Credits: Layered template (Lots To Say, Template 2) by Chrissy W and Bloom and Grow by Zoe Pearn. Fonts are DJB CHRISTINEC by Darcy Baldwin and Rock it with Renee.
Journalling reads: It's inevitable really isn't it, that no matter how hard we try not to at some point we see glimpses of someone we never thought we would be. For some people that's getting to the point of saying things they never thought they would say, for others that's getting the point of doing things they never thought they would do. This morning I did both. I made Lukas cry because I was so frustrated with him. We were looking for his pirate outfit to wear to the themed school disco tonight. I knew exactly where it was or at least I thought I did. When Ella and him were playing the other day they emptied out all the dressing up clothes. Now his room is a complete bombsite and there's a vital part of the costume missing. I told him if he must know where it was since him and Ella had got it out. Then I told him that if he didn't find it, he wasn't going out tonight. He cried and in that second I realised exactly what I had just done, I had put him in the same situation my mum frequently put me into. Only I was no longer in the role of the frightened child, crying because she couldn't find the ugly black velvet and gold braid headband. I was the mean mother making my child cry, with completely unreasonable demands, I was the one blowing everything out of proportion and at that second I truly hated myself, I had become my worst nightmare - being just like her. The only difference was I stopped at making my child cry, I didn't beat him black and blue. I dropped to my knees and hugged him. Trying desperately to undo the damage I had just done, to make it all better. I ended it in minutes rather than hours or days or even weeks. There may be glimpses of her in me, but I am not her. It's an uphill battle just to avoid falling into being the kind of parent she was, rather than the kind of parent I want to be. I don't ever want to make Lukas fear me like I used to fear her, but sometimes my temper, well I suppose technically her temper, gets the better of me. I just see red, and lose any sort of rational thought. The difference is I regret it, she enjoyed the power that her temper gave her over all of us, she used to get a real thrill from seeing us cower before her, us crying made her day!
