Feeling doubtful...

[hollyxann]

I really need to vent and need some advice right now. I'm feeling very worried.
Here's the situation...

My BF and I have been together for 3 years...going on 4. We have had some very very rocky spots. I feel like things are good and then they are really bad, then good and then really bad. Lately I've had this feeling like I'm losing him, like maybe I'm not good enough for him. Plus it doesn't help that I've been having dreams that he's cheating on me. And I feel like he could possibly be sneaking around behind my back doing something that he knows I won't like or appreciate. I've seen what I think are a few signs from before when he did this and I'm scared to death that its about to start and happen all over again.

I don't really want to confront him because I don't want to have an argument. But at the same time I don't want to feel like this. To add to all of this, my self-esteem and confidence are pretty low. Plus my past relationships have really scarred me...and he knows that. I try to not bring my past baggage but at times its hard because I see these different signs from time to time.

What do I do?
And how do I save my relationship?
What do I tell him we need to do? I really want us to have a stronger relationship.

Thanks for listening.

 

[iJenny]

And how do I save my relationship?

I'm in a blunt kind of mood so here ya go...

Are you sure this is a relationship worth saving? I mean, you yourself admit that you have low self-esteem and that you have issues from past relationships. Is it possible that you're staying in this unhealthy relationship because of your "past baggage"?

I mean, you're fighting for a relationship with a guy that you fear is unfaithful, that you know is dishonest, and that has hurt you in the past... Why?

And don't say "love" because you know that if you loved yourself as much as you say you love your bf, you'd never put up with his B.S.

I'm sorry things are rough, but sometimes relationships aren't worth saving. You have to be true to yourself first.

(((hugs)))

 

[jessica31876]

I kinda agree with Jenny but at the same time Ive been there and done that and I know that some relationships CAN be saved but it takes hard work from both people. If you arent both wanting to work hard it wont work. You do need to love yourself as much as you love him. You also need to listen to that inner voice that is telling you what you should do. So many women ignore it and think their wrong or offbase and find out they arent. AND if there is any chance this man would hurt you physically then please find a way out. Too many women stay and lose their chance to leave!!

 

[stayawake]

This sounds like a super hard situation for you to be in... I don't have much advice for you because I've never been there. But it is BECAUSE I haven't been there that I can tell you that not all men are like that - and there are men out there who adore their girlfriends and wives and want to work on their relationships and would NEVER cheat.

 

[Megan Turnidge]

Awww ((HUGS))!!! I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. But I have to kinda echo what's already been said. I don't know all the details, but this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. If my hubby EVER cheated on me, he'd be gone. I wouldn't even want to save it. That's just not something I could personally deal with and wouldn't be tolerated.

I hope you can make the best decision for YOU!!! You can find the confidence and the strength. You gotta take care of yourself so you can be a good partner to your SO, whether it's your current BF or someone else.

 

[joelsgirl]

Sorry you're in this hard position. That's a terrible feeling to live with.

Maybe you could start doing some things to boost your self confidence that don't involve your bf. Maybe set some personal goals and really push yourself to accomplish them. Then you would be in a better place to assess your relationship.

Believing in yourself is one of the best things you can do!

 

[scrapperjade]

Awww ((HUGS))!!! I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. But I have to kinda echo what's already been said. I don't know all the details, but this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. If my hubby EVER cheated on me, he'd be gone. I wouldn't even want to save it. That's just not something I could personally deal with and wouldn't be tolerated.

I hope you can make the best decision for YOU!!! You can find the confidence and the strength. You gotta take care of yourself so you can be a good partner to your SO, whether it's your current BF or someone else.

I completely agree with you Megan. My DH would get no second chance if he ever cheated. But he won't. He thinks its disgusting and would NEVER do it to me.

Holly - I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I know you don't want to bring it up and start a fight, but really, you have to. Walking around on egg shells, and wondering if he's being unfaithful or about to is not healthy for you or your relationship. If he blows up, so be it. Then you will know where he stands. If he freaks, then does he really want to save the relationship as much as you do? If he does want to save it, then he'll want to talk through it and not turn it into a screaming match. HUGS! I know it must be super difficult!

 

[hollyxann]

Let me clear something up...he hasnt EVER cheated on me that I know. On occassion I get a feeling like he has or may be thinking about it, attempting to test the waters however you want to put it. But as far as I know he has never cheated on me.

Thanks for all the advice...
I'm still looking for all the advice I can get.

 

[arenee]

I have to agree with the other ladies. Each man is different. I have found that most men need to be at least 30-35 before they are ready to be a partner.

For a man to be a partner to a woman, he has to be able to give of himself and give to his partner in ways that support her emotionally as well as physically.

I will say that one thing I have learned over the years is that some men never learn how to emotionally support a woman because he is not mature and has no interest in maturing. These are the men to leave alone-un away from. You can never make a man grow up. He has to do it on his own. The same can be said for women as well. Until a woman accepts herself for who and what she is, she is not ready for a relationship.

Can you be brave enough to be alone? Can you be brave enough to work thru your baggage? Can you be brave enough to see your worth? Can you be brave enough to look for a partner that respects you and is willing to do the "work" to build a relationship?

I would say you want to do the work before you are in a relationship that has children. I have had good times and I have had really bad time with my husband but the one thing that is always constant is that we support each other. He would never do anything to destroy our relationship. He knows that I respect myself to much to accept anything. Being unfaithful to me would destroy our relationship. He knows I respect myself to accept any less from a partner.

Sorry to ramble on but................
I am old. I would hate to see some one make the same mistakes that I made...........

 

[scrapperjade]

For a man to be a partner to a woman, he has to be able to give of himself and give to his partner in ways that support her emotionally as well as physically.

I will say that one thing I have learned over the years is that some men never learn how to emotionally support a woman because he is not mature and has no interest in maturing. These are the men to leave alone-un away from. You can never make a man grow up. He has to do it on his own. The same can be said for women as well. Until a woman accepts herself for who and what she is, she is not ready for a relationship.

Can you be brave enough to be alone? Can you be brave enough to work thru your baggage? Can you be brave enough to see your worth? Can you be brave enough to look for a partner that respects you and is willing to do the "work" to build a relationship?

I would say you want to do the work before you are in a relationship that has children. I have had good times and I have had really bad time with my husband but the one thing that is always constant is that we support each other. He would never do anything to destroy our relationship. He knows that I respect myself to much to accept anything. Being unfaithful to me would destroy our relationship. He knows I respect myself to accept any less from a partner.

This was all well said, but I especially like the advice I bolded! Good questions to think about!!

 

[LeeAndra]

I need more information.

What are the 'signs' that you see that you think he may be cheating on you? Has he cheated on past GFs? Or have you been cheated on by past BFs? It's hard to tell from your posts whether your own history is coloring your perceptions and making you think an innocent man is guilty OR if there are very clear signs that you are ignoring in an attempt to save your relationship b/c of your past baggage and thinking you are not good enough.

What are these 'really bad' times in your relationship? Arguing? Physical fights? Breaking things? Verbal abuse? Breaking up/moving out?

You're certainly not doing either one of you any favors by sticking around waiting for your happily ever after to start. If he's never cheated on you and isn't now, how awful is it that you 'have a feeling' he is? I would never want to be with someone for 4 years and find out that all that time they'd never trusted me. If he is cheating on you and has done so in the past, how awful is it that you are still hanging on to what you think the relationship was before or should be or could be sometime in the future?

You need to figure yourself out first. What do you want in a relationship? In life? Is this relationship moving forward? Do the good times outweigh the 'really bad' times? Is he a good person?

Then you can speak to your BF abt these thoughts and goals and see what he thinks. He may surprise you and agree that he wants to work on your relationship or he may freak out and say he wants to end things. Either way, you'll KNOW, and knowing is always better than waiting around to know.

Good luck.