Getting kids to do chores

Sherri Tierney

Sherri Tierney

New member
I saw Traci's post on facebook about her little guy and it was all too familiar to me. I struggle every day to get my kids to do their chores. My daughter is the worst and her bad attitude rubs off on to my son. When she was younger it was so much easier to get her to do things. In fact, she LIKED cleaning and liked taking care of the pets and all of that.

DD is turning 10 this month and I'm so annoyed with her and her attitude when it comes to chores that I've told her she's not having a party. I don't feel like a birthday party is a right. I feel like it is a privilege. Birthdays were not a big deal at all when I was growing up but I've worked hard to make sure my kids have great birthdays. I'm so frustrated now with the constant battle of the chores though that I am ready to give up the birthday to teach her a lesson.

Her main chores are to take care of the rabbits and clean the cat litter box. The rabbits are a little more difficult now that we have 11 in the house but, frankly, its her fault we ended up with the 7 new babies. She has to empty and refill 4 litter pans for the bunnies, fill 4 food dishes and refill 4 water bottles. It isn't that difficult. Still, not a day passes that I don't have to get her up out of bed to finish up something she left undone. When she sweeps out their spaces she pushes everything in a pile and leaves it. Right now mama bunny and her 7 littles are living in a hallway area just off the kitchen. When she cleans out their area and sweeps the debris into a pile and leaves it that means there's a pile of bunny poo, hay, and pine chips sitting in my KITCHEN. Not acceptable. Daddy bunny and the sisters we kept from the first litter live in the play room (which is a big joke because they refuse to play in there and strew toys all over my living room instead). She'll sweep out their cages and leave everything all over the floor. That room is a huge disaster and she's really the only one who ever goes in there.

I'm just fed up and beyond frustrated. I could easily spend 8 hours a day just cleaning up after my kids and that isn't right. I won't get anything accomplished during this summer break if I can't get them to pull their weight. Cleaning their rooms, and other help around the house aren't even on their chore lists (and very well should be). I had hoped to get her used to cleaning the rabbits and changing the cat litter box and then ease her in to more chores like cleaning a bathroom and her bedroom. Nope, she can't even do what HAS to be done. Her room looks like a Hoarders episode. :(

So, what do you do to get your kids to do chores? I'm sick of this. She's almost 10. At 10 I was taking care of my younger cousins and my younger brothers, doing laundry and dishes and keeping my room clean and helping with yard work every day.
 
I'd start taking things away from her. Every single thing in her room actually belongs to you. You paid for it, so it's yours, not hers. If she can't contribute to the family, then she doesn't get the good things. Go in with a rubbish bag one day and bin everything that hasn't been put away. You'll only have to do it once, I guarantee. Take away her ipod, phone, mP3 player, TV, makeup,...basically anything that is outside of the very basics. Tell her she has to work to get any of it back. And that means working without grizzling. If you don't nip this in the bud now, just imagine how she's going to be when she's a teenager.

My kids are 5 and 8, and not really rebellious kids, so I've not had to resort to anything that drastic yet. They help out with chores because it's expected of them. Their pocket money is dependent on them completing a certain number of chores during the week. I made a chore chart that they enjoy doing. There are a couple of compulsory chores, but the rest of them they get to choose what chores they do. They have to complete at least 20 chores each week (none of them awfully hard). If they don't complete 20, they only get a portion of their pocket money. They can do an act of service to earn extra points.

A child pshychologist here recommends sitting down with the kids, and a list of chores. Let them choose their top 5 chores (or whatever number you specify) from the list of things to be done. One kid might hate washing dishes, but is quite happy to vacuum each day. Another might not mind washing dishes, but really doesn't like putting out the trash. Pick your battles - as long as they do a certain number of chores, let them do the ones they hate the least. At least they still get done.

Oh, and I'd totally get rid of the rabbits. If they can't look after them, give them away to someone who can.
 
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My kids each have half a dozen daily chores, and half a dozen extra weekly chores they have to do. I should mention they are 5 and about to be 7. My daughter doesn't like to keep her room clean, when she doesn't clean it for 3 days straight, I go in and take all her toys out. If they do their chores they earn ipad/movie time. We don't watch tv so that's not an option. But we try to do an equal amount of incentive as well as punishment. And they see when one gets something and the other doesn't. It seems to help as well. My son loves doing chores and helping out.
I used Darcy's chore template and made chore charts for them that hang on the fridge and they use dry earse markers to mark off their stuff each day/week. If at the end of the week, I haven't had to fight them at all about chores/everything is done. We usually do something special.

Eta- We don't do any allowance yet. I think mine are still to young/get what they need. They have yet to express a want for money.
 
I tried chore charts. That didn't last long. At first they were both really excited about the charts and worked hard to check off each item. In less than a week they were checking stuff off they hadn't done. My son would say "I know I'll do it so I'll check it off now" and my daughter would say "I checked them". In other words if there was enough water for the rabbits to make it till the next day she'd mark that off her list saying it was good enough.

We tried allowance in conjunction with the chore charts and separately. I don't call it allowance though, I call it work pay. That worked for about 2 weeks and then they lost interest.

The ridiculous part is that when they were younger they did MORE chores and did them better and without complaint. That's why I find this so ridiculous. I think the 6 year old is playing off of his sister. She whines and complains and says she hates cleaning so he does the same. When she was in kindergarten she had way more chores and did a good job with them. She used to keep her room clean. She used to help around the house. Now she doesn't want to do anything without negative consequences. One day last week she sat her alarm for 6am and got up and did her chores by 6:20. The day before her friend had called and invited her over and I wouldn't let her go because her chores were not done. She made sure they were done the next day but her friend didn't call so now she is back to not caring whether she gets them done or not. :(

Jacinda, I'd like to find a home for a few of the rabbits. Getting rid of all of them isn't an option though. Hunny would be put to sleep most likely given all of her past medical issues and the fact that she only has 3 legs now. I won't do that. Honestly, I LIKE the rabbits but it wasn't my choice to bring them in to the house, nor was it my choice to keep 2 of the kittens the kids wanted so bad (kittens are now over 2 years old).

Really, I don't expect perfection or 100% compliance from the kids. I just expect a little cooperation.
 
In my home, I made a simple rule from the time they were small..... if chore is not done, then no fun to be had. I am strict about this.
 
Cheyanne and I split chores during the week since it's just the 2 of us. She doesn't love doing them but knows she can't do anything fun unless she does (school dances, movies with friends, beach/pool time, sleep overs, etc.) If she says no, I say no to whatever she wants. If she's really rebellious, she loses her iPod, phone, or both. (She's will be 12 this summer, going into 7th grade).

As far as her room goes, I pick my battles there. I am a neat freak and a bit OCD, so I know that right now my standards are a bit over the top :D She knows she has to keep her clothes picked up (or no new clothes) and no food/drinks are to be left in there (she doesn't take food in there often but will take snacks/drinks in when she does her homework or is just hanging out reading/drawing/painting). Other than that she can leave it the way she wants and I close the door.
 
Yea... my 19 yr old is pretty much exempt from chores now except cleaning up after herself and special requests which she is always happy to help with.

My 13 yr old is a MAJOR PITA about chores but I will take away ALL electronics and make her stay in her room and/or stay home when the others and I go out and have fun. That always ticks her off lol. She has to care for her cat and cat litter box, take care of trash, keep kitchen counters clean of trash, and keep her room and bathroom clean. (She is also asked to help with whatever else I may need help with at a certain given moment)

My ten yr old grumbles a little on principle but she is not let out of it. She has to do dishes and keep the sink clean (several times a day if neccessary) other than that she helps out with whatever I need. She does not like getting in trouble or "yelled" at and she hates if she gets grounded cause she likes to play outside so she doesn't push too far.

When they get really testy... I remind them how much more stubborn I am then they ever will be and that I will not give in lol
 
Sherri - this sounds more like an obedience issue than merely chores. Does she do this with other things in relation to you as well?
 
Mine are still young enough that they're happy to clean and help out (mostly!). My oldest complains a bit when I ask her to do certain things (why do I have to do it?) but she does it.

My sister-in-law gives her kids $1 for allowance a week. I'm kind of torn with the allowance thing--I don't want them to get paid to do chores because I think that is part of being a family... but, I want to teach them to pay tithing, save, and have some spending money.

Anyway, if they don't have their jobs done at a specific time every day, they don't get "reward time" (computer, wii, tv, etc). And if they don't have their jobs done by bedtime, their mom and dad do it and charge $2. That's steep when you are only paid $1 a week!

Maybe everyone's ideas can give you some things to try out! good luck!
 
My daughter who is 10 went through a rebellious stage too. She complained about making her bed, hanging up her laundry, everything. she would fake cry everytime I told her to clean her room stating that she had nowhere to put anything. I decided that I was just going to stop yelling and start with natural consequences. My kids know that if I find a toy in the living room, it disappears. I might throw it away or I might put it in a bin in the basement that they can't get into. They can't go out and play, play games, video games, computer, anything if their laundry isn't put away and their bed is not made. If there is too much crap lying around their room, I have to take some away so they don't have too much to put away (that is always a complaint "but there is too much to do! I can't possibly put all of this away!") When that happens I just remind them that they don't need to have all of it, so if its too much, I'll gladly lessen their load. If I have something fun planned, like going to the pool, I'll yell up to them and say, "guys, I'm planning to go to the pool today. I'll come up in 30 min to check to be sure we all have our responsibilites taken care of." They know that if they don't have their stuff together and their stuff done, we won't go. They push eachother to get stuff done too, because otherwise we all won't get to go (since dad's not home to watch the ones left here). They are pretty good now because I don't mess around. The rules of keeping your crap picked up and making your room look nice are not that difficult, and they know that if they don't, then they will miss out on things and I will take things away, so they don't test me much anymore. I used to be such a weenie when it came to this - I would constantly be yelling at them to clean, etc, and it would never get done. THis works much better, and I don't have to be in a bad mood all the time. I know it is difficult, and it stinks because you hate to be mad at your girl all the time. I think a little bit of toughness would help. Just sit her down and explain what she is responsible for, and what will happen if she doesn't do it. I think missing the bday party is totally reasonable unless she wants to make a 180 right away and start acting nice to mommy. Hugs!
 
I would probably do one of two things.

1. Find something they really like/want. Maybe it is watching TV or playing with a favorite toy, or even eating breakfast or something. Chores must be done before that activity. When they complain use a love and logic technique I learned, "You can get out your breakfast just as soon as your jobs are done." You either ignore or give them the same line over and over without getting emotional about it.

2. Chores are the first thing in the morning. Nothing can happen until they are done and pass mom's inspection. I think this would only be possible for the summer, but it might work at least for that time.
 
I'm in agreement with others who said it. This gets done before ANYTHING else can happen in her day, and correctly, or she redoes it. No friends, no phones, no tv, no toys, no internet, etc., until her chores are done to your satisfaction. It may take some retraining, which means for a bit, you have to be right along with her to make sure to check on her when she's done and give her good feedback.
 
The big problem here is that I want to stay consistent and mornings will not work, at all, during the school year. We've always told her we want them done before dinner which gives her a pretty small window of time during the school year. I think its giving her to much of a window of time now because she can't seem to grasp how long she has and how long they will take so she waits until I'm fixing dinner and then freaks out because she's not done with her chores... when she does do them.

Its frustrating for me because I don't want to have to force her to do them at a specific time. I hate routines and schedules and structure myself. I get way more accomplished when I'm not bound by the clock to get it done. At home, that is. At work, I am quite productive and like deadlines. How funny is that? Anyway, I was hoping to find some great new techniques to encourage kids to do their chores. I don't want to be the mean mom standing over her while she does them. That will just stress us both out and right now I'm about as stressed out as I need to be. LOL
 
But it's not about being the mean mom standing over her. And she may need the scheduling, even if you don't - we all work a little differently. I have one who thrives on schedules, and one who needs that freedom of moving at his own pace.

For the school year - it's the first thing she does when she gets in. If it makes it easier on her to know exactly what to do and when, she may find that better.

Our boys work off a checklist for themselves. That way, they can do a job, tick it off, and see that they've accomplished it. We don't reward for chores - it's part of being in our family. But if you don't do them consistently, we start taking away thing allowance - their biggest motivation LOL.

We change the chores out about every six months, so eventually they learn to do everything, no one gets burned out, and it just mixes things up.
 
I told the kids today that we will not be going to the pool or doing any more fun stuff until they cleaned up the play room (the big mess left in there from my daughter not doing her chores well with the rabbits) and their rooms. They whined and complained and said it would take them all month. The play room is clean now and I didn't take a step in that room. They worked on it almost all day.
 
Sherri Tierney said:
I told the kids today that we will not be going to the pool or doing any more fun stuff until they cleaned up the play room (the big mess left in there from my daughter not doing her chores well with the rabbits) and their rooms. They whined and complained and said it would take them all month. The play room is clean now and I didn't take a step in that room. They worked on it almost all day.
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Awesome, Sherri!!!
 
I have the same problem but for me the culprit is my 65 year old mother. She refuses to help out in any way and always tells me she is retired and it is my turn to take care of her! A few months ago I stopped cleaning her room and I can't even describe how bad it is now. When I say something to her she tells me if it bothers me I should clean it up. I think it is even harder when it is your parent cause what can I really do to her?
 
Lorie, for that reason I couldn't stand to have my mom live with me. She keeps her house in an awful condition at is it and there's no way I could live with that. She brought over some stuff the other day and I had to let it sit outside in the sun for two days after spraying it down with lysol because it stunk so bad. :( Its just awful.
 
Sherri Tierney said:
I told the kids today that we will not be going to the pool or doing any more fun stuff until they cleaned up the play room (the big mess left in there from my daughter not doing her chores well with the rabbits) and their rooms. They whined and complained and said it would take them all month. The play room is clean now and I didn't take a step in that room. They worked on it almost all day.
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Good on you! Kids will get away with whatever they can get away with. It's up to us as parents to set the boundaries and make sure they are enforced. If we slack off, so will the kids.
 
I just wanted to post an update: We are now down to 3 rabbits (from 11). We found homes for the mom and dad bunnies as well as 6 of the 7 from the most recent litter. We could have easily re-homed the 7th baby but my son is quite attached to him. Having 3 makes for a lot less work for my daughter when it comes to chores and will make things easier.

We're still struggling from time to time with her not wanting to do stuff but it is getting better. :)
 
Thanks for posting this Sherri. I am having sort of the same issues with my son and I'm trying to structure our whole schedule at least for the summer because he has a really hard time if there isn't a strict plan. He really has expressed interest in an allowance (he's six and a half) and even my three year old loves getting money for his "piggy", so I think I'm going to use some ideas on here and start a chore chart (I do take toys away, too, but they never seem to care about that). We were doing a points system but I had a difficult time keeping up with it daily and still doing all of the chores (they only had one or two each and even then didn't follow them). I'm going to drop that and assign a list of chores instead for the week. He actually loves doing those but his behavior has become unruly this past couple of weeks. We don't have official "rules" posted and although I don't let them have a lot of TV/computer/video game time, I also don't specifically track a given number for them to follow either. I think this works for my youngest, but has caused chaos for my oldest since he needs structure and doesn't do well with grey areas of life and is particularly inflexible at times. I like unscheduled days but it just doesn't work for him and one of us has to bend and so far this just isn't going to be feasible. I'm starting a new routine tomorrow and will see where this takes us. I hope we have some good luck because it's honestly dampened our relationship because he is always grounded or getting privileges taken away due to bad behavior and lack of helping out. :(
 
Sherri Tierney said:
I just wanted to post an update: We are now down to 3 rabbits (from 11). We found homes for the mom and dad bunnies as well as 6 of the 7 from the most recent litter. We could have easily re-homed the 7th baby but my son is quite attached to him. Having 3 makes for a lot less work for my daughter when it comes to chores and will make things easier.

We're still struggling from time to time with her not wanting to do stuff but it is getting better. :)
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Good to hear, Sherri!!! :D It's great that you got rid of some of the bunnies, too. I remember having a bunny when I was a kid and they make a huge mess!!!
 
ashersmommy said:
Thanks for posting this Sherri. I am having sort of the same issues with my son and I'm trying to structure our whole schedule at least for the summer because he has a really hard time if there isn't a strict plan. He really has expressed interest in an allowance (he's six and a half) and even my three year old loves getting money for his "piggy", so I think I'm going to use some ideas on here and start a chore chart (I do take toys away, too, but they never seem to care about that). We were doing a points system but I had a difficult time keeping up with it daily and still doing all of the chores (they only had one or two each and even then didn't follow them). I'm going to drop that and assign a list of chores instead for the week. He actually loves doing those but his behavior has become unruly this past couple of weeks. We don't have official "rules" posted and although I don't let them have a lot of TV/computer/video game time, I also don't specifically track a given number for them to follow either. I think this works for my youngest, but has caused chaos for my oldest since he needs structure and doesn't do well with grey areas of life and is particularly inflexible at times. I like unscheduled days but it just doesn't work for him and one of us has to bend and so far this just isn't going to be feasible. I'm starting a new routine tomorrow and will see where this takes us. I hope we have some good luck because it's honestly dampened our relationship because he is always grounded or getting privileges taken away due to bad behavior and lack of helping out. :(
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I know the feeling exactly. I feel like this has all messed with my relationship with my daughter as well. It is hard for me to be excited and want to do fun stuff with her when I am frustrated with her all the time over her not doing what she is supposed to be doing. We had a little run-in and things came to a head and the next morning I had a changed child.

My son, who is also 6.5, is pretty inflexible as well and requires structure and routine. He is very spirited and it has taken me a long time to get used to how I have to approach his needs and still keep things within my comfort zone (as I'm not one to like structure and routine). We are constantly evolving as we find things that work more and more and as he matures more but it is definitely a process!
 
My boys have a hard time doing chores when I ask them. But when I make a list and they get to choose which ones to do? They literally RUN to that list so they get first choice. This has worked for years for us, no matter the age (well, they have to be able to read ;) ). Even my 20 year old runs to it, still! And then they do the chores right away.

We have never done allowances. My boys know they have to help out, regardless of whether they get paid. And they also know we'll give them some money or buy them something occasionally, so it all works.
 
Darn tried for 20 mins to load a photo to this post and its not working :(

But anyhoooooo Get a tub and place a sign on it called MOMS pick out ....then you make some chores and place them on strips of papers, each time the MOM has to pick something up of the child. The child has to pick a chore to do :)

Sign on pick up pail....."You left it out, Mom picked it up. She got your stuff now your out of luck. To get it back you must do a chore, again it is yours just like before"

http://www.flickr.com/photos/82163298@N03/
My niece is doing it w/ her 4 kids and they love it. they made a family project making the pick up pail and chore list :)
 
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A lot of parents can relate to this. My kids doesn't have much problem doing their chores but there will always be times they wont obey me. Parents have different approach on their kids. In my case, at least a few reminder and calm confrontation would always work. Giving rewards for a work well done can also be a good move.Learn more about this from: coping with kids and allowance.
 
I have the same problem with my 8 year old granddaughter, Adrienne. Only she thinks it is a punishment when I ask her to help around the house. I believe in doing chores are teaching her responsibility, how to take care of her things. She has asked me to teach her how to cook. Now when we are in the kitchen, that is a punishment too. She won't keep her bedroom clean, keep her toys out of the family living place, leaves her ipod laying around then she screams at me if I put them up. Nothing works.
 
My kids are 10 (son) and 6 (daughter). We instituted a special jar for each child. We have a master list of different chores that need to be done around the house (empty bathroom garbages, feed the dog, feed the fish, put clean laundry away, wipe down bathroom counters...) each with a bead amount. Feeding the dog = 1 bead because it's easy and takes about 20 seconds. Unloading the silverware from the dishwasher = 3 beads since it takes a little longer. Bringing waste baskets from around the house to the kitchen for dumping and returning to room of origin = 1 bead each. My 6 year old LOVES to help me hand wash floors (that's 5 beads; we have a big kitchen and mudroom and I love the help). Once their bead jars are full (takes about 3-4 weeks) they can choose one of the following: $10, go to a movie at the movie theater, go bowling, go miniature golfing, go ice skating. We are adament that when our son fills his bead jar and chooses to go to a movie, that it's a special time for just him (same goes for our daughter). His sister does not get to benefit from his hard work and go to the movie. If she wants to go to a movie, she'll have to earn it, too. Don't get me wrong, we do something special like this as an entire family about once a month, but this is good incentive for them to do their chores to get to do something "extra" or get money. If they want money, this is the only way they get it. This is their "allowance."
 
If we need something done, very seldomly will they decline. Every once in a while one will decline and the other will scoop up the job/request quickly knowing they'll get that many more beads in their jar. We've been doing this for almost 3 years and only ONCE did both absolutely refuse to do a requested chore (feed the dog). But, both were on melt-down mode after a really long day.
 
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