Making Friends as a Grown Up is Hard

joelsgirl

joelsgirl

Well-known member
I hate it. We've been here a year, and I have "friends", but I'm never very sure where I stand with them. When we hang out, it's lots of fun, and I go home feeling so blessed to have good friends.

But sometimes it feels like we'd never get together if I didn't initiate it, which leaves me wondering if they really like me or if they just endure me. I feel like a tag a long friend, like I'm always a second thought. "Oh I guess we should probably invite the Turners, too." Like I'm not a real friend, just someone that people invite if they happen to think about it.

We're only here four more months, and I find myself thinking that I don't *really* needs friends that bad...other times I feel like I *do* need friends, so I'll just take what i can get.

I liked it better when I'd lived in Malaysia for 9 years and had friends who I knew would die for me. That's way better than this grown up inner drama!
 
I know exactly what you mean. We did really good at making friends when we first moved here 4 years ago, but all of the people that we really clicked with have moved, so it's like we need to start all over again. We have friends that we can hang out with and have fun with, but it's totally different to hang out with people who actually get you and can understand why you think, feel, and act the way you do. Also we are so busy with kids and DH doing grad school at night that now it's harder to spend the time that grows those friendships. Especially when we are naturally introverted anyway.

We are just fine most of the time, but sometimes I get really lonely wishing for those really good friends.
 
Oh I hear you... you would think that at our ages, it would be easier - we have more in common with the kids and such... but with that it seems that everyone is so busy that they don't have time to build friendship, just acquaintances... if I lived closer to you, I'd be your friend. :)
 
I hear ya... I lost 90% of my .. core, friends when I was with satan - that was a long time ago now- and i think it really impacted my ability to even MAKE new friends. I was in a bad situation and then had all the people i loved and trusted just disappear. So now, I'm a bitter old lady who doesn't trust anyone, and doesn't feel like anyones really TRULY my friend or there for me anymore. The insecurity that whole life brought me is really ridiculous. Of course, everyone i want to be friendly with sees me as pretty standoffish because I'm closed off and don't like to share a lot. It's a never ending cycle :p BF has been trying to drag me into his social group to hang out with his friends etc.. but they're MY brothers friends, kids that used to annoy me when I was a teenager hahaha.. I feel like I'm floundering a bit :p

I wish it were easier.. like Rebecca said you'd THINK it;d be easier now that we're adults and we don't have all the silly pettiness issues that we did as kids/teenagers.. But no :p it's not. I am grateful for the few close friends I do have.. and I know they'd stick with me till the end, it just is crappy sometimes.
 
I completely agree. I tend to find one real friend each time we move. But it takes me half the time we are there just to find that one.(1.5 years roughly) It is hard to get around all the petty and back stabbers. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just be alone. I always have my husband. If you find the key to success on this, let me know please. :)
 
I hear you. I struggle a lot on this too. This time we've moved has been easier as I actually found a few scrapbooking friends, but I really struggle to just find friends. I think we had 3 friends in the entire 3 years we lived in GA...and none of those friendships have really continued after we left there
 
You're in good (or should I say pitiful?) company. I have one friend that calls me first and initiates get-togethers, but the rest don't seem to remember me when I'm not around. I've found myself sulking the last couple weeks, thinking I'm not important to anyone.

Ugh.

Sucks.
 
erica zane said:
This is why I'm a hermit...so much easier... ;D
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me too

I have a few core group of friends but I'm very much a loner. i'm not a very good friend MYSELF either..not one to initiate get togethers and stuff..I also think as get we older our lives revolve around our kids more than ourselves so that plays a part in how busy adults are now
 
Same. I have really really good friends that don't live near me.. but as far as friends around here... I have a couple but it's so hard.
 
Wow - I didn't realize how common this was!! I just moved too - last week actually. I have to start over with friends, and it sucks. I'm so painfully shy, it will take so long to find anyone (and I'm not gonna hold my breath that I'll be able to find someone that I can truly be ME around them). I really hate starting over sometimes! I second being a hermit - if it wasn't for my kids, I'd never get out and meet new people. Hugs to you all!!
 
I so agree! I always feel like I am a second thought, too. Then they come through and do something amazing for me and I feel bad. lol

You want to know what's even worse? Meeting men to date in your 30s.
 
I'm ok with most of my friends being in the computer. I have my husband, one close friend here, and my mom. I do have my days where I miss being a "socialite" but like Meg said, I'm so centered on my family and doing things with the kids that I don't really miss it, I guess. I can see me missing it when they're older though.
 
Sounds like a lot of us are in the same boat. I've had the same best friend since college but I don't really have any other really good friends. A few that I see occasionally but not often. I had a bunch of acquaintances when I volunteered for stuff with the kids but now that I don't do that anymore, I don't see them.

And don't get me started on the meeing men to date later in life thing...
 
I have a very large circle of friends whom I've known for about 13 years and then a couple of sub-circles in that. We have fun and they are fairly supportive, but none of them are the kind of friend I could tell my secrets to. I have my sisters for that, even though they live 1300 miles from me. :wub::wub:

And since finding all my high school and college friends on FB, my current friends don't compare to them. I don't feel unconditional love from my current friends, like I do from my high school friends (even though they ALL live far away).

I have a GNO with one of my sub-circles tonight to celebrate my birthday. Most of the time I come away from those get-togethers complaining and frustrated. Other times we have a blast. Hoping tonight is the latter.
 
You're in good company! I have two great friends I've know for many, many years. We don't live near each other, but we keep in touch and share everything and talk as much as we all can. Outside of them and limited family, I can't deal with much more social interaction anyway, so I don't seek it out. I've always kept a very small social network.

It's a challenge and you're certainly not alone! I wish I had some advice for you. Don't waste a minute on anyone who wouldn't make time for you, though. No one deserves that. xoxo
 
I hear ya Kellie. When I joined the Army, I lost contact with all of my school friends. Then when I left the Army, I lost contact with all of those friends too. I know some of the mums at school, and we chat quite happily while watching the kids play sport, but there's no-one I'd go out for coffee with or invite home or anything. I'm good friends with my neighbour, and we support each other with babysitting and picking the kids up from school etc, but we don't get together for a girls night or go shopping or anything.

Gotta say that it doesn't overly worry me though. I'm happy with my family relationships, knowing the women at church, talking with my mum and sisters on skype, and having online friends through scrapbooking. I do miss having a close 'best friend' kind of thing sometimes though.
 
Yep. Another one that gets it. I was always little miss social and had tons of friends. Not so much anymore. I think with age I just realized that I don't want one sided friendships anymore. I need someone that can tolerate the good/bad and ugly with me. Those friends are REALLY hard to find. I honestly don't have a ton of time to invest in superficial friendships. They tend to be to taxing on my emotions. I just need to focus on my kids and business. I don't need other people dragging me down.

SO in saying all of that........I am VERY limited to who I let it. I have a few. Other than that, I just can't allow myself to go there. I have become very much of a hermit over the last couple of years. I am totally okay with that. Not a lot of people can handle my strong personality and opinions anyways. It is just easier this way. Lucky for me, I do have few strong friendships that are there no matter what.
 
I'm so with you Kellie. Adam and I were just talking last weekend about how, outside of being far from family, this is by far one of the toughest parts of military life for us. Even when we've made some really good friends, it never fails that either you or them move before long. It gets really old having to start over every few years. We're only supposed to be here in Houston for a max of two years and it's tough to get motivated to make an effort knowing we'll be moving again before too luck. It sucks.

On a lighter note, I read this book last summer and related to it so much. It was a really cute read and had me laughing a lot at how true it was. :D

 
When I watch TV shows like Sex and The City or Girls or the new one on ABC Mistresses I always wonder if such friendships exist. I would love to have a close friend like that but reality of life is a bit different. Between work, home, and my daughter there is little time left.
 
jacinda said:
I hear ya Kellie. When I joined the Army, I lost contact with all of my school friends. Then when I left the Army, I lost contact with all of those friends too. I know some of the mums at school, and we chat quite happily while watching the kids play sport, but there's no-one I'd go out for coffee with or invite home or anything. I'm good friends with my neighbour, and we support each other with babysitting and picking the kids up from school etc, but we don't get together for a girls night or go shopping or anything.

Gotta say that it doesn't overly worry me though. I'm happy with my family relationships, knowing the women at church, talking with my mum and sisters on skype, and having online friends through scrapbooking. I do miss having a close 'best friend' kind of thing sometimes though.
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This sounds sooo much like me!

For me, I know part of it is that no one will truly understand why I am the way I am unless they know my decades long backstory. We ALL have a backstory, right!? And, that's personal. It's not something I'm going to share with every friendly acquaintance. But, that leaves me with people with whom I can be friendly but not have a true, intimate friendship. And, I miss it a lot.

I'm still I'm touch with a bunch of my "old" friends, and I love hanging out with them cause they all "get" me. We just don't get together often enough. I wish I had a close friend who knew my backstory and was around to listen to the day-to-day stuff too.
 
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Totally there with you girls!!

I have lived in this town for 21 years now and I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've went and hung out with girlfriends. I have 'friends' but I don't have besties. I am closer to my friends from high school (who I live thousands of miles from) than I am my friends in town. I should actually call them 'close acquaintances' because that more accurately describes our relationships. We get along, we talk, we laugh and have a great time when we see each other but we typically just see each other in passing or at some kind of function related to work or kids.

Most of the time I am perfectly OK with not having a big social group. Sometimes it is kind of depressing though.
 
Being a friend when you're a teenager is just so much easier. You're together at school, you go with friends to school events, you have birthday parties... it's easy.

Being a friend as an adult requires effort. It requires getting out of the house and going to do something. Usually when I do that, it's with my family and if I go out with friends, I feel like I'm depriving my family of that experience. If I go out with friends on a Friday after work, everyone is OK with that, but I find myself thinking that I'd rather be spending the time going out with my family and I feel guilty because they're at home eating sandwiches while I'm having a great time. I teach and a lot of my energy goes into doing that. Most of my "friends" are my coworkers. Honestly, when the day is done, I want to be home, with my family, with my things. I don't want to go back out and do something.

This is why my best friends live in the town where we vacation. We go there 3 weeks each year and I see them 2 or 3 times during a week. We have dinner, go see shows, I take their kids with us to theme parks... it works well for us. I'm pretty sure that once we're gone, they stop doing those things, we come home and we stop doing those things (well, we go to movies and dinner and nature centers but not with the same frequency as we do on vacation). It's rather strange but we like it.

P.S. And it's killing me that we are probably not going there again until 2 years from now. Next year I have one daughter graduating from high school and she is planning our vacation. I'm not going to miss the trip to that place, but I am going to miss my friends.
 
jacinda said:
I hear ya Kellie. When I joined the Army, I lost contact with all of my school friends. Then when I left the Army, I lost contact with all of those friends too. I know some of the mums at school, and we chat quite happily while watching the kids play sport, but there's no-one I'd go out for coffee with or invite home or anything. I'm good friends with my neighbour, and we support each other with babysitting and picking the kids up from school etc, but we don't get together for a girls night or go shopping or anything.

Gotta say that it doesn't overly worry me though. I'm happy with my family relationships, knowing the women at church, talking with my mum and sisters on skype, and having online friends through scrapbooking. I do miss having a close 'best friend' kind of thing sometimes though.
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That's crazy! I'd totally be inviting you out for coffee all the time if I lived on the same island as you. : )

We need a group hug, lol. At least we have each other.
 
MissKim said:
P.S. And it's killing me that we are probably not going there again until 2 years from now. Next year I have one daughter graduating from high school and she is planning our vacation. I'm not going to miss the trip to that place, but I am going to miss my friends.
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Kim, TWO YEARS?! I can't even imagine you being gone that long. Maybe you should get a second job at night so you can afford an extra trip...
 
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