Explain something to me about "being a mom with Mental Illness"

Y

yari

Sweet Shoppe Designer
Ladies, I come to you for help on this very difficult subject. I have a friend who suffers from mental illness and depression. I really don't know what it is called but she gets frequent mood swings, crying or angry days, and panic attacks. Here's where my concern comes in. I really want to help my friend and not judge her but I am seriously concerned about her children, 4 under the age of 10. Sometimes she leaves them all alone at home to go do something and her oldest is autistic which means he's not really capable of watching the younger children. She very rarely cooks or makes any meals for them, they basically just have to fend for themselves most days. Her house is a mess and very dirty. Her husband works full time and has to basically take over her duties at home when he gets home. She spends an awful lot of time on the internet and doing crafts. I have started to provide dinners for them here and there to help them out but with my progressing pregnancy (I just started my third trimester) it is getting more and more difficult to do so. I am very concerned about her children being neglected at home, about her for some reason getting angry with me and push me out of her life (she has done that with several of our mutual friends), and I am concerned that I just do not know how to help her.

What do I do, how do I help? I have no idea what to do. I wish she could realize that we all have problems but despite that we all have the need to eat and as so she needs to feed her children and take care of them, that's her stewardship, even if it means for her to always do something simple.

Suggestions, ideas, comments? I don't even know what I am asking here. I guess I would like to understand her a bit better or maybe this can just simply be an open helpful discussion. Thanks so much in advance.
 
wow that is sooo sad Yari. Sounds like to me she still has post partum depression and never really got out of it. Also sounds like she has a lot on her plate and maybe she just feels like giving up is easier than dealing with it. I think if I were in your shoes, I would talk to her hubby first and explain your concerns to him and see if he has any ideas. Maybe she needs somebody to teach her how to "meal plan", hoe to prioritize on things that need to be done sooner than later (like the dishes, kids baths, laundry and such)....I am not sure if this would work or not, but it may put her in the right direction....
 
That is a tough situation and very sad. Unfortunately, in my experience of working with the mentally ill/depressed your efforts will most likely fall upon deaf ears. Most of the time these people aren't willing to listen or listen but are not capable of helping themselves. She definitely needs professional services and though your heart is definitely in the right place you won't be able to help her in the long run.

I know it's not the answer you want, but I would personally call Child Protective Services. It can be done anonymously so she will not know who called. They will investigate and find the best solution for the CHILDREN, who are what matters in this situation. In my opinion it is definitely not okay to leave children that age home alone, especially where the oldest is autistic and 10 is not old enough for even a nonautistic child to be caring for younger siblings. If a fire got started I doubt any of them would know what to do (a very sad situation that happened to a family in my town not too long ago:crying:) Not to mention the things you mentioned such as meals and questionable living conditions.

I hope she gets the help she needs for the sake of her children but in lieu of that I really hope the children get the care that they need - hugs to you for being such a caring friend :wub:
 
Do they attend your church, Yari? Or a church at all? There will be help available from most churches from moms who can step in and help out a little, to elders who can help counsel the husband about what to do to seek help. I would go that direction first, before CPS. But I'd definitely talk to the husband. He does know what is going on ... but is probably in survival mode to just get through and might need awakening to realize how it will effect them once CPS steps in which can be a wake up call for a parent who has moved into that just get through this day phase without 'seeing' what is happening.
 
Oh, Yari...that is so hard. My mom has a diagnosed personality disorder and is bi-polar (it wasn't discovered until I was in high school) and, as the oldest, it was very difficult for me. A lot of the responsibilities fell on be and I often took on the role of being a mom to her.

The situation you're describing sounds worse than what mine was, though. Is she getting any kind of help from a mental health doctor?It doesn't sound as if her children are in a safe situation. I agree with the others about talking to her husband and with Darcy about seeking help from the church first. But, in the end, the needs of her children do need to take precedence over the friendship.

I will be praying for this situation. You have been a true friend to her and her family by doing what you can in taking meals and seeking advice on getting help. She may not appreciate it now, in the moment, but it may be that her illness is preventing her from doing so.
 
I agree with Darcy, CPS should be a last step because it will completely tear that family apart and give them very little hope of success not to mention it is not in the best interest of the kids to be amongst total strangers and be shoved into the foster care situation IF things at home can be fixed. I agree with your instinct to talk to the husband as well, especially if you are such good friends. He will know without a doubt that your concerns are coming from a place of love and support and he might be relieved that he also has someone to talk to and help. It sounds like she simply needs psychological and psychiatric help and that those symptoms can easily get under control with the right medicine. YES... I know from personal experience. Thankfully I absolutely never let me children out of my sight... that is scary, but I have dealt with all the rest you are talking of. She is probably SO overwhelmed, maybe she needs help at home?

Here is a saying I love: Find someone to love you when you least deserve it, because that is when you need it the most.
 
Not being a religious person at all, I didn't think of a church. A church is a good starting point BUT she needs to be willing to help herself and it sounds as though she is beyond that point. Having people help with meals and cleaning is a start but she can't rely on these people forever and she needs professional help so she can learn to cope with her feelings/moods/issues, etc. Maybe it will be the wake-up call she needs though (and her husband) to seek out that help before it comes to CPS.
 
mariewilcox said:
Not being a religious person at all, I didn't think of a church. A church is a good starting point BUT she needs to be willing to help herself and it sounds as though she is beyond that point. Having people help with meals and cleaning is a start but she can't rely on these people forever and she needs professional help so she can learn to cope with her feelings/moods/issues, etc. Maybe it will be the wake-up call she needs though (and her husband) to seek out that help before it comes to CPS.
Click to expand...

I have to kind of agree with Marie that she needs to get to a place where she is motivated to help herself. Although CPS does seem harsh, sometimes it is the only incentive that works to get people to wake up and 'see' what's happening.

If she is a member of your church, does the church offer free counseling? Support groups? My church has a counseling center with psychologists that often help church members for a few free sessions. Or, refer them to a psychiatrist. There are also many support groups for depression, anxiety, and panic disorders. Perhaps she needs to be encouraged in this direction? Maybe more than one of you who is still in contact with her can intervene. Call up any of your mutual friends who are concerned and sit down (together) to talk to her husband about the situation. Don't do it on your own. There is strength in numbers. ;)
 
Alerting CPS doesn't automatically mean they will be ripped from the home immediately and torn apart and put in foster care, at least here in our state. I have intimate experience with this type of situation (with my former best friend - and yes, it's sad that she is my former best friend but her children are now thriving with another family member and to me that is what was most important).

Alerting CPS here starts an investigative process where the family in question is interviewed and services are put in place. In the case of my former friend she actually had her children for quite a while before CPS concluded their investigation and the other family member stepped in and offered to take her children. She is doing much better now with the services put in place for her and has seen her children regularly in the past 6 months and is on schedule to having them back in a few months. Without CPS stepping in she never ever would have sought help - that is just the type of person she is/was and she needed CPS to realize just how serious the whole situation was.

Having said all that I really do hope that this situation isn't as bad as it seems and that things can be resolved with little trauma, etc. But I do hope someone starts taking care of the children :hugs:
 
I can't imagine. I don't know what you do without upsetting her. :( I just want to add that if she is a member... we had an experience here where someone called CPS on a family in our ward and it was a nightmare for them and the leaders REALLY wish they had been talked to about it first. So I'd definitely talk to church leaders first.

And I like what someone mentioned... she might also need help knowing how or what to do!
 
CPS would be my last step too, only if the children were put in danger. I agree that she shouldn't be leaving them alone, but I've made bad decisions as a parent and to have CPS called on me over a lapse in judgement...ugh.

I would go after the church and get them involved.
 
Unfortunately, I can relate to her. My kids were never left unattended, and I still cooked dinner. But, I had NO energy for anything else. Housework definitely didn't get done the way it should, and my kids did not have the kind of mother they deserve. I'm lucky in that I come from a family that has dealt with a lot of depression, and it is openly discussed. When I needed help, I went and got it, and my family supported me every step of the way.

My husband went through a really tough time with anxiety a few years ago, and it took a while for me to convince him that he needed help with it. That can be the hardest part if someone doesn't want to admit what is going on.

Does she admit that she's depressed? Does she acknowledge that she isn't handling her responsibilities well? Is she currently seeing someone about it all?

I would start at Church, too. (((Hugs))) Yari. It's so hard to know how to help in this kind of situation. And, you are a good friend to care about her and her kids so much.
 
I just wanted to add that as a depressive myself, there are times where I could "see" what was happening, but was literally powerless to do anything about it. You get in such a deep, dark place, you don't even know what you're doing. I never left my kids alone, and they always had food, but there were times when I didn't know if I could keep myself alive another day, there were days I just wanted to die.

I would also try a church or something before CPS, only because she may really have problems that she can't help herself with, even though she may realize the issues she is having. It's hard for the men in our lives to admit that they need help, and will try to do whatever they can before asking for it. He obviously knows she's having issues, but is likely too proud to ask.

It is very hard to relate to people in this position if you've never been there, and it's not as simple as just waking them up to what is happening. I do think a church would be a good place to start if she is a religious person, or even talking to her DH. As a noneligious person, if a church had tried to intervene, I would have been even angrier, and felt more judged, so if she is not, I would definitely not go that route. ((hugs)) to you for trying, most people just ignore people in this position.
 
Oh my gosh you guys, thank you SOOOO much for all of the feedback. I have been worrying about this for a long time now almost non-stop and it's been affecting me a bit. I understand about the point that CPS might be a good wake up call but I also think that this family has trusted me to see this intimate part of their family and I just cannot break that trust, I cannot present myself to be a threat to them. I want to help them and I am thinking that perhaps I just might not be able to. She is a member of my church but she is very very leery of who she talks to and lets in her life. Church leaders have tried to help them but now she doesn't want anything to do with them, she doesn't want any type of service from them. She does come to Church still though not for the whole time. It is also my understanding that she is on medication that is basically the only thing that's keeping her alive otherwise she would take the other route) and that she sees someone for therapy and what not.

ltarbox said:
Does she admit that she's depressed? Does she acknowledge that she isn't handling her responsibilities well?
Click to expand...

Yes she does admit it and knows what she is going through. I believe a big part of her depression is the guilt that she feels about the kind of mom she is at the moment cause I know she was not like this a couple of years back.

newfiemountiewife said:
I just wanted to add that as a depressive myself, there are times where I could "see" what was happening, but was literally powerless to do anything about it. You get in such a deep, dark place, you don't even know what you're doing. I never left my kids alone, and they always had food, but there were times when I didn't know if I could keep myself alive another day, there were days I just wanted to die.

I would also try a church or something before CPS, only because she may really have problems that she can't help herself with, even though she may realize the issues she is having. It's hard for the men in our lives to admit that they need help, and will try to do whatever they can before asking for it. He obviously knows she's having issues, but is likely too proud to ask.

It is very hard to relate to people in this position if you've never been there, and it's not as simple as just waking them up to what is happening. I do think a church would be a good place to start if she is a religious person, or even talking to her DH. As a noneligious person, if a church had tried to intervene, I would have been even angrier, and felt more judged, so if she is not, I would definitely not go that route. ((hugs)) to you for trying, most people just ignore people in this position.
Click to expand...

Wow Jamie, this really opened up my eyes more than they were and it sooo helps because I can see a different perspective and judging her is harder knowing this now (not that I ever want to judge her, I just feel so concerned for her children and her own safety against herself). So thank you so much for sharing this. It really does help and it's not easy to share that much info. I am going to try to remember everything you said whenever I come in contact with her. My problem is that I don't even know how to show her how to start again without her feeling that I am judging her and then she'll push me away and I can't handle that with how emotional I am with this pregnancy. How do you approach someone in that kind of situation? Jamie, what helped you to get out of it, to get better? Any further input would be greatly appreciated, you might be saving some souls here. What would have threatened you? What would have helped you accept help from someone?

-
 
You have gotten a lot of good advice here Yari. My only thought is if she is on anti-depressants they need to be monitored...One drug might not help or might not be enough. And sometimes you could be taking too much and it will make your depression worse or vice versa. If she is still struggling with depression she really needs to be talking to her doctor about the meds and be trying some new ones or different dosages.
 
xboxmom said:
You have gotten a lot of good advice here Yari. My only thought is if she is on anti-depressants they need to be monitored...One drug might not help or might not be enough. And sometimes you could be taking too much and it will make your depression worse or vice versa. If she is still struggling with depression she really needs to be talking to her doctor about the meds and be trying some new ones or different dosages.
Click to expand...

I agree with this 100%. Would her husband go to an doc appointment with her (and would she allow him to go?) to make sure they are all on the same page with her treatment plan? There were several times I wanted to talk to my hubby's doctors cause I wasn't sure they were hearing the whole story when they only got their info from him. And, if the docs don't really understand everything that's going on, they can't treat it properly.
 
I don't know what advice I have. I've been through depressed phases in my life, but I've never been bad enough that I've needed intervention. The way that I have been depressed is that I turn really cynical and suspicious about anything that could be seen as nice. It's usually a kick in the pants from someone whom I know loves me that helps. A "Megan, you are better than this. Start looking for good in this world and don't be cynical. You aren't perfect, but nobody is. Work on life one day at a time and one step at a time" I find personal projects help me, and I type in my OhLife journal about everything. Writing helps me a lot. I also set goals that I know I can achieve. Like brush my teeth twice today. Something that the depressed me wouldn't feel was worth it, but achieving goals and doing things to take care of myself and others always helps.

Because of your relationship I would be frank and honest, and refuse to be pushed away. It is always those people who help pull me out of my slumps. And don't just tell her something is wrong. In high school when I knew that my life was pointless and that nobody liked me, my best friend told me to say hi to everyone with whom I was acquainted. At first the looks were full of question, but soon they were saying hi to me even when I was in a mood and wasn't going to say hi. It sounds so silly now, but I totally fall into similarly silly moods now, where I am overly-judgemental of myself and get into ridiculous moods. Setting goals and accomplishing projects always helps.

The real reason I wanted to write this post is that my friend just wrote a song about this, and I felt like I should share it with you.

http://fawm.org/songs/3935/

I started crying when I was listening to it because I have been there, in the "depths of despair", yet it's only after I've been pulled up that I've been able to see how truly blessed I am, and how blessed I was during those times. I'm a huge fan if counting blessings, even if that blessing is that the kids were fun and playful all the way until 8 this morning.

As far as food goes, maybe you could arrange for her to help you prepare a bunch of freezer meals for you for when you have the baby. Go shopping together and then do all of the prep together and then you will both have something you need.

Again, I can only write from my own perspective. When I'm depressed I don't feel worth being helped, so I often refuse it. It's weird and hard. You are an amazing friend and I hope that she realizes how much you care and starts helping with the healing process.
 
Yari, I started some medication which I have recently had to have increased because I am not doing well lately. But I also started working outside the home, which helped me a lot during my first really bad episode. It was nice just to get out and do things. But I started with very, very small things. I still sometimes have terrible episodes, and it's hard, but I can feel them coming now and I can recognize when I need to reach out. Sometimes I dont, and I end up falling down hard. But it took me a very long time to get to that place, so don't expect that right away. I also don't have much in the way of a support system, but it seems like her dh understands and is doing all he can.

She is going to push you away If you confront her. You need to suggest very, very small things first. Making an entire meal for example, might just seem too much. When you are in that dark place, you want nothing more than to be left alone. You feel so overwhelmed you don't want to do anything. What is normal for everyone else is not for you. Doing laundry feels like the most difficult thing in the world.

It's not easy to love us. Especially when we have everything one could ever want. It's not her fault, and by doing small steps, you can lead her into bigger ones, like seeking therapy. You are a great friend for trying to understand and help. Truly, you have no idea what that probably means to her, even though she can't express it to you right now.
 
Talk to her husband certainly & express your concern about the kids being left alone if nothing else. Tell the husband you want to help, offer to arrange a rota for meals, get prices on a cleaning service, ask him what help he needs with the family most so he can try and help her. Maybe just getting her meds adjusted & coming home to a clean house with a week's worth of meals in the freezer will give her the breathing space to let the new meds take affect.

But I have to side with Marie about CPS. Especially if she is not likely to accept church help & won't see a doc about the meds. If she has left the kids alone a few times, that isn't a lapse in judgement, that is an ongoing issue and a symptom of depression that needs to be dealt with. Given this a mental issue with her and she has an intact marriage with a husband who is trying to keep it all together CPS is unlikely to yank the kids for a report. They are more likely to get them both help & support. Horror stories aside, CPS wants to keep families together. My brother & his wife had them called & while it was an unhappy & scary few months for all of us, it ended up helping them a great a deal as a family. She finally saw the damage her actions were causing and got some seriously help, not just a GP's off the top of his head prescription for mild depression but a genuine psychiatric diagnosis of bipolarism & much more effective meds. Plus a parenting course & couples therapy. All paid for by the courts, which was what was needed most as they had no insurance.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Community platform by XenForo® © 2010-2026 XenForo Ltd.
Back
Top