he hasn't napped?!?!!? DO YOU!?!?!!????!!!!!!!!!!

*throws mail anyways*
Click to expand...


Annie,
As aggrevating as it may be, he's actually SUPPOSED to do this,lol (perhaps not quite so many times, hehe). Tho I can see how the timing is bad,lol.

edit:
Ok, you've told him twice to not do it,lol. Stomp away, gf,lol.
 
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Dear Neighbors Dog:
Please come home. I let you out yesterday morning at 10 am and thought it would be a treat to allow you to run around for a while before I tied you up for the afternoon. You never came back, and your owner is a little bit worried about you. I've called and called your name, the same way I've called you all the other times you've taken off, and you've always come back. I'm afraid that if you're not back by the time your owner is back tonight, I'm going to lose a very good friend.

Bree :)

PS. I think Kitty misses you, too.
 
OK I have one...

Dear teenagers in my neighborhood,

Stop sitting in the middle of our street. The roads are made for cars. At night we cannot see you. If you must lay in the street dont get p*ssed because you almost get ran over because we cannot see you. You have your own homes if you want to hang out do it in your home or in your yards.

To the same teenagers:
STOP IT WITH THE DIRTBIKES, FOUR_WHEELERS AND GO-KARTS!!! Again the roads are made for cars. We are tired of being on the road and having one of you idiotic people ride out in front of us because you do not think that you have to obey traffic signs. Your vehicles do not belong on the road as they are not street legal. Youve been told this by the police and you still persist in riding them. Also just because we have a large open yard with trails does not mean it is free reign for you to ride. It is private property and I do not understand why you have to be told 20 times to stay out of our yard before you will stay out of our yard.

Signed,
Your frustrated neighbor

(ETA:we have no street lights on my street as I live out in the country and these kids do this at dusk/dark with no lights on their bikes/fourwheelers/go-karts)
 
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Dear Germs:

I've had enough of you taking up residence in my home and infecting my two year with your nasties, only to have her share them with me so that I feel like death and can't accomplish anything so all we are good for is cuddling each other in a wallowing pile of germiness.

Signed,
Your host who'd rather you pick a different one

Addendum letter....

Dear my inner educated, grammar stickler:

Can you do something about these run-on sentences lately?

Thanks,
Me
 
Okay not incapable... but just creepy...

Dear weirdo/tenant:
When I am out watering the plants, do not stand outside and pace back and forth WATCHING me. :blink: When I'm out on the street picking up trash, do not come to the curb and stand there watching me. If you have somehting to say to me then SAY IT. You creep the crap out of me. I am so glad you are moving out in December.
Signed,
Your landlord :glare:
 
Dear weirdo stuck up Moms who happen to have no style and no reason to be stuck up,

Why are you so stuck up? Do you even know you are? When another friendly Mom goes to a Halloween party to drop off their child and they give you a friendly smile, you should probably reciprocate. Unless of course you have been clinically diagnosed with Social Retardation. In that case, I blame your parents.

Love,
The way cooler Mom who happens to also be friendly and have social skills

P.S. I meant when I said I was way cooler than you and probably shouldn't have used the salutation "Love", I meant to use "Regards- with a pissy look on my face".
 
Dear meddling MIL,

I am well aware that you live next door to me. I am well aware that you can hear almost every conversation that happens through our walls since they are thin mobile home walls. However, is it possible that maybe you could try knocking when you want to come over everyday for some random and odd reason, and try NOT to comment on our arguments and conversations.

Perhaps we won't be nude next time.

Sincerely, me

Oh yes, people...on more than one occassion.
 
Dear Children Who Are Incaplable of Listening to Me,

I DO NOT KNOW WHEN THE TRICK OR TREATERS ARE COMING. PLEASE STOP ASKING ME. Also please do not provide me with a nonstop commentary of every person walking down our street.

Love,
Your mother who has a headache now
 
Just one more:

To my daughter:

I love you dearly but you have a cell phone, your friends all have cell phones and there is a phone at your job. So why is it that you cannot call me and tell me you no longer need a ride to work or at the very least send a text message? You have no problem returning your friends calls. I am really frustrated wth you right now because your dad went all the way out of his way to pick you up and you were nowhere to be found and nobody knew where you were.

Love,
Your frustrated mother
 
Dear Job,
I hate you. You suck.
Signed,
Stressed out associate

********************************

Dear Five Orphaned Kittens,
Poop in the litter box. Not on the carpet, not behind the couch and not on my bed. Poo and pee go in the funny box. Ok? I know you're a baby but really...it's time to learn.

Signed,
Your loving mama
 
Dear Fellow Church Members,

I love you all, but please use the church directory responsibly. I do not want to sell Melaluca. Nothing is every done via 'internet petition', so I don't sign them. I do not buy into conspiracy theories. No, I do not want to sell Melaluca. Those 50 photos of your child - it should have gone to his grandparents, one will do for me. Check snopes.com before you forward emails about brain-eating spiders. Did I mention I don't want to sell Melaluca, 'cause I tried to say it nicely the first THREE TIMES you asked me. Thanks so much!

Your sister in Christ,
Misty
 
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Dear critter,

I know you're up there. I can hear you having track and field events up there either on my roof or in my attic. Would you please just scamper away with all your little critter friends so we don't have to erradicate you? I'm really looking out for your best interest. Please don't use my house to procreate. The thought of little baby critters makes me woozy. Just find a new home.

Peace,
Kelli
 
Dear Sleep,

Please stop leaving me at 2am every morning and then returning 2 hours later (or whenever you feel like it). You're making it very hard for me to function properly and it's making me a little bit cranky. I'd appreciate it if you'd be a little more sensitive to the fact that I'm nearly 8 months pregnant and need all the sleep I can get.

Thank you and sweet dreams (please),
Laurie
 
Dear hot guy driving next to me on the way home today,

You are hot. I think I love you. Will you marry me?

Yours Forever and Ever,
The chick staring at you from her minivan

P.S. Ignore the ring on my righthand. Its not what you think.

P.P.S. Ok, yes it is. I'm married. But we can work through this, can't we?!??!
 
Dear Ex-Husband,

You started this court debacle .... the least you could do is supply YOUR LAWYER with the proper paperwork and documentation and return their phone calls!!!! No, I will not settle. Yes, I do want to go in front of the judge to have this taken care of. Please just get a job already and STOP WHINING about having to take care of your kids. If you don't want to then sign over your rights - fine by me!!! OH - and Stop telling my kids I am fat, I know I am, but I was always this way .... nothing new.

From,
Your Fed Up Ex-Wife
 
Dear small child attached to my breast,
Could you puh-lease open your mouth BEFORE you pull off? Your sharp teeth are leaving small tears in the nipples, and if you're not careful, there will be no nip left for you to suck on.
Love,
The Giver of Life
PS If you leave chip crumbs in my Coke again, I will cut you off.
 
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