Journalling~
Like many women, I'm very unhappy about my weight. Something like this photo, taken last weekend on a birthday outing for my son, just reminds me how badly I feel about it. I don't see a family photo; all I see is that roll of fat around my waist that I so desperately wish wasn't there.
I was a slim, fit and active kid until I hit puberty. All those hormonal changes kicked in and from then on I had a weight problem. And despite all my best efforts, I've still got both the weight and the problem.
The thing is, I've lost weight - a lot of weight - twice and made a really good start on doing so a third time as well. But I don't just have my own issues, weaknesses and fallabilities to fight; I've got two chronic health problems as well and I can't really do a think about either of them.
The Chronic Fatigue Syndrome means I can't exercise regularly. In fact, most of the time I can't really exercise at all. I've tried, but every time I attempt to develop some kind of exercise programme, all I do is run myself into the ground and then crash and burn. I've got long term, chronic atypical depression as well. I've seen a clear pattern with that; every time I've regained weight seriously has corresponded with increased depression. The first time was when I developed the illness in the first place. The second was when my medication began failing and I was switched from tricyclics to SSRIs. The third, just as I was beginning to make progress with Weight Watchers in the last 18 months, has led to a change from the straight SSRI to a new, combined medication and I'm still getting settled on that now.
Maybe, once everything stabilises completely, I could do it all again. But I'm tired of the pattern. I'm tired of doing all that work and having my stupid health turn it to nothing. I've had CFS for over 16 years now and depression for about 14. They're winning and I don't feel like I can fight them any more. I don't know if I have the strength of character to do it all again. While still having CFS and being unable to exercise and still have depression - not to mention all the usual challenges that face anyone losing weight. I try to tell myself I don't care, but the problem is that I do.
I just have to look at myself in the mirror the wrong way or see a photo like this one and I know exactly how much I care. But I'm so tired I don't know if I can face the task of doing something about it. And I feel bad about that too.
Credits~
Metal flower from "Flower Garden" by Tracy Ann Robinson; frame from "Sunshine" in the "Project 26" collection by Tracy Ann Robinson; everything else from "Avril" by Shelleyrae Cusbert; fonts are Pea Karen's Script and Jokerman.
