Do you feel as a mom that you...

Y

yari

Sweet Shoppe Designer
have a good support group? You know, people you can count on if you need a favor like babysitting, help with the kids when you do something, or someone you can talk to about the stresses of life? People who will not judge you if they come to your house to help with a certain situation and they happen to notice you haven't done dishes in a while? I don't have this in my life right now per se so I was just wondering what your situation was like.
 
I have a good neighbour and we support each other really well. Her husband is a chronic pain sufferer, and goes to hospital by ambulance at least 3 times a week. We look after the kids any time of the day or night, pick them up from school if she's held up, and try to help out wherever we can. She does the same for us when we need a sitter, and the kids pretty much go between houses like they own them both. It's awesome. We actually have a lot in common. I also have my Mum and my sister to talk to, or send the kids to, though they live over an hour away.

I've never been one to have lots of close girlfriends - too independent I guess. I make an effort to get to know the parents of my kids friends at school, and know if I'm in a bind, I could call one or two of them to watch the kids for me in an emergency. We don't get together for coffees or anything though.

I know lots of ladies at church, though I wouldn't say we're super close or anything, but again, if I needed them I know they'd be there for me.
 
Nope. Not since my mom passed 10 years ago. I just don't get close to people like that...I can't stand for people to know my business. And I'm independent to a fault...asking for help crushes my soul.
 
Even though I've always been independent to a fault, yes I do. I had to learn to ask after DH passed.

These days it's not very often that I need to ask for anything but I have 3 close friends who would help me with anything in a heartbeat as well as their husbands. They would also bail me out of jail at any hour of the day or night and help me bury the body :D We all work full time and our kids all go to the same school and do sports so we've had to ask each other at the last minute sometimes to grab the other's kid because we're late getting out of work, etc. The kids are used to it and are comfortable in each other's homes and are all like brothers and sisters (4 boys and 2 girls). It makes for a great network. We've showed up at each others' homes to help with yard work, shoveling after a blizzard, housework if one is sick, meals if someone is sick or just overwhelmed that week, etc.

One of my sister's lives only 5 minutes away and she would also help with anything, as would both of my parents.
 
Dang! Ok maybe like Krystal I'm being too independent to an extent that I don't like to ask for help. But sometimes life throws some really difficult challenges making you have a need to get help from others. So I guess this is where I am struggling. I have lots of friends, but not close friends that I could just call anytime of the day or night. Though I am finding out that people are willing to help and want to help if you give them the opportunity, meaning if you let them know and make them aware of a need. But why do I feel like it is easier to ask friends for help than family? Kinda breaks my heart cause it shouldn't be that way in my mind. I don't live near my family at all but my husband's family live in our town and I don't ever feel like I can ask them for any favors for fear of being judged. So it just makes me sad that I don't really have that option. Sorry for rambling.
 
I have three friends that are like sisters to me. We have each others backs...always.

I am the same with family, though. I don't feel like I can call them and know that they will be there for us. Shoot, I never call to ask my own mother to babysit because the majority of the time she tells me no. I never in a million years thought she'd be that way.
 
Yes, I do. My best friend here in town has a daughter Rachel's age, and she is great for bouncing things off of. I also have a great network of ladies at church and at Rachel's school to talk to. And then there's my online friends..."IRL" or not, they are always there for words of wisdom (or just to let me vent).

As far as asking for help, I'm not too proud...and I've learned that I don't know any moms who've got it totally figured out. It's great to know that nobody else out there is perfect either.
 
Yes. With all that we've had going with Timothy, we've had amazing support. We started going to a new church several months before his birth, and they have been very loving and supportive of our family. Our friends and families are also a tremendous help.
 
krystalhartley said:
Nope. Not since my mom passed 10 years ago. I just don't get close to people like that...I can't stand for people to know my business. And I'm independent to a fault...asking for help crushes my soul.
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I am like this for my home. I never invite people over bc I dont want or like to be judged. I share very little. I dont have a go to person which sux but only have myself to blame.

I do have a group though we all get together 2x a month and in between I do lunch or dinner with 1 of them and vent it out. It helps me so much just this part.

My 19yr old is my go to person im happy shes committed to our family and is willing to help out but I wont crap on her plans if she has them. I always get compliments on raising a smart, beautiful souled family girl.

I hope u bond with someone i think its so imortant to your mental health. imo
 
I don't. If my family lived closer my mother would be that person for me, but she's 6 hours away. (My sister could be that person to a lesser extent, but she's also 5 hours away, works full time, and has 2 very little kids.)

For me it isn't about fear of being judged. It's more not feeling that there's anyone local who'd care enough to drop everything to help. (It's probably in my head, but right now I only have casual friends and not people I'm close enough to really depend on.) There is 1 family that has kids my oldest and youngest are friends with. If I needed to, I could probably ask them to watch those 2 kids for a bit if I was in a bind. (And if it was a weekend, since both parents work full time and their kids go to before and after school care.) But I don't have anyone for my 7 year old, and he doesn't really have a best friend. I was better about making connections and asking for help before Ben (my 7 year old) was born. But when we added his special needs into the family it meant that people had to really know him and his needs in order to help, and it meant that for a few years I couldn't return the favor so I didn't feel comfortable asking others to do for me. Now that my kids are getting older I'd be able to help others in return, but I've lost touch with the closer friends I used to have.
 
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I'm a lot like Jacinda. I have one neighbor who helps me when I need a babysitter during the day, and I do the same for her. Our kids are the same ages, so they enjoy playing together frequently. We hardly ever do things together socially, but we sit and visit while the kids play, etc. She's probably my closest friend on a day-to-day basis, but I'm still a bit reserved with her. I'm weird that way. Other than her, I mainly depend on family for support when I need it. Luckily, I have my parents and sister who live close by and can help when I need them.
 
No... I don't get close to people... maybe it's because I'm an only child, I don't know... but if I have learned in the past when I would voice something that is stressing me, I'm quickly reminded how bad someone else has it than I do and do I realize how good I have it?... it's the same with asking someone to watch J... I have heard since I was young, "if the child can't go along, you don't go!" So... that is what it is now... I don't like asking anyone to watch J because I hear how I'm imposing on their lives... so it has to be a case of like hubby has a work thing that it becomes political that I need to be there - then we'll ask for babysitting. Good thing we only have one child, huh?

Up until this summer, I felt safe that if something bad happened where I had to leave NOW and couldn't take J along, that our neighbors across the street or next door would be more than happy to help in a pinch... but now both families have moved.
 
For many years I did not. Now I feel like I have several people I can count on. It took awhile for me to get there. I now have my parents close and a couple of babysitters that I can call. I have a couple close friends in the area that I can call if I can't get it covered by the others. Everyone that comes to my house just knows........if you are here, then you are part of the family. I don't make special concessions for "guest". I show them where everything is at and let them make themselves at home. I don't do extra cleaning or worry about dirty dishes in the sink. Again.........took me a few years to get to this place. I had to realize that the stress of getting ready for company took away the fun of having friends over. I slowly had to let go and let people see the REAL life around here.
 
I have to have a support group... Our family is on the other side of the country and DH travels a lot for work, so I need girlfriends! One of the first things I do when we move is get out and meet people so I can get a network up and running as quickly as possible. My house is my house. It's messy. So goes life. I just welcome people to 'the zoo' and move on. We all have our priorities...
 
nope....well actually I have 1 girlfriend that lives in my same neighborhood and she will help me if needed and she is NEVER one to judge :) Luckily I don't need her alot since my oldest is at home, but it is very very hard for Peyton because with his Autism/Asperger's he does not do change well, so I try not to dirupt his routine too much. She doesn't work so if something happens at school or if maybe I need one of them picked up and I can't get there, she will gladly do it for me and she is a point of contact on all the kids school registrations. I have even been able to talk to her about financial things (personal) and it made me feel realy good to have that person to talk to. I also have 5 amazing friends, but only 1 of them has kids still at home and they live about 30 mins away, but I tlk to them about EVERYTHING and they NEVER judge...if my mom wasn't in VA she would be my go to and help me with whatever person, but since she isn't I actually don't have alot of people to depend on. And since Matt and I have never lived close to family since we were married, we have always just depended on each other.....I also had to come to terms and realize "you know what, probably most of Amewrica lives like this cause we all have lives, kids, jobs, stress, dirty dishes, unswept floors and unvaccumed floors"...so I just deal with it......the best part is, my kids NEVER judge and my oldest DD's BF's have seen it all no matter what....I have ocme to terms that they are her friends whether our house is "company" ready or not and they don't judge us :)

eta: Matt's family is about 5 hours away, but neither of us feel like in an emergency that we could get them to help...even though they would, it always feels like a "burden" when we ask. They watched our 2 smallest when they were 3 1/2 and 2 when we went to Vegas for a week (this is before we realized Peyton had Asperger's) and when we got back, they basically told us that they would never watch our kids again, so we have never asked :( and I think that is truly sad, because I always spent the summer with family as I was growing up and they have never once asked for our kids to come stay for a week or spend a weekend with them. It makes me very very sad :(

also Matt's parents will watch the other grandchildren (1 brother has 3 and the other brother has 2) for them to go on vacations or go somewhere to a football game overnight, etc etc....so that makes us feel even worse cause ti feels like they "favor" those brothers simply because they live in the same area.....:(
 
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I just don't get close to people like that...I can't stand for people to know my business. And I'm independent to a fault...asking for help crushes my soul.
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Me too.

I do not have a support group, at all. I have a BIL that lives in the same city but he's not at all available and the rest of our family isn't close in proximity. I have a BFF that would absolutely help in an emergency but isn't really available for day to day stuff, we're in the same city but about an hour apart with conflicting schedules. I have a neighbor that has helped in a pinch a couple of times but I loathe asking and just will not count on it.
 
I am just starting to have people that I can call on in a pinch with the girls. I hate being a burden, but if they tell me they can help, I am going to let them.

My parents live 45 minutes from me. Andy's family is the same. I am blessed to have made some great friends in the girls' school (more in J's class than E) and that I can call or text them to help. I am also VERY VERY VERY blessed to have neighbors that moved in after the house next to ours sat vacant for a year and was flipped. She is a SAHM and the sweetest thing. Her boys love my girls (they are younger)
 
I have my best friend. Who lives about a block away. She's my rock. We spend most every day at either her house or we're at my house. I know no matter what she's got my back. While my parents are about 10 minutes away and Darik's are 3 blocks away, I don't feel comfortable just calling them and asking for "help."

That being said, I kinda prefer it that way. Sure, I'd love to have a teenager or friend I feel comfortable leaving the kids with sometimes, but at the same time, I really pride myself on doing it all myself.
 
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I have two people local. Being so far from family I've learned I have to make a friend incase of emergency. Things arise and with a husband that is not always around/home/in the country I have to have someone else. :/
 
My 2 sisters are my "therapists" but they are 1300 miles away. I talk to at least one of them several times a week and sometimes every day. So that helps with serious issues. I don't have any friends I feel comfortable sharing private stuff with.

And when the boys were little, no, I didn't have anyone I could count on to watch them for things like date nights or shopping. We either didn't go, or took the boys with us.

Now that they are older, and my needs are different, I do have a couple of friends I can call to do stuff like take me to pick up my car at the shop or pick up my boys if I get in a bind. But I RARELY ask for help.

That being said, if someone in our group is very sick/hospitalized or has a death in the family, my friends would step up to provide meals (that's a big thing in our neighborhood) or help out. But still, I'm not that comfortable with them doing that and I usually try to dissuade them from helping me.
 
I always feel like I'm the only person I know IRL who doesn't have family or good friends nearby to help out. While I wish all of you had that in your lives, it's good for me to have to step back and see how many of us don't.
 
No, not really. Sean and I depend on each other, I think because when I was in the service it was just us.

My inlaws live close and my SIL, and if really needed them, they'd be there, like when Keira was diagnosed with cancer.

But I don't really have any good friends, I had one I'd made here, but she's gotten too busy with life.

All my closest friends are either back in Florida or in the military scattered around the world. I'm joining MOPS next week since I have a baby again, I guess it's time to get out there.
 
Kinda. I don't have any family here. That sucks, but I have some friends that would come help me out, but since we work the same hours at the same place, it makes it hard for them to babysit. They do come help out with household stuff though.
 
taracotta7 said:
For many years I did not. Now I feel like I have several people I can count on. It took awhile for me to get there. I now have my parents close and a couple of babysitters that I can call. I have a couple close friends in the area that I can call if I can't get it covered by the others. Everyone that comes to my house just knows........if you are here, then you are part of the family. I don't make special concessions for "guest". I show them where everything is at and let them make themselves at home. I don't do extra cleaning or worry about dirty dishes in the sink. Again.........took me a few years to get to this place. I had to realize that the stress of getting ready for company took away the fun of having friends over. I slowly had to let go and let people see the REAL life around here.
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I love every word you said here Tara. Heaven knows that I do have a problem with panicking every time someone comes to our house. That is because my house growing up was ALWAYS immaculate. Not a thing was ever out of place. My grand mother (she raised me) was such a clean woman that she would roll out all the furniture and everything else (everything) out of the house once a season to wash the house down. We're talking hoses and soapy water all over the place. And for me that is such a high standard that I feel like I'm already a failure just thinking about how I need to be that way too (and how I am SO not). Tara, I don't know how long it took you to do this but if you have any advice for me, preach on sister!
 
nun69 said:
They watched our 2 smallest when they were 3 1/2 and 2 when we went to Vegas for a week (this is before we realized Peyton had Asperger's) and when we got back, they basically told us that they would never watch our kids again, so we have never asked :( and I think that is truly sad, because I always spent the summer with family as I was growing up and they have never once asked for our kids to come stay for a week or spend a weekend with them. It makes me very very sad :(

also Matt's parents will watch the other grandchildren (1 brother has 3 and the other brother has 2) for them to go on vacations or go somewhere to a football game overnight, etc etc....so that makes us feel even worse cause ti feels like they "favor" those brothers simply because they live in the same area.....:(
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OK that is just so wrong and I can totally relate to this. Just the thought of it makes me a little emotional because my children don't really have grand parents that are really there for them. Sure, they come to the birthday parties for one hour and that's about it. The step children are mostly favored and we're just nicely painted on the wall to put it nicely. So I get how you're feeling. So in regards to that, I want you to know that you are not alone and that I know how horrible that feels and how you just have to keep going no matter the choice others make and try to give your children a good life. Hugs!
 
I guess after reading your responses, the more I think about it, maybe I don't have the best extended family in town (heaven knows that) but I do have a few people that are willing to help me if I just open up my mouth, which is VERY hard for me to do. I don't ever want to feel like I am burdening people. And to be honest, that more has come with experience after seeing bad negative reactions from my in-laws after watching my children or helping us with something. And I have good kids, I'm not just saying that. It is very sad though to know that I have "family" in town and can't really depend on them.
 
We don't have any family or friends nearby since we have moved. Even before, our family's each were an hour away and no friends...so no one to ask for help. Plus, I am not very trusting of people so I would not want to ask for help.

The only person I have left my child with (for a very short time) was my sister and that's because I have kept her kids for periods of time. I know that she'd treat my child as her own.
 
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