[LJSDesigns]

I went through the same thing with my son at 14. When my place of work decided to shut the doors, I made the hard choice to move from the area. Businesses were shutting down all over and there just weren't any opportunities. So I took him from his school, which had also been my school, from his friends, who were the children of my own friends and I moved him 8 hours away, so that I could provide for him. I explained why it was necessary, for what good it did me.

He hated it and he hated me, to the point where he tried to physically assult me. My son is 6'5" and he was pretty tall then, lifted weights for sports, etc, so when he lifted his hand to me and was shoving me around, for the first time in his life, I got physical with him. As I told him at the time, I wouldn't allow a man to put his hands on me, so I wouldn't take it from him either. As a single mom, I needed him to understand that no matter how big he was or how old he got, I was the one in control of our household and in control of him as long as he lived in it.

Of course he was all about calling Child Services on me and I told him to go ahead while I packed his bags because they would take him with my blessing. That if he thought someone else would love him more or take better care of him, then he was welcome to go find them.

It was the most horrible day we ever had and to be honest, I didn't talk to him for a week after. I was so mad, hurt, shocked and all around devastated by the entire thing. It amazed me that my son and I ever got to that point with each other over something that was a necessity. At 14 he should have been able to understand we had to have a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food to eat and I had to be the one who provided it.

I won't lie, the first few years after the move were hard. He was sullen, refused to make friends, play sports that he loved, etc. My reaction to it all was to tell him it was his choice, but at the end of the day, he was only hurting himself and that I refused to feel bad because he was having a prolonged temper tantrum. Everything I did was to give him a good life and if he couldn't see that, appreciate and respect it, then he was free to be miserable. (He also refused counseling and I don't believe that counseling helps unless you are open to it.)

Through all that, I kept trying to engage with him, loved him, made sure he had what he needed, made trips back home for him to see his friends, had them come stay with us and tried to be the mom I always was to this new version of him, but I also didn't pull my punches. Life is hard and as a result we have to do hard things.

When he was being a jerk, I called him out on it and I demanded he be respectful as well as follow the rules. It sucked, but I didn't feel like I could let him bully me or make me feel guilty for doing what I needed to do in order to support him, me and my mom.

Over time, he did adjust and make friends here, but it wasn't until he was over 16 that he finally told me he understood why I did what I did and he was sorry for being such a jerk. Today, we have a wonderful, close relationship.

While I felt the need to control him at 14, as he got older, I loosened the reigns and let him make his own decisions more and more with a clear understanding that since the decisions were his, the consequences of a bad decision would also be his. And I stuck to my guns on that one. He messed up, he had to fix it. This mommy was not running to his rescue all the time. (Granted, I let him make his own decisions about things that did not have dire consequences and kept my eye on him.)

My parents tried to keep me under their control way past the point they should have. There is a big difference from telling a 14 year old what he has to do then telling a 21 year old college student what she has to do. In my opinion you have to let them make decisions and mistakes while you are still around to help when needed, so that they are capable and accountable. And you have to prepare them for the future with open eyes, theirs and yours. While they are always your children, at some point they are not kids and both you and them need to be ready for that point.

I may be a proponent of the tough love approach to child rearing, which may not be your approach, but that is how I handled it. I feel that it worked for us, because my son is an amazing person with a kind, loving heart. But we still talk about what a jerk he was at 14 and 15, cause he was.