Journaling (Hope the translation is understandable....)
November-01-2011 - You drive shopping and don't come back. Leave behind a letter. It's over, done, end .... you finish our marriage after 13 years. I'm broken, sad, furious and I'm sinking .... But there are the boys, holding me in the arms and comfort me. They hold me tight and keep me alive. I'm ashamed ... tell no one what happened ... I hole up ... cry always and try somehow to get it right for me and the kids. After days I'm able to write a friend what happened. She gives me the strenght to tell it my family, but only via EMail. The Shame is really big.... I wasn't able to hold the man, that I love so much and make him happy. Now I'm one of the people, who get separated and I never wanted this. The Talks, now on phone too, help me... I get back on my feets slowly ... allow myself to be furious about my hubby and try slowly to become ME again. What has gone wrong? I still don't know it... Since we moved to Burscheid, you lived your life more and more and I let you do it, because I wanted to make you happy... This was wrong ... But this was and is always my problem, the needs of others are always more important for me than my own and your needs were the most important for me. During our marriage I have lost myself more and more and I became dependet and "smaller". I was almost gone. Now I learn slowly to stand up and become me. I'm really egoistic sometimes, but this is good! Because I'm not only because of you somebody, but now finally only ME without YOU too. There are still times, when I miss you, but I would never take you back.
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