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Originally Posted by rach3975
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Yep, that all makes sense. That is why it is important to let them start making decisions for themselves as they grow.
This plays into another thing that I did with JT when he was at his worst. I made sure not to make it personal. When he was being surly and ugly with me, I would say you're behaving in an unattractive manner or your behavior right now is not acceptable. I made sure to never say "you are" this or that because that can really impact their self image and how they see you as well. He was always a good kid, he was just acting like a jerk for a long time. lol
The importance of this really came home to me when he and his wife had their first fight. He came to see me right after and was upset because she had called him some ugly names. As he said at the time, no one he loved had ever called him names before and he was thinking it meant she didn't love him and they were going to end up divorced.
Meanwhile she is freaking because he left and wasn't sure he would be back over what she considered a normal fight.
His wife was raised in an abusive situation, so I had to explain to him that he needed to tell her the first rule of fighting with someone you love is that you love them and you have to treat them with love, even at the worst moments. When she called to talk to me about it, I told her the same thing. They worked it out and try to keep the rule in mind when they get out of sorts with each other.
Even better, when the kids in his class are not behaving, he tells them that their behavior is unacceptable. I have to grin every time he tells me about his day and some of the unacceptable behavior the kids were displaying. I think saying it like that is healthier for them then having a teacher say they are being bad or whatever else they might say.