July Portfolio @29
He Loves Me...He Loves Me Not by Meg Mullens
Flavors of Fall (Alpha) by Meg Mullens
Journaling:
I never thought I’d be a person who would ponder this question. Yet, here I am wondering why I can’t forgive. I mean I was an advocate for forgiveness before 20 years slipped away and you missed out on the people who mattered. Yet, here I sit unable and unwilling to forgive. It’s not everything or everyone – it’s just my family. It’s hard to forgive them when they haven’t said I’m sorry. It’s hard to forgive them when all they do is blame me. It’s hard to forgive them when I’m the one who’s said, “I’m sorry”, for 20+ years when I never did anything wrong. It’s hard to forgive them when all I did was live my live and that was viewed as wrong. It’s hard to forgive them when don’t and won’t listen to what it is I’m trying to tell them. It’s hard to forgive when ideas and words have been forced down my throat and in my head. It’s hard to forgive when my brother in law decided to get involved and voice his opinion. It’s hard to forgive when my family sided with my brother in law. It’s hard to forgive when you see them pick someone else over you and realize they were never on my side to begin with. It’s hard to forgive when I spent 20+ years tying myself up in knots to get approval from my family and constantly getting rejected. It’s hard to forgive when I’m still considered the bad guy who’s caused this family drama. It’s hard to forgive when I was the one who kept the family status quo by always apologizing and when I stood up for myself it fell apart. It’s hard to forgive because I wasn’t the one who was supposed to keep it together by myself. It’s hard to forgive when you were never felt like you belonged anyway. It’s hard to forgive when you constantly question if life would get better if you did. It’s hard to forgive when the answer is always no.
