Moms to older kids...

[Sherri Tierney]

My kids are 11 and almost 8 so I am addressing this to parents with kids of similar ages and older... grown even...

How do you transition from being a parent to a little one to parenting older kids? I don't know how well I can explain this. I am stuck in little kid mode. I am not ready to have older kids. I want my babies back. I want a whole house full of babies. I want diapers and midnight wake up calls, not sleepovers and independence. I LIKE having a baby dependent on me. I LIKE those toddler and preschool years. I don't know my place any more now that my kids are older. I don't know how to LIKE being their mom. I love my kids, I even like them most of the time. I just don't care for my new role. Not.At.All. It doesn't 'fit'.

As my oldest has grown, I've had my younger one to console myself with. I've had him to hold on to. He's still been my little. Well, my little had his first sleepover away from home last night. DH and I went out for drinks leaving the 11 year old at home (we typically don't but she was grounded so we set the security alarm, locked the doors and left her with her dad's phone... and kept in contact with her while we were gone). Anyway, it was such a strange feeling being out with my husband. I didn't even know what to say to him (okay, gotta admit, I felt like poo thanks to a horrific allergy attack so that played into it too). When the kids were smaller and we'd get that rare date night (like 3 times in 11 years) it would be so awesome. Last night it just seemed sad to me. I just wanted to be home hugging my babies and not letting them grow up.

I have to face that they are both getting older. I don't think there will be any more babies in our family. We've tried for almost 6 years and I just don't think it is going to happen. The thought of not having another child crushes me. I try not to think about it and I try to focus on the benefits of not only having a family of 4 (think of all those 4 person restaurant tables and booths!) but of having kids who are getting older. The thing is, I can't think of any benefits to mine getting older. I don't want them on their own. I don't want them driving. I don't want to deal with girlfriends/boyfriends curfew and prom. The thought of having a child in middle school makes me want to cry. I love her and am so proud of her but I'd go back to her being 5 years old in the blink of an eye if I had the chance.

How do you learn to parent (and to enjoy parenting) older kids? My friends all seem to LOVE this stage. I don't. I feel so lost. Give me a newborn or a 2 year old any day and I'd be so happy. I don't even want to scrap pictures of my kids these days because they are older. I loved scrapping pictures of them as babies but I have a hard time scrapping pictures of them as older kids. I don't get it.

I need some kind of support group!

 

[Milmomma]

Honestly I'm just gonna offer (((hugs))).
Mine are 6&8 with lots of independence, sports, sleepovers, responsibilities, and more. I love that mine are growing up. Its so much more fun to me to take them and be able to really do more with them. Their personalities are so fun and vivid. They have the stamina to go all day hiking, canoeing, camping, movies that are not animated, amusement parts, we get fun sports, performances, and more. They can help more around the house and with themselves. I can be me, not just mom.
I realize this may not really help you. I am not one for the baby stage though. Its not me. Maybe its time for a puppy?

 

[nun69]

well for us, it is not only their freedom, but ours as well. We like that they can make their own cereal, they can can cook a few things in the microwave, they can decide what they want to wear to school....I personally don' t like the toddler baby stage, so for me it is just the opposite. But I also have kids that are 20/12/7/6 and the youngest has Autism/Asperger's so it is a daily struggle here and I am very tired.....at 43, it is very hard and I am super disorganized, so I actually can't wait until they get older so my house is not a disaster and I can come home to some peace and quiet and no chaos. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE them....but I will have kids at home until I am in my mid-50s....so basically I will have "technically" had kids at home for 30 years by the time the last one leaves....so I don't have any real advice, other than make the time you do have with them count and try to enjoy some of the "older" things they are getting to do

 

[mariewilcox]

I have no advice either... I'm on the same bench as Angie and Brittney. I've never been one to be dependent and both of my kids have been quite independent since they were pretty young. Sports, sleepovers, camps, etc. I loved them as babies of course but there is certainly something to be said for watching your child mature into a responsible independent person :thumbup: I love that I haven't packed a school lunch in at least 5 years or had to make breakfast in that long also because she does it herself. Not that I don't love to make a special breakfast once in a while, but it's nice to not have to do a million things every day.

With my son being almost 26 it is awesome. I love the man he has become and the father he's become. Seeing him as an adult is awesome. Cheyanne is 13 now and yeah most days she can be a pill at some point or another but she's also so much fun to be with now that she's older. And I love that she can stay home while I go shopping or to a movie with friends, etc. I don't miss the baby/toddler/young child stage at all... sometimes I feel badly about that but I have my grandson now when I need a baby fix. My granddaughter is 4.5 and I'm loving seeing her grow up too - she's becoming such a unique little person!

 

[Keely~B]

Hugs! I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

I think its harder to parent as they get older, it's more complicated but in a lot of ways I think it's more rewarding too. I love seeing the people my girls are becoming. We can relate to each other on a level that wasn't possible before. Older kids still need their parents, sometimes I think even more so and the relationship is deeper. As a family, it's a lot more fun now that they're older. They're 10 and 15 and we all still like each other. The purpose of raising kids is for them to become independent people, as they get older you start seeing some of your hard work in action.

 

[Sherri Tierney]

I think relating to my kids is a big one. As my daughter has gotten older I have a harder and harder time relating to her. We were much closer when she was smaller.

I also do not like the sports, sleepovers, etc. I don't like having a house full of extra kids, I just want to snuggle down with MY kids. I don't like hauling my kids to practice or watching the games. I have no interest whatsoever in sports. My kids behaved better in public when they were babies than they do now so taking them more places isn't an appeal to me as they act like 2 year olds more now than they did then. Okay, they don't always, but we had a bad week last week and they both got in serious trouble for acting like babies towards one another pinching and poking and whining when we had a van full of people with us.

As far as independence, my kids have been independent for way too long. My 7 year old has been making his own breakfast since he was 2. My 11 year old has been making school lunches for her and her brother since she was 5. She now cooks meals for the family. I let her because I know it is part of growing up and learning and becoming independent, but I hate it. I want to do those things for them. It is a struggle not to, to be honest.

I don't know... I have no problems relating to my son and to kids his age (he is in 2nd grade, I work with 2nd and 3rd graders). After that, I just don't know what to do with them. I never know what to say to my daughter's friends. My daughter and I don't have the great conversations about everything that we used to when she was younger now. She has always been a daddy's girl and as she has gotten older she is more and more inclined to go to her dad for everything. That is obviously not a bad thing. I'm glad they are close. I just don't know where my place is anymore. My son is still very much mommy's boy and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. At least I have some purpose. I feel like he's the only one that needs me and I see that need slipping away...

He came home today from his sleepover feeling bad. He didn't have a very good time. He missed us and wasn't very comfortable in someone else's house. I was sad that he had a rough time but also slightly excited that this means he probably won't be asking to go sleep over somewhere else for a while.

I think... a lot. I internalize a lot. I was thinking today that this might have to do with my childhood more than theirs. I grew up around a lot of cousins. I was the oldest of them and always took care of everyone. I felt like I had raised a few babies before I hit 18. When I was 18 we moved away from all of my cousins (I was raised by my grandma so the cousins were always around because they wanted to spend time with Grandma). I was so close to all of my cousins and then we just left. This was before emails and skype and all the fun ways to keep in touch. I lost touch with them all. They grew up without me. They are adults now and I STILL feel very uncomfortable around them because they are all grown up. In my mind they are, and will likely always be, the little kids that they were when we left Arizona. It is so hard to think of them as adults. I mean, we moved and they were little. The next time I saw them they were adults. They had a whole lifetime of experiences in there that I know nothing about and that is hard for me.

Anyway, after always being around my cousins, my friends started having babies young so I always had a baby, toddler or preschooler to hang out with. By the time my own came along my friends all started divorcing and going their separate ways and I lost touch with some of them (and thus their kids). Now these kids are all high school aged and beyond. I didn't get to see them grow up and I really don't know how to relate to them either. I ran into one of the young men the other day and just wanted to cry. He is an adult, on his own, managing a tire store, moving to new cities, etc. I am so proud of him and so excited for him but I'm also so sad that he isn't the little guy who used to come over and spend the night at my house and make dirt dessert with me.

I think all of that may play in to why it is so hard for me to see my own kids grow up. I've never grown up with someone or watched someone grow up. I don't know how to act in those awkward stages. Even my closest friends and I drifted between high school and 'real' adult life.

 

[rach3975]

((hugs)) I'm not quite where you are yet. My oldest will be 10 in a few weeks, but I still have 2 littler kids. My youngest is in her last year of preschool, and my 7 year old has Smith-Magenis Syndrome (inc autism, ADHD, sleep and speech disorders) and needs a lot more from us than your typical 7 year old. We're at a good stage now, parenting-wise. We can do more with them than we could when they were babies and toddlers, but 2 of the 3 are still little kids.

But come find me in a few years, and I'm sure I'm going to be feeling just like you are. I don't know about you, but I've always found it easier to be around little kids than adults. As a teenager I had a great group of friends my own age, but I loved to babysit and always found summer jobs working with preschoolers. During family gatherings I was the sought after big kid/teen who played with and took care of the little kids. When my kids were babies and toddlers I didn't like the busy-every-minute-of-every-day aspect of parenting, but I loved who they were and how our relationship was.

Relating to little kids has always come easily to me, and it's still a lot more work to relate to older kids and adults. I'm seeing that hold true as my oldest grows, but it's not all me. He isn't the kind of kid who wants to talk about anything real. He'll go on for 30 minutes about battle strategies in Pokemon games, but good luck getting more than a sentence from him about how things are with his friends or in school. It doesn't matter how specific or open ended my questions are, what we're doing at the time, or anything else; he just doesn't want to talk about real life. So yes, I find it a lot harder to parent him now than I did a few years ago because I don't feel like I really know what's going on with him like I used to.

I wish I had some great advice for you. I guess the best I can do is say that you're not alone in finding it harder as they grow. Nest and Launch is a blog that Cathy Zielske once shared about parenting older kids and teens. The few times I've read it I thought they did a great job keeping it real and highlighting both the good and the bad about this stage of parenting. I hope you're able to find a good role for yourself soon!

 

[Sherri Tierney]

I don't know about you, but I've always found it easier to be around little kids than adults. As a teenager I had a great group of friends my own age, but I loved to babysit and always found summer jobs working with preschoolers. During family gatherings I was the sought after big kid/teen who played with and took care of the little kids. When my kids were babies and toddlers I didn't like the busy-every-minute-of-every-day aspect of parenting, but I loved who they were and how our relationship was.

This is SO true of me! I have always had an easier time relating to little kids. I 'get' them! I LIKE them. I just feel in my element being around the younger kids, babies through 8-9 years old, roughly. I was always the big kid at church looking after the younger kids. I was the teenager that the little ones in our family flocked to. When none of the adults could console the babies, they brought them to me. I was always told I had a gift with little kids. I think that is part of why this is all so hard for me... my own kids growing up and no more littles coming along behind them... what do I do now? At work I still get to be in my element. I am around kids, I work with technology and I have quite a bit of creative freedom. I love it! At home I just feel lost.

My 11 year old is hard for me to relate to. In some ways we are so alike, but in other ways we are so different. Both annoy me. She has picked up so many of the characteristics that I hate about myself and not many of those things I love about myself. If we are going to be alike, couldn't it be in the GOOD ways? LOL I was really mature for my age and I had to grow up fast. I was never sheltered from anything in life. By the time I was her age nothing surprised me, I felt like I had seen it all. I had not experienced it all, I was still very naive as far as personal experience, but I knew about all the crazy things out there in the world. We have sheltered our kids quite a bit more than I was sheltered. Not in a bad way, we just haven't exposed them to things that I was exposed to. Let's just say there was good reason I was raised by a grandparent. Anyway, all of that made me mature fast. I was also a very responsible child and I went out of my way not to get in trouble and not to upset my grandma. In opposition, my daughter is very irresponsible. She is typical as far as kids her age go (as I learn by talking to other moms) but I find her completely irresponsible and it about kills me. She does things that, as a kid, I felt like would have gotten me in major trouble. I never did it because I was afraid to find out. I looked for positive affection and I loved that my grandma could tell everyone how much she could count on me. When I was 10 she was really sick and thought she was going to die. She asked me to help raise my brothers (then 7 and 4). That's a big thing to ask a 10 year old, but she felt like I would be the one who could help hold things together if she wasn't around. I can't trust my 11 year old to keep her rabbits alive. I have to follow her around and double check that they have food and water! LOL So... yeah, we just don't relate the way we used to when she was little. She was much more like me in all the ways I felt were good ways back then. Now she is more like me in the ways I hate. It is hard for me to get past that. I love her but I just don't know what to do with her. Her world is so different than mine was at that age. That's a good thing, believe me. It just makes it so hard for me to relate.

 

[LeeAndra]

You sound like you don't know who you are as a person apart from your relationships with your children, that you don't think you are worth anything unless you are taking care of a small child who is 99% dependent on you to fulfill their needs, that you can't exist outside your overwhelming desire to nurture.

You ARE worthy, you know, just as you are as a woman.

I would suggest that you find a hobby that is non-kid-centric and that gets you out of the house. Is there any kind of exercise you like to do? Or could you join a book or cooking club? You need to get comfortable with being an adult and only an adult so you can appreciate how great it is to be appreciated for YOU and not you as THE MOTHER or THE TEACHER.

I would also suggest that you volunteer as an advisor for a middle school or high school aged ministry local to you so you can become more comfortable with that age group. You could commit to something small -- maybe making a meal for an event? --- so that you could be around kids that age without having to be in charge of them, observing them in their natural habitat. You obviously can't stop your kids from growing up, but maybe if you had more experience with older kids while still getting to nurture them in some way, you'd feel better abt the situation.

Oh, and if you attend a church, I think you should volunteer to work in the nursery during church services or events. That would be a good way for you to get your 'baby fix' without commiting to an actual baby.

 

[Keely~B]

My 11 year old is hard for me to relate to. In some ways we are so alike, but in other ways we are so different. Both annoy me. She has picked up so many of the characteristics that I hate about myself and not many of those things I love about myself. If we are going to be alike, couldn't it be in the GOOD ways? LOL I was really mature for my age and I had to grow up fast. I was never sheltered from anything in life. By the time I was her age nothing surprised me, I felt like I had seen it all.

Sherri I totally get this. I was always way beyond my years in maturity and had a lot of responsibilities that my own kids don't have. I also have two kids that despite being genetically "ours" are completely different in personality than either my husband or me. Those two things are different from the "growing up" issue and are just a fact of parenting the hand your'e dealt, you don't know what you're going to get. I'm sure, like you, I purposely made different choices in parenting than my own parents.

It's hard to parent someone that is so different, I know it and live it. It's not alway easy or comfortable, but I really think in its own way it's a gift too. My kids have forced me to make changes and look at things in a different way, I've grown from it and in the long run, it's brought us a lot closer. Since you're aware of some of this, try taking a step back from your DD and look at other ways to approach her. Since you say she has some of your worst traits ( I can identify ) you're the perfect person to help her navigate the highs and lows. Also try to focus on what's different that is positive. I have a kid that is so willing to put herself out there, completely my opposite, it's something I really admire. I guess I'm just saying, as hard as it is, try to force your perspective a bit.

 

[Sherri Tierney]

You sound like you don't know who you are as a person apart from your relationships with your children, that you don't think you are worth anything unless you are taking care of a small child who is 99% dependent on you to fulfill their needs, that you can't exist outside your overwhelming desire to nurture.

I wouldn't agree with this. I believe I do know who I am as a person and I do have relationships, hobbies, etc. that are completely outside of the 'kid' realm. I just don't know how to mother an older child. And yes, I do enjoy the nurturing and I do have a strong desire to have a little one again, but it isn't as though my entire life is focused on such. It has been on my mind a lot since Friday when my cousin delivered a beautiful baby girl - can't get my baby fix as she is states away.

I just want to know how to learn to LIKE all of the things that come with older kids. I was born liking all of the infant,baby, toddler, preschooler stuff. I want to LIKE doing things with my kids at the level they are now but I simply don't. I really and truly do not. It is horribly sad and I hate to admit it but it is true. DH loves playing Legos with the kids or Wii or throwing the ball around outside or wrestling on the floor or watching movies with them. I don't care for any of that. When my daughter and I have our 'girl dates' I never know what to do. Her idea of fun is shopping and manicures and facials and watching stuff like Teen Beach Movie. I don't like any of that. My idea of a beauty treatment is to go to bed early. My idea of shopping is Amazon in my pajamas. I can't stay awake through those movies she always wants me to watch. She has about a 2 second attention span when it comes to crafts so I can't teach her how to do any crafts I enjoy. She likes to help me cook but I hate cooking with a passion and because I hate it so much I get absolutely no joy out of cooking with her. I still do it (and I watch the silly teen movies and I do her nails, give her facials, etc.) I just don't LIKE any of it. And that takes me back to where I started. I don't know how to spend time with her and enjoy it.

There are tons of things I love and admire about my daughter. I just don't relate. I sit back and look at her and think about what a neat kid she is but I have nothing in common with her as far as hobbies and interests go. She loves gaming and both of my kids are really into Minecraft right now, for example. I know nothing about it and get a headache just looking at the screen. She is in to reading books like The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings and that genre of literature is one that holds no interest for me. I barely managed to stay awake through the movies. She takes after her dad in so many of her interests which is great because at least she has one of us who 'gets' her. I just wish I had something in common with her, something we could bond over. When she was little we didn't have to have anything in common and we were still very close because she needed me and that was the big bond there. She still needs me now, but it is so much different.

 

[rach3975]

Maybe you and your DD could try a few things neither of you has done before and see if you could find some common ground that way. We have a county parks and rec department here that offers lots of relatively inexpensive classes in all sorts of things. Is there anything like that near you? Could you try cake decorating or something similar that appeals to both her interest in cooking and your interest in crafts? Or maybe you could make it your thing to try new restaurants together, or go hiking, or redecorate her room. If you can't find something you both enjoy, maybe you could take turns planning the activity to do together. Because yes, as the parent you'll probably have to be the one compromising to spend time with her more often, but there's no reason that it has to be you 100% of the time.