Dh is on admin leave :(

I feel bad for him. Hopefully he can find his focus soon.

I'm also going to say- is he aware that you are sharing this information online? This is not something I would post in a public forum. While he might still be your spouse, he won't be for much longer and this may not be something he wants shared online. I understand you wanting advice from people, but it might be a better idea to get a small group of people together and have a private message or facebook group to ask questions and such in.
 
NeverendingJen said:
I feel bad for him. Hopefully he can find his focus soon.

I'm also going to say- is he aware that you are sharing this information online? This is not something I would post in a public forum. While he might still be your spouse, he won't be for much longer and this may not be something he wants shared online. I understand you wanting advice from people, but it might be a better idea to get a small group of people together and have a private message or facebook group to ask questions and such in.
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You know what, I didn't even think of that. He knows I'm sharing stuff about our pending divorce here, but not necessarily this particular detail. I'll see what he thinks. Thanks Jen.

Also, I think it's going to take me a long time to stop thinking of him as my spouse. I don't know how to do that.
 
You know, I think I'll leave this up for today to get a little insight from anyone who has used this type of leave, and then take it down. Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. My emotions are all over the place and my logic isn't so hot right now.
 
My friend's husband has bipolar disorder and lots of anxiety. He was hospitalized (psych ward) a few years ago when he was really struggling. The difficult part was that he works at a hospital and was admitted to that hospital. It had to be done, and did help. But it was a hard time. He did go back to work and has been doing well since (relatively speaking). I'll pray for you guys!
 
It will take you a long time because you have been together a long time. Besides that, you are still living together with no immediate plans to physically separate. It will be impossible to move on until one of you has literally moved on/out.

I feel sorry for him, too. If you have had one foot out the door for several years, whatever your relationship was previous to the affair is his normal even if it was not a normal relationship. Besides that, if you have never talked to him abt your unhappiness and/or he didn't really understand what you were saying or took you seriously, this is a huge emotional bombshell to have to deal with and work through in a relatively short amount of time. You had years to fall out of love and mourn the death of your relationship; it's only been a few weeks for him. He needs time and patience and love.

However you feel abt him now, he is the father of your children and your spouse. You really should try to reach out to him and see what he needs and then try to make that happen. Maybe he needs some more physical space. Maybe he wants to talk abt it. Maybe he just wants a heartfelt apology. I don't know. He might not know. You could let him know, though, that you want to make things right/better by being sensitive to his needs as he works through losing such a giant part of his life without any warning and without getting to choose to lose it.

You don't have to get back together with him but you could make these next few/last weeks with him something you can be proud to be a part of.
 
When I was going through separation and divorce, it was hard to move on when I didn't know if we were for sure divorcing, or getting back together, or what. It was like a bandaid that was being so slowly ripped off. Once a final decision was made by him, I was able to regroup and start piecing my life together on my own. It was the stage of not knowing that tore me apart. So I'd suggest making decisions together so you are on the same page about what is going to happen. Once that happens, perhaps acceptance and then moving forward with the new life can be achieved. I wish you both well.
 
LeeAndra said:
However you feel abt him now, he is the father of your children and your spouse. You really should try to reach out to him and see what he needs and then try to make that happen. Maybe he needs some more physical space. Maybe he wants to talk abt it. .
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This. Right here. This is what hurts my heart. When he first started struggling at work I wanted to comfort and listen to him, but he wouldn't have anything to do with it. He's too hurt. It's so hard to sit back and watch this man suffer and not share it with him. I'm thinking that with him being home so much he might let me in again. I'm still the same person, even if he sees me differently.

He's been saying/doing some pretty unfair things, and I know it's out of pain, but it's hard to remember that in the moment. It usually takes me a day or two to see through what he was doing and see the hurt that is causing it.

It's good to have people remind me of this, because I checked out emotionally a long time ago and, like you said, it's really fresh to him. I tried for a long time to express my loneliness, but he didn't believe the severity of it. We could play the blame game all day long though.
 
Honestly, this is really something you should discuss with your therapist. And maybe you guys can see a therapist together, because if nothing else, finding closure on your marriage and figuring out a good working relationship for the sake of your kids is important. He might not be ready for that now, but maybe someday he will.
 
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