I feel like a horrible person for even thinking this...

J

jessica31876

New member
Mother's Day is coming up this weekend. Sunday to be exact. And as usual I cannot sleep tonight. I fell asleep around 11:00 and woke back up awhile ago. I am not even sure when. But I started thinking about how this will be the first mother's day since my son Matthew was born that he will not be with me. And that thought really upset me. Then it made me think about how the man who caused the wreck that killed my son CAN be with his mom on Mother's Day and she can be with him. And that makes me angry....and so a thought occurred to me that I could send her a card to remind her that while she spends time with her son this weekend. (if she even does...who knows what their family traditions are) I will be at the cemetery for at least part of the day Sunday spending time with mine because of the actions her son took on July 22nd, 2011. Then I thought gosh that is REALLY mean. But part of me does not really care. Part of me wants them all to suffer just a little bit and feel just a little of the pain our family feels every single day since the wreck that took my son from us. But a bigger part of me feels bad for even thinking things like that. I know I won't do it in the end and I am not sure why I even entertain such thoughts. It does not make me feel any better usually just makes me feel worse. What I really want I guess is for this man to admit he was at fault and take responsibility and at least try to make amends of some sort. That has nothing to do with money. I don't know how you would even begin to make amends for taking another person's life but I think to start you have to at least accept responsibility and he won't even do that.

So my official plans so far for mother's day is my daughter is coming over, her and her husband have bought me a gift and card and we may go out for lunch and get some family photos. Go to the cemetery to put flowers on my son's grave and spend a few minutes together with him there....kinda talking to him each in our own way. Then my daughter and her husband will be going to Olive Garden with his family to celebrate Mother's Day and my husband and youngest son will come home and have a small dinner heere maybe make some popcorn and watch a movie.
 
I think you are being a little hard on yourself. Every event this year will have been a 'first' without him and it must be like being hit over and over with a sledgehammer. I think it would be strange if you didn't feel angry some of the time.

One nice thing to think of is ... by the time Mother's Day next year comes, you will be celebrating as a grandmother.

Hope you get through OK - I'll be thinking of you
 
Oh, Jessica... I think those thoughts and feelings you describe are perfectly normal... It's so unfair what happened and my heart aches for you. I can't even imagine what it must be like to lose a child. What Rachel said is such a nice thing and something to look forward to. I hope the arrival of the baby will maybe soothen your pain a little and who knows maybe a part of your son will live further in the baby... ((Hugs))
 
Aww Jess-I'm so sorry.
I think it is OK to give yourself permission to feel like an awful person every once in awhile in this situation, because I think you know at your core that you are not. I'm sure all of your feelings are normal and as long as they don't consume you-you are doing great.
I hope you have a great day with your daughter and the rest of your family!
(((Jess)))
 
I can't imagine what you are going through Jessica, I wish that you weren't going through any of this. I hope you can have a little joy with the rest of your family this mothers day.
 
You are NOT a horrible person. Like the others have said, your feelings are completely understandable. You have experienced something that no mother should ever have to experience. Don't be so hard on yourself. I hope you are able to enjoy your time with your family and feel your son there in spirit. (((HUGS)))
 
You are not a horrible person! You are mourning your son and that is to be expected.:crying: I say, write the letter. Say everything you'd like to say to his mother. Fold it, put it in an envelope. And then put it in your dresser drawer or somewhere out of sight, or the garbage can... There is something very helpful and a real benefit to getting those thoughts out. It's for your mental health and healing, not for her, because you know there's a real possibility it won't hurt her at all or make her understand your pain. :( After all, she did have a part in raising that son who takes no responsibility, remember?

HUGS. :hugs: I hope your mother's day will be a good reminder of the love that still surrounds you, and the warm memory of the son you loved so much and poured your heart and soul into.
 
YepBrook said:
You are not a horrible person! You are mourning your son and that is to be expected.:crying: I say, write the letter. Say everything you'd like to say to his mother. Fold it, put it in an envelope. And then put it in your dresser drawer or somewhere out of sight, or the garbage can... There is something very helpful and a real benefit to getting those thoughts out. It's for your mental health and healing, not for her, because you know there's a real possibility it won't hurt her at all or make her understand your pain. :( After all, she did have a part in raising that son who takes no responsibility, remember?
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I think that's a wonderful idea. Let it out. I can't imagine what your going through, (((hugs))).
 
oooh this much be so hard so youre feelings are really normale !
dont blame yourself to much for having them and try to enjoy from the time you have with youre doughter and her husband !
 
I think I would be tempted to write the letter to the guy responsible it's not his mum's fault that he is I am struggling to find a word to describe my thoughts for him that is not swearing. I would write every single thing that you are feeling, tell him how hard it is for you and how much you are hurting. It's entirely up to you if you send it not I know for me personally just writing it would be enough to help. ((hugs)) I remember how hard the first mothers day after losing Leo was, I refuse to lie and say it gets easier it just gets different. Hugs Crystal x
 
Jessica, I can very easily see how you could be equal parts sad and angry. You are going through something no one ever should have to. I think ANY emotion you have is just part of your coping. I like the thought of writing everything down. There's something very soothing about seeing your thoughts on paper. I hope you're able to enjoy your mothers day with your kids and hubby. ((hugs)) sweetie.
 
I think its very normal to feel angry for what happened and to feel angry at the person who caused your son's death. But his mother did not cause the accident so while yes she gets to spend time with her son and you do not I don't feel its fair to blame her or be angry with her.

HUGS, im so sorry you are going through this. But I do think the idea of writing a letter to get your feelings out is a great idea. I wrote a letter to Colin after he passed and it felt good to get my emotions and feelings out on paper.
 
Hugs Jessica. After my husband's death, I kept a journal, which I now refer to as my grief journal, and I poured all of my emotions out in it. There were days I was angry at the world, angry at him, so sad I couldn't breathe, etc. I wrote it all down because I needed to release it in some way. There were also happy memories and love letters to him. What ever I felt was written down. I probably wrote in it for about a year and a half and then I put it up on the shelf in my closet. It is still there, I have not opened it or reead it, I lived it, I don't need to, but I can't throw it out. It helped me and perhaps the idea will help you as well.
 
Yea Amber kinda why I thought it is mean. In a way I kinda blame the parents because they seem to me at least to enable his behavior as he is 27 and still living at home with his parents and they know what happened. If it was my son or daughter who had done something I know I would reach out in some way to express my condolences even if my son/daughter had not. I think I am going to try writing the letter and see if that helps at all. I know we will have a good time on Sunday we always do. Saturday we are likely going to Disney. My youngest does not want to do that so he will be staying home but Sunday he will be going with us.
 
Yeah- they should have at least sent you some condolences. Thats really crappy of them. And for that I would definitely feel angry.
 
Lorie I do that on my blog. Sometimes I will write any entry and not share publicly. Sometimes I wirte it and share. But I write in it almost everyday. I also keep a journal for things I want to say to my son. Sort of like letters to him. I think probably most people wuld think that is kinda nuts LOL but it feels like I can talk to him this way and tell him how I feel and how much I miss him and what we are all doing etc.
 
My uncle was killed by a drunk diver at 7 am in the morning ten years ago and his killer has never expressed remorse. It may not happen Jessica. He does not sound like a strong person and it would take an extremely strong person to acknowledge and accept that they took someone's life and ask their family for forgiveness. I think the anger you feel is justified and you need to find a constructive way to release it. Go ahead and write that letter, then when it is finished, you can decide what to do with it.
 
jessica31876 said:
Lorie I do that on my blog. Sometimes I will write any entry and not share publicly. Sometimes I wirte it and share. But I write in it almost everyday. I also keep a journal for things I want to say to my son. Sort of like letters to him. I think probably most people wuld think that is kinda nuts LOL but it feels like I can talk to him this way and tell him how I feel and how much I miss him and what we are all doing etc.
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Not nuts at all. Totally healthy and loving. When someone we loves dies, they are not gone from our lives, our hearts or our memories. I think you are doing all the right things to heal as completely as you can after such a loss. Your strength and grace will keep you moving forward.
 
So sorry Jessica. I can't imagine how you must feel but don't ever think you are a bad person for having those feelings because those sad/angry feelings are totally normal! Keeping you in my T&Ps this Mother's Day <3 ((((HUGS))))
 
I don't think you are a bad person for thinking that at all. You have every right to. (((((((HUGS)))))))
 
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