wwyd..

[lauren grier]

first, let me say this is a very touchy subject for me because of past experiences, so please don't take the way this may come out as me not caring .. I'm just hesitant..

So, the people that live beneath me and I .. arent exactly pals (they use to live next to me) they're loud, and tbh the man scares me a lil bit. I don't let him know he scares me LOL.. but he's a big muscley dude and well I'm all alone. He's always been nice to me but he's also almost always high or drunk too..
Anyway.. I'm pretty certain he's abusing his wife/girlfriend/whatever she is. I thought he was when they lived next to me.. but now that they're under me and it sounds like she's being thrown through the walls, and sometimes I can hear her screaming- and I know the difference between angry bickering and terrified shrieks (and that of sex.. lol this is def not sex).. I'm pretty convinced. Now.. in my building, I'm already in charge of calling the police, as I'm the only primary english speaking tenant-- and they're all afraid to call or something. Housing has already asked me to call on specific occassions in the past.. I'm ok in that respect.. Usually lately though, by the time I go to the phone, everything has gone completely calm, he leaves.. or I see her and she's ok.. something.
She and I had a lil... spat if you may a few months ago. Ce was having a major meltdown and she came up to complain that her baby was getting scared cause he was being too loud (note.. these people blast music till 3am half the time so I was pretty peeved @ her ).. I WANT to talk to her, to make sure she's ok.. but I'm not really sure how to go about it. Whenever she is alone she ALWAYS has her two kids with her (I'd guess around 3-4, and a newborn), so it's not like I can just blurt out yo is your husband beating you- plus like I Said.. this chick doesn't like me... but now that I'm thinking, it may just be because of what she's going through (she does the typical like.. no eye contact.. really cowering type of behavior lately.. ).
So wwyd? I'm not the neighborhood friendly girl so it's weird for me to just go up to a person.. should I wait till I See her outside so I know the man isn't around? There's that whole other factor about being alone in my apartment too.. Every once in a while I get that whole paranoid I'm a single woman in a scary scary world thing going on..
sorry this got all babbly.. I'm just worried about her.

 

[nun69]

wow La...that sounds pretty intense...personally, since you don't know them very well, I would call one of those abuse hotlines and actually ask them for some advice...just tell them you are a concerned neighbor and are wondering how you could go about chatting with her without trying to be too nosey...I think if I knew them better, then it would be an easy call because you would KNOW that something was wrong....the only problem with calling the cops is, if she is TRULY being abused she is going to deny it to them...the sad part of being an abused woman, I'm afraid...you would almost have to witmness it to really report it...other than that, I am not sure... so I feel for ya....

 

[kresta]

Okay, I read this thread a little while ago and didn't really know what advice to give, so I didn't. But just now I saw like 32 views or something, and only 1 comment. So I'll give the only advice I can think of.

Maybe try to build a little rapport (sp?) w/ her. I think your intentions are very good. But you're right to be cautious. I think the fact that you've previously had a spat and the fact that y'all don't really talk would probably keep her from opening up to you.

Maybe you could just start by smiling at her or saying "hey." After a few days of that, maybe a little more. But genuine, of course. Maybe after a couple weeks of just saying hey, you can strike up a conversation with her. After a while of talking with her, she may start to feel that you're someone she can trust. I would highly doubt she would tell you she needed help without trusting you first.

 

[lauren grier]

thanks girls.. and really, it's totally ok I didn't get a million replies LOL. it's a tough topic & I know sometimes you (general) just don't know what to say. I'll try what you suggested kresta, being nice and friendly with her etc. I'm not mean to her ^_^ but I def don't like go out of my way to try to socialize with her.

 

[jaylensmom]

i would be very cautious because if she is being abused she doesn't appear to be leaving her boyfriend and you never know how she will interpret your concern or how she'll relay that to her boyfriend...it's a complicated situation because you want to help but you don't want to end up in the middle of a domestic situation...also you're assuming that she is going to be trusting...if she's being abused i assume her boyfriend wouldn't want or allow her to be friends or too friendly with anyone...ok that so didn't help i know...

 

[joelsgirl]

I just keep thinking that her life could be in danger, and you could be the person who saves it. In fact, you might be the only one who even cares. If she were my sister, I would want you to do something, even if you don't confront the issue in your first conversation with her. For the sake of her children, I feel like you really need to pull together all of your courage and go be her friend, even if it takes your best acting to be friendly.

But then again, i have never been in that situation nor have I loved anyone who was being abused, so I really have no idea if I am giving you the right advice.

 

[jessica31876]

I would just go up to her and say "Look I think we got off on a bad footing/first impression but I would like to introduce myself" and then tell her your name and ask if she would like to come over for a glass of tea or a cup of coffee OR if you see her out with her kids strike up a conversation about one of her kids like "Oh I see you have a baby...he/she is so cute. What's their name...how old are they" It is always easier to strike up a conversation when talking to someone about how cute their kids are LOL. Then take it from there and try to build a friendship in order to find out if she is ok

 

[CA Dreamer]

I would just go up to her and say "Look I think we got off on a bad footing/first impression but I would like to introduce myself" and then tell her your name and ask if she would like to come over for a glass of tea or a cup of coffee OR if you see her out with her kids strike up a conversation about one of her kids like "Oh I see you have a baby...he/she is so cute. What's their name...how old are they" It is always easier to strike up a conversation when talking to someone about how cute their kids are LOL. Then take it from there and try to build a friendship in order to find out if she is ok

I am thinking that this is the way to go. Since you have had some not-so-nice interactions with her before, maybe try to keep the focus on that. If she is feeling comfortable with you, she will probably be receptive to advice/questions as time goes on. I had a friend who was totally being abused by her husband(she had a 3 yr old and an infant). If the guy is on drugs/alcohol, do not underestimate the risk to you and ce if he gets mad and focuses all of his craziness on you guys. Bllind, substance induced rage is not pretty. His checks and balances of right and wrong are not intact! I am not trying to scare you, sorry.

I wonder if you can talk to the police so that they know what is going ahead of time? Maybe they would respond quicker if they had an inkling of the magnitude of what is going on? I know from my friend that this woman also needs to be receptive and ready to getting help. If you call the police and they come and she says she is fine, they may leave unless they see/hear it themselves or unless she needs emergency medical attention. Are there any women's shelters in your city--ones that takes kids and has room readily available for crisis situations? Also, domestic violence hotlines. Maybe if you get that kind of info ready, after talking to her for awhile, she would be receptive to listening. Realize that she can't have pamplets and stuff around. If he sees them it may set him on a rage of and/or may direct his anger on you.

Good luck. Sorry for no specific help. It is really a tough situation. In my friend's case, we had an emergency plan(extra clothes stashed somewhere/diapers/formula/important docs) so that when she needed to go, she could GO. But this can only happen if she WANTS the help--although it is easy to see that she NEEDS the help. Be careful. You are a good person to just not close your curtains and plug your ears.

 

[Sharon Kay]

wow La...that sounds pretty intense...personally, since you don't know them very well, I would call one of those abuse hotlines and actually ask them for some advice...just tell them you are a concerned neighbor and are wondering how you could go about chatting with her without trying to be too nosey...I think if I knew them better, then it would be an easy call because you would KNOW that something was wrong....the only problem with calling the cops is, if she is TRULY being abused she is going to deny it to them...the sad part of being an abused woman, I'm afraid...you would almost have to witmness it to really report it...other than that, I am not sure... so I feel for ya....

I like the idea above! Bless you for caring even though they haven't been good neighbors to you. :hugs:

 

[chloe]

wow La...that sounds pretty intense...personally, since you don't know them very well, I would call one of those abuse hotlines and actually ask them for some advice...just tell them you are a concerned neighbor and are wondering how you could go about chatting with her without trying to be too nosey...I think if I knew them better, then it would be an easy call because you would KNOW that something was wrong....the only problem with calling the cops is, if she is TRULY being abused she is going to deny it to them...the sad part of being an abused woman, I'm afraid...you would almost have to witmness it to really report it...other than that, I am not sure... so I feel for ya....

I think too it would be a good idea to call those hotlines. You can expose the whole situation and have a personalized advice. I also liked Jessica's advice to get in touch with the girl. It's definitely a touchy situation and you are really brave to be ready to deal with it. Just make sure to stay safe yourself first, abusing men can be really dangerous to people that are trying to help their victims. I don't want to scare you out by telling this, but my mom is a psychologist and once helped a family whom mom was abused... she got life threats by the husband when he once lost his temper. Luckily it happened in her office and her collegues were right there to help and testify. He got in jail. Anyway, good luck and congrats for caring about her.

 

[gandcsmama]

I agree with Kresta and some other posters. I think you should make an honest try to befriend her and eventually talk to her about what you hear. What a scary situation to live near, but I commend you for taking notice and wanting to help. I would also keep you eye out for signs of abuse on her or the children.