ok my dearies I need some input/advice/something or other..

lauren grier

lauren grier

you're like stars
The time has come... that we need to face this whole mom and dad may start dating other people issue. We've been separated for uh.... what is it.. 17? months.. a long while now. Ce has had issues with women in his dads life.. they all seem to want to be the kids mom and he's super sensitive to these things and doesn't take too kindly to it (duh). I've maintained that unless I'm like planning on getting hitched, ce will not know that a man exists in my life. period. I'm just not cool with ce growing up learning that no one sticks around, and rotating people through his life etc etc- he's already dealt with enough with his dad leaving. Obviously his dad and I disagree on this point. Anywayyyyyyyyyyyyy... So Apparently his dad is now dating his (Female) roomate. Connor told me tonight, and to say he's peeved is an understatement. He's obviously confused and angry about the whole situation. He doesn't want "mommy and daddy back together" but he's not comfortable with his dad having another woman around. He doesn't get a lot of time/attention/whatever from his dad so I know in his mind this is cutting even more out (Well it's not in his mind his dad didn't take him overnight this week because he had to have a date on the day he took ce instead of on another day).
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to tell ce to make him feel better? Is there even anything to say?? I mean I assured him that no matter what, I was the only one who would ever be his mom, that he was everything to me, that no one would take him away from me etc etc and that it's his dads life and his dad can do whatever he wants. It's def only an issue on THAT end- because ce said he wants me to have a boyfriend so he can have two dads :p I told him he'd only ever have one dad :p .. to keep it fair you know lol.. don't need to be sending mixed signals there..
but ..
blah..
I dunno?
How do I deal with this? I can't very well tell his dad not to have whatever chick he's seeing parading around ce- btdt it doesn't go well.. so I just need to focus on the ce end.
 
I wish I had some good suggestions for you La, but good luck. If Ce's dad isn't willing to put him first their isn't a whole lot you can do. It sounds like you've talked to him and pretty much told him what you could. Pretty crappy of T to have a date with someone he lives with instead of taking Ce though.
 
yeh well.. he's not exactly the greatest guy ever ^_^ .. Ce has just been dealing with so much crap in his head, I just wish I could press a button and help him understand everything.
 
That would be hard at his age, I can't imagine being that age and having to try and figure out what is going on. With as much as you talk to Ce though, I know you're doing everything you can for him. ((hugs)) La
 
All I can say is that time will tell La. My nephew has gone through a similar situation and he has made the decision on his own that his Dad is a piece of crap. Kids aren't dumb, they figure out who's a good guy and who's not on their own at such a young age *unfortunately.* Could you maybe mention to him that ce's shown some concern about it? Not say that the chick can't be around but that ce really would like to spend some time with his Dad...without anyone else around?
 
not really sure what to tell you...I would just keep reassuring him how much you love him and that his dad does too. If you can be friendly with the women who he dates to show Ce that they are ok and he can like them that might help too but if they arent around long I can defenitely see how that would be confusing.
 
Sounds like you are saying all the right things....keeping it honest and simple.
Some things they simply have to work through in their own head and in their own time (it just kills us as moms to not be able to give them the perfect answer and 'make it right').The fact that he keeps talking to you though tells me you are doing an awesome job.
 
i wish i had good wisdom on this one..... :(

my parents divorced when i was 5 and my dad soon after was living w/ his gf... i honestly don't remember there ever being any issues since we are SO close now, but my dad said i was REALLY mean to my step-mom at first....

so i think you are saying the right things and part of it Ce is just gonna have to kinda sort through himself......

i SO agree w/ you about it not being right to bring guys/chicks in and out of his life..... i mean if the person is staying around forever, that's one thing, but yeah not such a great message for it to be changing up all the time....

oxoxooxoxo
 
La...I don't know you very well...I know you from here and your pages and threads, etc.

But I can tell you what I do know...you sound like a terrific Mother! Every single one of your comments and LO's always, always, always have Conner's best interest at heart, your love for him just shines through your work and I think that it is so great that you are most concerned with what he is feeling.
The minute we stop worrying about our kids, we might has well just stay in bed.

I have never experienced anything like you and Ce have.

I think that you are doing the best job that you can possibly do as his Mother.
As for his Dad, I have no idea what to tell you.

Have you {maybe??} considered taking him to see a counsler/child-physcologist?
Just someone that he can talk to, someone that is neutral, someone that he can say whatever he wants to without worrying about hurting someone's feelings? Might help sort out some of those feelings that he has?

I really don't know. I'm just throwing ideas out there.
 
*hugs* No advise whatsoever, but lots of hugs for you and Ce! Even at his age he knows he can come and talk to you about anything, and I think that is SO SO SO important!! Especially with everything else that comes with divorced parents and such.
 
I think you are doing well thus far, La. Although I doubt talking with your ex will do much good, you might as well try and let him know what Ce has told you in hopes that maybe bits 'n' pieces will stick with him.

All I can do is share with you my personal experience.

DH and I met abt 1 year after he and his ex separated and although he dated 2-3 women in between these two times, I was the only woman he introduced to his son. It was 'right.' As far as we know, the same situation happened to his ex when she met her now DH abt 6 months later. Both DH and his ex are super involved strong personality parents, so there was never a question as to who would continue the discipline, routines, etc. It helped that I lived 2 1/2 hours away at first so that T. could adjust to the idea of sharing the limited time he has with his dad with me as well. They mutually agreed to no sleepovers and making sure T. called his SF and me by first name (though I heard while I was away last weekend that there were discussions abt calling SF 'Big Daddy' and me 'Mama Lee?!'), and it's really been a smooth transition all things considered. He is a very affectionate boy, in general, and feels like we're all one big family, his siblings-to-be (his mom is due in Feb) included.
 
All I know is that I think the way you are handling it is PERFECT. :) The only suggestion I have is to maybe pick up a few library books on the subject - for you and for him. At this point - there is only so much you can say and do since Ce's dad isn't in the same mindset.

I have a GF who was a single mom. She did the exact same thing as you - did not introduce her DD until it was a pretty sure bet. The transition went well. She'll be getting married in October. :)
 
well, I've been there you know and it is definately tricky. My ex was living with his pregnant girlfriend so there was no hiding that from Jacob when he was little. It was certainly confusing and when he told me that she wanted him to call him mom, I wasn't thrilled especially since she wasn't married to my ex.

As for me... i decided right off that I wasn't going to date any man that I didn't see a marriage future with. So I knew I wouldn't be parading man after man through my life... and through Jacob's life. Jacob was the most important piece of my life, so I did not feel I could seriously date anyone if I wasn't introducing them to each other. Plus I didn't want Jacob to feel I was "sneaking around" or hiding stuff or doing something wrong. When I started dating Tom, most of my dates were just me and Tom and then we started having activities with Jacob too. Zoo trips, dinners, picnics, etc. Then once Tom and I were engaged, him and Jacob had some 'man time' like hikes with just the two of them. It was the perfect way for us. :) And once we had been married about 2 months, Jacob asked if he could call Tom 'dad'. Tom was able to adopt Jacob about a year later too. That was 10 years ago and they are still best of friends. :)

I'll be thinking of you and you are incredible for taking this stuff seriously as it really does effect the kiddos. ((hugs))
 
When Stephanie mentioned library books, I thought maybe that was how I could respond. Here are some titles that you might want to look for at your library.

What In The World Do You Do When Your Parents Divorce? A Survival Guide For Kids by Kent Winchester J.D. and Roberta Beyer J.D.

There is a chapter about handling the issues associated with dating after divorce (i.e., why do they have to date? what if I don't like the person?, etc.)

Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown

Marc Brown writes the Arthur series so it may be comforting to hear about divorce from what look like familiar characters. It doesn't talk about dating issues but does address stepparents. This book is also nice because it defines divorce words at a kid level.

For you (not a children's book):

Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman

Sending positive thoughts.
 
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