Kind of a really personal thing, but I could really use some advice

Well hon, being that I know you pretty well, I'd say that people do all kinds of things and keep all kinds of secrets...kwim? I'd be beside myself first of all, then probably would cry for my children because I'd never be sure how they'd feel about this and how they'd process the information. After that I'd probably be so worried about what her motives are...especially if they involve child support or back child suppport (though I don't know what the laws concerning this are).

But here's the kicker. Why on Earth would she contact him through Facebook to tell him this. This is something I would have thought she'd try to do years ago (contact him, I mean).
 
Oh you poor thing!! I don't have anything new to add other than to give you my support. You are perfectly right to feel however you need to to process this info. Big hugs girl!
 
I would be shocked and upset too. I know you don't hold it against your DH or the girl, but that's no reason you shouldn't feel traumatized by having your world turned upside down. If I were you, I'd tell your DH that you aren't mad at him, and that he has your support, but that you need a bit of time just to get over the shock of it and comes to grips with the news.
 
I would be amazingly freaked out, a little pissed off, a little sick to my stomach, a little upset and a whole lot more freaked out. That is huge and you have every right to whatever emotions you feel. And, yes, get a DNA test.
 
DNA! Absolutely the DNA test. No compromising there...if dh says he is certain...still say for the sake of your family...a DNA test IS in order. You can have people resemble a family member and in no way be related...I ran across my dh's UNCLE that we see at LEAST twice a year...only to find out that the man was NOT the uncle...but could have passed for a twin brother...and he said he has actually been called that man's name more than once (apparently he fooled other family members too)....strange thing is...there are TWINS...and this man would make a 3rd/triplet!...if he were related.

{{hugs}} and what a shocker! ...but demand that DNA test before anything else happens...that way you know one way or another for sure.
 
A little different story...but I'm the girl...or one like her. I was 30 when I found out who my birth father was, and then he told all his family. His wife had to find out that while he was trying to date her, he was sleeping with my bio mom.

There was a lot of different emotions from everyone.

I haven't read all the posts, so I'm not sure if you've updated or not, but there is a chance that there has been another man who has stepped up in the role as "Dad", and she doesn't need another father, kwim? If she is his bio child, your kids have another sister...and that can be pretty cool! I'm just saying this because I understand the other side of it.

{{{HUGS}}}
 
Big hugs to you, Amy. At such a time in your life, I think you really need it and I'm glad the community is here to support you as well. :)

Just wanted to chime in as well that I can understand because I've been in both your position as well as the position of the daughter. It was very painful for me to accept the occasional feeling of being relegated to second priority for both my dad, who now has another family, and my boyfriend, who also has children from a previous partner. Sometimes, I even feel that the attention is just not there because I also do not have children with my boyfriend and we're not married so there's really nothing that ties us together in that way.

I hope that it will still turn out to end well, though. :) We always have to hope for the best for our situations, but definitely it's a big shocker to swallow.
 
BrodoNY0123 said:
Amy, as a woman without any children of her own, I can't even imagine what you're feeling right now.

But, anything you feel is OK! No one should be saying to you that you should feel this way, or react that way. That's not right. You are you, and this is a huge bombshell to be dropped on your shoulders, and you have every right to feel anything you do, and in whatever timeline those feelings come.

Big big hugs Amy!!
Click to expand...

more hugs from me. I myself don't have children either. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes... and I just can't imagine what you are going through. Its hard but in time you'll know what to do. You're a mom, and I respect each and every mom out there. Its a huge change but in no way the childs or fathers fault.

Feel free to go through all the emotions out there. You'll finally settle down, but now... feel what you need to feel.

*I just want to say to the community here, I'm so happy that we have you guys to just simply talk too. Sometimes it helps more than you know.*
 
yes, amy...i'm pretty sure you can do a dna test long distance. :)

and ditto to everything stated here. i am sick to my stomach and this is not even remotely related to me. i CANNOT imagine how you must be feeling. you have to do the dna test and everything LA suggested. it would just be silly to get involved in this before you have the key specific things ironed out. anywho...you know this. GIANT HUGS and love and prayers going out for you...honestly...i cannot imagine.
 
((Hugs)). What a huge shock. I can't believe that you have people telling you that you should be happy about this when you've only known a few hours. Telling you that it'll all work out in the end and may be a good thing--sure. But expecting you to be happy right now? Heck, no.

Even though your DH has another child, you're still the only one who really parents with him, who was there through all the shared moments with your little ones that he'll never get back with this daughter.

If it were me, I'd be shocked and feel sick, and I would want all the answers and resolution immediately, even though I'd know that can't happen. I don't think I'd be mad at DH, but I guess I can't say for sure. I definitely wouldn't be mad at the daughter--I'd feel sorry that she missed out on so many years that she could have had with a great dad and her half siblings. All that anger would be directed toward the mother, for not telling my DH way back when. But after some time to process (and you take as much time as it takes you), I think I'd want to meet her, have my kids know their older sister, and build as good a relationship as possible. I think it would be a long time until I was entirely over the shocked and sick feeling, probably not until we'd begun to build a relationship with her and I saw that everything really was going to be okay.
 
i'd feel disgusted first off and cry buckets - havent read all the posts but u have the right to feel how u instinctively feel and although that may change and go from one emotional extreme to the next, noone should be encouraging u to fast forward that process ((hugs))
 
Check this out, Amy:
http://www.dnacenter.com/

It says that while both the gurl and your DH will have to go into a facility to be tested, they do not have to go into the same facility or at the same time. This company has testing facilities all over the U.S. and you can make an appointment at whichever facility is most convenient for you.

It looks like the test will run you abt $500, but you can go on a payment plan once you pay a $99 deposit. They won't release the results to you until you pay it off, but it's something.
 
oh Amy. Anything you may feel right now is perfectly normal. I would say, yes, it should take some time for you to "recover" from all this. As easy as it is to say to not be mad at DH, I for one would be, but that is me and my emotions and how I deal.

I second the DNA testing. It's a must especially if she is going to seek child support AND back pay for child support (if that is possible, IDK)

Another thing I would suggest for you is talking to someone. Therapy would probably help & you could go alone and/or bring DH in at some point. I went through therapy & it helped me out a lot. It's nice to talk to someone not involved.

Big hugs, Amy.
 
Oh wow sweetie!! What a piece of information to have to take in! Wow!

Not having read through this entire thing, I would suggest a DNA test. I wouldn't tell your children about this child until you have definitive proof that this kid is in fact your DHs.

If it turns out that she is, then I would accept her. Imagine what your DH must be going through.

I find it very odd that she would contact your DH through Facebook and tell him this. Something like this deserves at least a phone call. My goodness, it makes me wonder if this lady is playing with a full deck.

I would also suggest talking to a therapist. Stephanie is right. A therapist can only help you work through these emotions.

I certainly hope this all works out for you sweet Amy.

Big hugs with lotsa love!
Paula
 
Well gosh, I don't think I am having the same negative reactions as everyone else here. The truth is, no one in your life did anything "wrong". Your husband wasn't cheating....he had a relationship prior to meeting you and there isn't anything wrong with that. Obviously, they were intimate and a child was concieved without his knowledge or input. So, it isn't his "fault". Yes, it is shocking but it isn't like you just found out he is/was cheating or that he has a terminal illness. There is a child out there that now has a chance of knowing her father, and in my book, that is a good thing. Who knows what the mother's reason were for not telling your husband? Maybe she was scared. Maybe she didn't want to impose on him but couldn't terminate the pregnancy? Now, twelve years later, she may realize that her daughter needs to know who her father is. She may realize she made a mistake keeping this from your husband and now she wants to rectify it. Sure, there may be financial implications and certainly there will be emotional implications to all this but try to approach it one day at a time. Counseling would be a pretty good idea. There are several people that need help processing this (you, your husband and children) and a counselor can help you work through your feelings.

Just my two cents.

Susan
 
MizAmyLou said:
quick question though...is it possible to get a DNA test done long-distance? I mean do you think he would have to go there to get it done?
Click to expand...

Amy, I know first hand that a DNA test can be done at different facilities, even in different states....I know because my Grandson's "Father" was living in Maryland at the time he went for one and my Grandson & his Mommy live here with us in New York....Petition the Courts for a DNA test and they will set everything up for your husband, the young girl and her Mother....With my Daughter, she and my Grandson's "Father" both received phone calls giving them the results and then a few days later they both received a copy in writing too....

Big HUGS to all of you as you go through all of the various emotions that you are feeling and/or will feel....

 
thank you guys so much for all the encouragement and kind words. I thought I would give a litte update ... so yeah I didn't have a reason to be mad @ dh when I posted this on Friday, but I sure do now. Long story short, after telling our pastor and me that he would not make any moves in this situation without me and that we would do it as a family,he decided to take my daughter in a room by herself ..>WITHOUT ME and tell her all about the "new daghter" and he didn't tell me he was going to tell her and then got mad at ME when I got upset about it and said I was trying to make this all about ME. I just could not believe that he did that without talking to me first, without us presenting a united front. So instead of my kids having their mom and dad come to them and explain the situation calmly (and even be excited about inviting Brianna into our lives), now they see the secretiveness their dad did and they see that I was upset about it, so now they are upset as well. My daughter is very upset ... not about Brianna exisiting, but the fact that she thinks she may lose her daddy to this other girl. It's just such a mess. I don't know what's wrong with him. I am willing to love this girl and do whatever we need to do, but I am NOT willing to be excluded from it, as its "HIS' daughter, HIS responsibility, HIS decisions, HIS rights. I have always shared my son with him and never once did I exert any "he's only mine" power over him. That was agreed when we decided to become a family. He considers Joshua OURS, but Brianna is HIS and I just don't know how to feel....but I do know i feel betrayed about him going behind my back to MY daughter, you know? and yeah...I'm rambling and it's probably TMI but I want to thaink you guys so much for your advice and listening ears and unbiased thoughts. It means a lot and has made a lot of things more clear than they were. :) I love you guys!
 
{{{HUGS}}} I would be in complete shock, but not mad at my husband (unless of course you were together at the time, which doesn't sound like was the case). Who tells someone something like that on FB? Not classy! I'm sorry you're dealing with this! I wish I had some good advice.
 
I am sorry you have to deal with this all Amy..:( Sending you big hugs, Please take care of yourself.
 
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