Do you ever feel guilty <parenting>

lauren grier

lauren grier

you're like stars
I know I'm not the only person on the planet that feels this way :p I'm sure most people feel this way :p but it's eating at me. so I'm posting it k? ^_^

So I'm not super mom. I'm not even close to super mom... and I feel like I should be. Obv we all strive to be the best parent we can be... but I want to be perfect .. in every aspect of my life- and clearly, this is psychotic and I can't be.. but it overwhelms me and then I just.shut.off.

I feel like I'm just not good enough for kidlet. ever. I don't play with him enough, I don't hug him enough, I don't bake cookies and bread and cakes enough, I don't take him out and plan activities enough- etc etc etc. And because it's just me in his life, I feel like it's my responsibility to put in 1000000000x more effort than i do and be 10000000000x more awesome.
and yet i suck at it. I'm very much not kid friendly.. most days I don't think I was actually made to be a parent. It's my personality or whatever- and i'm not just making excuses there- really I don't mesh with children... Obviously, I love ce and he knows I love him and blah blah blah- but other kids give me hives yo. So that's always a bit of a struggle (thankfully.. ce doesn't really like people either so that part works out :p )

What i'm hating the most lately. Is I really DO want to spend more time with ce.. doing things.. hanging out whatever. I'm SO busy with other things, bills, working, cleaning, you name it.. that I'm just frazzled. Every day he comes home from school and I just get irritated.. the entire time (stress level the past few months has been um on high.. patience/tolerance on WAAY LOW).. and then he goes to bed, and I feel guilty that I didnt do anything SUPER amazing with him. He wakes up in the AM RIGHT before he has to leave for school.. and then he's home for what.. 5? hrs before we begin the nighttime routine (of hell)- and that's IF we don't have any appointments, or errands, or homework,or other things in the way.

It's just suckage and I feel bad for him... plus the whole- lacking a father in his life bit- is def making things harder on both of us. He feels it i feel it...and I can't fix it - and despite my efforts, I've been repeatedly told I can't personally fill that hole either :p

Anyway. Long babble short. I just want you all to say .. yes yes I feel that way too... and maybe offer some ideas.. anything. I've tried super anal scheduling.. I've tried setting ONE DAY aside a week to be a Ce day.. nothing is helping.. nothing is working. :[ ifail.
 
Ok so I'm not going to be much help for fixing how you feel...because if I had ideas I'd be using them myself.

All I can tell you is....

1) You don't fail. This is the universe's big joke on us that the most rewarding job most women will ever do--being a parent--comes with a heaping helping of guilt over ev.er.y.thing. I lose more sleep over my imperfect parenting than any other thing.

2) YES YES YES every mom feels this way. Some moms just feel this way some days and some moms feel this way EVERY day. It's not you. And there's some magical biological guilt clock that springs into action when kids are asleep. It's annoying, b/c then what can you do except think/try/say you'll do better the next day and then 6 days out of 7 just end up repeating the cycle instead?

For the record, I once woke Nathan up to bake cookies on a night that I felt particularly guilty. He loved it :) Just that one time, and it was kind of magical in and of itself. He was about 5 at the time and he still remembers that night. Realistically though, you just do the best you can every day (which I know you do). And know that you're not alone in feeling this way. Even "that best mom" you see on FB, blog, etc, whatever feels that way.
 
OMG, we all feel this way!!!

I think that the main thing is that your kid KNOWS that you have his back. And, I am sure that CE KNOWS this in his heart of hearts!!!
 
We all feel this way La. The best thing you can do for Ce is let him know you are there for him no matter what and always!
 
La, try not to be so hard on yourself. None of us are perfect, but we all have things that we are especially good at, even when it comes to parenting.

Instead of focusing on the things that guilt you, what are some of the positive things that you contribute to Ce's life? What are you good at?

You are a concerned parent - GOOD
You are an involved parent - GOOD
You are a loving parent - GOOD
You are making LOTS of awesome memories for Ce AND you're documenting them for him - AWESOME!

What else? What else are you especially good at??
 
Sometimes the worry and guilt are just crazy. I'm not a kid person. Honestly, I'm not a people person :p You're a human and not just a mother. We all fail sometimes and the fact that you care about your standards of mothering, in and of itself, shows that you're probably doing a better job than you think.
 
thanks girlies..

and lena- that's def a big part of it -- the seeing other perfect mums (DUDE why do we do that to ourselves?! lol it's totally illogical). I live now, in a community.. fulllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll of those picture perfect moms- and well.. it wears on you.
 
Oh believe me...those "perfect" Moms are soooo not perfect. They have issues all their own. We ALL have issues.

You have to know that perfection is just a facade. Trust me.
 
LenaGardner said:
Ok so I'm not going to be much help for fixing how you feel...because if I had ideas I'd be using them myself.

All I can tell you is....

1) You don't fail. This is the universe's big joke on us that the most rewarding job most women will ever do--being a parent--comes with a heaping helping of guilt over ev.er.y.thing. I lose more sleep over my imperfect parenting than any other thing.

2) YES YES YES every mom feels this way. Some moms just feel this way some days and some moms feel this way EVERY day. It's not you. And there's some magical biological guilt clock that springs into action when kids are asleep. It's annoying, b/c then what can you do except think/try/say you'll do better the next day and then 6 days out of 7 just end up repeating the cycle instead?

For the record, I once woke Nathan up to bake cookies on a night that I felt particularly guilty. He loved it :) Just that one time, and it was kind of magical in and of itself. He was about 5 at the time and he still remembers that night. Realistically though, you just do the best you can every day (which I know you do). And know that you're not alone in feeling this way. Even "that best mom" you see on FB, blog, etc, whatever feels that way.
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Lena, you said it perfectly!

Oh and I love the idea of waking them up to bake cookies! I'll have to try that on a weekend or summer (when sleep isn't quite as necessary!)
 
I plan and plan and do holiday stuff and crafty stuff and STILL feel this way. I always think there was more I could do or more time I could spend with him being a better mom. I always feel like I could be more loving or less irritated by the things a 5 year old does that are so super annoying.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!
 
paperboutique said:
Oh believe me...those "perfect" Moms are soooo not perfect. They have issues all their own. We ALL have issues.

You have to know that perfection is just a facade. Trust me.
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Hey wait a minute...you're ruining my plan by telling her (not!). Seriously, I'm a SAHM and I often live for the days the boys are in school. Even when they are home we have mandatory "alone" time in their rooms because there is only so much of them I can handle in the day. Does this make me bad parent? Nah, just makes me human.

What is he interested in? Does he ask to bake cookies, or does he just want to eat them? Seriously, yes those are fun times, but so are Dr Who marathons with snacks and laughs. Oh and dude...Dad's/dudes (most) don't do this (worry), it must be an estrogen thing!
 
I don't have any kids, so I can't really offer much help. But if it makes you feel a bit better:

My mom was never really a mom who played with us a lot when we were older than toddlers. She was there, cared for us, we showed her our drawings ect, but I cannot remember a lot of occasions that we sat down together "doing" special things. That was more me and the Barbie dolls, or me and my sister or me, sister and barbie dolls (for some reason that last combination never went too well). Yet it never occured to me she might be anything less than super mom.

And we are super close still. I always told her everything and in a few minutes I'm driving to her place to entertain her after a surgery, because she "feels bored". After a work day. With unfinished business on my desk. Because I love my mom to pieces.

I am very sure that's how it will always be with you and Ce as well. Feeling loved is the thing that matters most.

As for the daddy-manly time: Is there some uncle or grandfather or someone like that who can take him out to go fishing or building things or whatever boys do when on their own?
 
Oh La, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, but please don't feel alone . . . I don't know a single one of us moms who hasn't felt the way you're feeling right now at one time or another (most of us LOTS of times).

The bottom line is that, regardless of whether it's raising Ce or anything else in your life, all you can do is the best you can do! And it sounds to me like you're doing that - in the face of some pretty heavy odds, I might add.

If things have been as tense as you say & you know he is feeling it also, try sitting down with him and talking about it. Ask for his input about something the two of you could do together that would be fun but at the same time doable. Having even one positive thing added to the routine can make a huge difference.

You might also talk to him about how both of you could do small things to improve the quality of the time you do have together . . . (these examples are totally made up, cause I don't know the specific issues) like him brushing his teeth the first time you ask him to, or you asking him nicely to do things instead of barking commands. A child is, after all, just a small person - and every person I know responds a whole lot more positively if they have some input into the decisions that rule their life.

I promise you that we have ALL been there. Try not to be so hard on yourself!! :hugs:
 
lauren grier said:
you wanna tell the kid that. LOL
he's been yelling @ me lately for not playing with him enough :p
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I said all they NEED, not all they WANT. ;)

You're a good momma. No matter what you did, you'd never feel like it was enough, so it's counter-productive to beat yourself up over it. Every single one of us is doing the best we can with the situation we have.
 
As always, feel free to completely disregard this post since I'm not a parent. :)

Is there anything specific that you can pinpoint that takes away from the time that you wish you were spending with him? Like, can you pay the bills when he's in bed/at school? Or run all the errands one day a week when he's in school so that you don't have to worry about it a ton once he gets home? Would meal planning help at all (less stress about what to eat/cook for dinner every night)? Is there a favorite tv show one night a week that you could watch together?

Maybe instead of making it a Ce Day, you could do a little bit here and there. If he wants to play dino's, set the timer for 30 minutes and do it. You feel better knowing you made time for him, and he's happy that you played with him. Sometimes it's the little things. Like, I know my Dad came to, and did tons of my sports events when I was growing up, but I also remember that every week he and I would watch Star Trek (or that water world sort of one with the submarine that I can NEVER remember the name of, or whatever other show) together. We didn't do a TON of stuff together ALL THE TIME, but I specifically remember that we would sit down and watch that show together, and it's was really nice. You can't do EVERYTHING, but everything you CAN do is filled with love, and Ce knows that.
 
oh gosh... I don't know anyone who doesn't feel that way... and honestly... all the "perfect moms" on FB or anywhere for that matter, are really great actresses and really great at hiding their "issues" and feelings of not being "perfect"
 
I feel this way all the time. I have the work at home mom guilt is the worst for me. Yes I am a SAHM, but I also have to fit in design time. There is only 6 hrs a week that they are both in school.

This thread did motivate me to make a little jar full of activites to choose from to do with my kids. I am going to try and set aside an hour a day to do an activity. This may not seem like something big...but I really loathe structure, so this is a big step.
 
Jenn Barrette said:
This may not seem like something big...but I really loathe structure, so this is a big step.
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Sounds HUGE to me, Jenn! What we as adults perceive as "little" things are often the most important. Take it from someone who has children older than most of you are, many of their fondest memories involve things that seemed so minor to me at the time. And, as one of this months Life's Little Lessons says, "The greatest things in life are often the simplest."
 
I am also a single mother, I work full-time plus a part-time job. I am often exhausted and spend way too much of my off time doing things I want to do. But I know my child is happy, he's loved, he's taken care of. I may not be super mom, I might not spend more than a few minutes at a time playing with him, we often eat easy kid friendly meals, not great home cooked stuff, we have to miss fun events cause I am working, we dont do play dates, sometimes I feel guilty, but you know what, this is our life. It might not be traditional, but its ours and as long as we both are doing well, it works. So some nights our play involves me chasing him around the apt for 15 minutes, sometimes when he wants baked goods, they are from the store, who cares. Its us and it works, don't compare yourself.
 
This is so me. I work fulltime and most days I come home grouchy & tired & the last thing I want to do is talk to/be with another kid. I've been with 22 of them all. day. long. Then Luke goes to bed and yep- I feel guilty. I've been trying to limit my computer time at night so I can at least play a game or read a book or something with him. Joel is occupied with homework for grad school every night so there isn't much time left for him to do anything.

I guess all that to say... you are not alone ("I am here with you..." oh wait, I'm not singing MJ.). You are a great mom for even worrying about it. I see kids each and every day whose parents could care LESS whether or not they are spending time with them. I think Ce's pretty lucky to have you.
 
you are a much better mom than a lot of those 'perfect' moms anyway. you show your kid affection and you aren't concerned about being perfect. ce's 6, sure he's gonna complain that you don't play with him enough, parents are never good enough until you become a parent yourself.

the little things will mean more to him than the big things anyway, i think. i very specifically remember getting to stay up 1 night (when i was like 5), 30 minutes later than all my sisters and brother to watch some stupid show on the Everly Brothers with my parents when i was a kid. it's seriously one of the best memories i have from being a kid and it was something so silly.

15 minutes a week (even if it's just taking a walk together or something...altho, don't do that now what with all the snow and what not) can be an eternity for a little kid.
 
Oh I feel the same way! It is really hard for me to balance my work time since I do work from home with the play time.

I also feel that I am not a good mom to kids the ages 3-8. I am much better with the little ones and the big ones. The in between ones are where I fail. I have a hard time interacting and understanding that age. This age is also hard because you want them to be so independent yet there is so much they need that depends on you.

This age is tough. Something about boys in the k-2nd grade range that turns them into little balls of stubborn. Not my favorite age.

Have you looked into some after school or weekend activity? Some of the best times I have with my boys are driving to and from sports. We talk about stupid stuff and play silly games. They get my undivided attention and then interaction with peers at practice.
 
I've nothing to add that hasn't already been said, but yup, we definitely all feel the same, at least at times. You are doing a great job (kids will always complain that you don't play enough, etc :p) and seriously, no-one is perfect, we all have our issues.
 
As you know, Rae was recently diagnosed autistic, and it's been such a drain on me. Since she was born, I worked at home, and I feel as if I neglected her and missed so much of her early, formative years. I am finding reasons why I did this, why I caused this (though I realize this is irrational), and I dig down and there's guilt everywhere.

It's so hard. I see other moms here, and other moms (that are fellow scrapbooking friends) who can seemingly do it all, and it's hard, because I feel like I fail. I do think that it's natural for us all to feel that way. We want to do what's best for them, and we want to be everything to them, but we are only human too.

I think worrying about it makes you a good mom. If you weren't, you wouldn't care if you were spending enough time with him. He loves you. Are there any other kids around you that he can play with?
 
Oh honey, we ALL feel that way. I feel it on a daily basis. With what my dd went through last summer, I feel it even MORE so because there's a huge part of me that feels like I should have been able to protect her from all that. As parents, especially single moms, I feel like we're never going to feel as though we do enough. But it's important to have a support system around us. And you know you have that, here at SSD.

One suggestion I would make for you, in regard to there being no male figure for Ce, is look into a big brother program in your area. These programs are fabulous for giving kids a positive role model and someone to hang out with. And in most of them that I've heard about and researched, the big brothers are trained and instructed in how to interact with the kids and they're screened to the nth degree for safety reasons.
 
La- I am so glad you said it all out loud. I have been thinking ALOT lately about all of this. Being on bedrest I have plenty of time to think and feel guilty about everything. I want to be that supermom too. :( Most days I feel like the meanest mom ever! I yell at my kids, because they don't listen, and feel like all I do is boss them around. Life SUCKS! But once in a while there are little moments of hope... hope that they really do know how much I love them, and that I am trying to be a good mom.
 
i think at times all of us mom's go thru this especially the single mom's who have to sometimes do it all...i'm lucky that i have awesome parents that take care of my little guy when i'm at work...they even do homework...which allows me to not have to fight as much when i get home...i have realized that i need to take me time...alone away from my little guy so i can recharge...
 
I'm still new around here, but I wanted to chime in and say it isn't only you! I too have been a single mom for the past 8 years (well in March it will be 8 years). It's HARD. It SUCKS a lot of the time. I had a 15 year old son and a 2 year old daughter when DH was killed and I felt like the worst parent on the face of the Earth for about 3 years. I still think I'm far from perfect - DD and I have a "yelling" relationship - we are way too much alike - LOL. That being said, DS tells me (now that he's a parent) that he doesn't know how I did it, so I guess I did something right since he thinks I was super mom - it's the good stuff he remembers and that makes me feel better. DD and I have our bad moments, but we are a unit bonded by things that most will never understand.

I do have to say that having some kind of routine has helped with DD and I (it's been just the 2 of us for 5 years, since DS graduated and left home). She does her sports and that keeps us busy, and she's done them since kindergarten, but we have a routine at night and that helps (from eating to bedtime).

One thing that we started doing when she was about 4 was having 30 minutes every evening that's HER time. She can choose what we do - a game, reading together, or even just a TV show she wants ME to watch. She knows it's her time to have my undivided attention. Now that she's older she usually chooses to just talk to me about what's going on in her life (she's 10) or tell me about her friends, etc., but it's her time.

Okay, sorry, I didn't mean for this to get so long. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings - it is soooo human!
 
We all feel that way La! I'm not even a single mom and I still feel like we don't spend a lot of time with our kids since DH and I both work full-time. Rather than trying to be "super-mom" every day, which is impossible for most or all of us, maybe try to carve out some special time every week - even if it's only for an hour or two on a weekend day. Plan something or just spend some time doing what he wants. I don't always succeed even at that but I do try to at least actively choose to say "yes" more often, instead of just always saying "not now, I'm busy." Like all last weekend, my son was asking us to do a "treasure hunt" he had planned, and my husband and I kept putting him off because we were busy with other things. I finally realized that I should stop just reflexively saying no, and you know what? It took literally about 5 minutes and made him so happy.

I was brought up mainly in the age of what I heard someone call "benign neglect" -- where our parents basically just told us to "go out and play" and didn't spend a whole lot of time agonizing over "quality time". :D I turned out ok and don't resent my parents for it. I do remember the fun times we spent together, playing board games or doing stuff on weekends, but believe me, they didn't spend a whole lot of time planning activities or learning experiences! I think we are too hard on ourselves these days!E

ETA: oh, and I think that trying to do a whole day devoted to your child is admirable, but way overeaching. I don't know of many adults who can do that regularly and stay sane. :) My son would have us playing Pokemon all day, for example, and my limit on that is about a half hour.
 
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Ugh. U know, I feel like maybe I come across as one of those 'perfect' facebook parents. But it's only because I don't post all the bad stuff! I don't really want a bunch of people I went to highschool with and haven't seen in years thinking that I'm a bad mum cos my kid just threw a massive tantrum, or the fact I'm feeling too selfish to bother playing whatever game he just brought to me... Kwim? No one is gonna post stuff like that, so the idea of the perfect parent is a total crock.

I struggle so badly with being selfish. I'm a sahm, so I'm with my kid 24/7. My husband works two jobs so I can be at home, yet that makes me feel so guilty that I'm not doing a good enough job. I feel like I just have quantity time, not quality time. I feel that even tho my dh only has two hours a day with kiddo, that he is the better parent. He never looses patience or just wants him to go away. Sigh.

Anyway, I don't have anything to say that's actually going to help you, but just know you aren't alone. Mother guilt is the worst, and it's the worst because it's the one thing we care about the most!
 
I have been pretty down about this lately as well. You are SO not alone. As evidenced by all the other amazing mommies in this thread telling you so :) I think that no matter what we do, how great(or not so great) of a day we have with our kiddo, we're always going to feel some level of guilt. I guess we just have to accept that, but realize that as long as our child is happy and we're doing the best we can, that that is all we can do. :) WAAAAAY easier said than done, I know. (((hugs)))
 
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