about to lose my mind...please help!

B

beckyritchie04

New member
My son is 14 months old and is so strong willed. He knows what "no" means but he will deliberately disobey. I hate the thought of spanking him but sometimes I feel like that is the only way he will listen to me.

Well, lately when I tell him to "come" he either stands there and laughs or he runs the opposite way and hides. This has to be the most maddening thing he does right now. I just want to pick him up and spank him when he does this. I have tried just standing there until he comes, but I could stand there all day and he won't come. I have tried going and getting him by the hand and bringing him to where I want him. Nothing works.

Has anyone else had this problem? Do yall have any tips that helped? I need some new tricks before I lose my mind.
 
I had this problem with my willful DS. But, I did give him one swat on his butt when he didn't come or when he deliberately disobeyed. He needed to learn what obedience is.
 
I have the same problem with mine.. and he will be 3 in Feb. I have swatted him on the butt, but he laughs when I spank him too. Sigh. Timeout works for us so far.
 
I have this problem with my 13 month old also. He thinks it's a game right now since it's all about peek a boo and hid and seek in his world. I usually just tell him no and go and bring him to where I need him to be. I agree, it is frustrating, but I don't think they necessarily understand that a swat is punishment for doing something wrong at this point, kwim? I don't know that they have that consequences mentality yet. They're just all about having fun. :) Wouldn't it be nice to be one for a day? ;) Hang in there and know that we're suffering right along with you. lol
 
I don't agree, Heather...children know from a very early age when they're doing something wrong and quickly will realize spank/punishment=I did something bad...if you're consistent with the punishment, they figure out to stop the behavior that they're being punished for.

I don't know what to suggest, Becky. I'm a spanker (sorry if that offends anyone) so I would probably go get him, put him where you want him and give him a swat for not listening (make sure that you tell him why, though...be forceful, like "if I say come, I mean come here" or whatever).

ETA: You could try the counting trick...Natalie got this from very early because I did it to Mason while she was a baby and so I think she was about this age when she realized if I started counting 1, 2, 3, she was in trouble. I did it accidentally one day, not thinking about who I was doing it TO and she stopped the behavior before I got to 3...she knew. It took Mason a few tries because he didn't know what would happen when I got to 3, lol. Now this is how we discipline our kids...I start counting and they STOP before I get to 3, because they know that 3 means they'll get a spank.
 
Last edited:
For what its worth he will outgrow it. I do not think he is deliberately disobeying you. Sounds like he thinks it is fun/funny/a game. I would say just telling him no and then going to get him and saying to him "Mommy said come here" after doing this several times he will stop. You just have to be consistent.

ETA:I am not against spanking I just dont think spanking when he is most likely just wanting to play hide and seek or peek-a-boo isnt a good answer. I think the tone of voice you use is also important. If you are saying it nicely he might not be getting the cue that you mean right now. It might seem like you are playing with him and he wants you to chase after him/play the game. Saying it in a 'I mean business' tone with kids sometimes makes a big difference even with a child this young. I know when I use "that tone" as my kids put it they know not to even mess around and to do what is being said right now
 
Last edited:
Ok, so I might have the "unpopular" opinion here, but I'm obviously not worried about that. :)

We spank our children. Not all the time and not for everything. But we do spank them when they "willfully disobey" us. In my opinion, there is a big difference between "childlike indiscresions" and "willful disobedience".

For example, a child who leaves their bicycle laying behind dad's car and dad runs over it. That is an example of a child who did something childish. Not necessarily disobedient.

But a child who, when told to pick up his toys, screams "NO" at his mother and runs away from her is WILLFULLY disobeying her. He's saying, "You're gonna have to MAKE me obey you".

Thats where spanking comes in. First, you need to be sure that your child knows
1) what is expected of him (ie. not hitting his sister, coming to mommy when she calls him, etc)
2) what will happend when he disobeys (ie, timeout, spanking, lost privledges, etc)

And then, when your child willfully disobeys you, you simply say, "If you do not obey me, this will happen (insert punnishment here. We use spankings for our 2-year-old)"

Then, if your child continues to disobey (which he most likely will until he begins to understand that you mean business) simply say, "You disobeyed me, and that is not ok. Now I'm going to spank you (or put you in time-out, etc)".

And (here's the clincher) actually DO IT. Because the #1 hardest thing about parenting is also the most important: CONSISTENCY.

When you child knows whats expected of him and what will happen if he disobeys, he is more likely to make the right decisions.

Of course, this is all just my opinion. But I know what works for me and my children and this is it.
 
The whole "job" of a toddler is to discover and test boundaries. Everything is about figuring it out. You may say no or stop the first 10 times, but they want to see if you will the 11th 12th or 13th time. It is very frustrating, but you need to stay calm, and stand your ground. Whatever your form of punishment is, it needs to be consistent. But just keep in mind....it is his job to learn his boundaries, and he will keep pushing them!
 
Jenny...absolutely the key is consistency. My kids KNOW what will happen if they do/don't do certain things - if they don't eat all their supper, they don't get dessert...if they lie, they get hot sauce put on their tongue...etc. Obviously mine are a bit older, lol...and both of those disciplines started when they were older, lol, but...kids need to know from a VERY young age that you will follow through and be consistent. If you're not consistent with the rules, they'll walk all over them, and it's also confusing for them if they're allowed to do something several times and then another time they get in trouble.
 
jessica31876 said:
For what its worth he will outgrow it. I do not think he is deliberately disobeying you. Sounds like he thinks it is fun/funny/a game. I would say just telling him no and then going to get him and saying to him "Mommy said come here" after doing this several times he will stop. You just have to be consistent.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry, but I totally disagree. Children this age are absolutely capable of understanding what is expected of them and they are capable of choosing to disobey.

This child needs to know that when mommy says COME HERE, that she means it. Not only for the sake of obedience, but for the sake of safety (think running in the street or away in public, etc).

Simply waiting for a child to "outgrow" a disobedient behavior is like telling him "its okay to disobey because you're still young". So, then, at what age are you suddenly going to hold him accountable? On his fourth birthday, are you going to suddenly start punishing him for a behavior that you have allowed since his infancy? It will simply confuse and frustrate the child which will certainly lead to more discipline issues.
 
jessica31876 said:
ETA:I am not against spanking I just dont think spanking when he is most likely just wanting to play hide and seek or peek-a-boo isnt a good answer. I think the tone of voice you use is also important. If you are saying it nicely he might not be getting the cue that you mean right now. It might seem like you are playing with him and he wants you to chase after him/play the game. Saying it in a 'I mean business' tone with kids sometimes makes a big difference even with a child this young. I know when I use "that tone" as my kids put it they know not to even mess around and to do what is being said right now
Click to expand...

Yes, I agree. You always have to be sure that the child is WILLFULLY disobeying you. And, as a parent, you will know when that child is choosing to do the opposite of what he is told. Spanking a child for an unfair or unjust reason is very emotionally hurtful for a child.
And yes, the tone of voice is also important. Especially with young children. Getting down on their level, looking in their eyes, and touching them also help with conveying the message of seriousness.
 
I was never a spanker until the twins came along......it did work for the most part with them!!! Good luck though, I def feel for ya!!! {{hugs}}
 
Thanks for all the input and support. I am not against spanking, I have actually spanked him before. I just don't like it. If something else worked I would rather do that but I am not finding anything that works. He is just so head strong. UGH, so frustrating.
 
Regardless of what form of consequence you choose to use with your kids (and for the record, I use logical consequences and loss of privledges rather than spanking), the average 14 month old is not mature enough to think through if I do X then Y will happen and use that information to make a decision. They're about immediate gratification and doing what seems like fun.

I find that at that age, the best way to deal with this kind of behavior is to make what I want seem like the better, more fun alternative. So if just calling doesn't work, I go get a toy or book and ask them to come over to get the toy. For a while my DS was very into hugging, and he'd run over if I opened my arms wide for a hug, but he'd entirely ignore me if I just called him over. It's incredibly frustrating as a parent, but it's developmentally appropriate behavior.

As for when they do 'get it' and are able to think through their behavior and likely consequences, it varies widely but usually occurs sometime between 2 and 3. My older DS understood before age 2 that he'd get a timeout if he didn't do what I asked before I counted to 3 (for example). My 2nd child is 2.5, and he isn't quite there yet. I can see him getting closer, but threat of a consequence doesn't have much of an effect yet. That's not to say you can't have clear expectations and use consequences earlier--we still tell DS2 what the consequence will be and follow through with it. But at this point we know it won't affect his behavior, just help him make the connection and make better choices once he's mature enough to do so. (As an example, DS2 knows that if he throws a toy it will be taken away. But knowing that doesn't stop him from throwing the toy. There is a point when they reach the age of reason, as it's sometimes called, and then not wanting to lose the toy will actually stop them from throwing it.)
 
Last edited:
I also wanted to add one thing.... I also think 14 months is pretty young to understand a lot of what I mentioned. Granted, he is totally capable of obeying you when you say something, but the whole "actions result in consequences" idea might be lost on him.

But you still have to expect obedience when you say something. When my strong-willed child was that age, and I would call him and he would run away or just ignore me, I would change my tone of voice to a very stern, low tone and say, "you need to obey mommy right now" and then I would go pick him up and take him over to me. If he ran away then I would say, "do NOT run away from mommy" and swat his little hand.

It was a lot of practicing and "learning by doing" types of stuff at that age, but it totally payed off when he was older because he knew what was expected.

The 10-18ish month age range is a tough one. The toughest, in my opinion.

Good luck and keep consistent and it will pay off for you, hon.
 
Lilcameronsmommy said:
I also wanted to add one thing.... I also think 14 months is pretty young to understand a lot of what I mentioned. Granted, he is totally capable of obeying you when you say something, but the whole "actions result in consequences" idea might be lost on him.

But you still have to expect obedience when you say something. When my strong-willed child was that age, and I would call him and he would run away or just ignore me, I would change my tone of voice to a very stern, low tone and say, "you need to obey mommy right now" and then I would go pick him up and take him over to me. If he ran away then I would say, "do NOT run away from mommy" and swat his little hand.

It was a lot of practicing and "learning by doing" types of stuff at that age, but it totally payed off when he was older because he knew what was expected.

The 10-18ish month age range is a tough one. The toughest, in my opinion.

Good luck and keep consistent and it will pay off for you, hon.
Click to expand...


Thank you and I completely agree with you. We are very consistent with him but it is draining. Sometimes I just think "When is he ever going to learn?" I know he will but man it is tiring. Thanks again :)
 
ITA with jenny...always do when it comes to disclipline, but i have to say in general just expecting much out of your children goes a loooooooong way. bend down to his level and with a stern voice tell him that you did not approve of ________ and ________, tell him because of this they are in trouble (add lib with your own mommy speak, of course) and explain why he's going to time out or getting a spanking or whatever and proceed to follow through. then hugs after the discipline is over to remind them it's not personal. i think mostly parents think a one year old is too young. it's a myth. i remember seeing my 6 month old trying to disobey and looking over at me like, 'is this allowed'...they are smart, NEVER underestimate your child. you can do it...we've all been there. best that you nip it in the bud early! never use the excuse...'oh they're only 1'...'oh, they're only 2'...by the time you know it 'they're only gonna be 13' and running the joint.
 
amystoffel said:
But just keep in mind....it is his job to learn his boundaries, and he will keep pushing them!
Click to expand...

i like how you worded this, amy. i would add and say it is the parents job to teach our children their boundries so they can learn them. a lot of parents forget the whole 'teaching a new clueless life how to be a human being' part.
 
I can say outright, punishment will be a problem for me, just FOR that, I know I'll be inconsistent. When I tell him no already (at 11 months) he pouts and flutters his lashes at me and I suddenly feel the need to go "Oh no-I-it's ok baby! Mommy's sorry!" or "Aw now you're just too cute" but I do notice he takes more heed when I say it as opposed to when daddy says it. Daddy doesn't understand the concept of the difference between volume and saying it firmly, in DH's eyes, saying it louder is how you get the message across. All I have to do right now is look at him firmly and say "I said no" firmly and monotone with the eye and he "gets it", he doesn't stop, but he makes it very apparent that he knows that I am not happy with what he is doing. Sometimes he tops, and sometimes he just laughs at me. Stinker talks back. He is definitely already strong willed, though what was I to expect.
 
oh, man. i have control problems with all 3 of my kids. i don't know when i lost it or how to get it back! Aidan will be 2 next month and i am having the same type of problem with him not listening. i tell him no or to stop doing something and he says no right back at me. i do spank my kids, but its a last resort. and it doesn't always work. i do time out for Chloe (she' 5) but it won't work on the younger two; they won't stay put. i suck at this parenting thing, lol.
 
I feel that if the punishment hurts, then the child will learn. When I say hurts, I don't mean physically hurt - I mean hurt whether it be by a spank or the denial of privileges. The key is that whatever punishment you use - make it "hurt" and be consistent.
 
lizzyfizzy said:
i like how you worded this, amy. i would add and say it is the parents job to teach our children their boundries so they can learn them. a lot of parents forget the whole 'teaching a new clueless life how to be a human being' part.
Click to expand...

Well said Lizzy!! If your child doesn't know who's boss, how will he learn the boundaries. You have to establish who the boss is in the home or you'll have utter chaos as is evident in my sister's home. Ugh!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Community platform by XenForo® © 2010-2026 XenForo Ltd.
Back
Top