If you noticed i disappeared...

Valgal

Valgal

New member
If you noticed I disappeared it's because I kinda did. First my scrap time and creative energy was replaced by my interest in a new hobby. And then my new hobby took over my marriage. And then my new hobby was exposed and got to play a part in the end of my marriage.

Yep. I cheated on my husband and am in the process of getting a divorce.

Yep, I am 'that girl.'

I've been unhappy for years and years and years (and John has known this) and a guy showed up that gave me attention and affection and I fell for him HARD... and stupidly never deleted any of our HUNDREDS of text messages. During our boy's graduation party John noticed some interaction between this guy and I that made him suspicious and after I went to sleep he went into my phone and struck gold.

Been a sloppy, dirty, heart-breaking, freeing mess ever since. Ironically enough I broke up with this guy over the weekend (I called it quits) and my heart is in about 600 little pieces, but I know that the end of my marriage is still necessary. It's beyond repair and NOT just because of the affair.

Felt like it's finally time to let you guys know.
 
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I had noticed you'd disappeared! Sounds like a rollercoaster few months! I hope you find your happy place soon!!
 
Oh, Val!!! :crying: What a mess, I'm so sorry! :( I hope your family can heal and recover from this soon. Wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big hug. <3
 
I can only say: life is CRAZY, huh? You don't even know when everything is going to change and then: bum! All changes!! And sometimes (most of the times?) it is all we need. :)

Hope you have the strength to make YOUR life better now. YOU DESERVE it. For you and your family. ♥

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(((hugs)))
 
Oh my! I hope you will get back on your feet and find your balance again very soon! (((hugs)))
 
I'm sorry it's been such a difficult few months. It sounds like there's been a ton of change in your life lately, and I hope soon you're able to come out the other side and be happier.

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Rubia Padilha said:
Hope you have the strength to make YOUR life better now. YOU DESERVE it. For you and your family. ♥



(((hugs)))
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THIS is the part I'm working on. I spent a couple weeks out of state at my sister's getting my confidence together otherwise I'd still be sulking around here like a whipped puppy. I'm practicing how to stand up for myself and not be pushed around. Doing what I need to do NOW and not think too far ahead. Just doing the 'next right thing.'

I feel like one really BIG HUGE THING I did was to break up with this guy. Trust me, super hard. (couldn't let him come around the kids, rumors were nuts, not a healthy foundation for a relationship, etc...) He was the one solace in this mess... now I've got JUST the mess. Kinda dumb to expect anyone to praise me for that, but I gave myself a little pat on my back.
 
And believe me that I do NOT expect anyone to feel sorry for me. It's easy to sit back and judge the 'cheater'. I've done it a gazillion times. It's quite different from this side, but still, I get it.
 
Valgal said:
And believe me that I do NOT expect anyone to feel sorry for me. It's easy to sit back and judge the 'cheater'. I've done it a gazillion times. It's quite different from this side, but still, I get it.
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By saying 'sorry', I am not judging you at all. You are hurting and your heart is broken, so that's what I'm saying sorry for. :( It's a sensitive subject... we are just trying to say the right thing to comfort you. Forgive me if I offended you with my response.
 
I did miss you!
Oh Val, I feel sorry for you and your family. I hope you and your family can heal.
Big hug girlie. Hope you feel better soon.
 
That's what I love about this community, the family comraderie, noone judges and we're all here for each other. I noticed you weren't around, but figured it's "LIFE". I will say this, I've been through the SAME exact thing you are going through. Miserable in the marriage and did the unthinkable (I was the "good girl", "goody goody"...but alas, that train of thought went out the window as so did my marriage). Of course, I SHOULD'VE ended my marriage before taking that "leap" as many of my other friends would tell me and now of course, they don't speak to me, OH WELL...they weren't my friends and who knows, maybe HE was cheating on me with them (I have proof he was, not that it's important nor an excuse for me). I just know I needed to walk away and it wasn't pretty either.

To make a LONG story short cuz it's NOT about me....this is your time and need all the confidence and support from all of us. I stayed with the man I "cheated" with and we are SO happy.....for us, it was like we should've met decades ago. We have a 3 year old son together and to be honest, I wouldn't change anything if I was given the opportunity. The grass IS always greener....I'm a true testament.

I'm basically saying, IF and that's a BIG "if"....if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you love....seriously. (((((huge virtual hugs))))) I love what Ru sent...awesome meme! ::wubz::
 
YepBrook said:
By saying 'sorry', I am not judging you at all. You are hurting and your heart is broken, so that's what I'm saying sorry for. :( It's a sensitive subject... we are just trying to say the right thing to comfort you. Forgive me if I offended you with my response.
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OHMYGOSH not at all! That was taken wrong. I didn't feel judged by you at all.
 
Sweeet said:
That's what I love about this community, the family comraderie, noone judges and we're all here for each other. I noticed you weren't around, but figured it's "LIFE". I will say this, I've been through the SAME exact thing you are going through. Miserable in the marriage and did the unthinkable (I was the "good girl", "goody goody"...but alas, that train of thought went out the window as so did my marriage). Of course, I SHOULD'VE ended my marriage before taking that "leap" as many of my other friends would tell me and now of course, they don't speak to me, OH WELL...they weren't my friends and who knows, maybe HE was cheating on me with them (I have proof he was, not that it's important nor an excuse for me). I just know I needed to walk away and it wasn't pretty either.

To make a LONG story short cuz it's NOT about me....this is your time and need all the confidence and support from all of us. I stayed with the man I "cheated" with and we are SO happy.....for us, it was like we should've met decades ago. We have a 3 year old son together and to be honest, I wouldn't change anything if I was given the opportunity. The grass IS always greener....I'm a true testament.

I'm basically saying, IF and that's a BIG "if"....if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you love....seriously. (((((huge virtual hugs))))) I love what Ru sent...awesome meme! ::wubz::
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No seriously I loved this. I've had to pull away from mostly everyone I know because the message I'm getting over and over is 'repent and works towards reconciliation'. Well, we're past that point, folks! I just need compassion, even if they don't feel I deserve it. I've been broken and sad for most of my marriage... I just kept my chin up and played the good wife game is all.

Maybe when I get settled in my apartment he and I will try again. I'm not sure. Maybe I won't want to by then. I'm just a big swirled up mess at this point. And I need to concentrate on my kids.
 
Sorry to hear your heart is broken, Val! You know, we have a saying here, it goes like "Every bad thing happens for a (good) reason" -- it means that if something bad happens, something good will follow. So, keep your head up, be strong, adapt and overcome! The sun will rise after the dark night, right? I'm sure something good is coming your way!
 
I did notice you were gone & missed you! :hugs:

As someone who was cheated on by my ex-husband with his 'business partner,' this is something I am sensitive abt & I know it.

I do wish you & your kids the best, though, and I hope you're able to work through the mess and come out the other side better for it.
 
Oh, Val...a million hugs coming your way! I did notice you were gone and was worried. I almost messaged you a few times but didn't want to seem nosy. I do understand what it's like to be in an unhappy marriage and how hard and scary it is to walk away from what's familiar and comfortable and safe. Kudos to you for having the guts to do that.

I'm so very sorry that you're hurting, and I'll just echo what Jenna said. If you ever need someone to talk to or listen or vent to or anything at all, I'm right here. No one knows what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes, so try to ignore and rise above the gossip and judgment. It's not anyone's place to do those things. Again, big hugs to you. You are a strong, intelligent, thoughtful, and beautiful soul, and you're going to be just fine. Hang in there. :wub:
 
I also want to add that by you "admitting" is your first step to healing....it'll take time honey, many will judge and point the finger, but be strong like I told you, hold your head up high and don't let it eat you up. You are much stronger than that, from what I've learned within this forum of great women.

WE (You and I and who knows, there may be others) are not proud of what we did and we don't need the outside world to remind us. We learned from our errors and can only grow from it and be a much better person for ourselves, our family we do have, as well as, the true friends who will stick by us no matter the circumstance.

Love ya and I love all you here too...yep I went THERE! <3
 
LeeAndra said:
I did notice you were gone & missed you! :hugs:

As someone who was cheated on by my ex-husband with his 'business partner,' this is something I am sensitive abt & I know it.

I do wish you & your kids the best, though, and I hope you're able to work through the mess and come out the other side better for it.
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I totally understand and respect this. I would feel the same I'm sure.
 
Hugs, Val! I've missed you a lot! I pray for healing & strength for you & your family.


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I also wanted to say, Val, that things do get better.

A friend of mine had a long-term (like 5 or 6 years off and on) affair and only 'came out' with the news to her friends after her lover's wife found out and threatened to go public. Things got really ugly as both marriages ended, and most of her immediate family stopped speaking to her. She and her lover tried to have a normal relationship now that they were both finally single but it was just wasn't the same, I guess. They split up for good abt 6 months later.

All that is to say that my friend spent the next 18 months single (for the first time in her adult life) and making peace with her family. She was in such a great place, and that is when she met a great guy. They have been together the last 5 years, and I have never seen her happier.
 
Oh, Val! When I asked where you've been on Instagram I just thought maybe you were busy with life. I never meant to pry. I can't imagine how hard this has been for you and your family. Sending you lots and lots of hugs.

How are the kids doing?
 
Thanks, LeeAndra. I think I need to be in a healthy place as an adult too. I am the poster child for a grown up with father issues. Literally married John as a father figure, people knew this and were worried. I was only 19. John was more than happy to be the 'dad' in our relationship and as these 18 years have progressed I have grown and matured and realized just how dysfunctional this is.

My message to other wives is going to be this... if you find yourself attracted to another man you need to RUUUUUUUUUUUUN for your life and your marriage. Do not flirt around with the idea that you can have a husband and a 'really good guy friend' (pun intended.)
 
carrie1977 said:
Oh, Val! When I asked where you've been on Instagram I just thought maybe you were busy with life. I never meant to pry. I can't imagine how hard this has been for you and your family. Sending you lots and lots of hugs.

How are the kids doing?
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You weren't prying at all! I had actually just posted this or I wouldn't have said anything. The kids are hanging in there. Eden is mostly perplexed. She is 14 and her world is about her and now it's changing w/o her permission. Johnny (17) is a clam as usual, but I guess he had a good talk with his youth leader the other day. Jake (also 17, my adopted son) is pissed as hell at me. Still not talking to me. He just needs time. He actually said that if I stay with this guy that he will never come over to my apartment or talk to me. :crying:
 
Valgal said:
You weren't prying at all! I had actually just posted this or I wouldn't have said anything. The kids are hanging in there. Eden is mostly perplexed. She is 14 and her world is about her and now it's changing w/o her permission. Johnny (17) is a clam as usual, but I guess he had a good talk with his youth leader the other day. Jake (also 17, my adopted son) is pissed as hell at me. Still not talking to me. He just needs time. He actually said that if I stay with this guy that he will never come over to my apartment or talk to me. :crying:
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Oooooh...ok...I didn't notice the time stamp to see that you had already posted it.

I'm sure Jake will come around. Divorce is hard for everyone involved no matter how old you are. Did they stay in the house with your husband then? Sorry...I'm probably being so nosy. You don't have to answer that if you don't want to. :p

Hang in there, girl!
 
Oh Val, I have no words of wisdom and certainly could never pass judgment on anyone as I would never presume to know what is going on in anyone's life, since I don't live their life. I hope you find your way and make it to your happy place because that's what life is about - being at peace and happy. I know first hand that we never have as much time as we think/hope/want and you need to live the life that makes you happy.
 
carrie1977 said:
Oooooh...ok...I didn't notice the time stamp to see that you had already posted it.

I'm sure Jake will come around. Divorce is hard for everyone involved no matter how old you are. Did they stay in the house with your husband then? Sorry...I'm probably being so nosy. You don't have to answer that if you don't want to. :p

Hang in there, girl!
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You can ask whatever you want. It's nice to talk about actually, a little therapeutic (and yes, I relied on spell check for that word.) We are still here in the house. Pretty cozy, eh? I can't move out until I have temporary joint custody of Eden. I'm getting everything lined up, but I don't know when it will actually happen. In Mi you have a 6 month waiting period before a divorce is final when you have children, so... if John wants to be a booger and not help me move out, we're all here till February. Won't that be fun? :blink:
 
Valgal said:
You weren't prying at all! I had actually just posted this or I wouldn't have said anything. The kids are hanging in there. Eden is mostly perplexed. She is 14 and her world is about her and now it's changing w/o her permission. Johnny (17) is a clam as usual, but I guess he had a good talk with his youth leader the other day. Jake (also 17, my adopted son) is pissed as hell at me. Still not talking to me. He just needs time. He actually said that if I stay with this guy that he will never come over to my apartment or talk to me. :crying:
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So sorry to read this... big hug to you girl.
I cannot imagine how hard this must be. I hope Jake comes around.
 
I, too, wondered if life was keeping you busy - I see you post once in awhile on facebook... well, that sucks, Val... given all that is going down, you seem to have a healthy attitude about it... Sending you many hugs... and heres to the next chapter of life! :hugs:
 
((Hugs Val)) Everyone makes choices that are not the best at times it doesn't make us bad it makes us human. I hope you can focus on you and what you are missing to feel whole.
 
Valgal said:
You can ask whatever you want. It's nice to talk about actually, a little therapeutic (and yes, I relied on spell check for that word.) We are still here in the house. Pretty cozy, eh? I can't move out until I have temporary joint custody of Eden. I'm getting everything lined up, but I don't know when it will actually happen. In Mi you have a 6 month waiting period before a divorce is final when you have children, so... if John wants to be a booger and not help me move out, we're all here till February. Won't that be fun? :blink:
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Man, I can't imagine being in the same house is easy.
 
One thing though... if I'm irritated with something he's done or whatever, I can bring it up right away instead of having it eat away at me. Like, he kept texting me all these really mean things so when he got home from work one day I asked him to stop sending me all that stuff or I would block his number and to go ahead and say them directly TO MY FACE and leave my phone out of it.

He agreed.
 
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