Please help me! I'm really concerned about my child.

Y

yari

Sweet Shoppe Designer
I have a 6 year old child and I am starting to get worried about the behavior this child is showing, starting to think that maybe there's something else there that I wasn't aware of. I'm not one to just go to pills and psychology and stuff but this child's symptoms seem very much like the ADHD symptoms. My child also has cousins that have been diagnosed with ADHD. I would be too scared to give my child medication though due to the side effects.

Here are the symtoms and I just don't know what to do anymore. If any of you have experience with this, please help or if you just have any helpful input.

-stealing
-lying
-disobedient (very much so, not defiant or angry, just doesn't do what is told, will just not do it at all and will continue to do the thing that my child has been told not to do, repeatedly)
-very messy (my child's bad choices constantly involve some sort of mess)
-unorganized (extremely)
-loses things all the time
-constantly makes bad choices (at home and at school)
-consequences don't face my child AT ALL, I have yet to find something that works for this child

I have been having problems with this child since this child was like 8 months old. It was almost impossible to change their diaper. Like, I had to use both my legs and both my arms to keep this baby down in order to change their diaper! I just don't know what to do. I am starting to wonder if there's something else but I really am very hesitant to take my child to the doctor about this because children make these kinds of choices sometimes anyway, right? But I really am exhausted about the behavior of this child and I don't know what to do anymore. Help please!
 
I should add that I have 4 children and that this child is by far my most difficult child out of all of them. But this child has a lot of good too, very sweet and shows me soooo much love like none of my other kids do. Just very, very sweet. Consequences simply do NOT face this child at all. This child just does not care about the consequences.
 
Sounds a lot like Josiah. He does all of the above and doesn't seem to care at all that he will be punished. Of course, he screams and whines about the punishment when it happens but it won't keep him from doing it in the future. I just chalk it up to his sneaky nature and make a mental note to really be aware when he's a teen. LOL!

I asked the doctor about ADHD and his teacher as well and they both say that he CAN pay attention, he just chooses to be defiant.
 
I have a very defiant 6 year old. He wants nothing more than to do what he wants to do. Though I found him in tears the other day because he said "no one loves him." I was shocked that he would say that. When I asked him why he felt that way he said it was because everyone is always yelling at him. I held him in my arms and cried and told him that I love him so much and that the only reason he gets yelled at so much is because he doesn't listen....That I don't want to yell at him but nothing seems to get him moving unless I do. I am not sure he understood that but I kept telling him how much I love him and that if we could both try harder, I wouldn't have to yell and he could try and listen more.

Blah it's so hard being a mother. He is my youngest of the 5 and very much so different than the other kids. But I totally understand your fear for the ADHD label but if you truly think there is a possibility that your child might have ADHD then it's better to get it treated now than later....Hugs and GL!
 
my middle dd has ADHD, Yari. She definitely has the attitude of your child, but not so much the insistent disobeying (well, no, I guess she really does have this problem, too). Its more like she could care less what you take away from her or how long you make her sit in her room, ya know. She's just like "Whatever"at any sort of punishment. The adhd though, for her at least, is more not being able to concentrate for long periods of time, outbursts of behavior for not being able to control herself, She is also extremely messy and unorganized and forgets things a lot. The absolute only thing that has helped her is medicine, but like you I am really hesitant about that... but she started taking it last year finally...at 13. There was just nothing else we could do at that point. As for the behavior I do not know what to do about it still I struggle with this every single day. Know you are not alone if nothing else. ((hugs))
 
My 8 year old granddaughter is all of the above plus a bully in school. Every time I get a phone call from school I sit and cry. My husband and I have custody and she has been with us since she was 4 years old due to something she said to me about her Mommy's boyfriend and the 3 letter word that begins with s and ends in x. Oh her Mommy is still with said boyfriend and believes him over her daughter.
Anyway right now she has therapy sessions and knows right from wrong. She tells me she doesn't know how to be good. She has pulled some of the awfullest temper tamtrums I have ever seen! She has attacked me and left bruises and broken my skin to where it bleeds. But I still love her and it saddens me that she is this way. Sometimes I blame myself because we had to take her away from her Mommy but if we hadn't she would still be in the situation she was in when we took her. So I am wondering if it is because of her situation that she was in or is it because we took her out of the situation? She can be a very sweet and loving child one minute and in the next a complete turnaround!
Hang in there Jari. I support you and know where you are coming from. I don't want to put her on drugs and neither does my husband but sometimes I wonder if it will help her.
 
The behaviors you listed are exactly the same for my 6 year old (minus the stealing), so I would say they are pretty typical behaviors for kids that age. {hugs} It's tough. Our oldest (age 8) never displayed this type of behavior, so it's been interesting to deal with!
 
xboxmom said:
Blah it's so hard being a mother. He is my youngest of the 5 and very much so different than the other kids. But I totally understand your fear for the ADHD label but if you truly think there is a possibility that your child might have ADHD then it's better to get it treated now than later....Hugs and GL!
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I would agree that having him evaluated now rather than later would be a whole lot better than waiting. Early intervention is so important with a variety of different types of things. I've seen kids respond so well with early intervention!

I have a friend with a son who has autisim. Other than the most obvious lack of speech when he was small, one of the other clear behaviors I remember with him was that she couldn't discipline him at all. He thought it was funny. Didn't care, etc. He wasn't defiant or rebellious, he was just in another world that didn't relate to this one at all. He has done so well with special care. For him it was a special classroom and a very specific change in diet.

You might consider looking at your son's diet and see if ithere is a pattern relating to his moods. We all try to avoid sugar & caffeine with kids but you might also look at gluten/wheat intake too. That was a big one with my friend. Or other food allergies too.

Just to be clear, I'm not saying your son is autistic (there would have to be other things going on too), just that his behaviors might be early warning signs for whatever is going on that you might want to pay attention too while he is still young.
 
Man, you guys. Definitely thanks for sharing your experiences and thoughts and support. You know, I am really wondering about this child but I guess one of my fears is to think of myself as a parent who just had to resort to meds and just in denial. I have no idea what to do, but maybe I will take her for a consultation to the doctor. I just don't the doc to say it's all in my mind and then me believing it and just thinking worse of myself for having gone to see the doctor. So it's a lot of different fears, I just don't know what to do. :(
 
I am sorry you are going through this.

My oldest DS was just diagnosed with ADHD and memory disorder over the summer.

Over the years, I have known in my heart something was wrong but just thought all would get better. Every year in school until 5th grade, I would get calls about his impulsive behavior. I had him tested in the spring hoping it would show nothing and we would just move on. I can't tell you how much I cried after that appointment. But, so glad I had him tested.

I was very hesitant about giving him medications and very against it. But, I started him right before school and wow, I thought to myself "Why did I wait so long?" He is doing better in school and at home...he still has some issues, but is A LOT happier and doesn't hate/dread going to school anymore.

Maybe just talk to your pediatrician...good luck to you and (HUGS) I know it can be very tough. I dealt with this behavior for 11 years.
 
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kristijoy said:
I would agree that having him evaluated now rather than later would be a whole lot better than waiting. Early intervention is so important with a variety of different types of things. I've seen kids respond so well with early intervention!

I have a friend with a son who has autisim. Other than the most obvious lack of speech when he was small, one of the other clear behaviors I remember with him was that she couldn't discipline him at all. He thought it was funny. Didn't care, etc. He wasn't defiant or rebellious, he was just in another world that didn't relate to this one at all. He has done so well with special care. For him it was a special classroom and a very specific change in diet.

You might consider looking at your son's diet and see if ithere is a pattern relating to his moods. We all try to avoid sugar & caffeine with kids but you might also look at gluten/wheat intake too. That was a big one with my friend. Or other food allergies too.

Just to be clear, I'm not saying your son is autistic (there would have to be other things going on too), just that his behaviors might be early warning signs for whatever is going on that you might want to pay attention too while he is still young.
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Wow Kristi thank you so much for this valuable feedback. And the whole speech delay makes me think of my 2 1/2 year old child who says nothing at all, not even mama or dada. :( I think I will make an appointment and see how it goes. I am so afraid of putting her on meds (even though meds help me). :( What a weird contradiction.
 
My son turns 6 this month. You all saying your 6 years do this scares me. As for you, Yari, I'm not sure what could be causing it, but what if you take him to talk to a therapist. Maybe there's a reason he acts that way? Idk, I have no experience though.
 
myapronstrings said:
I am sorry you are going through this.

My oldest DS was just diagnosed with ADHD and memory disorder over the summer.

Over the years, I have known in my heart something was wrong but just thought all would get better. Every year in school until 5th grade, I would get calls about his impulsive behavior. I had him tested in the spring hoping it would show nothing and we would just move on. I can't tell you how much I cried after that appointment. But, so glad I had him tested.

I was very hesitant about giving him medications and very against it. But, I started him right before school and wow, I thought to myself "Why did I wait so long?" He is doing better in school and at home...he still has some issues, but is A LOT happier and doesn't hate/dread going to school anymore.

Maybe just talk to your pediatrician...good luck to you and (HUGS) I know it can be very tough. I dealt with this behavior for 11 years.
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Thank you so much Erin, this does give me hope and encouragement to make at least one step to seeking help. Thank you.
 
lovely1m said:
My son turns 6 this month. You all saying your 6 years do this scares me. As for you, Yari, I'm not sure what could be causing it, but what if you take him to talk to a therapist. Maybe there's a reason he acts that way? Idk, I have no experience though.
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Thanks Mari, that's another great suggestion that I had not thought of. So thank you!
 
My 8 year old was diagnosed with adhd this past spring. He was struggling so much in school and with behavior, and he just has no impulse control. I know he is trying so hard, and we saw that this past year, but he was getting so discouraged and so hard on himself because he just could not do the things he knew he should be doing.

Anyway, the things you described are definitely pointing in the direction of adhd, but they could also be something else (they did some testing for depression/anxiety with reecey too, but i know there are a few other disorders that can present with those symptoms). I can not recommend it enough to go see your pediatrician. There are lots of options for adhd kids, and a referal to a psychologist could be just the thing you need. We had him diagnosed through our pediatrician, and then we tested again with a psychologist so I feel confident that we have come to the right conclusion.

We did decide on medication - and although it is a process of finding what the right thing is for him, medication can make all the difference. Reece was like a different kid as far as schoolwork went, after starting meds. Feeling like he was behind was a total stresser and a trigger for him, and it was making him feel so badly about himself. I am not saying that medication is a must do for you, only you can decide - but they are also not all bad (there is sooooo much stigma right now surrounding meds, and it is unfortunate because i think it makes people feel guilty for even considering it.) If you do decide to try that route, I would whole heartedly encourage you to do it through a psychiatrist or some sort of medication specialist, instead of through your pediatrician, our ped is GREAT - but i was amazed at how much more the psychiatric nurse practitioner at reece's therapy office knew and I feel much more informed as well.

Also, therapy has been a HUGE help to Reece - when we first went for our initial visit, the therapist explained to Reece some of the struggles ADHD kids tend to face, and after she said it he looked at her and said "that is EXACTLY how I have been feeling but I didn't know the words to say it" - it was really touching and has been priceless to have a place for him to feel understood. She has also given him and us some great strategies for dealing with his intense emotional outbursts and it has taken a bit of the pressure off of me as a parent. I needed that more than I can express.

Ok, this is a novel, but I wanted to say this too. There are all sorts of different types of kids and they are all wonderful and difficult in their own way. But day in and day out with a kid that has "special needs" of some sort (even if the need is just purely emotional/impulse driven), it can be so wearing and so hard because there is that feeling that YOU have to have all the answers and that you can't really stop parenting even for a second. Make sure you are taking care of yourself too Yari - get some space and breaks sometimes and find some help/support so that you aren't feeling alone in this struggle. You aren't alone in the trenches, I for one am right there with you, and I just want to tell you that the fact that you are trying to find answers goes to show that you are a great mom and your kiddo is very lucky to have you!
 
Yari -
My youngest has ADD. We could never find discipline that worked for her either. She was as extreme as what you are describing. I think making an appointment with a Pediatrician is a great idea. I suggest you go alone so that you can say everything you need to say without your son there. Then the Pediatrician can give you feedback and ideas of things to try. If you are anti-medication tell the Ped that. There are other things to try first. We did a year of a modified diet before I talked to the Ped about my concerns. My mon bought me a book about treating kids with ADHD by modifying their diets (take out everything with red and yellow dye, cut back on sugar, etc.). It helped a bit, but it didn't really hurt. It was hard to see my little girl not have a lot of friends and not be able to be the girl I knew she was inside.

My husband and I did a paper evaluation of our daughter and then the teacher did one too. When the Ped read it she said yes, we should go ahead and try the mediciation. The first one we tried worked great for about a year. There were side effects though - not being able to fall asleep at night, losing weight. We've been through two other meds and now have one that works really, really well. I'm really glad I talked to the Pediatrician! She had other options for me - she was able to talk about the side effects of the mediciation and which ones would have a long term affect versus ones that were just hard to deal with.

I think if you go in there with the intent of helping your child and asking for help in finding ways to improve his life and your family life your Ped isn't going to say you are crazy - they are going to help you find a solution. Also, Family Practice/General Practice are great docs, but you need someone that specializes in kids for this. Good luck and feel free to lean on us as you go through this.


Shawna - I love your input. We have thought about counseling during all this. I'm glad to hear that it's working for you. It's something I might consider because my DD starts middle school next year and the IEP we have now (being able to stand in class, extra time for tests) is going to be a lot harder next year. I want to make sure she knows that it's okay to feel the way she does and to have the skills she needs for this big adjustment. Great suggestion! Thanks for sharing.
 
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There are all sorts of things it could be - but you have a mama intuition so the best thing to do would be to go to your dr and even more important is making sure your dr really listens to your concerns/fears and takes the proper steps in determining what could be wrong.

Make sure your dr takes the time to be thorough and doesn't just put her on meds without taking the time to really analyze what could be going on.

There are soo many things it could be so try not to be too worried :) The best thing you are doing is taking notice about the situation :)
 
((Hugs)) I've been there with a child who just doesn't care about most consequences for his actions. Like some other people have said, I'd see a doctor and get him evaluated. I believe in knowing vs trying to ignore the feeling that there's a problem. Things are still under your control; it's not like anyone is going to force you to treat his behavior in a way you're uncomfortable with just because he has a diagnosis. Even if you decide not to medicate, there are behavioral therapies you can try. Also, for some people the diagnosis makes a big deal in how they feel about the child. More about my DS below, but before he was diagnosed DH got so frustrated with DS's behavior and so angry with him about it. Having a diagnosis has been very good for DH, finally convincing him that DS isn't acting this way on purpose and enabling him to work with DS on behavior without being angry.

My 6 year old was diagnosed with autism and ADHD (primarily inattentive) this summer. He already had speech, motor, sleep, and sensory diagnoses. He doesn't steal or lie, but he does everything else on your list plus things that aren't, like melting down and running away. He's also one of the most affectionate 6 year olds I've ever known. In our case, we've decided to medicate beginning next month. DS has so many challenges to deal with; if medication will ease some of the symptoms for him I feel like we have to try. If we try a few meds and the side effects outweigh the benefits, we'll stop.

yari said:
And the whole speech delay makes me think of my 2 1/2 year old child who says nothing at all, not even mama or dada
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If you haven't already, you should call for an evaluation for this child, too. My 6 year old started speech therapy at 11 months (we'd requested an evaluation for motor concerns, but the therapists picked up on a speech delay that early), but after a year of it he'd make almost no progress. He didn't say a single word or repeat sounds. He had a certain sound for yes and could sign, but no speech. He was finally diagnosed with Childhood Apraxia of Speech at 24 months. We started him with a therapist trained to work with apraxic kids, and he made more progress in 6 weeks with her than in a year with a regular therapist, since the techniques you use for apraxia are very different. It was still a long road with lots of therapy, but having him diagnosed at 2 while their brains are still so flexible and ready to acquire language made a big difference in his long term prognosis.
 
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As a former special education teacher and now a mom, I wanted to share two of my thoughts.

When there is trouble, searching out for help is almost always a good idea. BUT, know that you are his mom and the final say sits with you. Teachers and doctors are great at (often unintentionally) intimidating parents. Try to go to them as supports to help give you suggestions, so that you can educate yourself on your options, but know that what they say doesn't have to be the final word. Think of their ideas as options, that you can look at in light of your son and your family and decide what you might like to try.

Also, I do think that medication is often prescribed too easily and too often. However, I know that it also works wonders with some children. I often think of it in light of my allergies. I have horrible allergies. I have tried some medication that makes me feel drowsy, out of it, and even made my allergies worse. I have also tried some medication that really helps me to function and allows me to be myself without being as burdened by my allergies. Also, I don't rely just on my meds. I know to stay inside with windows closed during the week of high pollen. And I don't pet my neighbors golden retriever and then rub my eyes. I think ADHD meds should be viewed the same. First, meds should always be part of a larger plan for helping a child. Second, if there is some type of chemical imbalance for the child that is causing difficulties and you can find the right med dose, then the meds will help that child regulate and be himself. If the meds are having high side affects or causing the child to be "out of it" or not himself, then they are not right for the child.

Just my thoughts. :)
 
yari said:
Man, you guys. Definitely thanks for sharing your experiences and thoughts and support. You know, I am really wondering about this child but I guess one of my fears is to think of myself as a parent who just had to resort to meds and just in denial. I have no idea what to do, but maybe I will take her for a consultation to the doctor. I just don't the doc to say it's all in my mind and then me believing it and just thinking worse of myself for having gone to see the doctor. So it's a lot of different fears, I just don't know what to do. :(
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I would be very disappointed in a pediatrician who didn't listen to your concerns and wrote you off as it being all in your mind :( My kids pediatrician has always listened to what I've had to say and taken all my concerns seriously and worked with me to find a solution - no matter how big or small.

If you have a good relationship with your pediatrician I would definitely start there and voice your concerns, telling him/her all that you listed above and your frustrations, etc. Medication would be a last resort (my nephew finally started on meds at the age of 9 after exhausting many other avenues, and he is doing wonderfully now).

Evaluation at this age rather than later is best, I believe anyway. Sometimes it is a matter of personalities clashing (Cheyanne and I are VERY much alike and it took us a few years to learn how to deal with each other in a constructive way), and we didn't go it alone but had the help of our pediatrician and a wonderful family counselor. Sometimes we just need someone with an unbiased view on our relationships who can point out certain things and guide us in becoming a better person/parent.
 
yari said:
Wow Kristi thank you so much for this valuable feedback. And the whole speech delay makes me think of my 2 1/2 year old child who says nothing at all, not even mama or dada. :( I think I will make an appointment and see how it goes. I am so afraid of putting her on meds (even though meds help me). :( What a weird contradiction.
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I know what you mean! And that might be an answer, but there might be other ones too! I think talking with the right professional will help you come up with answers that will be right for both of you. :wub:
 
Yari, I really really encourage you to be an advocate for your child and not worry about what others' think of you... it's better to know than to worry and wonder...

I was diagnosed with ADHD last November and I went through a major mourning time and spent lots of time wondering "what if I had gotten the help I needed when I needed it" I went to therapy thinking I had post partum anxiety and ended up being diagnosed with ADHD. I don't ever want my kids to go through what I went through, 38 years of coping made my body start to shut down. Medication literally turned me from not being able to get out of bed and debilitating tension headaches to my headaches totally gone and having tons of energy and totally productive again... that happened in literally 5 minutes of taking the ADHD med that first morning, seriously!!!

The key is to find the right one that works for him, yes there are side effects but that's why there is more than one option to find the one that doesn't give him the side effects you hear about and works best to get him to be able to focus is mind... otherwise, I think a lot of that can be normal behavior for a 6 year old too... but it doesn't hurt to get tested and know for sure :)
 
I don't have answers for you, Yari, just sympathy.

I have been struggling for the last 3+ years to get DH to take his son in to be evaluated for ADHD and Asperger's, and he still has not done so. There's no doubt in my mind that SS has ADHD especially considering DH does and takes medication for it, but for some reason, DH is digging his feet in abt the issue and since I'm 'only' the stepmom, I don't get a vote. I just feel sorry for him that he struggles in school when he doesn't need to, kwim?

I mention Asperger's (a high functioning form of autism) because my SS displays some of those same behaviors that you mention. He regularly lies abt things, even things that are not necessary to lie abt, and when he gets caught (he's not good at it, either), he throws an insane fit: crying, yelling, throwing, name calling, etc. He has no control over his emotions and can move from happy to insanely angry in 30 seconds.

He's also incredibly physically aggressive, especially with children/animals that are smaller than him, and will tease/poke/get in their face until they cry and/or try to bite him. I tell him at least twice every weekend he is with us to stop teasing his sister and/or the dog. It never registers with him. He has no concept of cause and effect, and he doesn't understand why his past behavior has made the dog and his sister hesitant to interact with him in the present. On the other hand, he insists on being as physically close to DH as possible at all times to the point that he will literally lay on top of him during a movie. He is like that with his mother, too. Again, he doesn't understand why it is inappropriate or 'weird' or even different from other kids for him to be almost 10 years old and need to be touching his parent(s) at all times that they are in the same room.

DD is only 3, but I'm fairly sure she is gifted and there is a high possibility that she could have DH's ADHD, too, and be 'twice exceptional.' She will be a child with special needs; it will just take the next couple of years to figure out what those needs will be. She exhibits some of the symptoms you describe as well, and the first thing I will be doing when she is school-age is taking her in to be evaluated.

I don't find any stigma in having a 'label' (maybe because I have one, too?) or having your child medicated if s/he has been properly evaluated by a professional and it is done along with behavioral and/or diet modification. I see medication as just another tool, kwim? If my child were near-sighted, I wouldn't not buy her eyeglasses. If my child were a paraplegic, I wouldn't not buy her a wheelchair. It is the same thing in my mind.

Good luck! I know it is hard.
 
yari said:
Man, you guys. Definitely thanks for sharing your experiences and thoughts and support. You know, I am really wondering about this child but I guess one of my fears is to think of myself as a parent who just had to resort to meds and just in denial. I have no idea what to do, but maybe I will take her for a consultation to the doctor. I just don't the doc to say it's all in my mind and then me believing it and just thinking worse of myself for having gone to see the doctor. So it's a lot of different fears, I just don't know what to do. :(
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Remember that some people NEED the medication in order to function and be able to participate in therapy. You wouldn't be "resorting" to medication but providing medically necessary treatment if the doctor recommends it.

Very often screening and diagnosis can be done by a multi-disciplinary team, so you would have several experts involved and helping.

You are a great mom for getting involved and getting this checked out!
 
Wow you guys, what a handful of great advice. I feel soooo empowered now after reading all of your responses and Heather you are so right, I need to just concentrate on being my child's advocate and how I can best help her. I am now for sure going to make an appointment to talk with her pediatrician just me and her and then go from there. I hope that my child is thoroughly evaluated, as well as the 2 year old who doesn't say anything. Thank you all so much. I will most definitely keep you guys posted on how it goes. First thing Monday morning I am calling the doctor's office. Thank you for all the strength and encouragement. I love our community.
 
sounds like some of the symptoms my 5 y/o is having in kindergarten...thank goodness the school is such a great advocate and working with me to see what will work for him.
 
Yari...I'm not going to read what others have written.

You've just described my third child to a T.

He's now 25, and was diagnosed bipolar when he was a teenager. We went through a lot of counseling, he's medicated properly now, but OH THE PAIN WE WENT THROUGH!!!!

I should say, he was first diagnosed with ADD (not adhd), started meds for that and had serious rebounding. He became very violent when the meds would wear off.

It's tough mama...big huge hugs!!!! Take it one day at a time!! Know that if there is something going on, (other than just being defiant), regular discipline doesn't work the same. Each child is different, but this makes it all the more difficult. My other boys really didn't understand why Patrick wasn't punished the same as them. Now that they are all adults, they understand and even have done their share of protecting him. We all treat him a little different even now.
 
We went through a tough time with our son at age 7-8 where I seriously wondered whether there was something medically wrong with him because of his behavior. He would not listen, he was a complete walking disaster area and would fly off the handle at the smallest thing. Like others have said, I felt like I was just always yelling at him which he hated (who wouldn't?) but it didn't really change his behavior. In the past couple years, though, he has gotten so much better. For him, I think he was very emotionally immature, combined with being very stubborn (like his Dad) and he is also a very emotionally sensitive kid. He still tends to be a bit dramatic and storms to his room a lot :), but I think that just growing up some has helped him (although I'm a bit afraid of the teen years coming up).

If I were you, I would still pursue the issue with your pediatrician (and we did speak to ours and to a child pysch for a while for evaluation) because you never know what the cause is and whether it's going to get better or worse.
 
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