dating and teens

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jessica31876

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When your children started dating what advice did you give them if any? And is it just like typical teen behavior to completely ignore everything you do say? LOL I mean my daughter has had like five boyfriends in the last two years and went out on dates with alot more(at least four or five other boys were just dates). I told her that she should be friends first and get to know the person really well before agreeing to even go out with them. Thing is she tends to jump in with both feet and then is devastated when things dont work out the way she thinks they will....every...single...time!! So this is kinda like a roller-coaster ride for the entire family. Her last was about a month and a half ago and she was DEVASTATED when he broke up with her and now she is out with another boy and I honestly think she needs some time!! But when I tell her that she just says ok.

(I cannot go by my own life because her dad and I have been together since I was 15 and I never had a parent who cared enough to give me any advice at all)
 
*Disclaimer - I don't have a teenager or even any kids*

I think that if she's not listening now, if you try and push the issue it will make things worse. We all know that you only want the best for your daughter, but sometimes the best means that you let her make her own mistakes, and are there as a shoulder to cry on when she needs it. One day, hopefully soon, she'll figure out what you're saying and understand where you're coming from. Short of barring her from dating completely, I don't see a whole lot of other options you really have. But again, I don't have kids, let alone a teenager. I just know that I was a stubborn teenager.
 
Its not really that I dont want her to date...just maybe be a little more selective I guess. Most of the boys she has went out with as steady boyfriend/girlfriend have been kinda jerky and immature.
 
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they're all jerky and immature ^_^ how old is she? I do kinda agree with col, she has to just learn from her mistakes- and she's a teen, you can repeat the same thing over and over till you are blue in the face... it probably won't make too too much of a difference.
If she was my kid, I would prolly just tell her to cool her jets and that she didn't need to be dating all these people LOL but like I Said, I doubt it would sink in. I wasn't allowed to go out on solo dates till I was older- maybe that would help curb things too? I dunno.. I dont' know how old she is like i said.
 
she's 18 Lauren. She wasnt allowed to date until she was 16. Had a boyfriend about 2 months after turning 16. Each guy with the exception of one who was controlling and abusive lasted like three to five months. The controlling one she broke up with as soon as he started acting like that and that is something Ive told her since she was interested in boys is that she should never tolerate that ever!! So I know she listens to somethings I say. At this point I cannot really tell her she cannot date...(although I kinda wish she would just take a break). So basically what Im looking for is things I could tell her when she comes to me to talk about it. She does talk to me so I know she is interested in what I have to say but I feel like I say the same things over and over. I never had someone to talk to growing up and was moved out and married at 15 soooo I cannot go by my life experience LOL
 
Well it's great that she's coming to you and talking about it. Maybe talk to her about why she's attracted to the types of guys she is? I mean, all 18 year old boys are dumb and immature, but it could be worth a try, lol. Is she only go for hot guys, or jerks, or whatever. Maybe if she sees a pattern for herself, it would be more effective.
Has she opened up about why she's so intent on having a boyfriend? Maybe all her friends do and she's just trying to fit in.
 
well it is good that she's coming to you......... and you CAN tell her whatveer you want LOL even if she was 40. yer her mom, you are allowed to tell her to chill out ahaha. I didn't mean "tell her not to date" just tell her to breathe a lil - nicely, or like I said it.. it doesn't matter how you say it as she prob will try to ignore you anyway :p The one time that my mom was "there for me" after a break up was when it was her friends son.. and just my mom telling me she was in my corner, was enough.. and I still remember it. My point is, it's not so much what you say (we all wish we had wonderful words of wisdom) but just the fact that you are there and clearly have a great relationship with your daughter as she's coming to you... it's the best thing in the long run and she'll appreciate it. Nothing you say is goign to ease any of it, or make her pick the right boys, or the boys to not be jerky. and.. you can say the same thing over and over if she's making the same mistakes over and over :p She can't expect anything more LOL
 
Lauren could you tell her that? LOL She is convinced her being 18 makes her an adult and she doesnt need to listen anymore. I mean mostly she does listen but there are still moments when Im just like GRRRRR because she is being sooooo stubborn about things.

Col Im not sure she thinks she needs a boyfriend or not...that is something I will defenitely talk to her about though when I think she is likely to want to talk about it. She will say oh Im not going to date for awhile and then a month or two goes by and she is going out with someone. A month or two to me is a really short time. Maybe for teens its not. I dont know. Most of her friends are dating or have a boyfriend/girlfriend though.

she has said in the past that she thinks she should be able to find someone like I did with her dad. I tell her I was just really lucky!! But I use that as an example and tell her that her dad is my best friend and if you ask him he would say the same thing and tell her that is what I THINK she should be looking for when she thinks about going out with someone. And yes I think alot of the problem is she tends to date the good looking/jerky guys.
 
she has said in the past that she thinks she should be able to find someone like I did with her dad.
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That's sweet, but as you know, she doesn't need to find anyone YET! She is still so young. I guess my advice to her would be that it's okay to date, but try not to take it all so seriously. She's seen already that most young dating relationships don't last because people are still trying to figure out themselves and figure out other people and what they want in life and no one really knows what they're doing! Instead of investing so much of herself in these relationships, I'd urge her to look at it as "testing out" different types of boys and relationships. She should feel like she's in charge, having fun, and learning about relationships; not like it's some life-long, til-death-do-us-part search or commitment. I know that's easier said than done, but it's all about attitude!
 
Oh, thats a hard situation Jessica! I have no advice really, as I only have a 2 year old daughter, lol.

For me, I wasn't allowed to start dating until I was 18 ("officially" an adult). My parents and religious beliefs didn't allow me to date for "fun", but for the purpose of finding someone to marry. Because of this mentality, I was able to stand back at a distance and really look at a guy before choosing to date. It worked well for me, because my first boyfriend turned out to be the guy I married, and we have been married for 5 1/2 years!

The only peice of advice my dad told me when I was interested in starting to date was to pick a "nerd" because they make the best husbands (he said lovers, but he meant marraige mates in general, lol). And guess what? My DH is a total computer nerd, was never one of those guys who were all hot and they knew it and acted like it (although, he is very good looking, he just didn't realize it, lol), and is the most kind person I know.

I hope your daughter is able to find someone who appreciates her soon!!
 
haha ditto to dating a nerd! My husband is the biggest computer dork, but hes cute as well so while the dorky family guy part is what i find attractive now, the cute part was what i found attractive when i was 19.

I know alot of the reason that i always wanted a boyfriend when i was that age was because it made me feel good! i felt wanted! I always had great parents and friends who always told me how great i was and that i didnt need a boyfriend. But when you meet a guy and he tells you how great you are and you've only just met? Thats a pretty big ego booster. Dont get me wrong, it sounds to me that your daughter has plenty of self confidence and self esteem, but so did i. Its just different when that praise comes from someone who isnt family.

I think its all a pretty normal part of growing up, and there probably isnt alot you can say to her. I know i had to date a few loosers to realise how great my husband was when i met him. It really puts things in perspective. Just encourage her to have fun and not be too serious. And definately be there for her when the jerky guy breaks her heart. And celebrate with her when she does eventually find that perfect guy.
 
everyone thank you! Im really not ready for her to have another boyfriend since her last one was just two months ago but she seems to think she is so I guess we will see. Maybe this one will be a nice guy who treats her well.
 
I dated a lot of guys when I was 18-22. There were some serious ones that lasted a year or so and several that lasted a couple of months or just weeks and I was haertbroken ever single time. I'm so embarassed about myself when I remember now. :) The thing is....dating is how you get to know guys a lot of the time, at least in my world/friends view. It was how we did it. If you met a guy and liked him, you went out with him & got to know him that way. There was no real venue for just hanging out as sorta friends, except study dates with guys from class and guys you worked with. But if the guy wasn't in a class with you or worked with you you sort of had to date them & pretty much that second date meant you were boyfriend/girlfriend.

And it was always about meeting Mr Forever. Always. I thought I met Mr Forever about 5 times before I actually met him.:0 It was tough, it always seemed like everyone else had a relationship but you , though perspective tells me that was not true.

The thing is there was nothing that anyone could have said to me. I had to come to it of my own experience & that was a long time coming. It is great that your DD can talk to you about it. It would have been nice to have had a mom I could talk to about it. My mom got very very tense whenever I tried to talk about guys with her. She was just not comfortable with it, not even just listening & it made me feel awkward. Just having someone to listen and give the general advice, even if I didn't take it, would have been nice. Keeping listening & advising her to take her time, eventually it will sink in.
 
just chiming in that at 17/18 2 months IS a long time :) i say let her do her thing, she needs to figure this out herself...just be there if she does talk to you- and like lauren said- i don't think it matters WHAT you say- just that you're there. :)
 
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