Just need to vent

J

jessica31876

New member
So it was my birthday yesterday and nobody in my family (except my 18 y/o daughter) or my best friend not even my husband acknowledged it. He does this every year at my birthday, on our anniversary, at Christmas...every single time that he should be thinking of doing something nice for me and he just doesnt. I always do SOMETHING every year for him even if it is just surprising him with a card and a note when we dont have the money to buy something and every year he "forgets" and then promises that he will not forget again. I even reminded him this year a couple times that my birthday is coming (with the last time being the day BEFORE my birthday!!) and he still forgot. When I got upset about it because I mean none of my family or even my best friend called or stopped by or even sent an email he gets all mad at me and says well I dont know what you want so I dont want to do anything if it is the wrong thing. I mean really? Is it that hard to go into the drug store and buy a Happy Birthday card? Or even go online and send an E-card? Or write a note while Im sleeping for me to find in the morning that says I love you, happy birthday? We have been together now for 19 years and every year he says next year I am going to do better. Next year I am going to do something really special for you to make up for it. I think out of all nineteen years he might have done something nice twice? And both times it was like a last minute thing where he ran out at like 8 in the evening and got something at the mall. It makes me feel like an afterthought to him. Whereas with me I usually have his card & gift a month or two before his birthday and if I cant do something for his birthday I feel bad about it but even if I cant buy him something I will at least make him a cake and do a birthday layout or make a birthday card for him. Usually I get calls from my sisters and my neice and my best friend stops by so him forgetting isnt such a bad thing. So yea just makes me kinda upset
 
Oy. Forgetting a birthday is a big deal to me. I mean, even if we don't do anything, you have to at LEAST tell me happy birthday.

I'm sorry hon, that sucks. The only thing I would suggest is that next year, when you're reminding him that it's you birthday, just say a) I would love to get x/y/z for my birthday this year (and thus no excuses of "I didn't know what to get!"), or b) say "You know, my birthday is coming up, but all I really want is a card and to spend some time with you."

You REALLY have to spell things out for a lot of men (as I think we mentioned when you were upset a few weeks ago).
 
hmmm...my DH is really bad about this stuff. ALL OF IT. Even Valentine's day (HELLO? you can't go anywhere without seeing that crap!)...

Men are different. they just don't care about this stuff. It sounds like he probably wouldn't care if you did nothing for his birthday, either.

What I decided (and continually remind myself) is that my DH does a million little things and shows me in little ways throughout the year that he loves me. And that's just going to have to be good enough. So I have NO expectation (none, nada) that he'll do anything for me on any holidays.

You've been married almost twice as long as me, so you obviously have this marriage thing down - but I wonder if you had a chat about how you guys could do more to make each other feel loved on "normal days" then these special days wouldn't carry so much pressure.

of course, my b-day is Christmas, so birthdays have never been a big deal to me.

I'm sorry he didn't step up here though and make you feel special on your day :thumbdown:
 
Col I have done that before many many times before. We have been married 19 years. This is not the first time he has forgotten. And I have told him many times a card and wishing me a happy birthday is sufficient. I don't wear jewlery and I have everything I really need and the only thing I REALLY WANT (a laptop) we cant afford right now so I dont even expect a gift. I have even made suggestions of him making a picnic lunch and taking me to our favorite park or making me breakfast in bed among other suggestions. He likes to cook so I know this is something he is capable of. Most years it doesnt bother me quite so bad because I have other people who wish me a happy birthday and cheer me up when he forgets but my best friend has so much going on in her life right now I knew she would probably be busy. My daughter is taking me out tomorrow though so that will be nice. Just me and her...we will be going to the movies and having lunch together. In all 19 years I have never forgotten his birthday...not one single time and I have always done something special and it is never last minute. I have it done usually at least a month before his birthday comes around.
 
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See part of the reason this hurts me more then alot of the other stuff he does/doesnt do is when our daughter was only a year old and we had been married 2 years at the time (back in 1993) my sister who is just a year older then me moved in with us because she did not have a place to stay. Well there were alot of "signs" something was going on with him and her one of those signs was that he went out and bought her not only a birthday present (her birthday is January 2nd) but a valentines day present as well. It caused a ton of arguments between me and him and between me and her and we almost split up over it. So I know he is perfectly capable of remembering birthdays and other special occasions and doing something for the person involved to make it special. It was a long time ago and we have worked through it for the most part since we have been together for 19 years but every year when he forgets my birthday or makes it like a last minute thing it hurts that much worse that he forgets MY birthday but managed to remember hers. I know he is sorry about what he did back then and he is not at all the same person he was back then and I can forgive him for it BUT I cant forget no matter how much I wish I could.
 
I'm so sorry. At first I was going to say that if you have a family calendar or if he has a calendar I would write it in red for him. But after reading your last update I understand that it hurts oh so much more. I'm really sorry.

It sounds like you have some fun plans with your daughter. Have a good time.

And let me say to you, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"!!!
 
((hugs)) I'm sorry that happened!! My dh is about 50/50. the special days he remembers are fantastic, but he completely spaces out on about half of them altogether.

That is super sweet your daughter's taking you out! I hope you have a great time. I'd love to tell you to forget about dh, for the day, but I know it's hurtful, and not so easy to forget.
 
Yea my daughter is really sweet like that. She also brought me some jordan almonds she bought from a school fundraiser but she did not read the brochure and they are coated in chocolate. I *can* eat chocolate (Im not allergic or anything) but I do not really like the flavor for most chocolates. I love jordan almonds though so I tried a couple and they just are not that great because of the chocolate. It was the thought that counts though.

So tomorrow since we did not make it to Alice In Wonderland the day it came out because she had to work we will be going tomorrow and having lunch at the mall before the movie then I think she has to work after the movie lets out. I love those days out with just me and her because it is so rare with all her activities/friends/school/work. Ive been trying to do it at least once a month though and I told her I need to get some more senior pics soon because she is almost ready to graduate. So maybe next weekend we will have another day together. So yea that does make me really happy. And I guess I will see how my husband does next year. He swore after seeing how upset I was that he will not forget again but I have heard that before so we shall see I guess.
 
That sucks! I'm so sorry he keeps forgetting - and I understand why you are even more upset after the thing with your sister. Boys smell.

With SO, I make sure he doesn't forget. He never has, but then again I never give him a chance. I remind him every day for about two weeks;)
 
aw hun, im sorry to hear that. I would be majorly bummed too. I dont know why men dont understand that women are really quite simple. All we want, is a bunch of flowers, or a card, or breakfast in bed. To just feel a lil bit special one day a year. I dont think any of that is very hard and doesnt cost much more than their time. sigh. If we didnt need men to reproduce, im sure we'd all be lesbians lol

Im so glad your daughter is taking you out. Im sure you'll have a great time. Hugs! xxx
 
it really is funny because my daughter can read me better then my husband can sometimes. She knew I was upset and she pretty much knew why I was upset too. We already had this planned because we could not go last when the movie started but I know even if we had not planned this she would have done it anyhow. Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes also. They are all really nice :)
 
Really, the important part is just having someone tell you Happy Birthday and making you feel good that day. Its not presents and such I know. Hugs!
 
Oh sweetie...I'm so sorry. I totally understand though...I've been married 28 years and the same thing still happens to me.
 
I dont know why it is so hard to remember a day. My husband forgets our childrens birthdays sometimes and how old they are. We had to take my son to school like a month or two ago cause he missed the bus and he has been in middle school since August and we even met all his teachers and my husband started to go to his old elementary school?!?! I know his memory is pretty bad but when he wants to remember something he can. Random stuff like how the headlights were changed on a car from one year to the next and how you have x amount of bolts to get a transmission out. Dates and numbers though he forgets almost instantly. The weird thing is I can remember my credit card number by heart as well as his and all five of our social security numbers, all his families cell and home numbers and most of our account numbers for our bills. I know I have a thing with numbers because I can hear one and it just sticks but I still dont think after 19 years being reminded five or so times in a two week time period that he can forget my birthday so easily. And how he can forget the day his kids were born I honestly do not know. I mean yea certain details of those days are fuzzy for me but I was sedated after having major surgery with each birth!!
 
so sorry....HAPPY BIRTHDAY! and I say if your DH has a cell phone of any sort, I would add reminders into his calendar so it alerts him on the day!!! MY DH was filling out the Census yesterday and he could remember some of the kids birthdays but not the year or the year and not the day!!! It is just a gu thing...but he DOES remember when my birthday is and even if we don't have money he at least says Happy Birthday or gets me a card.....one year he even got a twinkie and put a candle in it and had the kids sing happy birthday to me!!!!...well, I hope he does better next year!!!
 
OMG!! that totally reminded me I DID DO THAT!!! The alarm went off at midnight and it said Jessica's Bday!!

nun69 said:
so sorry....HAPPY BIRTHDAY! and I say if your DH has a cell phone of any sort, I would add reminders into his calendar so it alerts him on the day!!! MY DH was filling out the Census yesterday and he could remember some of the kids birthdays but not the year or the year and not the day!!! It is just a gu thing...but he DOES remember when my birthday is and even if we don't have money he at least says Happy Birthday or gets me a card.....one year he even got a twinkie and put a candle in it and had the kids sing happy birthday to me!!!!...well, I hope he does better next year!!!
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OMG...well then he really has no excuses!!! you'll have to check his phone and see if you can set the reminer to go off right before he is due to get off work!!!!
 
he does not work anymore due to an accident and him having issues with his back. Supposed to be having surgery April 7th but I think it might have been moved to April 21st. We have been together for going on 15 months now every. single. day. I looked for a job but living in a rural area there are not many jobs and not many more in Orlando either. My daughter is trying to get me a job working where she works (Dominos Pizza) but she said right now they dont really need anyone. That is defenitely another factor that is driving me crazy that he is always here. I know alot of people tell me they could not be with their spouses 24 hours a day for nearly 15 months so maybe Im doing ok that he is still alive LOL
 
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