Another WWYD

ajf9597

ajf9597

New member
Ok, first I apologize for the long book here

We found out this past week that our 18 year old niece is getting married in May, like a week after she graduates. Not a huge deal, I was 18 when I got married and so was my mom, so it's not like I can say anything to stop her. Then we find out she's marrying a 29 year old who has a 6-8 year old daughter. AND they've been dating since my niece was 15...WHAT??? They work at the same place, so I know that's how they met, but seriously it's not like my niece looks older than she is, she actually looks younger than she is. So I'm thinking, ok I know age difference really doesn't matter anymore, but really a 26 year old picking up a 15 year old?? I've noticed this last year with her that she's not been wanting to be around any of the family. My BIL doesn't have custody of her, so she lives with her mom and she hasn't been to his house in over 2 years because she works on the weekend and won't make the time to see him. Normally when I call her she always answers or calls back, I have been trying to call her and text her and no response. I even drove past where she works and watched her leave with this guy, tried to call her and she wouldn't answer. There are some other instances that we've found out about that just keep adding up and my gut tells me that she is not making the right decision. I want to talk to her, so that she knows I will support any decision that she makes, but I really think she needs to take a step back and really think about what she's doing. And now that she won't call me back makes me think there is something else going on. My mom was going to work at 5:30 in the morning and her house is on the way to mom's work and her car isn't there. So she's obviously staying the night with this guy already and her mom has not even said anything like that to my BIL, which I think she should. I'm debating on just showing up at her work or waiting for her outside just so she has to talk to me. I think she's scared to tell us about him, but honestly if you are marrying this guy you're gonna have to tell us about him at some point. And really I want to support her in her decisions, but she's making it really hard when she won't talk to me. I am almost making myself sick over the whole thing, worrying about her. So should I keep trying to call, show up at work or just leave her alone?
 
I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to share that I was in her shoes. I started dating my husband when I was 16 and he was 30. We got married when I was 17 and will celebrate our 15th anniversary next year. ;) AND he'd been married twice before and had 2 children.

In my case, I got *really* sick of well-meaning people telling me to take a step back think about what I was doing. Now looking back, I see that I looked completely insane, and I would never encourage my daughter to do what I did. I completely understand why everyone was so worried. BUT at the time, the people who tried to give me advice were really just alienating themselves because I avoided talking to them at all costs. I lost contact with a lot of friends and family because I was sick of hearing unwelcome advice.

So I guess I said all that to say that even though you're concerned about her, she IS 18, and she has to make her own choices. And while it may look like a disaster to you, I'm living proof that it isn't always a bad thing. ;)
 
i agree with Libby. while at first glance it's like "oh wow-he's way older!" i thought that too, lol. but after reading what Libby said, you never know. he may be a really great guy! maybe she is just afraid of peoples reactions so she's avoiding people until she's ready to talk? you should definitely try to talk to her in person though, just to ease your mind. hopefully, things are okay with the situation and she's happy!
 
That's a tough one. Is it like a store or a restaurant that you could just "stop by" casually? Maybe if you could just approach her like that and say you'd love to get together for lunch/coffee/whatever sometime, she might feel less like you're checking up on her.
 
honestly.. my gut reaction was that she needs to make her own decisions. We can't shelter our loved ones from the world -- and like libster said, trying to do so will just make them try to pull away more. This guy could be a creep, or he could be the greatest thing ever. You don't know.. and there's no way to know if she's just shutting everyone out. Have you left her any messages when you try to call her? Maybe you know.. hold out the olive branch (is that right.. whatever.. you get what I mean lol).. tell her that you aren't going to reem her, that you will always support her and just wanted to see how she's doing. I'm sure she has it wrapped in her head she's going to do what she wants no matter what anyone says or does.. she IS after all an 18 yr old lol.
 
I think that if you really want to understand her side of things you are going to have to show some restraint and not say anything negative. If you can do that then why not send her a card/note saying that you heard about her upcoming wedding and you are excited for her and would love to have lunch to hear about her plans. Keep the talk all about her and keep your approach postive and focused on wanting her to be happy and getting to know her new husband to be and step-kids to be. Maybe if you meet them and get to know them you'll understand a little more where she is coming from?

If you have the desire to shake her and tell her to run away and not get married...then I'd just leave it alone for now. In my opinion you're better off taking the approach that she's making a good decision and supporting her versus trying to tell her it's a bad choice.

My SIL's friend's husband is 10 years older than her and they met when she was 17, got married at 19. I thought she was crazy, but you know what...he's an awesome husband to her. He's just what she needed. They have a great life together. Maybe he is "the one" for her and it just came in early in her life because that's when she needed him? I believe in fate!
 
My HS sweetheart and I started dating when I was 15, he was 27. We were totally in love and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but he didn't want to get married at the time. I went off to college and the year I turned 21, I met my DH. I married him August 19, 1988 and found out a few months later that John had intended to propose to me, but backed off because I came home engaged.

ETA: He and I were together until I was 21.
 
My kids' father is 10 years older than I am- but I didn't start dating him when I was 15 or 16! I was 19 and he was 29 (he was the new supervisor of the place I was working at the time). I'm almost 25 now and we're still not married, but I really don't feel like our age difference matters.

Maybe she's too busy planning her wedding to get in touch with you- perhaps she's got everyone trying to get a hold of her but can't keep up? I don't know, but I hope everything works out for them and that you can get to know him better. Hopefully he's a good guy :)
 
{{{HUGS}}}

I know from personal experience, that we can not run our kids (or nieces) lives. I would be pretty upset if I was her and knew that you were checking up on me. She feels she is grown up and can make her own decisions. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I think it's the best. When she knows that you aren't going to want to see her to tell her she's making a mistake, I'm sure she'll answer your calls.

That being said....I still try to run my boys lives!! LOL!!!
 
I agree that she needs to make her own decisions. And I wouldn't try to tell her not to get married after all I did the same thing. It just seems really wierd that she wants to marry him, but won't bring him around anybody. And she hasn't even told us that she's getting married. I would think if you are going to marry someone wouldn't you be telling everyone, I know I did, it was an exciting time. I will support her with her decision and I would love to help her with her wedding planning. I have tried telling her I just want to get together with her for dinner and see her senior pictures, but nothing. She does work at a restaurant and that's what I was debating on doing is just going there for dinner, but I don't want to send her the wrong message. I just want her to know that I am there for her and want to help her with whatever I can. My gut feeling comes from the fact that she's avoiding everyone and hiding things, that's the part that just isn't like her.
 
I don't want it to come across that I'm checking up on her. I just want her to know that I am there for her and support any decision that she makes. We have normally been pretty close, so I guess I am just in shock that she hadn't told anyone about this and still hasn't brought him around. I even ran into her at Wal-Mart about a month ago and the guy she was with went one direction, while she came and talked to me.
 
I agree with letting her make her own descicions, but I don't think there is anything wrong with letting her know your opinions either, as long as you make sure she knows you'll be there for her if things go wrong, and that you are not judging her. How about inviting them both around for dinner? Send her a text or something where you say you would really like to get to know him?

I have to be honest and say that I think getting married at 18 is a bad idea (no offense). Could you suggest that they just live together for a bit first to see how things go? People grow up so much in their early 20ies, and that can really affect the relationship. Good luck, whatever you decide to do:)
 
ajf9597 said:
I don't want it to come across that I'm checking up on her. I just want her to know that I am there for her and support any decision that she makes. We have normally been pretty close, so I guess I am just in shock that she hadn't told anyone about this and still hasn't brought him around. I even ran into her at Wal-Mart about a month ago and the guy she was with went one direction, while she came and talked to me.
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Now that is bizarre behavior, and would have me concerned. I guess the parents aren't concerned? Have you talked to either of them?
 
kristine said:
I have to be honest and say that I think getting married at 18 is a bad idea (no offense). Could you suggest that they just live together for a bit first to see how things go? People grow up so much in their early 20ies, and that can really affect the relationship. Good luck, whatever you decide to do:)
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They already want to move in when she graduates mid-term in Jan and her mom told her no, but only because then she wouldn't get child support, which is what she told BIL. He lives with his mom and that's where she spends the night.
 
4noisyboys said:
Now that is bizarre behavior, and would have me concerned. I guess the parents aren't concerned? Have you talked to either of them?
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That's why I've been worried about her. She is not acting like her normal self and is basically hiding from everyone. She won't return her dads calls and her mom calls to ask BIL what he's going to do about it. I just think if you are adult enough to make the decision to get married then you should be able to face people and at least tell them. She told her dad by texting him, instead of talking to him face to face when he saw her. All she tells her dad is the first name.

I have left several messages and texts for her just telling her I want to have supper with her, which is not out of the ordinary, but still haven't heard from her. I like Juli's idea about sending the card and may resort to that.
 
The part about her 18 and getting married doesn't bother me nearly as much as the hiding and avoiding. She probably thinks people are going to get in her face and down her throat about it, and that may be why.

can you pop her an email and say "congratulations...wanna do lunch?" or something like that. Then maybe she'll realize you aren't going to start in on her about making a big mistake or whatever.
 
honestly Id let her be...my husband and I are almost 8 years apart in age and my BFF is about 13 or so years younger then her husband. The age thing seems like a big deal now because she is still in her teens but in 10 years it wont be such a huge deal.
 
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