Oh boy shits gonna hit the fan real soon, my poor sister!

my3hens

my3hens

New member
So I wasn't sure whether or not to post this. Its a really tough subject and very personal. I even thought of kinda creating an alias but I do trust and love you girls and feel like I can get support and maybe even some advice.

My sister is going to be 16 in November. Back in the very beginning of the summer/end of the school year she confided in me that she had feelings for a girl and she wasn't sure what was happening. She wasn't really coming out so much as looking for support. I told her I loved her and that I was going to support her regardless and just be here for her and I was proud of her for being honest with me and her feelings. Now I am Christian but I love my sister SO much that I felt it was appropriate to put my own beliefs away and focus on her well being and best interest. She didn't talk about it for months after and even had a boyfriend or two so I assumed it was a phase. I mean with all those hormones I know its not uncommon to experiment here or there. Well my sister has decided out of no where to take the plunge and come on out. She has admitted publicly on her myspace as well as every where else that she has a girlfriend (that I had no idea about) and that she is very aware of her choices. Apparently the only people she didn't come out to was my parents. The way I read her myspace though I assumed they knew. She had liek this little column under heros and she had a photo of my mom and dad and was going on about how accepting they were and that she was glad there was no more secrets. I however didn't know anything, actually a mutual friend has messaged me and was like your sister is so brave for coming out like that and I was like whaaaaaattttttt? So thats what even prompted me to check her myspace. So I called my mom. Oops. Seriously my parents were cluless. My mom was fab. She was extremely understanding. A bit shocked but her best friend is a lesbian and my mom said that shes glad that its not something like my sister being pregnant or on drugs and what not. I totally agree with my mom. I mean who knows it could still be a phase. but my dad. OMG, my dad totally flips. He blames it on my mom for having a gay bestfriend. Absolutely rediculous because my moms bestfriend also happens to be MY godmother and Im straight as a pin. And my godmother isn't even like outwardly gay. People know she is but she just doesn't make a big deal out of it. She is what she is and she doesn't feel the need to flaunt it. So my dad is just crazy. Then he goes on and on about how hes going to lay into my sister and he would rather her be pregnant or with her stupid crazy ex boyfriend. Now just to let you konw my dad is extremely bi polar, manic depressant. All kinds of crazy and all kinds of medicated so hes normally very censored. But he just flew off the rocker. I am worried about my sister. THank goodness my mom will be there when my dad gets home so my sister isn't alone with him. I dont fear for her safetly but know he can be VERY mean spirited. My mom even said this could be the end of their marriage if he doesn't respect and treat my sister right.
Now heres I guess where the question comes in? How do I be supportive? What do I do in this situation. I am obviously here for her but I want to make this as easy for her as possible. I am insanely over protective and I feel like somehow this is even worse then when she was assaulted. Because the abuse is never gonna end. I know shes gonna have it super tough and society can just be cruel. But my family is just huge and gossipy and I know the road she has a head of her. I told my mom that i was worried about our family putting her down and my moms only response to that was well I dont think they will do ti to her face to much. Like WTF just cause you can't always hear it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt just as badly.
Sorry this is getting long huh. I am just completely spinning.
 
Wow Sarah....I would just be there for her if she needs to talk and stick up for her if someone is doing something wrong to her (verbally abusing, etc.). You are a great big sister! ((hugs))
 
Poor thing...that has to be hard especially at that age. Just be the best and most understanding big sister you can be. That's what she needs right now.
 
Well, I have to agree with the others here. I would def just be there for her, I am really glad your Mom is supportive too. I am sure that will help. You are a really great sister and I hope everything calms down soon!!!
 
Sarah, just be there for her, and really, try not to treat her any differently because of it. Just continue to be her best big sister friend, and let her confide in you. All 16 year old girls need a best friend they can trust. Kudos to you and your mom for being understanding and supportive, regardless of your beliefs.
 
Sarah, just do what you're doing, being there for her. There are things you simply cannot have control over, like the gossip. Sadly it's going to happen. She is who she is and you don't love her any less for it do you? No, of course not. You love her to pieces.
It's the way she told the world that probably created the shock. It's a whole lot to take in all at once.
Anyway, Sarah, I'm a great listener and I'm here on yahoo if you need to talk or vent. Just keep on loving her like you've always done, ok? You can't go wrong with that.
 
OMG Sarah! {{hugs}} to you and your family. This is such a hard situation on so many levels. :( Just be there for her as much as you can be sweetie. She just needs a lot of support. Prayers for all of you guys!!
 
Oh sweetie. My cousin is gay and I knew 20 years before he had the courage to tell his parents. The best thing I can offer as advice is to support your sister even if it is against your religious principles. She will need it if your father reacts the way you anticipate (I know bi-polar and have seen it in action).

Just let her know that you love and support her and are there for her when she needs it.
 
I am sure I will be very much alone in my advice and you are really the only one that can make the descision how to best be there for her but sometimes the best support we can give our friends and family that we love the most is not always the easiest. I am very much a conservative christian in my beliefs so I do not agree with people living the lifestyle of homosexuality. I believe it is agianst the teaching of the bible. I do however believe that it is a real struggle that some people have in their lives and I don't believe we should turn our heads from them either. I guess my heart goes out to your sister because she is so young and really still finding out who she is and this is a very crucial time in her life right now and so while you can still be supportive for her you can also find ways as her big sister to help her make a healthier choice for her life because I can assure you the path she is traveling down now is not the best for her. There are so many wonderful things she will be missing choosing this road and I sure hate to see someone so young give up so many beautiful things. My heart is truly breaking for all of you Sarah and feel free to do whatever you see fit with my advice. My husband works in things like this so if you want any resources for helping her through this you are more than welcome to PM me. I will be praying for all of you.
 
I think you should really support her. It's a tough decision, especially when you don't live in places as progressive as others. (I've lived my whole life in wholly supportive places of gay and lesbian lifestyles, so it boggles my mind that there is still intolerance) I mean, don't treat her any differently than you did before. She's just your sister, after all. Don't be afraid to talk to her about it, don't dodge conversations about it, listen to her when she cries about her girlfriends the same way you would if she cried about her boyfriends.
I'm not Christian, by any means, but my grandmother was and she always said that being Christian meant that you accepted everyone the way they were, that was how God made them and we're all beautiful in God's eyes.

Her lifestyle isn't going to be as difficult or as tumultuous as you might imagine, especially if she decides to continue her education in more progressive areas like California or NYC. It's getting better, Sarah, you'll see, don't be afraid for her because she likes women, be afraid for her because she's growing up and it's tough, straight or gay. She'll still get her heartbroken a few times, we all do.

And... please don't take this the wrong way, but my best friend is gay and she says hoping it's a "phase" is really insulting and it completely derogates her lifestyle choice. <3 You're a good big sister.

Your dad needs a wake up call.
 
if this is something that goes against your christian principals then all you can do is love her to pieces and lead a life of example. love her with all your might and be accepting. you don't have to be accepting of her choice (i do believe its a choice) but you do have to accept her. period. you'll do that just fine, your an amazing uplifting woman! and an even more amazing sister! i also know a great place to look for answers...the bible. :) i'll be thinking of you and your sweet sister!
 
wow, poor girl. I think you are a wonderful big sister! just be there for her and try to stick up for her. Everyone in this world has a right to love and to be loved; it shouldn't matter what sex or color that person is.
 
you're on the right path by being there for her, knowing how your father is and anticipating the worst coming out of his mouth. i don't know if you have room at home, but let her know (i'm sure she is anyway) that if she needs a place to get away from your dad berrating her then she can stay with you as long as she keeps going to school and letting you know what's going on with her. it's tough growing up now, whether your gay, straight or bi.

i'm with brynn, I grew up in san francisco so you know where i'm coming from. straight, gay or bi you live your life as you normally would. you're doing a great job of being a big sis to her, keep it up!
 
Voodoo_Bryn said:
I'm not Christian, by any means, but my grandmother was and she always said that being Christian meant that you accepted everyone the way they were, that was how God made them and we're all beautiful in God's eyes.
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I really like that. I wish more people were that understanding in this day and age.

Sarah, you're one of the kindest most loving people I've ever met. Know in your heart that your sister is your sister and God made her just right, and even if no one else understands why he made her that way, he understands and that's all that matters.

Like so many other have said, just be the best, most supportive big sister to her that you can. She'll appreciate it greatly I'm sure.
 
Sarah, I'm sorry you are put in such a hard place. I don't know you that well, but from what I do know, you are a very thoughtful and supportive person and I know that however you choose to handle the situtation, it will be well thought out and have your sister's best interest in mind.

FWIW, I don't think it's so bad to be gay! Personally, I'm very straight, but I have lots of gay friends that have great lives (happier and more fulfilled than many of my straight friends). It's unfortunate that people are so negative about it. It really makes me quite sad.
 
Sarah, just be there for her. She's going to need you to just love her and be her big sister! It's sad your dad has reacted this way, but you can help her handle his response, too. Just listen and be there. ((hugs))
 
gracielou said:
I am sure I will be very much alone in my advice and you are really the only one that can make the descision how to best be there for her but sometimes the best support we can give our friends and family that we love the most is not always the easiest. I am very much a conservative christian in my beliefs so I do not agree with people living the lifestyle of homosexuality. I believe it is agianst the teaching of the bible. I do however believe that it is a real struggle that some people have in their lives and I don't believe we should turn our heads from them either. I guess my heart goes out to your sister because she is so young and really still finding out who she is and this is a very crucial time in her life right now and so while you can still be supportive for her you can also find ways as her big sister to help her make a healthier choice for her life because I can assure you the path she is traveling down now is not the best for her. There are so many wonderful things she will be missing choosing this road and I sure hate to see someone so young give up so many beautiful things. My heart is truly breaking for all of you Sarah and feel free to do whatever you see fit with my advice. My husband works in things like this so if you want any resources for helping her through this you are more than welcome to PM me. I will be praying for all of you.
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I totally agree with Amanda, being that I'm also a conservative believer in my Christian faith. Although I wouldn't treat anyone differently because of their lifestyle, I still would have to do my best to guide them with love, patience, and understanding especially because I know that I, myself, am not a perfect person. It's so easy to point a finger at someone's faults or mistakes, and not consider our own. I, too, have gone through a lot of things in the past that I'm not proud of, before I took my faith seriously. But, I realized it was because I didn't have that unconditional love and support that I needed as I was growing up through those tough, pressure-filled, crazy hormonal years as a teen. Being that your sister is so young and is bound to face tough choices such as this, it's always important to be active role model in her life and try as much as possible to keep your communication line open, but most of all love her unconditionally. I've learned that people don't always listen to your advice, but they do follow your example in how you live your life, if you are faithful and consistent in practicing what you preach. For example, when I first became Christian and tried to share my beliefs and faith with others, my family and friends mocked me and thought it was a short lived phase. But, as the years flew by and as they saw the changes and blessings that came upon my life as a result, that is when they also chose to believe and was more receptive of my advice concerning the teachings of the bible. I also think prayer is powerful and sometimes it's the only thing you can do when you feel you can't do anything else. I'll definitely be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers... ((HUGS)) :wub:
 
Aww Sarah! She's got a tough road ahead of her so all you can do is be supportive. I'm Christian as well and I believe that God made people gay just like He made them straight and it's for a reason. I don't think you should try and "save" her or change her. Her salvation is her business and it's a decision she has to make.

FWIW I believe God loves gay people even if they live a gay lifestyle. It's the church that attempts to correct gay people. As long as she accepts Jesus then, according to Christianity, she's saved. No one said she has to accept Jesus and deny everything she is, just like God loves me even though I have a terrible temper. It may not be what He wants for me but it is how he made me.
 
Sigh. Well honey it's definitely not going to be easy for her..this time and age can be a rough one, especially when dealing with feelings like T is dealing with now. And I'm a Christian as well and know that our own personal beliefs come into play sometimes. But all I can say is to follow your heart and your instincts and be the big sister to her that you always are. Keep the communication open, be honest with her as always and try to edify her best you can. Be a positive role model and always shine your love on her. I'll be thinking of you and your family hon!
 
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Hey, hun, you know, if this is how she is there is nothing anyone can do about it- it isn't bad. It may be against your beliefs but no one has the right to tell her how she is is wrong, bad, or dirty. I would just be there for her and let her lead. I would always just let her be herself no matter what that is kwim? As I see it, your only job is to be there for her and to not be judgemental- she will get enough of that from others. Good luck hun and giver her a big hug- the teen years are so hard!
 
Thank you so much girls, I haven't heard from her so Im assuming she didn't go right home frome school. She usually either gets on myspace or calls me by now. I am very anxious as to how the confrontation with my father will be for her. I do think Im going to ask her to come up here for at least this weekend so she can get away. Shes at that age where she doesn't like to be away from her friends very long. I hope I didn't come off wrong in op, I wasn't so much judging her or worrying about her actually being gay at this moment. My main concern was her well being and how I best support her without coming off either to strong (she doesn't like peoples sympathy and again sympathy NOT because shes gay but because of the reaction she is going to get) or if I try to brush it off like its just normal and then shes going to think Im to calm. I know im probably WAY over thinking things. I have just always been able to be there for her fairly effortlessly and be able to understand and relate and thsi is the first time Im going to have to try to really focus on not so much understanding but just trying to support. Im one of those peoples that feel the need to make people happy and just fix things and this situation is going to take a lot of time and healing to adjust for everyone.
Again I probably SUCK at conveying my point LOL. Hope I don't sound like a bumbling moron.
 
Oh honey, I can't speak for everyone but that's how I took your concerns, so no worries. You're just concerned about what this means for her, how people will treat her, etc. Just keep on keeping on. You are a fabulous sister and woman hon and I know you'll have just the "right" kind of support for her!
 
scarletsierra said:
Oh honey, I can't speak for everyone but that's how I took your concerns, so no worries. You're just concerned about what this means for her, how people will treat her, etc. Just keep on keeping on. You are a fabulous sister and woman hon and I know you'll have just the "right" kind of support for her!
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Yeah that- my post was worded very badly but yours was perfect!
 
my3hens said:
Thank you so much girls, I haven't heard from her so Im assuming she didn't go right home frome school. She usually either gets on myspace or calls me by now. I am very anxious as to how the confrontation with my father will be for her. I do think Im going to ask her to come up here for at least this weekend so she can get away. Shes at that age where she doesn't like to be away from her friends very long. I hope I didn't come off wrong in op, I wasn't so much judging her or worrying about her actually being gay at this moment. My main concern was her well being and how I best support her without coming off either to strong (she doesn't like peoples sympathy and again sympathy NOT because shes gay but because of the reaction she is going to get) or if I try to brush it off like its just normal and then shes going to think Im to calm. I know im probably WAY over thinking things. I have just always been able to be there for her fairly effortlessly and be able to understand and relate and thsi is the first time Im going to have to try to really focus on not so much understanding but just trying to support. Im one of those peoples that feel the need to make people happy and just fix things and this situation is going to take a lot of time and healing to adjust for everyone.
Again I probably SUCK at conveying my point LOL. Hope I don't sound like a bumbling moron.
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That's exactly how I took it too :) {{{HUGS}}} Keep us posted (if you feel comfortable doing so).
 
I wish I had more time right now, Sarah, but I'll be heading out shortly and won't be home until 10 or 11 tonight my time (PT). Anyway, my family has been there in a big way. Not sure if you're on msn, but I am more than happy to chat or PM back and forth if you'd like. You'll probably be asleep long before I get home tonight, but I'm around tomorrow.
 
I think being supportive and letting her know that if she needs advice or assistance that you'll be there for her and if you can't help her with certain advice you could help her find the support she needs. The best thing you can do is just stand up for or with her if someone is treating her poorly because of her.
I've never had a gay friend, but I had a bisexual friend in college. When she opened up to me and let me know her orientation, I first made sure that she wasn't telling me to ask me out (she wasn't), but then told her I would respect her choices as a friend and that I would be willing to be there for her, and we had a great friendship.
 
My brother is gay and we all saw it coming. We all knew before he even said anything about it. I am very religious and I have beliefs about homosexuality, but I still love him no matter what. I have respect adn love for everyone, despite their sexual orientation. I think it's really important to be really understanding and try to make them NOT feel different.

My whole family was really good about when my brother came out, but for whatever reason he has isolated himself. We invite him to all the family get togethers and offer financial aid to get there and say how much we want him there, but for whatever reason he makes up reasons to not come and then complains that he doesn't feel part of the family. :confused: It's really sad, but hopefully you won't have issues with that.
 
I haven't read all the responses, but I agree with everyone else about just being a supportive sister. I'd also let her know she could come to you if she needs a break from her father's anger for a few hours or a night.
 
rach3975 said:
I haven't read all the responses, but I agree with everyone else about just being a supportive sister. I'd also let her know she could come to you if she needs a break from her father's anger for a few hours or a night.
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Me too!

Sarah I am a Christian too and we sometimes can be a weird bunch can't we. ;) I have trusted my bible for years and years and most of the time that's not popular with a lot of folks. But one thing I can say for sure is that as many times as I have read and studied it from front to back, I know that even if you think someone's behavior is potentially dangerous and wrong and damaging to them.....you can tell them so but still treat them with the same respect that you would anybody else and it sure doesn't hurt to love all over people (I know you do). Christ didn't mind telling it like it is, but he was never abusive and I'm sure you remember about the woman at the well and all the other stories. Nobody is without sin and nobody is beyond his forgiveness. We are all created in God's image and deserve to be treated like the precious lives that we all are. I am sure you already know this, but you can disagree with what your sister chooses and still love her to pieces. Just pray for her and for you to have the wisdom to tread lightly (which has never been my strong point. let's just say I identify with Peter and his foot in mouth disease) and deal with it as the Lord would have you to. I've run into some hard situations with family members myself and there is a way (although it's hard) to stick to your convictions without hurting your relationship with her.
Crazy world we live in. You're a sweet soul Sarah and I know you'll handle it with grace and love. Y'all are in my prayers.

eta...if you knew the person I was 10/15 years ago you'd never in your wildest dreams imagine I would end up being a bible believing christian and teaching the bible and youth group. I was buck wild and I bet nobody thought that would change. didn't change the minute they wanted me to, but God moved and used a few things in my life to shake me and wake me and quite frankly scare the crap out of me. People can change and be all the better for it, with a history of hard knocks and a testimony that can help others who might be struggling with what they have overcome. God's timing is not ours. That's for sure.
 
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Just so you know and don't feel all weird about saying it, you're not alone Amanda. I agree with you. I feel that way too and it doesn't make me angry or feel like a person is "icky" or whatever you wanna call it...it just makes me sad for that person. I'm sure you kwim. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone here. (((HUGS))) I bet me and you both will be praying for this family and sweet Sarah :)

gracielou said:
I am sure I will be very much alone in my advice and you are really the only one that can make the descision how to best be there for her but sometimes the best support we can give our friends and family that we love the most is not always the easiest. I am very much a conservative christian in my beliefs so I do not agree with people living the lifestyle of homosexuality. I believe it is agianst the teaching of the bible. I do however believe that it is a real struggle that some people have in their lives and I don't believe we should turn our heads from them either. I guess my heart goes out to your sister because she is so young and really still finding out who she is and this is a very crucial time in her life right now and so while you can still be supportive for her you can also find ways as her big sister to help her make a healthier choice for her life because I can assure you the path she is traveling down now is not the best for her. There are so many wonderful things she will be missing choosing this road and I sure hate to see someone so young give up so many beautiful things. My heart is truly breaking for all of you Sarah and feel free to do whatever you see fit with my advice. My husband works in things like this so if you want any resources for helping her through this you are more than welcome to PM me. I will be praying for all of you.
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