What would you do if you found out... (kind of... touchy... topic)

[Jengerbread88]

Today is my 22nd birthday. I got a phone call from a woman, the wife of a man I grew up knowing. She called to wish me a happy birthday, because every year he calls, and this year he couldn't. Why couldn't he? Because he is in jail.
For raping three girls under the age of 14.

Let me give you a little background.

My mom dated this guy on and off when I was really young, and they were still close friends while I was growing up. I knew him from around the time I was 4, until around the time I was 12, but have only seen him a handful of times since then.

You would think with all the time he was in my life, I would have a lot of memories with him. I really don't. I hardly remember him at all.

But I am worried. I've always thought it was kind of creepy, because I do remember that he always seemed to love me a lot more than my mom, who was his girlfriend at the time. After going through old photos not that long ago, I found some photos of he and I in my room, or hugging, or things like that, that seem normal, but at the same time... now freak me out.

I have other reasons to believe I might have been one of his victims, but... if I was, I've repressed it very deeply. I don't really know what to think, or what to say.

One other thing is, usually girls who are victimized like that, especially at a young age, often wind up in abusive relationships. I've been in 3 since I was 15 years old, one of them being my very short lived marriage to my ex husband.

What would you do if you thought there was a chance? Would you just push it away because, well, if it's repressed, you can't really know for sure, so...? Would you go visit him in jail and see if he'd tell you? Would you go to counseling, or a hypnotherapist, or something, and see if they could pull the repressed memories out? What would you do? Would you want to know for sure? Or not?

Right now I'm so lost. What if what he did, that I don't even remember, could have changed me enough that I got into an abusive marriage? What if something that I don't even remember changed me and is part of why I have such weird mood swings and depression and such? What if that explains part of me? Should I try to find out, or should I just drop it, and realize that if he DID, that part of me is already changed, and if he DIDN'T there must be some other reason for it and I just need to move on? What should I do? Because I really don't know what to do...

[Ginger_79]

Uff. I'm a bit clueless what to say, no experience with this at all. So I'll first start with this: I am very sorry for you either way. Whether you'd been a victim or not, this must be hard.

If it was me, I would probably seek for professional advice from people who have experience with this topic. Especially if you think your current life is affected by it. I'm sure they can give you more answers. In any way, abused or not, if you notice you tend to fall for unhealthy relationships you might need that help. Because whatever happened or didn't happen: What happens in your life now, that IS in your hands.

[Darcy Baldwin]

First of all, I'm sorry for you being exposed to it in any fashion.

Do NOT contact him ever. Seriously. Going to an abuser for his confession, whether he did it to you or not, is only going to make it better for him, unless he's seeing out your forgiveness.

I would be hesitant to seek out repressive therapy until you've talked to a few wise folks on the issue. I know it feels scary that it could've happened, but you'd need to be sure you're dealing with a reputable person, and you'd want to seek out a few counselors or therapists before you jumped into that realm, if you feel it's something you need to do.

If you have a good, honest relationship with your mom, I'd actually approach her about your concerns.

And, again, I'm really sorry.

[Jengerbread88]

After spending a lot of time talking, I've decided that it's best for me NOT to go see him. But she IS going to go see him. She's taking a friend, so she won't be alone, and she said she doesn't feel anger or anything, she just feels numb... so it should be fine for her to go.

That discussion gave us the chance to air out a lot of other things, too, that have been going on lately. I also talked to my fiance, and he was really great... he let me cry for a really long time, and then he said "Now, I want you to think about this. Whatever you decide to do, whether you want to go see him, or you want to go to therapy, or you want to just pretend it never happened, or anything, whatever you do, I support you. I do think there's one thing I need to say, though. I know I can't fix this, or even begin to try. I want to know, though, and you don't need to answer right now, because you probably CAN'T answer now... but if you have gone this long without knowing, will finding out change anything? You are still the same person. There's a lot right now to be happy about... our engagement, the baby, everything... don't let this ruin you, because you're still the same person, whether he did or didn't, whether your moods or insecurities are his fault or not, or anything... you're still you, and you can't let this ruin you. But if you NEED to know... I'll support you in trying to find out."

[Stacey42]

I'm glad you have found someone so supportive!

I would find a therapist & explain the situation to them & see what they think. They can point you in the right direction if something has been repressed & help you deal with the rest if nothing has.

[g8rbeckie]

If you're in a healthy relationship now, and not suffering from any effects of what may have happened, I wouldn't go dredging it up. If something did happen, you'll go through hell trying to remember, then dealing with it, all to hopefully come back to where you are now - happy and healthy with your fiance and your life.

Cut off contact and move on - and continue down the healthy, productive path you're on right now!

[Lyd]

Wow - I don't have any advice for you beyond what the others have said. But, I just wanted to say that it sounds like your fiance is amazing and the kind of person that you definitely deserve to have in your life. Good luck with this situation - I can only imagine how difficult it is for you.

[jessica31876]

I would be hesitant to try to remember what happened. I lived with that kind of abuse until I was 12 years old and I still deal with it. Not everyday but it still effects me and how I live my life. So like I said I know how it will effect you and if it did happen and you simply do not remember it I would look at that as a blessing. If you really want to know though I would approach your mom and find out if she knows anything.

[dgreenshield]

I agree with others who recommend staying away from this man, you do not want to give that kind of power over you. However, I do think you should see professional help from a licensed therapist who works with women of abuse.