One-Sided Friendships

[Leah]

I have a friend who I've known for several years now. We started out as acquaintances and have become pretty tight over the years. We've always joked that at one time we were attached at the hip. They are so many things about us that are so much the same, but on the flip side of the coin there are some things that are so different and some that are hard for me to understand.

I am a very outgoing, social person. I can chat-it-up with almost anyone. Some would call me an extrovert. But...I need my alone time. I need my quiet to regroup and get my thoughts together. I have very strong introvert qualities as well. I only have a very small group of close-knit friends and I need to talk with my closest friends when life stresses me out. I need to run ideas past those that support me most.

But sometimes I feel like I need my friend more than my friend needs me. I feel like I am always the one that is reaching out for support. The one that is calling to see how my friend is doing. The one that offers everything I've got - a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, support to no end. The one that would give until I had nothing left.

Maybe that's just me though.

I'm starting to feel very frustrated. I withdrew myself back in the early spring because I just didn't know how to deal with feeling like this. We talked about it, this friend and I, and it felt so weird to be having that conversation. I expressed some of the things that I was feeling, but didn't completely open up. And then things were a little bit better for a while and now...???
I'm not a needy person. I need my space and my family always comes first. But when you've got only a very small handful of people whom you truly value and respect, it only makes sense to keep them close, right?

I once had a friend back in high school that put absolutely no effort into our friendship. I was the one who called. I was the one that made plans for us to go out. I was the one who cared. And I swore that I would never do the one-sided friendships again.

And now there is a little part of me that's saying "Are we doing this again?" But there's a big part of me that really, really values this friendship and would hate for it to be non-existent.

But it's a really crappy feeling.

Gosh...if you've read all of this...bless you.

Have any of you ever been in this situation? How did you handle it?

 

[Misty Cato]

That's hard. It may just be that you two have different approaches to friendships. I grew up a Navy brat in a Navy town, so friends came and went on a fairly regular basis. I'm kind of 'built' to view friendships as temporary things. I'd be totally comfortable living life with my parents, dh and kids. Reaching out to invest in friendships is something I have to make myself do. Although I am always glad when I do it, it doesn't come easy. I have close friends and would be there in an instant if they needed anything. Conversely they've bailed me out of tough spots. I am not the type to pick up the phone just to chat with someone. Anyway, I'm rambling, but I think people can just be built differently with respect to how they go about making and being a friend.

 

[Robin Carlton]

That's hard. It may just be that you two have different approaches to friendships. I grew up a Navy brat in a Navy town, so friends came and went on a fairly regular basis. I'm kind of 'built' to view friendships as temporary things. I'd be totally comfortable living life with my parents, dh and kids. Reaching out to invest in friendships is something I have to make myself do. Although I am always glad when I do it, it doesn't come easy. I have close friends and would be there in an instant if they needed anything. Conversely they've bailed me out of tough spots. I am not the type to pick up the phone just to chat with someone. Anyway, I'm rambling, but I think people can just be built differently with respect to how they go about making and being a friend.

Misty, you just described me to a T! I am exactly like this - I adore the handful of really good friends that I have and would do just about anything for them. But I can go weeks without talking to them and I am TOTALLY not the type to pick up the phone just to chat either.

It's kind of reassuring to know I'm not an anti-social freak of nature

R

 

[krystalhartley]

I'm like your polar opposite. I need my husband and my kids and God. That's it really for me. I'm not shy, but I prefer to be alone with my family. I am independent to a fault and rarely (and I do mean rarely...ask my sisters)...make an effort to talk to others and definitely don't ask for help. The only time I've not flat out turned intentionally helpful people away was when my mother died suddenly right before her 51st birthday. I let people help with the food for after the funeral. That's it.

I have a "friend" who I've known since college, and it was (imo) a one-sided relationship (as I let it dwindle over the past few years). She always needed something from me, and I always felt like I needed a nap or vacation any time we chatted or got together. Maybe she saw me as the bad guy in that relationship though...since I didn't make the first move or "need" favors from her. /shrug

Don't get me wrong--I'm friendly and compassionate. I just have different (and thus pursue different) friendship requirements.

 

[crystalbella77]

oh this is hard!! People are all so different.

I am pretty quiet person. I feel awful bugging people or talking about myself most of the time, so in general I just wait for people/friends to approach me and I usually end up with those friends that will only hit me up when they need something or want to talk about themselves because I just don't bring myself up without it being asked. So I think that to some people I might come across as snobby or cold or something when really I am just insecure, lol! That's just how I am though. I can talke and talk and talk and in general I am very happy go lucky person, but it's different for me with friends somehow. I have learned to just let people come and go as they please and I am the shoulder when someone needs it most of the time or I help out if someone needs something. I figure that's just how it is for me...and I have no idea how to change that! LOL

So yeah..that was just a lot of rambling with no helpful advise at all huh? I'm sorry! I really hope that you can find a good balance with your friend and if you talked about in the past maybe you could try again?? GL sweetie!

 

[crystalbella77]

I'm a lot like krystal! She's much more eloquent than I am...but I can relate to everything she said. Other than that I am NOT an independent person so it is hard for me at times, but I can't bear the thought of being someone's burden ever...so that's why I hold back a lot. Only a couple of times have opened myself up and gotten help without someone offering it first. It's just hard for me and I feel really awful when I do.

 

[joelsgirl]

I generally play the role of your friend in my friendships; I totally value the relationships, but I just suck at making effort. I appreciate it so much when my girlfriends call and make plans for us. I promise to know make more of an effort to make them feel appreciated.

I hope you are able to find a solution that you feel right about!

 

[jocelinsmommy]

That's hard. It may just be that you two have different approaches to friendships. I grew up a Navy brat in a Navy town, so friends came and went on a fairly regular basis. I'm kind of 'built' to view friendships as temporary things. I'd be totally comfortable living life with my parents, dh and kids. Reaching out to invest in friendships is something I have to make myself do. Although I am always glad when I do it, it doesn't come easy. I have close friends and would be there in an instant if they needed anything. Conversely they've bailed me out of tough spots. I am not the type to pick up the phone just to chat with someone. Anyway, I'm rambling, but I think people can just be built differently with respect to how they go about making and being a friend.

I like Misty..am probably the same...as an Air Force brat...all my friendships were temporary things...even now I feel like they're temporary, which sometimes causes problems for the friends that I have, that like you want a friendship like that, and it's very hard for me to "give" that back. it's not that I don't want to, it was more I was raised that way and it's hard to change things. That's something that DH and I don't see eye to eye on since he grew up in a little town with the same people doing the same things etc all his life where as in I can't remember where my last best friend went off too....So I guess with my ramblings what I'm trying to say is some people don't know how to show things even when they may want to...**HUGS**...

 

[jorgies5]

I generally play the role of your friend in my friendships; I totally value the relationships, but I just suck at making effort. I appreciate it so much when my girlfriends call and make plans for us. I promise to know make more of an effort to make them feel appreciated.

Yep, me too.

I am really good at convincing myself that my friends or people I would like to be friends with are too busy, or that I would be bothering them, or they already have enough friends...etc. I have always considered myself as shy and socially-challenged, so the reciprication has always been hard for me. I also consider myself very independent. I really just like doing my own thing.

 

[krystalhartley]

Ah...yes. We moved all the time (not military...just crappy childhood, I guess). I made "friends" easily wherever we went, but they were history with the next move.

 

[Leah]

Maybe I'm the whacked-out weird one then? LOL J/K

What you all are saying makes perfect sense.
I'm not the type of person to go into friendships with huge expectations. My friend and I have both never had close friends like this. Growing up, I had lots of friends, but none that I was really close with. My friend didn't have many friends growing up at all.

My friend and her husband are extremely close and are very protective of their time together. My husband is never home because he's always working and we have 3 children. I'm content out here on my 8 acres with no neighbors close by and I can go days without seeing a soul (except for the little midgets that live here), but then there are other days where I long for adult interaction.

But it's good to know how the other side feels. It's good to know that it's nothing personal...maybe just personality. I just don't know why I'm feeling like this now and not last year or a couple of years ago??

 

[Sue Setiadji]

Golly geeeeeee - I feel like Im reading my biography! Another one here that can go for ages and not pick up the phone - when I meet up with old friends it seems to feel as comfortable as it always had tho. Things seem to get worse after you create your own little circle with family. I have recently "lost" a friend who I figure may have felt the same way you did but I wouldnt really hav a clue if thats the case. Anytime she rang to catch up I loved it but I always listened to her rather than the other way around. Her life was always busy busy busy or thats how she always made it out to be so I never bothered ringing her cos I didnt want to interrupt her busi-ness. Things had happened in my life that took her 5 years to notice - I really think I was mostly just an ear. Id do anything to help anyone out if they just asked but Im not a seeker in that way - also too independant I guess!!

Id just follow up by saying that it may seem strange but I really do value the type of relationship you are describing - even tho I probably wouldnt be the chaser - Id be happy to be continually "caught" and hooked up with - without ever thinking there was anything wrong with that!! I dont like imposing on people but I never ever feel like Im being imposed upon!! Weird huh!?!

 

[kristine]

This is a really hard situation. I admit I can be pretty bad, and can go months without talking to some of my closest friends (but there are some I speak to everyday, just because we live really close or our kids play together). Luckily I have a really close group of friends I have had since school, and we are all pretty much the same, so noone gets offended if we forget to call on a birthday (although facebook has helped with that), yet we all know if we really needed something everyone would be there in an instant.

I think some people feel uncomfortable sharing too much of themselves,and I also think that most people, especially with young kids, have so much going on in their life these days that friendships often take an unitentional backseat. I know I can sit at work and think, oh, I have to call that person because it's been ages since I spoke to her, but then I go pick the kids up, take them to activities, or they have friends over, there's dinner, homework, getting everything ready for the next day and attempting to make the house look decent, and then suddenly it's bedtime, and I forget again. I don't mean to not prioritize my friends, but sometimes it just happens.

 

[Nettio]

Yep, me too.

I am really good at convincing myself that my friends or people I would like to be friends with are too busy, or that I would be bothering them, or they already have enough friends...etc. I have always considered myself as shy and socially-challenged, so the reciprication has always been hard for me. I also consider myself very independent. I really just like doing my own thing.

Can I just say it makes me feel better knowing there are other people who think the same way I do? Seriously, this is so me. I always figure other people are either way busier than I am or already have a million friends. I think it's just tough to put yourself out there especially if you've been burned before. It's like weird awkward dating but with more complicated rules. I'm trying to be better about it though.

To the OP: I'm with Sue, Id be happy to be continually "caught" and hooked up with - without ever thinking there was anything wrong with that. I've had friends like that and while maybe it totally annoyed them, I always did value those friendships. I guess I wouldn't give up on her quite yet.

 

[Nathalie]

Another one who moved around a lot, so never had those really, really good friends. As a teenager and young twen I missed that a lot. So I tried to find such a good friend so hard that it always ended in a disappointment. I basically gave up, started my own family and was happy. We moved from Germany to Australia, no family or close friends to support us. Over the last 4 years a friendship has grown and it is funny what some people think, because they see that we are close friends they think we are doing things together all the time. But is is the opposite, we don't and it can happen over the holidays of a couple of weeks that we don't catch up at all. She has not only a big family but also lots of friends and not always time and we are busy in our own way. But it doesn't matter! We both know we can count on each other and we jump up in the middle of the night if we have to. Now that I am back at school she helps me a lot by bringing the kids to school 4 days a week, she is a gem! I barely do things for her but only because she doesn't ask and she says, she has her family to help her out. I do offer my help but if she doesn;t want my help, so be it She is a very good friend and I hope, I am too. But we both say that we don't have to talk or see each other every day to be a good friend. When we do, we just continue were we stopped

 

[NettieB]

I always figure other people are either way busier than I am or already have a million friends. I think it's just tough to put yourself out there especially if you've been burned before. It's like weird awkward dating but with more complicated rules. I'm trying to be better about it though.

think Jenny and Lynette hit it on the head for me, too. Especially the wierd awkward dating part - sometimes it's like there was a class in kindy where they took all the girls aside and taught them the secret handshake and I was either outside playing kickball with the boys or was sick that day ...

sometimes it just doesn't click. not on you. not on on her. just not there. because our time is so valuable and limited, it makes it more frustrating when this happens, but it still happens.

The hard part for me is not to just crawl back into my little world of just me, my kid and DH, and the BFFs via the long-distance telephone, but still Get Out There.

 

[alien21xx]

I think I might be the anti-social friend kind too. I very very rarely go out, ring up or talk to my friends much. But maybe it's because over the years we've been friends, we've moved on to different interests. I still meet with them and stuff when I'm in the country, but I guess I've found that we also have different concerns now and it's sometimes hard to relate to their concerns about children, budgeting money for their families and such, when my concerns are more about budgeting my me time with my (very demanding) job.

It's probably because of this that I don't have many friends to begin with, and generally prefer to hang out with family, as I find that they can relate to my concerns better.

 

[emmasmommy]

Leah, I am so totally with you in so many ways. I value my quiet time but I really value my friend time as well. I often get down on myself because I want so much to hang out and even just talk to my friends but I don't want to "bother" them. I know that everyone is busy, but I'm really good at convincing myself that they just don't want to talk to me because I *insert stupid self-hating comment here.* I'm a naturally extroverted person when it comes to my close friends and I don't have a problem going to them, but when they don't come to me, it hurts. It's been nice to read everyone's responses because it really does make me feel better. I've always been a friends and family are the most important part of my life kinda gal, and I have a very hard time when my friends don't include the friends part.

Wow, I'm rambly! LOL Did that make any sense?

 

[ColleenSwerb]

So, I had a best friend in high school. Her BFF from growing and going through all the school year (2nd-8th) went to a Catholic High School instead of ours. So this friend kinda latched onto me. And that was fine. She was fun, and her bff was fun, we would all hang out a lot. During HS it seemed normal for me to only go hang out there, I wanted to escape my house so it was no big deal. She rarely came to my house, she rarely made the plans. I was the one to call and say "hey are we still doing or that?". Like I said, it seemed normal. Then we went off to separate colleges.
Naturally, as some friendships go, we drifted apart a little bit, but I was ALWAYS there for her. Always. That's just who I am as a friend. when he father passed during our freshman year, I re-scheduled a major test to come home for her funeral. I did a reading at his funeral mass. I was like another child to her family during high school. We had a christmas tradition of getting together christmas eve and going to midnight mass, and then exchanging presents. Then in the spring or freshman year, my bff from childhood passed unexpectedly. She wasn't there for me, and I resented it. After all I had done for her, all the times I had been there for her, she wasn't there for me. The rest of college we continued to drift apart. Whenever we talked, it was 30 or 40 minutes of her talking about herself, and then when it was "my turn", she suddenly had no more time to talk and had to run. More resentment. Whenever I tried to make plans when I was home, she was busy/didn't call back/etc etc etc. More resentment. When my grandfather passed in my senior year, she (and her bff) didn't come to the funeral because it was raining and her mom wouldn't let her drive. :glare: That was pretty close to the straw that broke the camels back. I stopped making an effort, and the relationship pretty much withered away and died. I knew it was over when I didn't even think of her after Jordan proposed.

On the flip-side, I had another bff in HS. She's one of my bridesmaids. We talk once a month if we're lucky. We're both busy, neither one of us is good at picking up the phone and just chatting. But there's always effort on both sides. We always try and get together when were in the area (we live 3.5 hours apart now). And when we do get together, it's like no time has passed at all.

I think that the key to your whole post (now that I've rambled on ridiculously) was when you said "But there's a big part of me that really, really values this friendship and would hate for it to be non-existent." That's really all the answer you need. You know in your heart you're not ready to give up on this relationship. Now the hard part, is figuring out how to make it more balanced. Could you try and schedule a monthly night where you can get together? Go to a coffee shop for an hour and just relax and hang out together? Or maybe every few weeks give her a call and pick a night to go to dinner? All friendships are different, but sometimes they take a little work to get back on track.

 

[MamaBee]

All through my childhood I had my Mom constantly telling me not to be a follower... be your own person, don't get caught up in the drama because in 10 years you won't even remember these people's names. I also prided myself that I wasn't in a click in High School but if I was in a situation I had "contacts" with the jocks, the alternatives, or the geeks... and would have someone to talk to. Then I got to college where my number one goal was to get out of college and had a really bad roommate experience.

So now that I'm "grown up"... it's really hard for me to make friends to begin with... since leaving work, those true friends are slowly stop emailing or calling... are they jealous that I get to stay how with my kiddo, or what? I don't know... they are so busy with their lives... golfing, bowling, etc... and I sit home since we are a family of three living on my hubby's income... don't get me wrong, I won't change the chance to be home with kiddo... but I do get lonely... yet I'm sick of people always planing things (without including me on the plan) and assume that I can make it because I have no life and then get ticked when I have something else going on....

So, I guess I'm getting more like what Krystal said... I only need my family to complete me... I do miss have girltalk, but now I'm at a different stage in my life and those that I meet, mom's of toddlers, either look down at me because my hubby isn't a doctor... or because I don't feed my kid Evian water I'm a freak. I'm a nice normal person... what's wrong with me? I had to beg my sister in law to add me as a friend on face book so I would have one!! *sigh* another outlet to reject me...

So, will you be my friends that I don't have in IRL???

 

[Lyd]

This is actually something I've been thinking about over the last few days. It's really interesting to read all of your responses. I went through a period of about 6 years between the ages of 9-15 when I really didn't have any friends at all (the Jr. High years - ugh!). But, during my junior year of high school, I made one very special friend and by the end of high school, I had a large group of amazing friends. I think going through that time when I had no friends has made my friendships incredibly important to me.

As I go through the phases of life, I make new friends and the level of involvement with certain friends ebbs and flows. But, I am VERY reluctant to just lose touch and let friends go out of my life forever, as is evidenced by my Facebook account - friends from Elementary School, high school, college, work, the Philippines, Tucson, choirs I sang in, scrappers, church groups, etc. - it really does represent my whole life. And, I LOVE having one particular girlfriend that knows EVERYTHING about me and who loves me and understands me just the way I am. I've had several of these through the years.

Since we moved to Tucson in 2002, I have felt the lack of a special girlfriend in my life, and since moving back to Utah in 2007, I still feel it even though my sister and I are very close. I was telling DH just the other day that I need a friend. I think he thinks that's a little silly because I have a lot of friends. But, I mean that I need that one special friend who really relates to me and will listen to me anytime, love my kids, and be involved in my life. And, in return, I would do just about ANYTHING for my friends.

But, having said all that (I talk to much!), I almost always feel that my friendships are more important to me than they are to my friends. I can count on one hand the number of friendships I've had where I felt like they were equal, so I feel like I can really relate to what you're saying, Leah.

Oh geez, you guys got me talking again. I'll stop now.

 

[nun69]

This is a really hard situation. I admit I can be pretty bad, and can go months without talking to some of my closest friends (but there are some I speak to everyday, just because we live really close or our kids play together). Luckily I have a really close group of friends I have had since school, and we are all pretty much the same, so noone gets offended if we forget to call on a birthday (although facebook has helped with that), yet we all know if we really needed something everyone would be there in an instant.

I think some people feel uncomfortable sharing too much of themselves,and I also think that most people, especially with young kids, have so much going on in their life these days that friendships often take an unitentional backseat. I know I can sit at work and think, oh, I have to call that person because it's been ages since I spoke to her, but then I go pick the kids up, take them to activities, or they have friends over, there's dinner, homework, getting everything ready for the next day and attempting to make the house look decent, and then suddenly it's bedtime, and I forget again. I don't mean to not prioritize my friends, but sometimes it just happens.

THIS is totally my life..luckily I work with all of my close friends so we chat on a daily basis~and that is really great~but being in the Navy has made me realize that friendships are temporary, but can also be life long no matter where you go~I have made at least 2 lifelong friends at every duty station I have been at~

 

[joelsgirl]

What did you ever decide to do, Leah? I think I have changed my opinion; it is really an awful feeling to feel like you are always a bother to someone you love. And it's an equally awful feeling to say, "Why don't you want to be my friend?" I cant decide which is worse, to just accept the loss of a friendship but maintain your personal dignity or to put yourself out there for someone who might not even notice if you were gone. I can't decide what to do, so I am really curious to hear what you have decided and how you feel about your decision.

 

[Leah]

What did you ever decide to do, Leah? I think I have changed my opinion; it is really an awful feeling to feel like you are always a bother to someone you love. And it's an equally awful feeling to say, "Why don't you want to be my friend?" I cant decide which is worse, to just accept the loss of a friendship but maintain your personal dignity or to put yourself out there for someone who might not even notice if you were gone. I can't decide what to do, so I am really curious to hear what you have decided and how you feel about your decision.

I haven't made a decision either. This isn't a friendship that I am willing to give up and live without. But rather than being the one to always "go" to her, I will make a conscious effort to let her come to me when she needs to. I have to make a conscious effort to lower my expectations of her and back off. I hate feeling like a constant bother. Learning from most of you, that there are lots of people out there that are like this, chances are it's not how she feels, but rather more in her personality and how she is hard wired. I can't fault her for that.

Things are going to change between us very shortly and for the long-term. She is expecting their first baby. They are very much "inside" people, private people. So once baby is born, I don't anticipate seeing or hearing from her much. And that's okay, I'll be here anyway. I couldn't be more happy for them. They deserve this. However, on the flip side of the coin, it will be a new experience for them and possibly, I may be the one that is "needed" for support and advice, etc. instead of always the other way around.

If this friendship didn't mean as much to me as it does, I'd be done with it. I don't have time to sit here and analyze the meaning of our friendship. And I certainly don't enjoy feeling like this.

However, she is one of my very best and closest friends and I truly value that. While we are different in some ways, we are so very much the same in others. I am not willing to give up this friendship, so I will make the effort to not take it personally.