Anyone else struggle with friends?

crystalbella77

crystalbella77

New member
So...lately I am feeling like I might think my friendships with people are more than what they are. Like I think the relationship is more than what it is. Does that make sense? I feel quite lonely and depressed about this. :'( I'm not looking for pity or anything just curious...

Do you find you have a lot of true friends? People who think of you and reach out to you? I try to reach out to people and let them know I am thinking of them but find it is usually one sided.

Do you think people want REAL deep relationships? Like, I am feeling like people just want to keep things light all the time and not actually talk about hard stuff or anything and that doesn't work well for me.

Do you find people who are a bit quiet initially...or reserved so to speak...hard to talk to? I feel like I am open and warm but I rarely make the initial contact with people and wondering if this is why people don't like me that well... :/

Just feeling a bit blue as I always do once November rolls around and thought I'd start some chatter on this subject to either make me feel less alone or help me to learn to be a better friend. ❤

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Well I can't imagine anyone not liking you Crystal! I'm probably not the right person to comment on friendships either though. I had close friendships at school, but lost contact when I joined the Army. Then I made new friends and had some really deep friendships there too. When I left service 15 years later, I again lost contact with my friends. Not for any particular reason except I had new direction/interests. I keep in contact casually through facebook with a couple of them, but really, it's pretty superficial these days.

Although I am friendly with lots of ladies at church, and with some neighbours, I don't have any particularly close friends in this phase of my life. And to be honest it doesn't really worry me. I've always been super independent - it's the military side of me. I don't really feel the need to get deep and personal with others - I have my husband for that, or my mum. I have scrappy friends online and my friends at church are there if I need anything (which I rarely do). Occasionally I wish I had a girlfriend to go to the movies with, or sit and chat with, but then life gets busy again and I move on.

I guess that doesn't really answer your questions though. Sorry! I save all my deep talk/concerns for my husband. We're both pretty private, so don't tend to share the gritty stuff with others. I think people in general are fairly superficial in day to day relationships. Unless you spend a LOT of time with them, it can be hard to really get to know someone well enough to spill your heart out to them. All the people I had the strongest friendships with, were people who I went through something with - high school, military service, etc. We had a common cause, a shared experience. Nothing since then has really provided the same opportunity to bond with anyone as deep. It's such a busy world today. It's just easier I guess to stay superficial.
 
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I have a lot to say abt this, Crystal, but it is 12:47 am and I need to get a few hours of sleep before my kid yanks the covers off me while he shouts, 'Goo' mor'in', Mama!' in my face. :p

I will come back & post tomorrow.
 
I have mostly "surface" friends - probably 10 or so. I don't know why so many of my friends stay like that, quite a few of them i see at least once a week and some i ahve been seeing for once a week for coffee every tuesday for over 10 years :O i am pretty open and invite more but don't often get it.

I have 2 good friends that i talk to about everything and they talk to me about things too but it never gets really "deep" IYKWIM, i know all about their husbands, their kids, in-laws, family, all the details - they will tell me if they have a fight with their husband and what it was about or if their kids are misbehaving but we don't get into what it FEELS like - i'm the same though, i laugh a lot of stuff off and don't get too emotional in the telling.

Here's a weird thing though.... I have one really good close friend, we share EVERYTHING - i love her heaps and we get on so well - seeing her is like seeing a therapist. i tell her all the time she's my anti-depressants lol BUT and here's the weird thing, lately i have had a few stressful things happen in my life and i have been avoiding her because of it. I feel like i know i would pour it all out, i wouldn't be able to help myself, and i just think if i poured it all out it would be exhausting, like physically draining, so i avoid her

i've noticed i'm doing it, it's been quite a few weeks. We talk on FB and text and even on the phone but i've been making excuses not to visit because i don't have the energy.

So there's a thought, maybe it's not you that's stopping your friends opening up to you, maybe they're like me and just exhausted at the thought of re-living the stresses just through the re-telling of them
 
Me. I literally have no friends here where we are living at the moment. I did get to know someone from Indonesia like me, but she lives in different town and we only got to meet once. We 'talk' every now and then through Whatsapp, but it's only about our kids.

As to other friends... well, we are not that close any more. We don't catch up, because, everyone is too 'busy' with their lives. In fact, I feel like I am closer to any of my SSD fellows than those old friends. I do get depressed thinking of this matter, but I guess it's one of the risk for moving from one place to another so much in my life...

HUGS, Crystal!
 
I think so much of people's disconnect with one another is because of the false sense of connection we get from social media. We feel like we're connected with one another, know each other well, see what our friends are up to & that that suffices as 'good enough' or the same as seeing that person face-to-face... when it doesn't. We forget that social media is just the highlights, the putting on makeup & new clothes for a date, aspect of people's lives vs. the real stuff, the sweatpants & Cheetos & Netflix, that makes people people. Posting a status update that 50 people read is not even close to the same as contacting each of those people individually to tell them what's going on but we feel like it is, and that's where we get into trouble. Commenting on someone else's update makes us feel like we're reaching out and connecting when really it's the same as saying hello to a stranger on the street as you walk by; that's the same level of connection (or lack thereof) present in social media these days.

Other forms of media don't help, either. Most pop & country music describes being friends with someone or having a good time as getting drunk, getting high, having casual s*x, and/or going to a club and dancing. Those activities make you feel like you're connecting with people when you're actually not. Reality shows make us feel like we know the contestants from the overabundance of information and screen time we receive but it's really just producer-driven melodrama and confrontation to boost ratings.

I guess what I'm saying is that we live in a world that is all facade, all the time because people are scared to death to connect and feel and be people so we satiate that need for closeness with alcohol, food, s*x, working 24/7 and it doesn't work but if we do it often enough, we trick ourselves into thinking it does.
 
On a more microscopic level, I think it's hard to make friends as an adult because you don't necessarily have anything in common with the other adults you know. When you're in school, you are around the same age/life phase, have the same classes, have the same teachers, have the same activities. Once you're an adult, you have to go and seek out opportunities to meet like-minded people & then you have to find the time between work or school or your spouse or your kids to actually see those people or participate in those opportunities not to mention having the money to continue your participation.

I find it very difficult (and I know you will feel my pain, Crystal!) to make friends with anyone when I have a 2 1/2 year old. He still needs enough supervision and help from me that unless the other mom(s) have kids close in age, it is difficult to participate or be in relationship with one another. A good friend of mine and I have met up at the park before with our kids, and her kids and my daughter are old enough to go play by themselves. With him, though, I still have to keep an eye on him and/or help him use the playground equipment often enough that I can't sit and chat the whole time. It breaks up the flow of conversation and makes it hard to feel like I'm listening to her or she's listening and understanding me. He is also hard to manage at bedtime so getting away for more than a few hours, like for a gurls' weekend, is also pretty difficult at this stage. In another year or two, I know it will be much easier so I hold on and look forward to that!

Constantly reaching out is no fun. You have to decide on a case-by-case basis whether it is the person's nature to not reach out or think abt reaching out but the friendship is worth the extra effort on your part, whether that person is just going through a difficult time and needs to be reached out to for awhile without reciprocation, or whether the person is really just not interested in being friends or just not really a good friend in general. Sometimes you have to have that awkward conversation and/or 'teach' the other person, in a manner of speaking, that you want to talk abt more than just the latest reality show or your kid's math test and see how they respond. Some people may not even understand that they want a deep friendship with someone else until someone else regularly and genuinely asks how they're doing and how they feel. It might scare other people off completely, for reasons that have nothing to do with you, and you might have to drop the rope and let it be what it is. There's no one rule that applies to every relationship you have, unfortunately.
 
I think some of it has to do with stages of life and going through things together, like Jacinda mentioned. I had very close friends in school and again right after I had my oldest (we were in a group for new mothers together). When I see any of those people again, it's like we were never apart and can drop right back into that close friendship. But since then I haven't made any close friends. I have coworkers I'm friendly with and occasionally go out and do something with. With a little effort (which I'll admit I haven't made) they could easily become friends, but not the kind of share-everything-BFFs that I had when I was younger.

I tend to be quiet unless I know someone well, and in general I'm more private than I was when I was younger. I think some of it has to do with being in a phase of life where I'm more focused on family than friends and part of it has to do with loyalties. Not sure how to get across what I mean--there are things about my relationship with Dan that I could have talked about with a friend when I was 20 and we'd been together a year, but now that we've been together for 20 years it feels disloyal to him to talk about some of the negatives with anyone else. And the same is true for my kids. I can talk about my casual frustrations and worries about my kids with friends, but to say more feels like sharing someone else's secrets without their permission.

I suspect that I'll have closer friends again in the next stage of life, when my kids are grown and my focus switches again. I hope so, anyway!
 
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aww I am sad that so many of you struggle as well! :( It's so much harder now as an adult than when we were kids, don't you think? I think you all had GREAT insight for sure. LA, the social media craze definitely plays a role and I had to step back from social media so maybe that is part of the major disconnect as well. Now that people don't see me on there as much they don't think of me as often and things? And yes! 2 year olds make everything hard. All the things are a million times more difficult with a strong willed child...especially a strong willed toddler. :o

Rachel, I do suspect when my kids are more grown that maybe that will help...or at least I will have more time? I would love to have mom friends with kids like I do right now though. IT's so hard raising kids...it would be nice to have a group of ladies to encourage and learn and grow with I feel like.

I love you guys so much for opening up and talking and letting me vent/ramble about this. It's something that has been heavy on my heart so much lately. I struggle through the holidays so I ponder relationships so much at this time of year!
 
I've never had real friends growing and I don't now. I'm an only child - so I'm pretty good being myself and alone. High school was hellish with the cliches... I never got close to anyone in college... and I thought I had two really good friends at work, close enough that one stood up as my matron of honor in my wedding and the other is my son's godmother... but they decided to stop being my friend since I selected to stay home after J was born. They thought I was insane to want to spend that much time with my child... and then when we decided to homeschool, well, just sign me up for the looney farm!

I'm friendly with a few moms that get together for coffee once in awhile - but I'm odd person out... they all have 4-5 kids (I have the one)... they are still having babies (my son is nine)... they are pastor's wives (I am not - I don't know the inside jokes of seminary college or other pastors that everyone else knows). If I needed help - I don't think they would really be there for me, know what I mean?

I have my husband, my son, my parents and my digi family... and I'm okay with that. :)

And my last thought... most people I talk to just want to hear themselves talk and really don't want to hear what I have to say - you know, I only have once child - I'm not a "real" mother/I have it so easy (sorry, a bit bitter - this has happened to me so many times)... :(

Sorry... didn't mean to bring down the thread... Crystal - it's a great question to ponder. :)
 
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Do you find you have a lot of true friends? People who think of you and reach out to you?
No, not a lot. I can count on one hand (or less) the number of people that aren't related to me by blood who I consider true friends and 95% of them are online (which does NOT make them less, but it makes lonliness different and complicated because it's not like we can go out and have drinks or something). I am no longer in touch, outside of liking each others posts on Facebook, with any of my close friends from high school or college and I had core groups of friends that were CLOSE. Any friendships I've made since then have gone by the wayside so quickly, it makes me start to think there's something wrong with me. Like I'm doing something wrong. Or too needy.

Do you think people want REAL deep relationships? I don't know. I know I do, but it's hard to go all in and then crickets. It makes you feel really dumb and even more lonely. I tend to be very open about my feelings and that can be a tough pill for people to swallow sometimes (I might be uncovering part of why I am a difficult person to be close friends with here.)

Do you find people who are a bit quiet initially...or reserved so to speak...hard to talk to? It is just hard in general to know where a person is at. Like, if I am casually talking with someone, it's hard for me to know when/how to take the friendship to a "deeper level" and that's a scary leap to take for the reasons I mentioned above.


I guess that's my long long long winded way of saying...I get how you feel Crystal. :hugs:
 
I have found that I need to work REALLY FREAKING HARD to have friendships. It's constant work to maintain closeness with people. And that makes friendships hard for me, because as an ENFP I kind of need BOTH 100% extroverted people time and 'me time' for my creativity and to focus on life when it gets overwhelming. I want to be extremely close and connected to people, but I just can't compartmentalize things and reserve space for people and their needs or reach out when I go through my inward phases. So... it's just a constant battle for me. And I've learned it's just who I am.

I've finally gotten to the point where I have 5 close friends at the same time and a bunch of ladies I'm casual friends with (for group stuff), this is huge for me. 10 years ago I had ZERO close friends other than my mom and husband and only a handful of people I'd consider friends (not including my coworkers). I think what helped me develop more friendships is that now I take time to reach out to them, and I've found ways to work around my quirks... planning in advance so stuff is scheduled and spontaneously reaching out to see if anyone wants to join when I do stuff like get coffee, the playground with the kids, or Target; instead of doing stuff alone (which is hard for me, because sometimes I just kind of want to be alone).

I even begin friendships now with a disclaimer... like, I am probably going to be hot and cold, Like Picasso's rose period and blue period - but it doesn't mean I don't want to be close friends. I can pick back up with people like we never skipped a beat... but not all friends can do that with me. Certain people just can't help but take it personally and think I don't like them when I 'disappear'. So I actually tend to be able to maintain better friendships with people who are not super needy, who are a lot like me (those friends I barely see though) or really "perfect friend people" who have lots of other flourishing friendships to keep them occupied when I am in my loner phases. I wish I had a Diana Barry to my Anne Shirley, but I haven't found that friend yet! I still feel like my DH and mom combined kind of fill that role for me so I don't really NEED a super duper close BFF.
 
YepBrook said:
I have found that I need to work REALLY FREAKING HARD to have friendships. It's constant work to maintain closeness with people. And that makes friendships hard for me, because as an ENFP I kind of need BOTH 100% extroverted people time and 'me time' for my creativity and to focus on life when it gets overwhelming. I want to be extremely close and connected to people, but I just can't compartmentalize things and reserve space for people and their needs or reach out when I go through my inward phases. So... it's just a constant battle for me. And I've learned it's just who I am.

I've finally gotten to the point where I have 5 close friends at the same time and a bunch of ladies I'm casual friends with (for group stuff), this is huge for me. 10 years ago I had ZERO close friends other than my mom and husband and only a handful of people I'd consider friends (not including my coworkers). I think what helped me develop more friendships is that now I take time to reach out to them, and I've found ways to work around my quirks... planning in advance so stuff is scheduled and spontaneously reaching out to see if anyone wants to join when I do stuff like get coffee, the playground with the kids, or Target; instead of doing stuff alone (which is hard for me, because sometimes I just kind of want to be alone).

I even begin friendships now with a disclaimer... like, I am probably going to be hot and cold, Like Picasso's rose period and blue period - but it doesn't mean I don't want to be close friends. I can pick back up with people like we never skipped a beat... but not all friends can do that with me. Certain people just can't help but take it personally and think I don't like them when I 'disappear'. So I actually tend to be able to maintain better friendships with people who are not super needy, who are a lot like me (those friends I barely see though) or really "perfect friend people" who have lots of other flourishing friendships to keep them occupied when I am in my loner phases. I wish I had a Diana Barry to my Anne Shirley, but I haven't found that friend yet! I still feel like my DH and mom combined kind of fill that role for me so I don't really NEED a super duper close BFF.
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I can relate to so much of this (And I adore the Anne of Green Gables reference!). Before and immediately following my divorce, I'd say I had no "real" friends. Most of the women I knew and occasionally hung out with were either people I met through my daughter's school/extracurricular activities or people I knew through my husband or my job. I was so lonely and envious of people with actual girlfriends.

I'd say the biggest thing that changed for me was joining a local young professionals group and meeting people my own age who were in a similar place in life in terms of careers, relationships, etc. I now have two girls who I consider my "besties" and several more in my extended circle...FINALLY.

I think Brook is right in that friendships are hard work, and in my experience, many people don't want to put in the work required. They don't want to hear about your marital or financial problems or when your boss is being a jerk or your kid is struggling at school; they only want to do and talk about the fun things. And that's where I struggled for so many years. I put my heart and soul into relationships and just didn't feel like I was getting the same in return.

Sorry for writing a novel. I just wanted to say you're definitely not alone, Crystal. Many of us have been there and know how it feels. I'd just like to say - for what it's worth - I think you are amazing. You are so kind and thoughtful and creative and talented, and I am so happy our paths crossed, even if it's just in the online world. :wub:
 
I think in todays day and age where we have social media, snapchat, texting, etc. that it is harder for people to connect outside of the device than online. It's really easy to strike up a conversation online, even if you are the biggest wallflower or shyest person. Do you know, the moms on my son's birth board think I'm funny---me?! My family think I have zero humor, yet someone on the other side of the screen thinks I'm the funniest?!

So yes, I think a lot of people, including our children, suffer when it comes to making true friendships. How many times have you, myself, anyone you know invest time and energy in to someone online and found out they were a fraud or dropped you after years, "just because"? My daughter is going through this with a really good friend she met through a homeschooling group. She invested three-years in to their friendship. We've sent birthday and Christmas presents, we even talked about visiting with her the next time we went to Michigan. She was supposed to come out here this summer to visit with us in our new home. What happened? Towards the end of the month, my daughter came home from school with hateful words on her ipod from someone she really cared about, someone I considered a "daughter". She blocked my daughter on all social media, removed me from all social media and is refusing to answer her phone. Why? We don't know. She woke up one day and decided enough was enough and broke the friendship, via text.

And I'm sorry to say that happens more and more and the more people spend time online and in social media, it's becoming the norm. So when someone wants to meet offline, people have their guard way up and have a harder time connecting with someone. I'm experiencing this now with our most recent move. A lot of the wives in the FB group are complaining no one wants to meet or have playdates, they'd rather spend time online chatting--when they live in the same town! I didn't believe it, but wow, after living her for months, I've experienced it! I'm beginning to think online is the new "friendship".

With that said, I have one true best friend. She's part of this community, Dawn (Aussiegirl)! I've known her for many years, but it wasn't until we moved away and through social media, chat, etc that our friendship blossomed and grew in to the solid friendship that we have. Now, thankfully we can talk to each other daily by phone, text and through Yahoo messenger. We share our layouts with one another, watching our children grow. So while social media can hinder friendships, it can also grow friendships.

Every move we make, I struggle to find friends locally. I did find a really good, Godly woman here and I'm so thankful for our friendship. However just last night, as her husband was helping us with our yard, he said they might be moving overseas...I'm not going to lie, but my heart was broken. This is the first move we have ever made that I instantly connected with someone weeks after moving. Usually it takes me years to find someone local that I want to spend time with, invite over, etc. Having friends is hard work. Getting friends is a lot harder. I don't know what I'm going to do if my friend does move overseas (except visit her one day, of course) because I'll be back to ground zero with no leads on any new friends and not a lot of people willing to reach outside of their social media comfort zone.

Every move we've ever made (if you know me, you know we move a lot), I always pray that God gives me one good friend. He's never failed me. I just sometimes get too impatient and want God to deliver right away. So if you are feeling like you want more out of a friendship, want a tight friendship, pray. Ask God for guidance, direction and Him to send the right friend your way!!
 
I'm an introvert and I feel like I become more of one as the years go by so my comments might not mean much :D

Do you find you have a lot of true friends? People who think of you and reach out to you? No, I don't. I have some that come & go. Some that reach out when they need something. And I've also learned to stay a little closed off from friends and that's heartbreaking. When I get close to a friend, I hear something or learn that they've talked about our talks to others...spreading things and gossiping. But I also think that's my (old) neighborhood and also the fact that those that go to my church are also my neighbors so everyone sees everything, ya know? I had a HORRIBLE thing happen in May and the consequences of that meant I have been closed off ever since. I had true friends in high school & we all keep in touch through IG & FB. We're all super busy moms though so we don't see each other very often. I know that my life right now is my kids. They're so busy so that means I'm so busy and I'm ok with that.

Do you think people want REAL deep relationships? Yes and no. I think people want REAL deep relationships when they benefit themselves. I had a great friendship where we both helped each other out so much! It was so great to have her. And then she moved out of state. It was hard and I haven't found a friendship quite like that since. I'm all in when I feel like the feelings are shared, ya know? If I know you'd do anything for me then i'll bend over backwards to help you. But i've gotten burned more than once with that.

Do you find people who are a bit quiet initially...or reserved so to speak...hard to talk to? Yes because I am one. I hate small talk and am so awkward with that. I know people think of me as snotty or shy, except for my family. They know I love to talk and that's because i'm close to them. It's hard work to get to know me and while I try to be outgoing, that's exhausting too. So then I don't do it nearly as much...then i'm back to shy & quiet...and the cycle repeats :D It's especially hard since i'm the newbie in our neighborhood & at our new church.

I feel like i'm so jaded now after writing my replies & reading everyone else's! This day & age makes friendships hard. I love my online friends & feel more connected with them because of hobbies & life's passions.
 
I have a really hard time making friends because I hate the initial awkward getting-to-know-you stage, but I REALLY need the deep tell-me-all-your-feelings stage. I'm really fortunate to have two friends who know me inside and out and make time for me on a regular basis. I have a handful of other good friends that I meet for coffee regularly, and they each hold a special place in my heart. I think maybe because we are expats we warm up more quickly simply because we have to! And we're all more conscious of welcoming new people because we've all been new, and we know how hard it is to be lonely.

My two close friendships both started because we both had small kids and would do playdates at our houses. I would never have had friends when my kids were little if I didn't have friends bring their kids and come over, and I would have drowned in loneliness if I hadn't had those friendships.
 
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