Help! I need some advice!

kristine

kristine

New member
Appologies in advance for the long post..

So my SO has been offered a new job. It's a really good offer, but it means we have to move:thumbdown: At the moment he is working in a different city, but as he is a consultant they pay for his accomodation and travel home every weekend. If he takes this job, they won't do this, so we will all have to move.

Here's a list of positives and negatives - please help me decide what to do:

Positives:
The city is nice, it's very pretty.
We wouldn't have to spend all week apart
The job pays well, and it is really secure
They will pay for him to get an MBA
They will pay for him to learn Norwegian
They offer cheap home loans
We will probably be able to go abroad for a few years (US here we come)
It's easy for me to get a job where we would be moving
I have some friends that live there
There is a big international community there, with lots of other english-speaking people, which SO likes. Also they show the rugby in the pubs - here it's all soccer;)

Negatives:
I will have to leave my job
The kids would have to leave their friends, my oldest would have to leave a school where she is really happy
We would have to sell the house, which is the house I grew up in, and there would be no going back. The area we live in is awesome for kids - really safe, and lots of other children
We will no longer live near my parents or my brother (no free babysitters)
We will no longer live near my parent's summerhouse or cottage in the mountains - no more free holidays
I would move away from most of my friends and all of my family
The climate is all wrong - too warm for snow and too cold in the summer - it rains all the time. No skiing.

So what do I do? I know he really wants to accept the job, but he is not so tied to this area as I am. I have told him it's up to him to decide, but I know he would turn it down if I asked him to.
 
I think.. that the new job presents a lot more stronger positives - the negatives are all.. meh, adjustments that you all could make kwim? the new job seems to be something that he could move forward with, a lot of potential for great things, and finding a good paying, secure position is hard to come by these days.. So................... I would take it.
 
I agree with La... although, I know the negatives are really really hard as we're currently going through those things having moved here in July but like La said the adjustment comes with time.
 
I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, but I think La summed it up pretty well. If you can get a new job, and your SO would be home more, I think that's the right decision. The kids will adjust. I'm sure it will be hard, but they'll make it through.
 
here are a few questions I would ask you?

1. overall for your family, what would be the better choice?
2. how old are your children?
3. do you think your children will not adsjt well being away from extended family?
4. could you possibly count on friends in the new city that you could "swap" childcare situations {you keep their kids so they could go out and vs.versa}
5. would it cost alot of money for you to fly back from vacations to still enjoy the

Being in the military I have dealt with this all of my adult life and my children just kind of adjust....even though we bought a house and will be moving this summer, my DD is NOT changing schools since she will be a Senior...my 9 y/o is actaully excited about leaving...it sounds like to me the postives outway the neagtives as far as opportunity's go for everyone :) I know it will be hard to live without family around, but for us that just made our friendships where we went stronger and we still connect with those friends years later!! we don't always see them, but they are always on our minds!!!

if you have any questions, please feel free to PM me :)
 
Well as someone who's made a lot of those sacrifices for a job with probably half as many of those positives, I'd say go for it. Being away from family has been the hardest part for me (well and the whole no-job thing haha) but overtime it has gotten better. I try to just look at each move as an adventure and try to focus more on what you're gaining rather than what you're giving up.
 
I totally agree with all the points La made... I'm one who is uncomfortable with change most of the time, though once the change is made, it usually turns out that everything's ok after all. I hope whatever you and your SO decide will work out for the best, and if he ends up taking the job, I hope the transition goes as smoothly as possible for you and your family! Keep us updated on what you guys decide! ((hugs))
 
I agree with La and what everyone else said. Go for it but in the end only you can make the decision. Are you going to look back in a year and think "I wish we had stay back home"?
 
Thanks for the advice guys! I guess I know what the sensible option is - I just needed to hear it. My parents and friends are strangely biased;)

If I'm honest I think the kids will be fine with it. My youngest is 3, so I'm sure she won't really mind, and the oldest is 7. She says she doesn't want to leave her friends, but that she'd be ok. They are both really outgoing and make friends easily. I am worried about my oldest leaving her school though. It is a really small school, and there's only 15 kids in her class - normally schools in Norway have 28 kids in each class. Obviously they get a lot individual attention with such a small school.

My biggest issue is selling the house. We bought it off my parents, and when we bought it I thought we'd at least be here until the kids move out. I think that because I had such an awesome childhood here, I want that for my kids too. And once it's sold it's not like we can just buy it back.. It is so great to live somewhere where the kids can play outside on their own and not having to worry about them - but then again we might be able to find somewhere like that in the other place too.

If we do move, I'm probably always going to wish we had stayed, but I think I can live with that. I have decided to leave it up to SO to decide (I think). I know that if I had a really great career oppertunity and he said no I'd be kind of pissed off.. The money is about the same as he is on now, but the security and oppertunities in the future are obviously important.

Thanks again, girls - the advice is much appreciated. And to those of you that are "army wives" - I admire you so much! Here I am freaking out about moving once, and you have to go through this regulary. Hats off to all of you:)
 
And I'll answer the questions from Angie too..

1. overall for your family, what would be the better choice? I have no idea
2. how old are your children? 3 and 7
3. do you think your children will not adsjt well being away from extended family? I think they will be fine, we have lived away from them before, and there's always Skype:)
4. could you possibly count on friends in the new city that you could "swap" childcare situations {you keep their kids so they could go out and vs.versa} Probably. Maybe - it's wierd, I've never really used friends for childcare, the one year we lived away from everyone we didn't really go out together, and in England we used my MIL. Now we use my parents and my brother, and occasionally my best friend as she lives up the road and it's easier if I need to go out for just a few hours on a weeknight. I'm sure it would be fine though.
5. would it cost alot of money for you to fly back from vacation It's not that expensive - probably about 600-700 dollars for all of us, and if we are going for longer than a weekend we can drive, which is cheaper and it's about 8 hours. What we will miss I guess is going to the seaside for the weekend or for the day, or to the mountains for the weekend.
 
there's only one thing that factors in this... for *me*. Because you say you would no longer have to spend your weeks apart, that is the big thing that stands out. And the kids, I'm sure, would like to see their dad more than on the weekends. (that is if I'm reading this right). You can't put a price on time with your hubby and his time with the kids! :) Congrats on the exciting new venture!
 
I dealt with this decision not long ago. I decided to go. It was important to me that my kids get to be with their father as much as possible. Yes I'm another military wife. We moved from our home in the States to S. Korea. Its not as simple as a little flight back home to see family. Ours is only for a couple years before we go somewhere new(No clue at this point what is next). I'm loving it though. So much new stuff to see. New parks, museums, adventurous. I have my moments when I miss family and such but I try to remember that its all minimal compared to how I feel missing my husband. I told him when he joined I would follow him anywhere and I meant it. From Mexico to South Korea. And where ever they send us next. And 8 hours from home, is not far at all. And like you said Skype is great! :)
 
If this is worth anything, we just moved and my 6-year-old daughter had to start in a new kindergarten class right away in January after the break. I felt an incredible amount of guilt about this, but she adjusted so well. Within a week, she was fine and had made new friends. She knows all of her classmates who live within a few blocks of us and is begging me to arrange for playdates. I think your daughter will adjust just fine after a short time. Kids are so resilient at that age.

Good luck deciding!
 
We moved half-way across the country in July. Our situation was a lot like yours. Almost my entire family lived in our old city, and I hated leaving them. But in the end, DH was really excited about his new job opportunity so I agreed to the move. 6 months later my kids have MORE friends here than in our old city, and I'm learning to love the area. We also bought a web cam so we can use skype to video call back home...It's tons of fun for the kids to see their cousins and grandparents through the computer. (Not the same as being close to each other but it's better than nothing.)
I say go for it!
 
Oh wow....your's sounds exactly like a situation I was in a few years ago. We now live 9 hours from family but DH is with us all week long...and let me tell you that makes all the difference in the world. Sure we miss our family and DD misses her cousin something terribly but we've adjusted. We made some great friends that we traded babysitting with (unfortunately we've both moved since then but they are still really great friends) and discovered new favorite places. I gave up a job I loved (and miss terribly still) but the transition allowed me to become a SAHM so it was soooo worth it for us. Don't get me wrong...it's hard..I miss the free babysitting and take advantage of it a night or two whenever we visit and I miss being around my parents and sibling all the time (I come from a large close family) and if the opportunity arose for us to move back and DH to be able to be home with us all week we'd be back in a heartbeat no questions asked. But right now this is the right place for us to be. As someone who has experienced it I know what a tough decision it is so I wanted to wish you luck in finding what's right for y'all.
 
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